voi143 Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 :confused:So I had posted a while ago regarding my relationship with a much older MM that I used to work with. So a couple of months later we are still "seeing" each other, to me he's my boyfriend, even though I no longer work for his firm anymore. We've gotten closer...and he told me he loved me for the first time last week. We still spend weekends together and a couple of times during the week for lunch and dinner...we talk to each other everyday and just this past weekend we spent a four day vacation together just to get out of the city. The last time he brought up the situation with his wife..he told me that she brought up starting the divorce . Since that time I've noticed he's stopped wearing his wedding band. I'm just really torn as to what to do. I never really thought I would fall in love with him. He's much older than me..he is the same age as my father & part of me feels that I'm not supposed to be doing this. I know the obvious one that he is still legally married..but he already told me that himself and his wife are already parting ways...and it seems like its true...I mean all I can go by is his word. Plus I think he is telling me the truth when I think about all the time we spend with each other. The thing is I can't picture myself with anyone else..it just hurts because I can't even tell anyone that I'm seeing him because I know a hand full of people that would hurt him.(don't worry I'm not underage I'm 22 yrs. old). So this weekend he told me that it's hard for me to hide my emotions on my face...and that eventually someone will find out about us..To me that served as a wakeup call to maybe end this little fantasy..but how can I when I think I've fallen in love.I'm getting ready to move to another city in a couple of months for school and he's already finding a place out there so that distance will not effect us as well as making other preparations. Through this I don't think he wants to end our relationship anytime soon..but I have no idea what to do. I don't know if I'm being completly blinded by love but part of me feels I should just take the chance and stay with him and follow the feelings of my heart. Please any constructive pieces of advice?
TogetherForever Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 VOI143, Here's an option you both can consider. Separate until his divorce is final & take that time to decide if you really are in love with him & vice versa & if you two really belong togther (forever). Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder (or not). Whatcha think? TF
whichwayisup Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 The last time he brought up the situation with his wife..he told me that she brought up starting the divorce . Since that time I've noticed he's stopped wearing his wedding band. Do you trust his word here? I mean, he could be very easily not wearing his ring and just telling you that she brought up divorce. I guess time will tell if his words match actions in the near future. I say, tell him goodbye, for now. When he is divorced THEN you two start dating. If you want a more honest relationship with him, then end it now and pick up later when he's a free man.
whichwayisup Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 How much is the age gap? Also, you're young and I assume you want kids one day? Does he want kids? Does he have children with his wife? If so, throw that into the mix, he MAY not want more... I hate to tell you this, as much as you love him, he's definately stringingly you along. Not in a malcious, cold hearted way, more of a self serving, selfish way.
Author voi143 Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 How much is the age gap? Also, you're young and I assume you want kids one day? Does he want kids? Does he have children with his wife? If so, throw that into the mix, he MAY not want more... I hate to tell you this, as much as you love him, he's definately stringingly you along. Not in a malcious, cold hearted way, more of a self serving, selfish way. I didn't want to bring up his age because it caused an issue in a previous post..but he is 50 and I am 22. He's old enough to be my dad but I really don't see it that way because numbe rone he does not look like his age and number two..i guess "age is nothing but a number". He has kids...but I'm not thinking about having kids with him because to be honest it's just not gonna happen in this lifetime. I just want him to be legally divorced so that I know for a fact he's not hurting his wife...I know its weird to say because I'm seeing him now..but its based on the fact that he told me they were already parting ways..his sister confirmed that in an indirect conversation I overheard one day. He's never made any promises to me about us permantly being together because we both know this is definetly not gonna last forever and I know plently of ppl that would be unhappy if they found out. I've tried dating other guys but its just not the same. I don't think he's really stringing me along..this is way too intense..even if all he wanted was just sex...if it were realistic i'd marry him this second. He's there for me all the time, I confide in him about everything, we make so much time for each other and i find myself trusting him more than my best friend..we are pretty honest to each other (to my knowledge). I know I should have fun while I'm young but I just don't know how to break this off...we've even talked about me dating other guys but he gets mad/upset and I just don't feel comfortable talking about it because I don't want to see anyone else, I'm happy with him and us....this is really hard because I think it just might be unhealthy but I can't stop it...its really tearing me up inside
whichwayisup Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 He's never made any promises to me about us permantly being together because we both know this is definetly not gonna last forever But, you expect him and want him to divorce his wife for you?? Will your parents approve of this relationship? Your friends? Your brothers, sisters? IF he does actually divorce his wife, and that's a big IF....Just something to think about. I know I should have fun while I'm young but I just don't know how to break this off...we've even talked about me dating other guys but he gets mad/upset and I just don't feel comfortable talking about it because I don't want to see anyone else, I'm happy with him and us....this is really hard because I think it just might be unhealthy but I can't stop it...its really tearing me up inside Yes, it is unhealthy...So much so, that when it ends you're going to need therapy. Your expectations, your trust in him, your whole outlook and putting this man on a pedistool, wow - Sorry but he is going to break your heart so badly...You haven't a clue what you've gotten yourself into. Just be prepared to face his wife one day...She doesn't know about you, but one day she'll find out. Are you ready to see her upclose and personal? Are you ready to face that there's a pretty good chance your MM has been lying to you, with NO intention of leaving his wife? DO not trust him fully, if you do, you'll suffer for it. I hope one day soon you wake up and realize you're wasting your time and youth with some old MM.
