6 mo. later, still a surreal experience

[tinke]

hello good people,

just need some insight on how to make sense of it all, closure of some sort. i have progressed in the 6 mo., however, i cannot seem to get passed the why and the unrealness of how it all happened. i am searching for some other's views on how to move on.

 

10 yr LTR, 3 yrs LD (family obligations). we visited often, our schedules were completely different, with mine much more hectic, consuming, due to increased obligations(ill family member).

 

i was unable to give undivided attention to S.O. due to the worry and the responsibilities i had with loved one and my own personal responsibilities. i had hoped he was mature enough to empathize.

 

long story short....my ex is conflict avoidant to the highest degree, and many things went unsaid as to not ruin our time together. there was talk of living together soon (with him), marriage, and so on. he sent me an e-mail that he wants out of the relationship....and that's it..no more.

 

he simply vanished...no reply to calls, letters, e-mails, etc. after 2 mo. he finally tells me that he is with someone and to be wed soon. (an aquiantance). she interrupted several times and i never did get the answers, closure i needed. spoke with him 1 more time, again very brief, due to her interrupting....he stated a couple superficial, nonsense reasons, and stated he is with someone else.

 

well, he has left and dated immediately in the past and that is one reason i hadn't married him sooner. i needed some reasurrance, security for a time period that when things got tough, he wouldn't avoid and run.

 

he was VERY cold and distant, a total stranger to me, no remorse, nothing! and NEVER any contact!

 

he could have easily sent another e-mail explaining, or left a message when i am working so he wouldn't have to talk directly to me...but...nothing! he has NEVER asked me not to call, just does not pick up! very strange!

 

anyhow, i was at the point when it was possible to move with him, and he vanished. i still cannot believe how someone can spend all those yrs. together and not feel you owe some kind of talk, something! how can someone just run and never again feel the need to at least owe an explanation?

 

and, ok, if you have a woman, why not give me the satisfaction of a talk with him. to me, she showed her insecurities with the interruptions. because, i, for one, would not get involved to quickly with anyone that just got out of a LTR, i would want to make sure they have their talk and he is sure to explain things. i would want to be sure he was sure..i would want them to talk, before i would build a relationship with him.

 

i just find myself stuck, because he was so attentive, and then became so very cold..childlike!

and who weds after a couple months??? no, i do not believe they were together before then, i talked with him often..and plus, he was gloating when he told me, so i am sure he would have thrown in if he was seeing her longer than the couple months he mentioned.

 

damn...who would hurt someone that way? is was unneccesary to have said things in that matter. he could have said..sorry, but....(whatever). not the childlike...nah nah, i'm getting married crap!

 

for the most part, i am moving forward, but this is one hurdle i am having trouble with. does anyone have any views, as an outsider to help me to move ahead? i know, we all get stuck sometimes on the good times, i want to see things differently...help...

[daphne]

She doesn't know that she's getting the raw end of the deal. She's getting a person that could be as cold to her as he was to you. He's a very selfish person. One that is good to you when he wants something, or is getting his needs met, but incapable of a real relationship (i.e. conflict avoidance and working on problems.) She's going to have to deal with it now. I would be curious as to why you put up with him after he behaved this way for so many years, and left you for someone once before and took him back. There are people out there that won't be so selfish in relationships.

 

I've seen a lot of this before, and you're lucky you didn't end up marrying him. I know, from personal experience, that this may not be what you want to hear, but he's not good relationship material.

[tinke]

thanks daphne..yes..that is what i want to hear!

[tinke]

it was a cycle...i believe he left before, because he wanted to get married...i needed security, surety, before i did, so ....i was waiting for him to be solid. in turn, he would leave, causing 1 step forward, 2 steps back. back to the old begining..and so on.

[oasis]

Oh Tinke, I am so sorry that you are going through such emotional turmoil. I know the ending of a relationship without closure, especially such a long one can be one of the most heart wrenching thing that one will ever have to go through.

 

You have commented on some of my threads that I have posted, regarding being dumped without even a phone call or text message. I was given nothing but dead silence - up to this day.

 

Al beit, my relationship was much shorter than yours, but his behavior was so cold at the end, that I have to keep reminding myself that a relationship did exist between us. It was hard to tell this by his cold and distant behavior.

 

It is disrespectful and selfish when someone dump you without an explanation. By doing so, they have erased the entire history of the relationship. That is even more hurtful than having them around.

 

Do not beat yourself up. 6 months is a short time to grieve for such a short relationship. Also marriage which occur in such a short time does not have a high survival factor.

 

And there is such a thing as karma.

