LisaNotLiza Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 If he doesn't call you by the end of the week, then we can all safely assume the guy's a jerk. -end of the story- It sucks for you, but you also gave in. Lesson learned.
Krytie TV Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 The women posting here are clinging to the idea that a woman who has sex on the first encounter is perceived as a dirty slut. That's not necessarily the case, but the chase has ended. So that's no longer there. And add to that the possible concern the guy may have for how much value and emotion the woman places in sex and in herself as an intellectual and emotional being and there are more reasons why the man may no longer be interested in that girl. It's just a reality that many men, including myself, would be reluctant to start a relationship with a girl they slept with after being together for a couple of hours. Call it ridiculous, a double standard, whatever. Trust me, men feel there are just as many ridiculous double standards that women have... that's the way it is. You have yours and we have ours. You're better off listening and trying to understand it than to argue about it.
Krytie TV Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 You really wouldn't want someone like this, would you? And the point is it is very possible that he is thinking the exact same thing about her.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 And the point is it is very possible that he is thinking the exact same thing about her. she didn't know he was going to feel this way, she went into it probably thinking, he wants to sleep with me too so we're on the same page. i am pretty sure he knew she would sleep with him by the time it happened. if he so valued the sexual act that was about to occur, he could have stopped it. he didn't. (not should have, could have. note the difference.) anyway, i am, as are we all, aware of the double standards both men and women have. that doesn't mean feelings don't get hurt and that people don't end up feeling disrespected in the process. the OP is upset, and she ought to be, if that is how she sees it. and the guy can go on thinking whatever he's thinking, nothing is going to change that either.
marlena Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 And the point is it is very possible that he is thinking the exact same thing about her. Agreed. He probably is too. Just two people who think and perceive of things differently. Not compatible!! I know there are lots of mature,intelligent men who do not equate a woman having sex on a first date to a slut. Many would appreciate her lack of inhibitions and liberal views on equality of the sexes.
oppath Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 A woman who puts out on the first date is not a slut. However, having sex does not suppose a future commitment of any kind, even a phone call. It would be nice, and I agree it is respectful to receive. Bottom line is that even if you want some booty call fun, you should probably wait to see if the guy will be reliable to follow up. If you have sex with a guy on date 1, you can't get your panties in a bunch if he doesn't call. Having sex does not mean "I really like you and want to see you again." It doesn't. More importantly, sex is highly intimate. I know some guys get scared after havin sex so soon because they are unsure what pace to continue. I've gotten distant after sex because I felt the act was more intimate than the connection we had. I wasn't prepared to deal with that level of intimacy so soon, especially if I wasn't sure I really liked the girl. If I don't really like a girl, if I just enjoy her and think she is allright, sex = too much intimacy. Not too much to have, but too much to court her afterwards. The chase is gone, and I have to really think "do I like her?" the answer is always no, because if I really like a girl, I wouldn't have sex with her the first night I met her. I'd get her number and call her later. If it were a date, I end the night with a kiss.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 that's not what i meant. i'm not saying guys don't feel that way, i am saying it's an odd way of thinking. it's the whole "i can do it, but you can't" mentality that is bothersome to the OP. if, as according to you, women rarely value innocence and lack of experience, they still value being considered equal, and a man saying "i can eff you but you can't eff me back without being a dirty hussy" is pretty ridiculous, no matter how you slice it. saying "i can do something but you can't" IS hypocritical, even if you feel that way and it's your right to feel that way. and who's snivelling? Well, I understand that you think its hypocritical... but I'm telling you that your comparing apples and oranges. Male and Female sexuality is as different as the body parts involved. You want them to be same? You want them to be equal? Guys know this intuitively.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Well, I understand that you think its hypocritical... but I'm telling you that your comparing apples and oranges. Male and Female sexuality is as different as the body parts involved. You want them to be same? You want them to be equal? Guys know this intuitively. i'm not thinking it's hypocritical, it IS. nevermind, i can't explain it anymore than i have that i am not disagreeing you and why i don't see it as apples and oranges. there is a bottom line, and that's all i am getting at. if a girl wants to be respected, she shouldn't sleep with someone on the first date. if a guy doesn't want a girl who sleeps with him on the first date, he shouldn't sleep with her either. bunny?
