I need to talk to someone

[Antd]

I hope you don't mind me posting here, but I feel as though I need to talk to someone.

 

I have been with my wife for over 6 years and we married around 2.5 years ago. I thought we had the perfect marriage, we very rarely have a cross word and I am still head over heels in love with my wife. A few days ago I noticed she was geing a little quiet so asked her what was wrong. I wish now I had not asked.

 

My wife says that although she loves me, she is not in love with me, this has really hit me for six and I do not know what to do. She says the reason is that she does not find me attractive any more and feels as though we only love each other out of habit.

 

I am hurting so much right now, there is a woman I love and would give my last breath to telling me that she is no longer in love with me. I feel so hurt and it feels as though my heart has been ripped out.

 

I really want my marriage to work and I thought we would be together for ever, you know, raise a family grow old together the full works.

 

I asked if we should split, but I don't really think this is what she wants, has anyone else gone through this, my emotions are all over the place at the moment as I don't think I would survive without her in my life.

 

The main reason she does not find me attractive at the moment is due to the fact since we have been together, the weight has piled on and she does not like to look at me anymore.

 

What do I do, I feel so torn I would do anything to keep her or is the battle lost and should I just walk away.

 

Sorry for going on, but I had to get these thoughts out of my mind.

[cj1988]

Honey, take a breather and get your thoughts staright. You say she is not attracted to you anymore, well make her attracted to you again. Go to the doctor and get on some simple diet pills, not too strong and get back in shape. I know it sounds selfish on her part and is to me, but do this for you and watch her turn around. By the time this happens you have your self confidence back and you can address her behavior and her comments then. If she really loved you, she would help you do this and not have made that comment, she is selfish....now it is your turn.

[jmargel]

To say they are not 'in love' with you anymore because of extra weight is very superficial. Have you noticed any changes in her behavior? You think she is flirting or cheating on you? Don't go by words, go by her actions.

 

How is the communication between you two? Do you two still go out on dates with each other? This weight thing you have to do for yourself. If you want to do it, get her involved with you. Even going for walks together is a start.

 

Have you discussed the possiblity of marriage counseling? The 'I love you but not in love with you' is usually a sign that someone else is on her mind. Though don't jump to that conclusion.

[Antd]

I don't think she is cheating on me, we have always been very open with each other and I trust her with my life.

 

I don't think she is being shallow by blaming it on my weight, I think she is more worried about my health more than anything else.

 

It is really strange, nothing elese has changed in our relationship, we are still affectionate with each other.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dont be a damn fool, keep your eyes open. Use your gut, when a woman says stuff like this things start to happen. Either she's doing it or thinking about doing it.

[PWSX3]

I do have to agree that using the weight as an excuse is just that, an excuse. She might not be happy & she could be looking or have someone else she is interested in or she is just trying to get your attention.

 

As for the weight if "YOU" are wanting to lose the weight then ask if she would be welling to help you. Losing weight is hard to do & to me a diet doesn't work. I couldn't see eating the kind of foods that diets want you to eat.

 

Start out walking, start out slow. This would also give you time to spend with the W & if she doesn't want to walk, then get an I-pod or something to listen to music. There are lots of things you can do even with the cooler weather coming even if it is going to the gym.

 

I have lost 55 pounds since this time last year & the two things that helped me was to cut back on what I ate, I do eat better (no McD's or fast food anymore, O.K. Taco Bell once in a while) I eat a lot more fruit & veggies & I cook a lot more.

 

I still eat my pizza, and other foods I like but instead of having 4 pieces of pizza I will only have 2 pieces. Use a smaller plate when you eat so you don't put as much on your plate.

 

Good luck!!!

[Antd]

Thanks everyone, I am not going to give up on the marriage without a fight, any you may be right, prehaps she is looking for more attention from me.

 

I will keep you all updated over the coming weeks.

 

A

[sumdude]

Ugh, the old "I love you but not in love with you." That's code for "I'm pretty sure I'm dumping you to see what else is out there." She may or may not be seeing someone else or have someone in mind that has tickled her fancy somehow. Doesn't really matter. Make sure she knows that an affair is a total dealbreaker.

