qwertyu Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 i cant believe im doing this but i stumbled upon this forum & read quite good advices so i was wondering if anyone could advice me. story goes we broke up. we've been having problems for quite some time. imo, since nov 2006 but we always tried to work things out & things got better at some point & got back to the same status at others. he loved me a lot when i first knew him but as time pass, i felt like i started to love him more. i never used to be controlling but as my love for him increased, i wanted him to be with me all the time. its not like i had no friends, but i rather be with him than my friends. he's in the army now & only gets to come out during weekends & we spend most of our weekends tog. he's quite a family/friends person but i always thought he was willing to forgo all that just becos he loves me. anw, to cut the long story short. we've broken up for slightly more than a week & i felt like in the past week i've reflected so much & learnt so much about myself. thing is, i felt like throughout the r/p, he has tried his best and he's probably too fed up thats why he broke up w me. i realised my mistakes & my flaws (too demanding/controlling/quick tempered etc) but im willing to change all that if we had a chance to get back tog. some of our friends thought that there were signs in the past yet i did not change. i admit i nvr thought we would break up so even when i tried to "change", i didnt think i changed fully cos i never realised the possibility of losing him. but now that i have lost him, i really wish we could get a 2nd chance but some people say "theres only 1 chance for some things in life" i agree with what they say but i find it so hard to let go knowing that i did not try my best? and knowing that if we had a 2nd chance to work things out, things might be better! but what if he never wants to give me a chance? one of his friends told me he never wants to get back with me. he didnt tell me that but he told me that "no matter what you say/do, its not gna change my mind" i know its sooo hard to convince him & its probably too late. but how am i to let go when i feel like i have caused this problem for myself & i need to have just ONE more chance to decide if it'd work? it's not wrong to fight for your own happiness right? as much if you guys think i deserve it or something.. i mean people make mistakes
Author qwertyu Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 basically my question is, is there really no hope? afterall, i have realised my mistakes & do want to change for the better yet it seems he's too tired to try even once anymore. ):
BklynGuy Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 He told you he doesnt want to go back. Who messed up more, you or him? Sometimes you just have to let things go. Sometimes it's not worth going back with an ex.
spookie Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 The thing is, you can't use rationality to influence other people's feelings. Frustrating as it is to be in your position, emotion and logic are two separate entities and if he FEELS a certain way, that's it. And in love, it's how you feel that's important. Your story has played in my own past relationship so many times that it's uncomfortably familiar, and I will just tell you that I tried everything you did, and I tried nothing, and the outcome was the same. When it's over for someone, it's usually over. If they get back with you, in my experience at least they're not doing it because they love you or want you back but because of small regrets, fear, or loneliness, and it is so unfair to be on the receving end of that as it totally screws with your head. Let this one go. If it's meant to be, it'll work out... though you have to accept that it's probably not meant to be... no matter how much it felt like it at first or how much you love him or how much it's gonna hurt to have him gone.
MattyTee Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Hey, I really feel for you and the pain you must be going through. One of the great things about this place is that there is a great deal of support - and people are very caring, so you are in good hands. Spookie's points are good ones. In the end you can't change how he feels or what he wants in life, that's up to him. I would say that it is possible for people to become confused or out-of-touch with their feelings and in this case things might change. I say might because there are no guarantees. The only thing that will tell ... is time (believe me, I'm almost where you are after an 8 year relationship and I've heard that so much recently ). As much as it's horrible to hear ... you just have to give it time. The best thing you can do for yourself is to take some positive actions: start new classes, work out, get some new clothes. Start to feel great about yourself (even if you fake it to start with) and if his feelings do change you'll be in a better place to judge whether you want things back. I'm sorry I can't help ... I'm probably rambling and giving silly advice anyway
Sanslatete Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 It really is hard to let go, you find yourself waiting and waiting for something to change, and in the end, all you get is older. I'd love to still be with my ex-GF, the way we were. It was the most beautiful thing in the world to be with her. I've never had anything close to the experiences and peace I shared with her. But she obviously felt differently and **** on me from a great height, just so I got the point. You can't influence anyone's feelings unless they want you to. I miss her so much and she's still very deeply in my heart, but I know that she probably doesn't feel the same about me. And any amount of words aren't going to change a thing (believe me, I've tried).
Author qwertyu Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 thanks to all who replied! do you think love can be "lost" so easily? we were tog for 2.5 yrs. when we first broke up, he cried a lot too (maybe its natural) but i felt like he broke up w me becos he felt like he just cant see us being tog for a long time (& i understand why given my nature) but the reason he provided was "i dont think i love you in that way anymore & i just see us as friends" it was so hurting! subsequently, i tried to talk more abt what happened on the phone aft that cos at that point when we broke up, i didnt say much, i just accepted it maybe cos when he told me he didnt love me anymore, i felt like theres no point in continuing also. but when i thought abt it more, i realised how ive messed up. i tried to tell him on e phone but he refused to listen (i guess cos at that time he wanted space) & gave me the "its not about you, its about me" reason. i only did this twice aft we broke up cos i didnt want to irritate him further frankly speaking, if he cant see himself being tog w me for a long time. it wouldnt simply be just becos of feelings but im sure its how he thinks our characters dont match etc. but now if i tried to tell him im willing to change & prove it to him, do you think he might reconsider? im not sure how he feels about me now though bklynguy: i felt like i messed up more. in the sense that i didnt change over time despite subtle warnings from him (but yknow how guys & girls inteprete things differently right!) so i guess things got too over bearing. but i believe both has a part to play. he has his flaws too! i just know that if we could come tog again & talk things out & really change for e better this time, i KNOW things will be different.
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