says he feels tied down

[lexi29]

Long story so bear with me- my bf and I been dating on and off for the last 3 years. We've actually known each other for 6 years and started dating 3 years ago. I'm the one who intitated all the break ups because he was very controlling and didn't want me to have a life of my own. He was very jealous of my friends and wanted me to spend all of my free time with him. My bf has an eight year old son and until recently they lived with his parents. I did not like to hang at at my bf's place because his parents were always there and they did not like me coming over every day or staying late. So I would stop over maybe twice a week and the other times we would meet somewhere (he couldn't come to my house because my roommate does NOT like kids at the house and it is HER house that I live in. So my boyfriend and his son and I would go to the mall or to parks or out to eat. We would see eacohter maybe 3 or 4 days a week.

 

my boyfriend hated only seeing me a few days a week and would constantly bitch about me not seeing him enough. It drove me so crazy that I broke up with him. Even when we were not officially dating we were FWB and neither of us saw other people. We still cared about eachohter but I couldnt' handle his demanding attitude. He always told me that he would stop bitching and demanding and accusing me of stuff if I spent more time with him. But I had other interests and other friends I wanted to spend time with so I never gave in to him. Well recently after a lot of soul searching I decided to really work hard at our relationship and we got back together (officially) and I felt bad for how i treated him in the past so I vowed to do things differently this time. I've started doing alot of things with his son and I've spent the night with my boyfriend (somethign I never did before) and we have sex about 6 or 7 times a week while before it was maybe once a week if that) He and his son recently moved to an apartment so now it is just them there and I enjoy spending time there. My bf gave me my own key and encourages me to hang out there by myself if I get home from work before he does (I felt a little weird about that at first). I do have some stuff there- just clothes and movies and stuff like that)

 

One of the things my bf always was unhappy with in the past is that I never spent much time with him. well now I am happy to spend time with them. I see him almost every day after work (from 5pm to 9 or 10pm) and from about 1pm on saturdays to midnight) sometimes I stop over for a few hours on sunday. Two weeks ago my bf was talking about how he wants to ask me to marry him in the near future. That kind of scares me (i'm a little commitment phobic) but was exciting too because I really love him and his son. He has mentioned this several times since he got his own place. his son is so attached to me now and he always wants to see me. I thought things were going great. My bf was getting everything he always wanted in the past- me spending more time with him, more sex, me spending more time with his son. I've even cooked him dinner (somethign I never did before) and have been really nice trying to do sweet things for him. I'm trying to make an effort at this relationship because I was so lax about it before (we just got back together 2 months ago) My boyfriend has said several times that this is what he's always wanted.

 

well lately i'd been noticing that my bf seems cranky, grouchy around me and is making little snide comments (he acts like he is joking) about how we should just be FWB again. He would say he was joking but he kept this up for a week and even started complaining we're having too much sex and I'm wearing him out! well on friday I asked him if everything is ok and he said no that he feels tied down. he said he sees me all the time and doesn't miss me like he used to. Says he is tired of us being together but he doesn't know if he wants to break up because of his son adn how attached he is to me. He told me there is no one else (I asked) and that this is what he always thought he wanted but it just feels like too much and that he is irritated with little things I do (leave stuff lying around) and that while the sex is great and he's very attracted to me he thinks I'm a nympho and he doesn't have enough energy for me. He suggested that we only see eachtoehr maybe 3 days a week (what we were doing before that he complained about so much!!)

 

Its just so hard because I was trying to be the perfect girlfriend, doing everything he's always wanted and its not good enough!! I am so attached to his son now and I love my bf too and I've spent so much time with them recently that when I'm not around for a few days I miss them like crazy. The weird thing that I can not figure out is that my bf is still bugging me about spending the night. he wants to spend less time with me but wants me to spend the night. I told him I don't really want to spend the night (I get attached too much and used to it) until I know he wants to be with me and keep dating. He says he wants to be with me but needs more time to himself.

 

I'm just afraid he wants to use this time to meet someone else. On saturdays we always have plans (his son was at his mom's) and this sat. we were supposed to go out to eat. He met me by my house and I drove and on the way to lunch he said that he wanted to spend the rest of the day alone after lunch. I suggested that I only stop over for awhile and he said no that ever since he moved in he's always had his son or me around and just wanted to relax and have time to himself. I understand that but he had also told me he talked to his ex (from a long time ago) that morning so in the back of my mind I wondered if that had anythign to do with his decision. he said it didn't. So after lunch and stuff around 5pm he headed home and I did my own thing too. He called me that night and talked for 40 minutes and everything seemed fine.