marlena Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 If you have sex with a guy on date 1, you can't get your panties in a bunch if he doesn't call. Having sex does not mean "I really like you and want to see you again." It doesn't. More importantly, sex is highly intimate. I know some guys get scared after havin sex so soon because they are unsure what pace to continue. Opp. I agree with the above 100 %! Anyone who thinks differently would be childish! Mature sex is just that. Mature. You know it can go either way and you accept these terms, let's say. People should have sex only when and if they want to. Sex should not be used as a tool or as a way to gain anything. It is not something one should use to keep a man or woman. That is as much a fallacy as getting knocked up just to get your hooks nto someone. Not a good idea. If you need to feel intimate with a woman on other levels before having sex with her, then, that's just what you should do. Personally, there have been times in my life when I just wanted to have sex and nothing more and other times when I needed to reach a high level of personal intimacy before I could have sex. It all depended on where I was "at" at the time or on the person I was dealing with.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 I beg to defer. Just because it's a typical view of sexuality does not mean it makes sense. It just means that men unfortunately still think like their ancestors did. Perhaps it's about time this typical view which undoubtedly expresses a double- standard should be re -examined. It is sexist and very discriminating. A mature and intelligent man would not set this as a prime criteria for wanting to further a relationship with a woman or not. Rather he would base his decision on other qualities a woman may have such as intelligence, maturity, confidence, personality and character. i find this return to a puritan way of thinking very disconcerting to say the least. If a man had this kind of mindset, I know I would find him not only unattractive but a cretin as well. It makes perfect biological sense to view things this way! Do you think that just because we drive cars and use cellphones that our DNA is suddenly re-arranged? You want to call me a cretin for that? Fine, go find yourself a eunuch!
Cobra_X30 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 i'm not thinking it's hypocritical, it IS. nevermind, i can't explain it anymore than i have that i am not disagreeing you and why i don't see it as apples and oranges. there is a bottom line, and that's all i am getting at. if a girl wants to be respected, she shouldn't sleep with someone on the first date. if a guy doesn't want a girl who sleeps with him on the first date, he shouldn't sleep with her either. bunny? Oh, man... Don't you see though? Competition Kenzie... guys are competative. We all want to be the best! How am I supposed to know if a girl will go all the way... if I dont push? It's part of that getting to know you phase. Yeah, I might not like what I find... but thats the way it goes sometimes! And you never know until you try right? So, I understand why you think its hypocritical. But do you at least understand why it happens? double bunny :bunny:!
KenzieAbsolutely Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 So, I understand why you think its hypocritical. But do you at least understand why it happens? double bunny :bunny:! yes, because i said that!!!! triple bunny!!!!!! :bunny: rawrrrrr, cobra, rawrrr!!!
Author heidiQ Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 So then just because we slept together it totally devalues anything he said, before and after? I do need to re-iterate that we had an amazing connection by email, over the phone, and in person. I feel i know him better than many men I have gone out with in the past on multiple dates. I wouldn't just sleep with anyone, but we both felt the connection and went with it.