Author voi143 Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Thanks so much for the words of advice. I promised myself starting today there will be NC. I started thinking about certain situations...if he and his wife have an understanding..and are parting ways anyway...why does he always pay for everything in cash. I noticed he pays for cash everytime we go out and even on the vacations he has so much money in his wallet. Also I noticed after our vacation this weekend..after I got out of his car he made sure I had every little thing out of his car..even down to the soda I drank..and he brushed my hair off of the seat...and other stuff to make it seem as if I was never there....Yeah so I'm going to start dating someone else before he truly does hurt me. Thanks your words were more than a serious wakeup call because I deserve much more. thank you so much for helping me realize my self worth.
OWoman Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I noticed he pays for cash everytime we go out and even on the vacations he has so much money in his wallet. Also I noticed after our vacation this weekend..after I got out of his car he made sure I had every little thing out of his car..even down to the soda I drank..and he brushed my hair off of the seat...and other stuff to make it seem as if I was never there.... Ouch! That must really hurt! Sorry voi - it sounds like a really horrible awakening. Glad though that it happened before you got in any deeper. Take care of yourself.
whichwayisup Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Yeah so I'm going to start dating someone else before he truly does hurt me. Why date someone else right now? Just end it, go NC and heal. What is the point of getting involved with another guy? Your heart won't be into it yet, you won't have enough to emotionally give, let alone give the new guy a real chance...You'll be comparing him to the MM in everyway because your heart is STILL with the MM. I noticed he pays for cash everytime we go out and even on the vacations he has so much money in his wallet. Also I noticed after our vacation this weekend..after I got out of his car he made sure I had every little thing out of his car..even down to the soda I drank..and he brushed my hair off of the seat...and other stuff to make it seem as if I was never there.... Exactly. Which means he has no intention of leaving his wife... Bottomline, when someone wants OUT of a marriage, and is really unhappy, they just do it and get a divorce.
whichwayisup Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Thanks your words were more than a serious wakeup call because I deserve much more. thank you so much for helping me realize my self worth. You're welcome. You DO deserve so much more. It's just you won't get it from this MM. He can only offer you so much, and even what he is offering you isn't long term, let alone upfront, honest and real. Having a stolen moments, having to hide your relationship is not healthy and eventually ruins your self esteem. Heal yourself, take time for you - THEN when you're emotionally ready, the right available person will come into your life.
Jinnah Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Seems to me that if he is really getting a divorce, you would have nothing to hide. ?? Just a thought.
torranceshipman Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Good on you - you sound pretty sensible...didnt take you long to figure out what a waste this old guy was...some people dont realise this type of thing for years and find themselves being strung along by the MM for God knows how long....and good luck with the move-its the start of a new chapter so move forward, leave the old man to his baggage and lack of a backbone and go out and enjoy life and the very cute baggage-free young single guys that come with it!:D This is just one of many life lessons...feels like drama at the time but looks like youll come out smiling and wiser for it and ultimately thats a good thing!
Author voi143 Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 yea...I had to run from that situation. After posting that I set up a session with a therapist (which was the hardest thing to do..because now I had to admit there is a problem in my life) and I told him everything because there is no way I can talk about this with anyone else I know and I'm scared of rebounding and I do not want to take any chances. One of the things the therapist told me yesterday is maybe because I was drawn to the older man ( and my last boyfriend who was around 10 years older than me and we had a similar relationship except he was not married...but cheated on me so much that it was messing up my life) in the first place because of the dysfunctional relationship I have with my own father and I was always looking for that love and discipline. Which makes me think about that whole discussion about women who become strippers or whore themselves out don't have the proper father figure in their lives? Also that I just have other self issues that I have not dealt with that made it hard for me to realize at first why this whole situation was wrong. The MM already tried contacting me on my cell phone and via email and using material bribes so I can meet with him for dinner. I've since changed my cell and closed all the email address that he knew about. He actually came to my school today (to my last course this afternoon) and scared me to death. I said if he ever came near me, any of my friends my parents that I would call the cops and at that point I would not care if everybody in the world found out. After that I almost ran to my car because he scared me to death and kept trying to explain himself. Just when I started thinking about everything...he really wasn't divorcing his wife..like another poster stated.."why would he have to hide me so much". ..and honestly I feel dirty for being happy and content being this dudes geisha girl. Seriously I screamed for I don't know how long. But I mean in the the end it will all be worth it. thanks you guys.
lost4ever Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Good for you! Can I have the number to your therapist, mine isn't working all that well
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