sneakinaround1 Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 We'd been married for 4 years, then separated because we both had growing up to do. She was a virgin when we met. During our 4 month separation, she had sex with 2 men, one of whom was my first cousin. I know I played a big part in the temporary breakup, but every time I see my cousin at family functions, I want to beat the you know what out of him. Then I am miserable for the rest of the day. It has been over a year, but I still am not over this. SOMEONE please tell me something that will help me deal with my pain and anger.
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 During those 4 months, did you have sex with another woman? Did you two have an agreement that it was okay to have sex with other people? Her sleeping with your cousin was stupid, and obviously he has no respect or loyality to you....I hope that they aren't in contact anymore. If you two are still together now, then go to marriage counselling. If she hasn't seen or spoken to him, and the rest of your marriage is back on track, then somehow you're going to have to deal with your pain and anger..Maybe go talk to someone one on one.
Author sneakinaround1 Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 We had no agreement to "open" our marriage. But I do understand her curiosity to see what it felt like to have another man. My problem is my cousin and little brother are very close, and my cousin attends most family functions and I can not be myself because the thought of him on her drives me mad.
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Okay, I completely understand your anger...At him as he is your cousin and should have stayed away from YOUR wife, but your wife willingly allowed 'it' to happen too. Are you pissed off and upset at her? Where do things stand right now between the two of you? Does she know how you feel about this stuff?
Trimmer Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 During those 4 months, did you have sex with another woman? Did you two have an agreement that it was okay to have sex with other people? You very clearly and directly answered the second question, but completely avoided the first.
Author sneakinaround1 Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 I have voiced my concerns and opinions on this subject. Although she says what she did while we were apart is really none of my business. How do I manage to be around him and not feel "this" anymore?
Author sneakinaround1 Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 Trimmer reply: yes, I did have sex with 1 woman while we were apart but it was just a quick one night thing with no emotional attachment.
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Either don't be around him PERIOD, or go talk to him, TELL him how pissed off you are and do the guy thing, sort it out between the two of you. Who knows what your wife told him, do you know the 'full story'? My guess is no seeing as your wife wants to keep whatever happened during those 4 months quiet. How do you know that she didn't offer herself up to him, and he finally caved? It is just as much her fault, if not MORE, than his. Sure, it feels like double betrayal because she did it with your cousin...But you have to ask yourself 'Am I really MORE disappointed and pissed off, hurt, betrayed by my WIFE..."
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Trimmer reply: yes, I did have sex with 1 woman while we were apart but it was just a quick one night thing with no emotional attachment. Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Are you worried that she had feelings for him? Or still does? Isn't possible that it was unemotional for them as well? No emotional attachment? She just wanted to experiment with other men, unattached, and she did... If it wasn't your cousin, just a complete stranger (like the 2nd guy) would you be this upset? And, does she know that you had sex with another woman during those 4 months apart?
StaringContest Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 It has been over a year, but I still am not over this. SOMEONE please tell me something that will help me deal with my pain and anger. Have you tried beating the you know what out of him? In seriousness though, that sucks. Have you talked to your cousin about it? Cause that's just wrong to do to a family member. Although she says what she did while we were apart is really none of my business.I guess she's right that it's not, just like your ONS is none of her business. But she made it your business by having sex with a close family member. That's not cool. It'd probably help your anger if she acknowledged what she did wrong. The best thing I can tell you is to get some marriage counseling. Or maybe ask her how she'd feel if you slept with her sister (or cousin if she doesn't have a sister).
Author sneakinaround1 Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 Yes, I am angry with them both. It is just very hard to get past this when I have to see him from time to time. I have spoken to him one time, and told him that he was an a-hole, and that he snaked me and should have had more respect for me. I told her the same thing. I also told them both that I never want to see them talking together, and to never mention what happened to anyone . Each had agreed, but yet my anger in his presence still makes me batty!
annabelle75 Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Yes, I am angry with them both. It is just very hard to get past this when I have to see him from time to time. I have spoken to him one time, and told him that he was an a-hole, and that he snaked me and should have had more respect for me. I told her the same thing. I also told them both that I never want to see them talking together, and to never mention what happened to anyone . Each had agreed, but yet my anger in his presence still makes me batty! What they did may have been classless, but honestly you slept with another woman as well. Obviously you were both under the belief that the relationship was ending and you were moving on. You don't have a right to hold a grudge. You need to just get over it.
Darth Vader Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 What they did may have been classless, but honestly you slept with another woman as well. Obviously you were both under the belief that the relationship was ending and you were moving on. You don't have a right to hold a grudge. You need to just get over it. He can't "get over it" if it's been in the family. He sees the creep whenever, talk about a major trigger! Sneakin, Did she want the separation, or did you? I would have to wonder if "she" wanted the separation to go bang cousin boy!