 

Please try and ride this out as best as you can.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Oasis

[Zapbasket]

Big hug to you, Tinke dear

 

As you know, I'm battling a similar demon, asking all the same questions you are...and so I feel a little phony responding to your request for insight. The best I can give is my support, and understanding because I know at least somewhat the pain you're in.

 

Being left wondering is just the very worst thing. We may be adults but when someone abruptly breaks an attachment with no lead-up or explanation, it leaves us in the same position and mindset as a little toddler in a swirling crowd, stumbling around blindly and wailing, trying to find his mommy. Attachments to others are offshoots from our very tenderest places; to be abandoned like you were just strips you completely bare. You can't be too kind to yourself right now in dealing with this.

 

One thing seems clear to me in your situation, from the things you've said about his behavior in the past in your relationship--the constant breaking up and coming back. It sounds like you just hit a real limitation in him. It's intrinsic to HIM; it has nothing to do with you. One thing I realized we all tend to think is that for love to be real, it must also fulfill the fullest expression of love, i.e., the most mature kind of love. But that's not necessarily true, because we're all out there learning how to love. Just because we're still learning, and not "complete" as love-ers, doesn't mean that when we do love it isn't 100% sincere. I loved my partner fully, with utmost sincerity...yet if I were to have a second chance with him, or if I end up in a relationship with someone else, I'm going to be much better at loving and so it will appear that I will love that person "more."

 

I'm sure your partner loved you very much, and may still love you. But his love is flawed because from the sound of it he can't handle sustained intimacy, and all the mess (family illness, waning passion, periods of depression--all the things that plague our lives at some point) that it entails. It sounds like he's still mired in a fantasy of Ideal Love, love that never leaves him wanting, that never creates difficulty or discomfort for him. After 10 years, you can't supply him with Ideal Love. You supplied him with real love; you gave wholly of yourself. Meaning, you allowed yourself to be vulnerable, to stay with him while you endured a family illness. It's HE who missed the chance to deepen your bond by really standing by you while you went through this difficult time. Instead he pursued his phantom Ideal Love because he couldn't bear not to be the center of your attention at all times.

 

The coldness you're facing from him, I am certain, has much more to do with his limitations as a loving person than it has to do with anything you did or did not do.

 

Still, I know it's shattering, Tinke. Nothing can assuage the hurt. Maybe time will but I cannot say for certain since I'm starting this journey at about the same time you are! I hope we're both still posting here long enough to reminisce about how we felt at this point after the breakup and see where we are in a year. The hurt still will be there, but there will be, I want so badly to believe, whole beds of wisdom rosebuds that have sprung up in the rich soil of our pain. (That was a bit of an over-the-top way to put it ...but I'm sincere!)

 

Hang in there. In your case it's very clear to me that this is all HIS loss, and you'll rise up from this and maybe even be grateful that he freed you of the continuing drama of breaking up and coming back, breaking up and coming back.

 

Hang in there, Tinke.

[daphne]

oasis is right. The one thing you can be sure of, is that while he may have found someone else, he'll never be in a fulfilling relationship because he's only busy worrying abuot what he can get. He's not going to put himself into one with her anymore than he did with you. You know better, so your chances of being truly happy are higher. So grieve, get it out, move on and find someone to create that joy with. Or hell, do it by yourself until someone else comes along. Life is really short. Let him be your lesson that it's up to you to make the best of yours

[AriaIncognito]

I understand how you feel tinke. My ex seems similar, at least to what other commenters were saying with the always leaving and coming back, and the fact that they aren't marriage/relationship material because their type of "love" is flawed. They are very right. We need someone who will stick around, someone who isn't blind to the reality that love isn't always perfect and love takes effort and constant nurturing.

 

Hopefully, we'll find that soon. Our exes, they will probably constantly be unhappy in search of that perfection which doesn't exist in reality.

[tinke]

thank you daphne, oasis, and my dear friend..greencove.

your words mean more than i can express, thank you for the replies.

 

sometimes, i know i need to hear another's view to see things clearly.

 

greencove, yes he was in love with the idea of "perfect love", as soon as conflict arose, he ran. always, blaming me! he believed one should not have to work in a relationship...it should just happen. i've always believed that one must cherish and protect and INCLUDE the other at all times for a relationship to flourish.

 

still in all, it is very sad.

 

thank you all for helping me to see this in a different light. as my mind wanders, i can think of these words.

 

G.C., i haven't forgotten about getting back to you...as you can see, i hit a low spell.

some wknds. are simply awful..............take care of yourself!

[tinke]

funny thing is, ariawoman, foolishly, i really believed we were on a good stretch this time.

he hung in there with me during some tough moody times, we had a good length of time going, and suddenly, he ran........again!

