mouse52 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 So last night my bf and I got into a fight. I feel that if I don't call him, I'd never talk to him. He says that's not true. It was 12:30 am and he still hadn't called, so I called him and asked him what is the deal. All he said was "I was busy" and I said busy doing what and he said personal stuff and that he shouldn't have to tell me exactly what he's doing all the time. He also thinks it's ok if we go a couple of days without talking and that in past relationships he didn't talk to the girl every day. I like him so much but sometimes he just does things that are so inconsiderate and he doesn't even realize it. How do I get past this? I don't want him to think that I'm being irrational or something by being upset over little things. Input???
birdie Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 well I hate to break this to you but you are being irrational and sound a bit controlling. there is a big difference between somebody not wanting to be at your beck and call all the time and not communicating. he wants to have his own life to some degree and you are not letting him. he shouldn't feel he has to tell you everything that doesn't directly concern you. if you feel you always make the effort then give him some space and see what his need is when it comes to communicating. of course you need to talk on a regular basis but there is no rule that it should be every day. he has the right for some space. just let him have control for a little while.
curiousnycgirl Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 I always wonder when I read stuff like this. Do you want to him to call you everyday because it is what you demand of him, or because HE wants to speak to you? I have always said I want my b/f to call me because he wants to, not because he feels he has to. I am not his mother, and I don't set rules. So I wonder which is more important to you? That he follow your "rules" or that he gets to a point where he genuinely wants to speak with you every day? If you opt for number two then you need to back way off and let this relationship grow to that point. You may be there already - but clearly he is not.
serial muse Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 This is such a perennial debate...the problem to me often seems to be one of expectation. Some people assume that if he doesn't call frequently then "he's not that into you," and that kind of refrain, repeated often enough, will work on a person's mind. But it's too simplistic, because everyone has different expectations. I think you just have to be careful not to confuse your expectations for how someone invested in the relationship "ought to" behave with theirs. That's where controlling behavior comes in. It's one thing to discuss your expectations and hopes with your partner, and hope they'll be sensitive to that - it's another to insist that he's wrong for not doing what you think he should. So I wonder which is more important to you? That he follow your "rules" or that he gets to a point where he genuinely wants to speak with you every day? So yeah, that's the issue - I'm guessing she wants #2, but is laboring under the expectation that not calling = not interested, which doesn't necessarily follow. mouse52, you do have to use your own judgment - if other things are saying he's not interested, then listen to your gut. Barring that, you should feel comfortable requesting - but not demanding - that he take the initiative to call more often, because it will make you happy. The way to get past this isn't to tell him he's being inconsiderate and put him in the wrong - it's to find a time when you're both in a good place with each other and put it in terms of how good it would make you feel to hear from him more often, etc. Then you can have an open discussion about what makes you both comfortable and happy in a relationship. I think people generally respond better to that kind of collaborative, rather than combative, approach.
Author mouse52 Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 serial muse, i think you're right, i feel somewhere in my head that if he's not calling, he's not thinking about me which means he doesn't care. i will definitely try the collaborative advice... i did come at him combatively (that's just my nature) so i can see now why he got defensive. i will try to talk to him tonight and tell him that it would be nice to hear from him more often, but that it's not required or anything and ask him what he feels about it. thanks for the good advice!
gonetildecember Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 This is exactly how I feel. i want him to call more.. but i don't wanna say CALL ME .. i don't feel i should have to.. i think that if he misses me or is thinking about me and is just sitting there, he could call even if it were for a second. to add to it we're in an LDR so i don't get to see him that much (every other weekend for two days) so it sucks not hearing from him at least once a day.. when it is a free call u know.. and thats the only communication we have.
Recommended Posts