spunkyteach Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 i've posted on here a couple of times about my current relationship and my lack of security in it...its mainly my low self esteem issues and i am trying to deal with them and all of that is neither here nor there at this point...long post even longer...we moved in together in august and a couple of weeks ago we were at a jewelry store and picked out wedding rings...we both tried on "the one" and i cant think of anything else now...i love him with all my heart and the best day of my life will be when i get to be his wife...i wont lie and say that i cant help but feel some of my insecurities will be squashed with a proposal because of my fear of abandonment...i know people can leave at anytime but for some reason im feeling this...didnt say it made sense but its how i feel nonetheless...anyways...after looking at the rings i cant think of anything else but when the rings come up i get "i dont have the money for them right now" and "eventually youll get it" "someday youll have that one" and on and on...i guess i just dont know how to chill...we live in a metropolitan city where things book quickly and with my job i have a limited time frame on when a wedding and honeymoon can be...i know we will be together and i know time shouldnt matter but i dont see a point in waiting years if you know youre gonna do it anyways...i dont think people should rush into marriage either...i feel it is the most sacred of institutions and dont take this lightly but now i feel like perhaps my bf was just appeasing me by going in so why would he try on rings too and tell me how great the one i picked looked on me and all this...and now i hear "eventually and someday"...i feel like that even if he had the money in his pocket we still wouldnt have the rings...i feel like therell always be an excuse why we dont have them and why were not planning things...moving on and so on...i dont know...could be overreacting... i just have a lot going on with the move and new job and his job (see previous posts from me on this) and i dont know...just at a loss...thanks for any and all advice...im driving myself batty...sorry to ramble.. )
norajane Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 You've been with this guy since February and just moved in together. Why are you in such a rush to get married?! i cant help but feel some of my insecurities will be squashed with a proposal because of my fear of abandonment...i I see - well, that's not a good reason to get married. You will have to chill out and let this relationship develop naturally, or you'll find yourself pushing him away. No one likes to be pushed into marriage to appease someone's insecurities! Now that you are living together, take this time to get to know each other and learn how to be a couple. Every now and then when it comes up, discuss things like where you would want to live after marriage, work out how you would handle finances, talk about children and how that would impact your jobs. Basically, talk about how the two of you envision your future and the practical aspects of being married. Don't get on his back about proposing and those rings. You may feel you need the ring to 'prove' that he's going to stay with you, but you need to listen to what he's telling you - he's not ready for marriage. The money thing may or may not be what's holding him back, but he's telling you HE'S NOT READY. And since you've only been together since February, that's really not unusual. Don't push him away.
Author spunkyteach Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 i didnt even see it that way...hes not ready...and i cant make him be that way...so now i wait...wait...wait...no matter how bad i want it...thanks again...
norajane Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 i didnt even see it that way...hes not ready...and i cant make him be that way...so now i wait...wait...wait...no matter how bad i want it...thanks again... Don't think of it as waiting. Think of it as BEING with him. The best thing you can do is be loving toward him - enjoy being with him, have fun with him, laugh with him, talk with him, BE the great person that you are and that he fell in love with. That's really the only thing that will make him comfortable about getting married - seeing that you are happy together.
Author spunkyteach Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 i guess it hurts that he went through all that and talked like he did and now i know he doesnt really want it...i am almost 30 but that is just mean...if he didnt want to then he shouldnt have because i got my heart all wrapped up in it and started looking forward to things to find out hes not ready...guess i just think he couldve handled it better... i get what youre saying but i cant wrap my head around waiting for him to see if this is really what he wants...i guess i am basing that off the other relationships ive been in where they all eventually figure out im not that great and they can do better and move on... thats what i am used to...i feel it...he doesnt...same story...different guy...:lmao:
Author spunkyteach Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 i know its me...i know its my fault... (and i thought that other smiley was crying...my bad)
Trialbyfire Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Firstly, stop beating yourself up about this. It's not helping you at all. I agree that you need to take a step back and relax. No more pressure on him. Having said that, if he's not ready for commitment and you are, the two of you have an incompatibility. Just make sure that you want a commitment for valid reasons, instead of your own insecurities. Think of the relationship first. [bash]I hate guys who attempt to appease. Have the balls to stand up and just say that you're not ready. If it loses you someone, oh well, better that than to string them along. I mean really....how selfish and/or cowardly can you be.[/bash over]
Author spunkyteach Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 but i think he does this often...as long as we've been together anyways...i just dont get it...we talked for about a month before we met and he was all "brutal honesty this and that" and now i know he didnt really mean it i guess cause he doesnt do it..i knew posting would help...now i just need to figure out how to deal with the incompatibility...theres obviously a reason for it...grrrrr
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