 

For lack of a better word you're hitting the seven year itch. It is not just a myth, it does seem to be a relationship milestone. You will have to fight to keep your relationship alive. I know this because it happened to me, at 7.5 years my wife left me. You may still have a chance to save it though. The trick is that the way to save it may seem to be the opposite of what you think.

 

You see i had let myself go and had hit some tough times... gained 40 lbs, was drinking too much AND taking the relationship for granted to a point. On the other hand my ex didn't have the wherewithal to stick through the rough years and make the other side.

 

Keep in mind that if your wife is saying these things she may not be long term reliable. Meaning that she wants that early relationship buzz... that buzz always goes away after a few years but some people don't get that. There are ways to find it at times and keep it going but that takes work on both sides.

 

You need to make yourself attractive again, for yourself. You have to be a bit of a challenge for her again. Then see if she turns around. Don't blame yourself for it, she is at least an equal part of any relationship 'problem'.

 

Act like you're fine with everything, even when your about to lose your mind stay cool at least on the outside.

 

Be strong and self sufficient, show her you'll be fine whatever happens.

 

Know for sure you'll be fine whatever happens.

 

Back off the pressure and make her wonder what's up with you.

 

Do not be clingy!

 

Get busy living your life and remember she's not the only woman on the planet. Get out of the house and do things on your own.

 

Do not beg or plead for ANYTHING! Doormats are not attractive!

 

Do not make any promises about changing or anything, just DO IT without talking about it.

 

Stop asking how she feels about the marriage or how you're doing.

 

Don't try to convince her of anything, no gifts, cards, I love you's.

 

Stay freindly but a bit distant .. like you may be ready to move on yourself.

 

Flirt with some other women, do not act on it but get used to doing it again if you usually don't anymore.

 

Be prepared for any outcome....

[sumdude]

Thanks everyone, I am not going to give up on the marriage without a fight, any you may be right, prehaps she is looking for more attention from me.

 

I will keep you all updated over the coming weeks.

 

A

 

It may be possible that you're not a challenge to her anymore... challenge = tension = passion in many womens minds. If you're conquered then you're not sexy... Showering her with more attention right now may only drive her away. You'll have to watch carefully how she responds and adjust accordingly.

 

You might want to consider marriage counciling. Bring it up with her, if she isn't interested.. go alone. It will help to have someone to talk to about it all.

[Antd]

Well things moved faster than I thought, I did something really stupid this afternoon and looked at her e-mails. There were e-mails there from another guy, so I confronted her and she said that there was nothing going on. We decided to spend some time away from each other so I am in a hotel for the next few days.

 

I told her I will not let her go without a fight, who knows what is going to happen. All I know is that it is tearing me apart at the moment a feel as though I cannot go on alone.

 

So there we have it, the ball is in court, it is up to her to decide if she wants marriage or not.

 

I will update you all on the weekend.

[Antd]

Spent a night in a hotel on Tuesday, did not sleep all night and felt myself tearing apart at the seams. About 4am, I decided to put my thoughts into an e-mail and sent it to my wife. The e-mail explained how I did not see this coming and it hurt me deeply. I also said in the e-mail that I would not beg her to stay with me as I wanted to keep some self respect and dignity.I also said in the e-mail that I would return home on Saturday as I could not find a hotel after this date (There is a big event in town this weekend so there are no hotels within 100kms).

 

Yesterday I had an e-mail asking me to come home so we could talk about what has happened. Well the upshot is that we talked about her feelings, she says she feels trapped and as though she has not done anything with her life apart from being married. (This is her second marriage). She admits she did feel attracted to another man and did go out with him but nothing happened at all. Although she did want something to happen, she said she would never do it while she is married (Her first marriage split because her ex had an affair). She has also promised to break contact with this guy (who is a friend of a friend).

 

So we are going to give it another try, though she is very worried that it still will not work out and is still very distant towards me, but I guess this takes time. I am going to arrange some marriage guidance for next week as I think it may be good to get an outsiders view.

 

Thank you all for listening

[Chrome Barracuda]

Spent a night in a hotel on Tuesday, did not sleep all night and felt myself tearing apart at the seams. About 4am, I decided to put my thoughts into an e-mail and sent it to my wife. The e-mail explained how I did not see this coming and it hurt me deeply. I also said in the e-mail that I would not beg her to stay with me as I wanted to keep some self respect and dignity.I also said in the e-mail that I would return home on Saturday as I could not find a hotel after this date (There is a big event in town this weekend so there are no hotels within 100kms).

