gonetildecember Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Do women need it more in LDR's? Sometimes i go crazy if i haven't heard from my Bf.. or i feel like i always wanna tell him that i miss him or love him or at least offer some sort of reassurance that he is on my mind.. he says it but is less forthcoming.. is that normal? are women generally more vocal about that stuff in LDR's?
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 It depends on the person. The popular notion is that guys express themselves less, emotionally - which I don't completely agree with. Styles of expression vary from individual to individual. In the context of it being a long-distance relationship, it also depends on how well-adjusted or comfortable the person is, being by himself or herself. Some people get along fine without having major withdrawal symptoms every few days. Others have a hard time being by themselves, and need to see/hear reassuring behavior more often.
Author gonetildecember Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 For the most part he's very communicative.. for the first two months of our relationship we were together and he was always the one asking me to hang out and saying sweet things, etc. Since we've been apart... when I get to see him he is still like that.. but when we're apart.. I'm starting to feel like its a chore for him to call me.. especially recently.. sometimes i know that he's just sitting at home and we havent spoken all day.. and i'm dying to talk to him.. but for once i want him to take initiative and i want him to be the one that wants to talk to me. i know he misses me.. i made the mistake once of jokingly saying u just dont miss me as much as i miss u.. and he told me i hurt his feelings.. i just really wanna believe that some guys aren't as expressive or are just anti phone.. instead of believing that something else is wrong u know any thoughts?
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 For the most part he's very communicative.. for the first two months of our relationship we were together and he was always the one asking me to hang out and saying sweet things, etc. Since we've been apart... when I get to see him he is still like that.. but when we're apart.. I'm starting to feel like its a chore for him to call me.. especially recently.. sometimes i know that he's just sitting at home and we havent spoken all day.. and i'm dying to talk to him.. but for once i want him to take initiative and i want him to be the one that wants to talk to me. i know he misses me.. i made the mistake once of jokingly saying u just dont miss me as much as i miss u.. and he told me i hurt his feelings.. i just really wanna believe that some guys aren't as expressive or are just anti phone.. instead of believing that something else is wrong u know any thoughts? I know what you're saying. After the initial "launch phase" of the relationship, though, these sitautions do happen often. He's probably comfortable in the knowledge that he has you already, and doesn't feel the need to court you as much. That's from his perspective, though. From your perspective, I understand that you'd need to keep the communication going. Communication is very, very important in a LDR. However, sometimes there may be periods of lull, because there's only so much you can talk about, over the phone. The romantic coochie-cooing can also get old pretty fast. You can only say the same dialogues so many times, you know. If you don't maintain an interest and concern in what the other is doing, then you just grow apart. Besides, the fact remains that you lead separate lives, and the details of one person's life may not interest the other so much. And that is precisely the reason why LDRs take a lot of work. Both parties have to make a conscious effort to share the details of their lives, and be interested in what the other is doing. Tell your BF that while you don't expect him to talk for hours on end, it is essential to talk regularly. There's no strict rule. But it has to be as often as is necessary for it to be called a "relationship".
Author gonetildecember Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Thats what i'm saying.. i don't need the hour long conversations.. neither of us are big on that.. but a simple.. 5 minute.. how was ur day.. i missed u.. goodnight kinda thing is what i was looking for.. and it just hurts my feelings i guess.. that 1) i can't be with him and 2) it doesn't seem to afffect him when he doesn't talk to me.. its not like he's oblivious to it. the next time we talk he'll say something like h sorry i forgot to call u last night or i fell asleep.. which sometimes makes me feel worse.. because he usually crosses my mind at least once before i head to sleep. i never just FORGET him. and i don't even feel like it's something i can talk to him about because he doesn't see it as an issue. he's so nonchalant about it. i don't want him to think i'm being irrational.. i want him to WANT to talk to me on his own.. without me saying. CALL ME u know.
Author gonetildecember Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 and it could just be the comfort thing.. the initial courting faze is over so he doesn't feel like he has to make as much effort.. but i figured since i see him 2 days every two weeks... the phone at least isn't too much to ask for is it?
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Lopsided communication is an issue, and you do need to bring it up. Don't be afraid to talk about it because you're scared that "he'll be upset". You'll have to be straightforward about it and ask him if he's really LDR material. Also, let him know that being in a LDR, the only way for him to be in touch with what is happening in your life (and vice-versa), is to talk often. I'm guessing he's shrewd enough to deflect or avoid a confrontational discussion like this one. He may launch into the argument or go into the upset mode straightaway. You'll have to maintain your calm, and tell him that this is not to corner him or blame him. This is an issue that you feel strongly about, and need him to listen, cooperate, and participate in resolving it. See if he gets your point - hopefully he will.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 and it could just be the comfort thing.. the initial courting faze is over so he doesn't feel like he has to make as much effort.. but i figured since i see him 2 days every two weeks... the phone at least isn't too much to ask for is it? If it's a full-blown, real relationship, I think calling once a day is sort of an unspoken rule - unless there are legitimate reasons not to. The conversation doesn't have to be hyper-romantic or intense every time, but it should be good enough to have served the two main purposes - to be involved in each other's life, and to feel better to have talked to someone you're close to.