 

I'm confused because when I was the one who enjoyed only seeing him 3 days a week he threw a fit and always wanted more. Now that I'm spending more time with him and doing what he's always wanted he's pushing me away? I just don't get it. What is going on?

[stillafool]

I would go ahead and give him his time. Don't give him sex. Something is up. Why would a guy who gets great sex with his gf want to back off? Hmmmmm, I wouldn't be surprised if his ex does have something to do with it. Just keep your eyes and ears open. Somethings fishy. Back off from him for a while and be unavailable.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm not certain if the ex might be the issue or if she's just a byproduct of his prevailing attitude.

 

I would also back off and give him the space he wants and more. If you get what you asked for and can't appreciate it, it's not always going to be there for your taking. Btw, I agree...no sex.

[jcster]

Good Lord! What a whiner!

 

Definitely give him LOTS of space. In fact, I'd take a week off if I were you. And, should you decide to come back - no more of that "perfect girlfriend" stuff. The guy's getting spoiled.

[Krytie TV]

You're right. He does want this time to try to find someone else. I think back to all of the relationships that I ended up breaking off and at the end of every single one I began acting cranky and irritable with her. It's definitely a pretty good sign.

 

What probably happened is that now that he's able to spend all of this time with you, he's realizing that he's maybe not as into you as he was for whatever reason. That doesn't mean it's your fault, but it is what it is. It sounds like you should give him his space because it's likely the beginning of the end.

[lexi29]

thanks for the replies. not what I wanted to hear but what I feared. I just dont' understand why he would have been talking about getting engaged two weeks ago and now he is pushing me away??? I get the feeling he would rather be FWB instead of hanging out with me all the time. its sort of as if he feels smothered and is being defiant. On friday (the day he told me he felt tied down) he came home from work and told me I could spend the night if I wanted but he was going out to the bar with his friend Tom. Even when we were just FWB he would always ASK before going out and make sure I was ok with it. Now its as though he's rubbing it in my face that he's not going to ask but going to TELL me what he's going to do no questions asked. It turned out he ended up not even going to the bar (he fell asleep before I left) he now acts like I'm the one trying to control him and I"m not at all- I was just doing what he always wanted and begged me to do- spend a lot of time with him and his son.

 

 

The question about the ex- yes it crosses my mind many times if he is wanting to replace me with her. Two weeks before we officially got back together he called her out of the blue- I'm talking an ex from 10 plus years ago. The week we got back together he met her for the first time in ten years and invited me to go with him. She seemed nice and not at all out to date him or anything. She was different then he remembered (she'd gained a lot of weight, has a kid now, etc) He promised me he'd never hang out with her unless I was around and he talks to her maybe once a week for a few minutes. they seem to be just friends. She will call him and talk for ten minutes and then get off the phone. Yes, I can verify this. Mostly they talk about their kids. She is totally not his type physically and she works two jobs and NEVER has any free time so she wouldn't be someone he could spend a lot of time with and she is in a bitter custody battle with her ex and seems really depressed a lot (she calls me too once in awhile). Yet my bf has made comments about how fun it was when they dated (yes, but that was almost 12 years ago, they were kids) and that she's a nice person which is true.

 

As for the sex thing- well we used to have sex maybe once every two months (actual intercourse- because I was afraid of a condom breaking) and we were just FWB so we did a lot of other stuff instead which we both enjoyed too. we did the "other stuff" maybe twice a week. the other factors in this were that he lived with his parents and also has his son ALL the time so we didn't have much alone time. Well now I started taking the pill so I'm not afraid of getting pregnant, he has his own place and his son made friends in the neighborhood and isn't always around. So now I"m wanting sex with him at least five times a week. Which is a big increase from what he's used to. So its not that he's turning me down, its just that he's saying Im wearing him out.