 

never, did i expect this. i was so pleased and relaxed that finally, i believed we had reached a mature love. one in which, you realize it won't always be rosey, one won't always be the center of attention, etc. i know he felt neglected, and for some part, he was. but, i had much bigger worries, demands, etc. i just expected he would be mature enough to handle this distance for awhile.

 

how very sad...

 

i truly don't think of her, never did. i just find it very rude and insecure where my ex and i couldn't share a 5 min. conversation without her butting in. my God, this was 10 plus yrs., i deserved 5 min. i do believe his pattern will continue to repeat.

 

i had come to realize just how egocentric he is. still in all, i cannot phathom treating anyone so coldly, without any form of discussion, etc. and then after months, finally talk briefly and act very non-chalant...taking no responsibility.

 

just to spare my ex, i would have at least left a voice mail in RE; to the break-up, apologies, reason, etc. but....... nothing!

 

thank you for the reply!

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

still in all, i cannot phantom treating anyone so coldly, without any form of discussion, etc. and then after months, finally talk briefly and act very non-chalant...taking no responsibility.

 

It's guilt that is stopping him from discussing it, behaving like it's perfectly normal for him to have forgotten everything, and acting all immersed in his upcoming marriage. He knows what he's done, and he knows it has left you hurting. He knows you have the right to take him to task for it. He just doesn't want to face the fact that what he did was wrong, and so he will avoid all potentially confrontational situations.

 

I'd ask you to treat this as another affirmation of how incapable he is in dealing with real issues.

 

And, try not to expect anything from him. No "understanding", no admittance of his fault, no formally polite and appropriate behavior. I know, it takes a lot to not expect at least this much from someone who was once close to you. But it has to be done. Realize that expecting from him is the express way to disappointment. Don't set yourself up for it.

 

Get away from him in every way you can - he is not going to be able to provide you any closure. Treat this as a blessing in disguise - the less you see/hear from him, the more of an opportunity you'll have to move on.

[tinke]

thanks T.T.S.P. it is truly sad that a man of mature age can be so cowardly and disrespectful.

thank you for your supportive words.

 

this wknd. had been a drainer for me.......too much thinking, re-playing, etc. they aren't all like that, for some reason, i couldn't shake the thought of him.

 

exhausted....goodnight all.

[h2ofrek]

Tinke,

I have only received advice and am not really sure if I am in a position to give advice, but I have to wonder if, in the very long run, something happened to your health, would you trust that he would be there to support and nurture you as you would have surely done for him?

 

From what I have read, it does not sound like the basic foundation of trust and unconditional love is something that he possesses.

 

I only recognize this for it is something that I am coming to grips with myself and I kind of get the same vibe from him as I had for my sick self not too long ago.

 

You have put some really inspirational feelings out there and I am grateful your presence here.

 

Peace be with you, gentle soul.

[Rayofsunshine]

Tinke,

 

I understand what you are going through. I was in a 10yr LTR that ended in June. My exbf did/is doing the same thing to me, we broke up and then he vanished. That has been the hardest part for me I think with this break up. I just can't understand how after 10yrs he can just walk away and not look back. It was as if we never were together! My ex is also conflict avoidant and ran away once before when things got too much for him.

It has been hard for me because I am simply not a person that can switch my emotions off.

 

I agree with what the OP have said in this thread. It is their own guilt that makes them act this way. The only thing that we are guilty of was our love for them. They know that they have hurt us and as my friend has said to me, we are their conscience, we are on their minds and it makes them mad. This is why they can't deal with the breakup in a normal manner and just discuss things and give that final closure to us. They can't even give that closure to themselves because of how they act.

 

My relationship ended due to the financial burdon of our house, etc. To me this is not a reason to simply vanish from the relationship/break up. It was him doing what he always does when the going gets tough - runs.

 

I have simply come to the terms of the relationship ending by realizing, in my mind, that while I'm not an angel and have done my fair share of things in the relationship, it was simply him running as usual when the going got tough. He is also very bitter, cold and short with me when we have had to talk about joint things. He has never contacted me about anything other than these things and the conversations were always 5 - 10 mins.

 

This thought has helped me through the hard times and belive me there have been hard times, especially dealing with this pick up and run attitude he has. It has given me a form of my own closure because I know I will never receive it from him. We deserve better than this!

[Spinderella]

I havent read all of the responses, but it sounds like the guy just wants to get married. Maybe he's a male version of "Muriel".

In any case, sounds like he has a few problems, and at least theyre not your problems now.

[tinke]

thank you all for your replies. when my mind begins to drift, i replay some of your kind words. when i think back, i do realize that i felt i couldn't trust him with my emotions.

he seldom showed any remorse for hurtful actions, and always seemed to place blame on me, alone.