spookie Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 So then just because we slept together it totally devalues anything he said, before and after? I do need to re-iterate that we had an amazing connection by email, over the phone, and in person. I feel i know him better than many men I have gone out with in the past on multiple dates. I wouldn't just sleep with anyone, but we both felt the connection and went with it. Would the man you "knew" have done this to you? No matter what anyone thinks about sex on the first date and people who have sex on the first date, I think in this situation he was out of line by telling you LIES. (Such as, we have a great connection. And see you later.) Even if you're after just sex, or you have no respect for women who have sex with YOU too early (I still hold that that's messed up in the head) , there's a basic amount of respect that I believe you owe to everyone that calls for not lying straight through your teeth to get your way. I agree that sex doesn't necessitate a phone call or future outings, but it's unfair to lead a woman on to get her into bed. One night stands are fine, not calling back is fine, no one owes anyone that much, but if you're a decent person you'll call a spade a spade. Plain and simple, heidi, you were duped. But, it was very naive of you to trust someone you really didn't know (as it takes actual time to "know" someone) so, messed up as his actions were imo, you gotta take some blame for being so gullible.
Krytie TV Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 So then just because we slept together it totally devalues anything he said, before and after? I do need to re-iterate that we had an amazing connection by email, over the phone, and in person. I feel i know him better than many men I have gone out with in the past on multiple dates. I wouldn't just sleep with anyone, but we both felt the connection and went with it. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh heidiQ, but I think you need to know this. Too many people are too gullable (sp?). You don't know anyone through emails. Text is 7% of communication. Who you know through Email is whatever the other person wants you to know. Geez heidi, I could communicate with you for months over email and you could be totally convinced that I work in the city planning office in Troutdale and that my name is Frank and I have a pet snake Spike (I don't). I could have you believe anything I want you to. Now how much do you think you know about someone through email? The truth is you don't know who someone is until the novelty has worn off. I declare that to be 10 weeks,but everyone has their own mark. What I'm saying is wake up. You don't know anyone in 2 hours of face to face contact, and if you think you do you have some rough times ahead. Lord, the guy could have been a rapist for crying out loud. It was random chance that he wasn't, not because you know him so well... you don't. You'll be taken as a sucker as long as you put your faith in people so easily. No one has yet mentioned how incredibly reckless (for lack of name calling) it was for you to even go to his house that night. Ever seen Silence of the Lambs? You may laugh, but every victim comes from somewhere. Sorry for ranting. Just stop saying you know him so well. I don't believe you. You have NO idea who this person is, you just hope you do. He may call and this may all resolve, but wake up and start being more discerning of the company you keep... and CAUTIOUS.
Author heidiQ Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 Would the man you "knew" have done this to you? No matter what anyone thinks about sex on the first date and people who have sex on the first date, I think in this situation he was out of line by telling you LIES. (Such as, we have a great connection. And see you later.) Even if you're after just sex, or you have no respect for women who have sex with YOU too early (I still hold that that's messed up in the head) , there's a basic amount of respect that I believe you owe to everyone that calls for not lying straight through your teeth to get your way. I agree that sex doesn't necessitate a phone call or future outings, but it's unfair to lead a woman on to get her into bed. One night stands are fine, not calling back is fine, no one owes anyone that much, but if you're a decent person you'll call a spade a spade. Plain and simple, heidi, you were duped. But, it was very naive of you to trust someone you really didn't know (as it takes actual time to "know" someone) so, messed up as his actions were imo, you gotta take some blame for being so gullible. OH, I fully take blame and am now having serious regrets about what I did, but I have to say I am a good judge of character, and he is not slimey or a liar at all. I would accept that he just lost respect for me before I accept that he is a liar.
Replicant Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 What gets me about guys who say they lose respect for girls THEY sleep with on the first date, is that THEY are willing participants as well. Does that mean they have no self-respect, as well? Or just double-standrads? That's why it's hypocritical. Either you are engaging in an activity that makes you lose respect for yourself as well, or you think men are entitled to do things that women are not. Respect is lost primarily because the boundaries are set at that point (Purely sexual), if she puts out so easy on the first date there was no relationship building up to the point of that ever happening as in most cases, respect is but one thing gained by both during that time. So everything carries on normally. It's not about double standards or respect, it was just sex. If you put yourself out there to be so easy. Then rail on guys for walking afterwards, you don't really have a much to support your claims. It's just the way it tends to be. Men or women.