 

Yesterday I had an e-mail asking me to come home so we could talk about what has happened. Well the upshot is that we talked about her feelings, she says she feels trapped and as though she has not done anything with her life apart from being married. (This is her second marriage). She admits she did feel attracted to another man and did go out with him but nothing happened at all. Although she did want something to happen, she said she would never do it while she is married (Her first marriage split because her ex had an affair). She has also promised to break contact with this guy (who is a friend of a friend).

 

So we are going to give it another try, though she is very worried that it still will not work out and is still very distant towards me, but I guess this takes time. I am going to arrange some marriage guidance for next week as I think it may be good to get an outsiders view.

 

Thank you all for listening

 

 

Bullshi* something happened with thisa other man, dont believe what she said!

 

First and foremost she's doing exactly what her ex did to her! How many marriages is gonna make it right with her. She's been the BS before now she's gonna be the WS? WTF?

 

At least she's willing to make things right. All you gotta do is enforce NC with this OM. No if ands or buts about it. Without that you wont be reconsiled. You need to make that a priority. Good luck on restoring things.

[jmargel]

Why in the world do YOU have to leave the house and goto a hotel? Quit rolling over and piddling.

 

Listen.. I have been giving advice on here for a couple of years and I am going to give you the same kind of advice. You need to use tough love. What she did to you was CHEAT. Whether or not she had sex, I don't know but when you spend time with someone like this outside the marriage in that kind of way that is cheating. Don't make her try to turn the tables around on you and put the blame on yourself. That is a defense mechanism. It's to soften her guilt but what it also does is give her justification for what she's doing.

 

Remember if you didn't play detective and snoop in her email she would still be going out with this guy. How long has this been happening? More than one date I can presume. Be firm on what you will NOT tolerate and mention to her the trust issue is now broken. Find a marriage counselor this week (a licensed one). Granted the communication between you two has not been great but that is NO excuse for her behavior. Get pissed off and show it. Take that safety net away from her. That will either make her want to come back to the marriage or head for the hills, however at least it's a resolution to this and you won't be dragged through the mud.

 

She's lied to you already, what else is she capable of? It's time to start checking cell records, find a digital voice recorder, put it in the back pocket of her front seat. It's time to find out the truth about everything. When my wife was cheating on me she used blanket statements on what was wrong with 'me'. Also really verbally abusive and cold to me. It's a normal reaction you get from your wife when they are cheating.

[Woggle]

Something more is going on with this guy and I would just call it a day and end the marriage. She will keep you in limbo for a long time and it will drive you up the wall. Don't you think you deserve better?

[jesslindy]

It is a good thing she SAYS key word SAYS she wants to work on it. That is a good thing, if she DOES more than she SAYS.

 

Jmargel, and Woggle are right. You need to demand no contact. And she needs to give you every resource you need to beleive that there is no contact. If she can't, tell her to hit the bricks. Become a detective, cell phone records, get a keylogger for your computer, e-mails, digtal recorder. Anything.

 

YOU CANNOT RECONCILE YOUR MARRAIGE WITH ANOTHER MAN IN THE PICTURE!!!

 

Read the book LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by Dr. James Dobson. Follow it. If she feels trapped, open up the cage and let her out. She just might want back in quickly. And if not, all the books you read and counseling you get and the fact you are "manning-up" if you will, will you put you on the path to healing that much faster.

 

If she does want to work on the marriage, get back in shape and become attractive. But do it for YOURSELF!!! The benifits of her coming arounnd are a side note. She has already disrespected you, and now you should not show her anything but tough love, its your only chance. Cheaters are liars so do not beleive anything until she gives you a reason to.

 

Get Strong and Stay Strong. You can do it.

[Antd]

Thank you all for your kind words and comments, this is turning out to be a great outlet for expressing my feelings and talking.

 

Well last night was a horrible night, on Wednesday, as you know we decided to give it another try, but last night I could tell that something had changed again and we had another chat. We both got very emotional and decided to make a clean break from each other. As you can imagine, I was devastated and broke down quite badly. Although I was strong enough not to beg I was heartbroken. After a while I decided that I need to take control of the situation and started talking very non emotional and matter of fact about what we need to do. I let her know that she could have everything including the house and I was happy to walk away with nothing. I said I would transfer the mortgage into her name and she could take over the payments. I said I would need 2 weeks to find another place, but would move out after that point.