Author gonetildecember Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 See the thing is Its the EXACT opposite.. rather than get defensive.. i can see it hitting him hard. and he'll take it as he's hurting me and do everything to try to fix it.. i was just hoping that i wouldn't have to say something to bring forth the change and that he'd want to talk to me at least once a day you know. it is a full blown real relationship.. and since we've been LD (the past month or so) he's usually been good.. we talked once during the day before one of us left the house.. and then right before bed just to talk about the day and that sort of thing.. for maybe 15-20 mins at night and 5-10 during the day.. nothing excessive...it's a free call for both of us so not a big deal. but for the past week or so it's been maybe one call.. if that.. usually initiated by me.. sunday night after me getting back from seeing him he told me he's call before he went to bed.. he fell asleep....yesterday didn't call all day.. he was busy thats understandable.. got home.. we talked on msn (while he was doing something) for about 10 minutes.. didnt call before he went to bed. today he called right before my exam to wish me luck for about 30 seconds...then nothing for the rest of the day its not a HUGE thing.. but the fact that i don't get to see him.. and he's online (on facebook at random points during the day...etc) and then just doesn't call hurts my feelings.. makes me feel like he doesn't wanna talk to me or doesn't miss me usually he's really good with making me feel secure and talking.. (he's the big one on expressing feelings and all that) its just making me feel like something else is happening or he just doesn't miss me/care?
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 OK, so it's been a week that this has been happening, and things were "normal" before that? I wish you'd shared this and the other details before, it would've made the issue simpler. Well, it might just be that he's genuinely busy, or tired out. And you mention that you talked with him on MSN - well, to save time, you might've just talked on the phone, instead. Try this for a few days and see if that improves the situation. If you still feel that the communication is inadequate, then by all means talk about it. Yes, it would have been ideal if you didn't have to mention this to him. But he's not a mind-reader, you know. He's not viewing this as a problem, and you are. So it's your job to bring it to his notice. And if you talk about it in a nice, loving way, there's no reason he would take it in a bad way.
Author gonetildecember Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 in regards to the MSN thing.. i said u busy, can i call u.. and he told me his friend was on the phone.. so i continued on msn expecting that he would call after he got off.. as he usually does.. and he didnt. he isn't a mind reader.. but he can read me very well.. and the other day he could sense i was upset about something... and the first thing he said was sorry i didnt call you.... so in some ways he knows. maybe i'm just in a bad mood because i haven't really had a chance to talk to him in a few days... a lot is going on and i just want to tell him about it (good stuff u know.. and i feel like he isn't there) he's coming up here to visit friday afternoon... i just don't know how to bring it up really
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 You're fluctuating between being angry and being apologetic. I'd say give it a few more days. If you still feel it's not working after a few days, then talk about it. Just say that you want to talk about something that has been on your mind...and take it from there.
Author gonetildecember Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 I finally gave in and called today at 3pm, after still not hearing from him... the first thing he said after hearing my voice was sorry i didn't call you last night.. so it's not as if he's completely clueless.. is it just going to keep happening, and he's going to keep apologizing? i'm going to bring it up tonight.. (he said he would call) we'll see how it goes?
costahobo Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 i'm involved in an LDR right now, since august, and i'd say that initially it was harder on me. i have plenty of friends in the military, and they gave me advice on how to deal with it. to establish routine. communication is so vital. my girl would get insecure if a day goes by without me talking to her, but that doesn't happen. we've talked every single day since she left. it doesn't get any easier at all, but you manage to deal with it. and you have to stay involved in each others' lives. talk the same way you would if the two of you were physically together. the same things you'd gossip about. any problems you had that day. it's hard, i know. but it'll be over one day.
Drmnlyzr Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I am going through the same thing !! always looking for assurance from his side. Sometime i end up fighting with him over a silly thing just because i am insecure and have a fear of loosing him. Slowly now i am feeling week and vulnurable and started hating myself.
Author gonetildecember Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 He came to visit for the canadian thanksgiving weekend. Things were great, we were closer than ever.. and it made me realise that he was probably just having a busy week/him not calling as much as he initially did when we first went LDR doesn't mean he doesn't care. I guess it will take some getting used to.. physical presence is ideal.. but i guess we have to work with what we have. It is hard to keep yourself "sane" when you don't hear from them as much as you want.. especially when you're missing that physical presence.. but the trusting/insecurities of not being with the person is something i guess i have to try to work on. Things are back to normal/great for now Try to keep your heads up, for those who are having the same problem.
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