Author heidiQ Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 I'm sorry if this sounds harsh heidiQ, but I think you need to know this. Too many people are too gullable (sp?). You don't know anyone through emails. Text is 7% of communication. Who you know through Email is whatever the other person wants you to know. Geez heidi, I could communicate with you for months over email and you could be totally convinced that I work in the city planning office in Troutdale and that my name is Frank and I have a pet snake Spike (I don't). I could have you believe anything I want you to. Now how much do you think you know about someone through email? The truth is you don't know who someone is until the novelty has worn off. I declare that to be 10 weeks,but everyone has their own mark. What I'm saying is wake up. You don't know anyone in 2 hours of face to face contact, and if you think you do you have some rough times ahead. Lord, the guy could have been a rapist for crying out loud. It was random chance that he wasn't, not because you know him so well... you don't. You'll be taken as a sucker as long as you put your faith in people so easily. No one has yet mentioned how incredibly reckless (for lack of name calling) it was for you to even go to his house that night. Ever seen Silence of the Lambs? You may laugh, but every victim comes from somewhere. Sorry for ranting. Just stop saying you know him so well. I don't believe you. You have NO idea who this person is, you just hope you do. He may call and this may all resolve, but wake up and start being more discerning of the company you keep... and CAUTIOUS. I know, Thanks for the reality check - I guess sometimes I am too trusting, but isn't it better to have faith in humankind than to think everyone is evil?
KenzieAbsolutely Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 The truth is you don't know who someone is until the novelty has worn off. I declare that to be 10 weeks,but everyone has their own mark. What I'm saying is wake up. You don't know anyone in 2 hours of face to face contact, and if you think you do you have some rough times ahead. this is also true for a man who decides a girl he screwed is no longer worth it because she screwed him back. he doesn't know any more about her than he knows of him. OP, after that last post, i'm starting to wonder how your mind works.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 It's not about double standards or respect, it was just sex. If you put yourself out there to be so easy. Then rail on guys for walking afterwards, you don't really have a much to support your claims. It's just the way it tends to be. Men or women. bravo for recognizing both sexes do this.
Author heidiQ Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 OP, after that last post, i'm starting to wonder how your mind works. what do you mean?
Krytie TV Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 I know, Thanks for the reality check - I guess sometimes I am too trusting, but isn't it better to have faith in humankind than to think everyone is evil? This is what victims say.
fray718 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I hate to say it but I agree with the guys for the most part. Eventhough it's unfair that these things happen and yes I wish this isn't how men think, but well it IS reality and it IS what it is. Life is unfair. The one's who refuse to go with reality lose out while the ones who roll with it win.
marlena Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Internet dating has many pittfalls some of which can be dangerous while others are simply damaging to us. While I haven't run into a killer I have run into a lot of liars and cheats and well, just weirdos. It is a breeding ground for these types. I have stopped doing it and don't know if I ever will since my last debacle which lasted eight months. Yes, that's how long it took for me thoroughly look at the man behind the mask. He has been making contact in an effort to suck me back in but I won't have it. I agree with one poster who said it was way too risky to go to his place the very first time you met face to face. Of course the same and much worse could have happened if you had picked him u in a bar. Every see a movie "looking for Mr. Goodbar?" I also agree with another poster that you can not get to know a person through emails and texts. They create personnas that suit them and then poof! one day you find out it is all a sham. It takes a very long time to get to know another person well. If what you are lokking for is not one night stands but a long term relationship then yes, I agree with most in here, wait to build a relationship and get to know another person before you give yourself away, mind, body and soul. Do not fret over this one. He misled you into thinking there could me more without knowing you either. Whether he did this with a purpose or because he too was gullible I don't know. What I do know is that he could have afforded you the courtesy of some reply. It's Ok for two adults to have just sex as long as it is clear to both that it is just this and nothing more. Misleading is wrong. Chalk it up to experience and try not to think of it.
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