 

This really was hurting me, however, I knew I had to find the strength to do this, so I went into businessman mode.

 

Don't know really what happened next, but after about 30 minutes she said she did not want me to leave as this is my home. She says she is so confused, one minute she wants me and the next minute she wants something different. She says she blows hot and cold about our marriage but wants to try.

 

Well, that's the update for now, lets see what today brings. I have an appointment this afternoon to see an apartment (Always good to have a back up plan). And we have planned to do a few things together tonight, so we will just have to see.

 

One good point, she did say 'I love you' this morning as she was leaving for work and that is the first time she has done that all week.

[Gunny376]

BS!

 

You're wanting to wear the mathyr's cloth! This isnt 'anything but a bid for sympathy~ "poor little me!" Look at me wearing sack-cloth! This isn't anything but trying to hang your azz upon a "lover's cross!"

 

You can't BS those that have been there! And back! And you can't BS yourself! We won't let ya!

 

You might think this tatic will work for her, but it won't hold water for those that's felt the fire in the belly, that's been through the HELL and brimestone!

 

It'd selfdefeating! And it'll hurt you and you alone in the end!

 

Now climb your azz down off that lover's cross!

[Mike1966]

Man...

 

I just came across this thread and really feel for you as I just went through the same thing. Only I was married 15 yrs and got the "I don't love you anymore" routine just 4 months ago.

 

You need to listen to Gunny, Jmargel and the others here. In my case, I didn't know there was another man but found out there could have been the whole time. We are now getting divorced. After 4 months of waffling, sex once in between, and me being as understanding and supportive as I possibly could, she left anyway and is seeing someone.

 

I know you don't what to hear what you're being told, I didn't, but in your case where she has been in contact and even seen someone else she needs a wake up call and, IMO, you need to give her tough love. Either commit to stop seeing anyone, and start working on the marriage, or she's on her own. When women are emotionally attached to another or torn between you and another, I really don't think there's any other way to go about it. It's hard, but you need to let her know that she is going to have to respect you.

 

Hang in there.

[jmargel]

See the difference now? If you would have begged it would have pushed her even further. By you standing up for yourself and calling her bluff now, you made it 'real' for her. You need to set clear guidelines on what is and is not accepted. She has to win you back as well. Don't tolerate her immaturity and her selfishness.

 

I would highly suggest marriage counseling but just don't make the appointment on your own. She needs to be a part of it. Be ready to walk away from this and let her know this. That miscommunication between you two is one thing, cheating is a whole other ball game. Tough love is needed here.

[sumdude]

Do not make any major financial or property decisions when you are emotionally distraught!!

 

 

If you give away the farm now in a year or two when you've calmed down you'll kick yourself!

[Gunny376]

NO CONTACT!

 

UNTIL ~ you've regained your self-dignity, self-respect, back! No contact ~ until you've got it in your head that you deserve better! No contact! None ~ Zilch ~ Nadda!

 

Even if that means lying drunk in a ditch, becoming a homeless wino ~ crack-head puking and p***ing all over yourself, male homosexual prostitute! But by God be proud of yourself!

 

For the LOVE of God! Get your SELF-RESPECT back!!

 

If no one loves you? God does! Your Mother does!

[ilmw]

NO CONTACT!

 

UNTIL ~ you've regained your self-dignity, self-respect, back! No contact ~ until you've got it in your head that you deserve better! No contact! None ~ Zilch ~ Nadda!

 

Even if that means lying drunk in a ditch, becoming a homeless wino ~ crack-head puking and p***ing all over yourself, male homosexual prostitute! But by God be proud of yourself!

 

For the LOVE of God! Get your SELF-RESPECT back!!

 

If no one loves you? God does! Your Mother does!

 

To add to Gunnies post... (which is normally hard to do)

 

Without self-respect/dignity... one cannot truly have self love. If we do not love or respect ourselves... how can we expect anyone else to.... Find that... and everything will fall into place. You well see the world in a different light.

 

Just my .5cents added to gunnies 2:)

 

ilmw