Citizen Erased Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 What they did may have been classless, but honestly you slept with another woman as well. Obviously you were both under the belief that the relationship was ending and you were moving on. You don't have a right to hold a grudge. You need to just get over it. Wow... the issue is not her sleeping with someone else, the issue is that she chose to do so with his first cousin. He has no right to hold a grudge with the other men she slept with, they are unknown to him and as you stated, he has slept with another woman. But when it is family, that is a line no-one should cross.
Author sneakinaround1 Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 ahhhh!!! All I wanted to know was how do I cope having to constantly see this guy without picturing them together in "that way"! Let me just say that just getting over it is easier said than done!
Darth Vader Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 ahhhh!!! All I wanted to know was how do I cope having to constantly see this guy without picturing them together in "that way"! Let me just say that just getting over it is easier said than done! You don't! Have you thought about dumping your wife? Have you ever thought about telling the rest of the family? I'm serious. Chances are, they may still be banging each other. Better to expose this thing for what it really was/is. Let them take the heat, and be humiliated, rather than just you having to suffer with this, after all, why should they get off scott free, and you pay the bill? I suggest that the next time there is another one of these family gatherings, that you expose them both for who they are! Granted your wife will divorce you, but hey, she doesn't care about how you feel anyway, Right? Think about it!
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 ahhhh!!! All I wanted to know was how do I cope having to constantly see this guy without picturing them together in "that way"! Let me just say that just getting over it is easier said than done! I know, sleeping with a family member isnt easy to deal with, especially when you get back together with the person who did it against you. What happens at a party if the kids overhear your moms slept with cousin ronnie, then what? How is that gonna look upon the cousin and the mother? It makes them look like self serving *******s if you ask me. It could have been anyone else. why she'd have to sleep with his cousin. his cousin is a snake. His cousin could have had any other woman why his own cousin's? I dont get it. you dont do that to family. That's wrong!
lovelorcet Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 You don't! Have you thought about dumping your wife? Have you ever thought about telling the rest of the family? I'm serious. Chances are, they may still be banging each other. Better to expose this thing for what it really was/is. Let them take the heat, and be humiliated, rather than just you having to suffer with this, after all, why should they get off scott free, and you pay the bill? I suggest that the next time there is another one of these family gatherings, that you expose them both for who they are! Granted your wife will divorce you, but hey, she doesn't care about how you feel anyway, Right? Think about it! I think I am going to have to agree with this... I am sorry but I think you should cut your losses and move on.
cj1988 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Let me tell you, I know how you feel. If you read my threads I suspect that my H slept with his 1/2 sister right after we got married (lived together 12 years before). They both denied of course, but he still talks to her and I have to see her too. I am more angry at him more than her. Yes, I am the one that found her (they have the same dad) and brought the family together and she knew better ( married with 2 kids) but he made the choice and I am not married to her. Yes, I want to kick her ever living FAT a--, but what good would that do. What I am learning is that I am innocent in this all IF they did something that f------ up THEY have to live with that disgusting s--- not me. I can go to be at night knowing I have been faithful, not those two. No, he does not talk to her as much and refuses to talk about it any longer, remember I am the crazy one, NOT ! So, we are now together most of the time and he does not really see any of that famliy anymore. So, you see it is in you to move on and laugh at them, if not you will I promise drive yourself insane. Will my marriage last, I have know idea at this point, I just know I will be happy one way or another, that is up to me and only me. You have to try and stop thinking about it or it will kill you insise. It does get easier ( been 10 months for me) but it is still there most of the time. Just look at what you want and your future and take it one step at the time. Hope it was just sex with them, I know my H was seriously emotionally involved if not physical as well, that is what kills me (I heard them on tape) so be thankful you are not the foolish one and last, this was not about you, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG !
StaringContest Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Let me tell you, I know how you feel. If you read my threads I suspect that my H slept with his 1/2 sister right after we got married (lived together 12 years before). I'm sorry, this is going to be really insensitive, but somebody's gotta say it. Ew! How can you even look at the guy much less stayed married to him?
Darth Vader Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 I know, sleeping with a family member isnt easy to deal with, especially when you get back together with the person who did it against you. What happens at a party if the kids overhear your moms slept with cousin ronnie, then what? How is that gonna look upon the cousin and the mother? It makes them look like self serving *******s if you ask me. It could have been anyone else. why she'd have to sleep with his cousin. his cousin is a snake. His cousin could have had any other woman why his own cousin's? I dont get it. you dont do that to family. That's wrong! Who says that he has to bring the kids, leave them at a neighbors house, but, your right about that, they shouldn't hear that, YET!
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