 

I just don't know what to do- I want to give him his space but over the last three years he's always complained about me NOT spending ENOUGH time with him. So I'm worried that if I back off and dont spend any time with him (to try to make him see what he's missing) he might meet someone else or hook up with his ex while I'm giving him space. If he wants someone else why doesnt' he just say so and end it with me, instead of talking about marriage just two weeks ago? Is this a case of the grass being greener on the other side or does he actually want some space (to be by himself)

[Krytie TV]

I just don't know what to do- I want to give him his space but over the last three years he's always complained about me NOT spending ENOUGH time with him. So I'm worried that if I back off and dont spend any time with him (to try to make him see what he's missing) he might meet someone else or hook up with his ex while I'm giving him space.

 

Anything less than backing off and letting him do his thing can be likened to begging. Would you beg someone to be with you? That's what clinging to him would be.

 

You spent more time with him and it helped him to see that maybe he wants something else. You need to not look at this as your deal. You don't make someone not want to be with you. That decision is theirs to make, not yours. Act so that when you look back on this time, you can be proud of how you handled it.

[Trialbyfire]

Why hang onto someone who doesn't appreciate what you have to offer? Cut the apron strings and let this little birdie fly free.

[lexi29]

Its hard to let go though I know you're probably right. I dearly love his little boy and my bf has wanted me to "come around" and spend more time with him for the last few years. I used to be sort of mean to him, blowing him off to do things with friends, not putting him first in my life, sort of keeping him guessing if I really do care about him. I never did these things to his son but with my bf it seemed the more he pushed me to spend time with him, the more I resisted. I am slightly commitment phobic by the way,

But now I don't understand when I"m finally doing everything he begged me to do he just blows it off or acts like its too much and I"m making him feel tied down. He says he doesn't want to date other people and i've offered that we can break up if he would like to try to play the field for awhile (hows that for understanding). I'm not controlling, I dont demand his time, I just show up every day (like he asked me to when he first moved in 2 months ago). When he asked for some time to himself I gave him that (didn't see him saturday or sunday.) Well yesterday I stopped over (he asked me to) and played with his son and kept my distance from my bf. I was pleasant enough but didnt' hug him or kiss him or engage him in any conversation. I basically just listened to what he had to say, made comments, and played with his son. My bf noticed this and kept asking what was wrong and was I mad at him. I just smiled, said nothing was wrong and continued playing games with his son. He tried to hug me and tried to kiss me but I didn't return the affection. He kept asking what was wrong.

 

Well he wanted distance and space and I told him this-that I was trying to give him this and he siad "but I haven't seen you ALL weekend!" (actually it was a day and a half since I saw him half a day on saturday) He talked about how he wanted me to come over again on wed. (we are skipping today so we dont' get sick of eachother). one thing that sort of bugs me is he called that ex (from many many years ago) on saturday morning (which he told me on sat.) and she was at work so he called her back again after he left from seeing me (around 6:30) and she was home from work. I know they talk about once a week because she is going thru a bad custody battle like the one my bf did. He did not erase these calls from his cell phone and let me see his phone when I asked. he also asked me if I can pick his son up from daycare after work because his parents have new work schedules. So me picking his son up would involve us seeing eachother almost every day again. (we were trying to stick to 4 days a week) and he is ok with that. He could have asked a number of other people (including his son's mom) to pick him up if he didn't want me around. So I am very confused. He also keeps asking me to spend the night with him. this doesn't mean sex because his son will be there so we aren't able to mess around (no doors on his bedroom)

 

I'm just so confused because if he wants to get rid of me or wants to be with someoen else why is he a) acting all needy and worried after we spend a day and a half apart (as he requested), b) asking me to become MORE involved in his son's life and asking me to do him a favor that will result in us spending MORE time together, c) asking me to spend the night even though that won't involve having sex?

[Krytie TV]

I think one problem is that people try way too hard to understand everything that happens in relationships and to know why why why.

 

Feelings are not rational and therefore people don't always act in ways that are rational. Not every action has an explanation that would satisfy you. You seem in need of hanging on to this relationship, but don't use his son as having anything to do with your feelings for him. Children are what people use to try to convince others they love them. For example, "Oh, but your son and I are so close..." That doesn't often matter to the person.

 

You will drive yourself crazy trying to get answers. The questions are best answered as "because that's what they want." It's the only one that makes sense. But, my guess is:

a) got me

b) well, um, you're doing him a favor that he doesn't have anyone else to do. Why wouldn't he ask you to do it if you will? You should say no, then you'll see where he stands in the relationship.

c) he wants companionship until he finds something else.

[Trialbyfire]

Don't forget that he sees your caring interaction with his little boy and probably wants this to continue, as well as companionship for himself.

 

These are insufficient reasons to remain together, IMO. You are neither the mother of this child or a convenience for him. Best to distance yourself from his little one and him, before you bond further.

[Krytie TV]

These are insufficient reasons to remain together, IMO. You are neither the mother of this child or a convenience for him. Best to distance yourself from his little one and him, before you bond further.

 

Good point. She's not doing the son any favors by engrossing herself in his life the way that she is. It will just make it harder for everyone in the end.

[lexi29]

Good point. She's not doing the son any favors by engrossing herself in his life the way that she is. It will just make it harder for everyone in the end.

 

 

Ok I have to respond to this- first of all I've known his son for six years, my bf and I have been dating on and off for 3 years. Even when we were "off" we were still friends, talked every day, I hung out with him and his son a few times a week. As far as me "engrossing herself in his life the way that she is" this is nothing new. Its not like all of a sudden I am doing so much more than I've done for his son in the past. The only changes have been that his son is now very emotionally attached to me since my bf got his own place because his son has seen me every single day for the last two months. So this is my bf's fault as well. Its not like I forced my way into his son's life or anything.

 

now an update- my bf called me last night and told me he doesn't want to date anymore. his suggestion is we just be friends (he'd like that with benefits as the way we were in the past but I'm not interested in that) because he said recently we've been fighting too much (which is true), that he feels the way I treat his new apartment is the way his son treats it- throws stuff everywhere and bf has to pick it up. I never realized how anal retentive he is with how everything should go in a certain place! I mean he is talking about how he got mad because I left a bag of dvds on his couch and not on the tv where they should be. also on Monday night we had a big fight when I stopped over because I was being honest with him and told him that another guy called me (this is a guy who had an interest in me last year) I told him we talked two days in a row but only for a few minutes. This upset my bf and he got mad. I tried to tell him I won't talk to the guy again but mostly I did this in retaliation of him talking with his ex.

 

The problem boils down to- it was just too much too soon. We went from me always blowing him off and only seeing him two to four times a week to me spending all of my free time with him almost 7 days a week. It was what he thought he wanted. He thought it would be a blast to see me that much and he did say we always have fun when were are together but lately we've been arguing too much and spending too much time together and he's not happy. After he told me all of this and I agreed with it and acted like I was fine ending things- no crying or begging or even asking him to reconsider- he said he feels he needs time to think things over some more (he said he made the decision because of our fight on Monday night and that he didnt' sleep that night and thought about it all day at work yesterday) My bf is the type of person who does things in the moment and doesn't really think them thru all the way all the time. So to me, its good he's taking some time to think about it. I can see why he wouldn't want to be with someone who is always around, bitching at him, not trusting him, being insecure, Which is the total opposite of how I used to be when we were friends/fwb. But then again he's sort of made me that way because before we started dating again, he called me ALL the time, every single day, was begging me to see him, always wanted to spend as much time as possible with me, would always ask me before going out with friends etc and this was when we were just FWB. so I expected all this to continue once we tried dating again. And when it was the reverse (probably because he was getting what he wanted nad didn't have to work at it and I was always around) and he wasn't putting in the effort he used to, i became scared and insecure and needy and that is so unattractive. I was also ALWAYS asking him if he was sure he wanted to keep dating and if he wanted to date other people (because I was confused by his actions) so I"m sure this is most of what drove him away. I dont know if I will wait around to see what the outcome of him taking some time to think about this will be. I dont want to go back to FWB because I can't do that. It was exactly like dating (we still had rules) wihtout the title of gf/bf and I"m just too old for that anymore. If he wants to not be together anymore then I can't be friends with him either. It would hurt too much to see him dating someone else. I know me not being around will hurt his son and that kills me but my bf needs to take most of the responsiblity for that because he's the one who encouraged me to get so close and do so much with his son and then he's pulling the rug out from under me all of a sudden and telling me hes not sure if this is what he wants instead of warning me ahead of time and giving me some time to detach from his son. Any thoughts?