 

still, i find it a very sad situation. i am in disbelief at the way he so casually ended it. then to top it off, didn't even try to soften the fact that he was already with another.

 

i just need to hear your thoughts so i can continue to see things realistically....

please keep them coming.

[tinke]

my goal is to reach the state of indifference. as i force myself to focus on the negatives, i feel myself s-l-o-w-l-y treading that path!

[AriaIncognito]

my goal is to reach the state of indifference. as i force myself to focus on the negatives, i feel myself s-l-o-w-l-y treading that path!

 

Indifference would be very welcomed. I understand where you're coming from on that :-)

[Zapbasket]

Hi Tinke...

 

How're you doing?

 

Here's a thought for you--and know that since it's coming from one who herself struggles similarly, I'm not trying to talk you out of your feelings of regret, shock, betrayal, and sadness. You wouldn't be human if you could just shut the pain off and forget about it all! And: you can't force indifference. Maybe indifference really isn't desirable, anyway...since how can you reconcile that feeling with the knowledge that you thought enough of this person and your relationship at one time to devote 10 whole years to it? For me, I don't think I"ll EVER be indifferent. That might make my healing take "longer" than it "should"...but it also enables me to hold onto a sense of self-respect and joy for having invested the time that I did.

 

So here's my thought; it's something I'm trying with increasingly greater success:

 

Try thinking about what else you might be mourning, besides the loss of this person who was very dear to you for a significant portion of your life. What are you holding onto about the relationship that made you feel good, and feel like you were really *alive* inside the relationship? For me, one thing is my partner's closeness to his family, and how loving, reliable, and supportive his family was. In a more general sense, it is his STABILITY that I mourn the loss of. But over the weekend I realized that just because I lost HIM doesn't mean I have to lose that sense of stability. The grief I feel about that aspect of my loss is, if I look at it through a different lens, my inner self telling me that what is important to me as I continue down the trajectory of my adult life is FAMILY, connection, financial stability, and the integrity of fulfilling obligations consistently and with a level mind. This is a HUGE discovery for me, that has been in progress for the last several years, and somehow this breakup has made me realize yet more poignantly and with greater clarity how important these things are to me. The grief I'm feeling is a beacon, a catalyst, for me to effect the changes in my life that were slowly brewing over the past several years. I feel on the cusp of achieving a huge priority shift, wherein I relinquish some of my bohemian idealism for some of the stability that I crave. I DO have the power to achieve this all on my own, and not THROUGH someone else...and how do I know that? Because the weight of my grief is telling me that! The energy bound up in my grief is the energy that is pulling at me to make these changes.

 

Obviously it is easier to say all this than to just switch over upon this discovery. I grapple with this every day, as I have been grappling with it for years. But I think having lost something very, very dear to me might end up empowering me to understand that these attributes I admired in him, can become my own attributes...and probably already are, since we tend to admire in others what we carry the seeds of in ourselves.

 

Does this strike a chord in you?

 

Either way...just food for thought. I'm thinking of you; hope today is a little brighter (weekends are always hardest, aren't they?).

 

:bunny:Greencove

[tinke]

greencove, thanks for your thoughts.

 

i have to say...after our long "talks" in the past, i began to see things differently. i felt more at ease of acceptance and trying to make an attempt at moving on.

 

still the way it ended always haunted me, making it difficult to come to terms...because, I did not understand the terms! he simply ran!

 

from what i gather from your threads, as you, i like concrete form of communication. he did not provide this as he was conflict-avoidant. so, it was the ending that kept me from acceptance. how can someone demonstrate love, etc., and suddenly flee?

it was senseless.

 

but...after my last wknd. of mourning and my current post, i can feel myself heading into a different "feeling". you good people have helped me see things in a different light, or rather, i was also at the point where i was willing to LISTEN.

 

i behaved the way i did, because of his actions. i did not marrry sooner, fully give of myself, simply because i did not trust him with my emotions. ( being as he left before, unexpectedly.) i learned i was resentful of his very lax schedule, whereas mine was very turbulent. he should have been there (with me) to assisit. he should have been there for alot of things. i would have reacted diffferently if he had shown more concern for my well-being, safety, etc. (LDR). i've discovered i had tolerated alot of his "push and pull" behavior..leading to confusion. unsurprisingly, his sudden departure, left more confusion.

 

but, the posters are correct, he did flee with any sign of discomfort, conflict. i can see him asking for a divorce at the first sign of discontent. i have come to..it is what it is. he chose to run, again..only this time, highly disregarding me in the process. what kind of person doesn't even discuss this departure after 10 plus yrs? a coward, an immature man! i am not saying i am cured by any means, i would expect low times. but, i do feel less love for him....something new for me.

 

i have always believed i was too independent to suit him. instead of being proud of my self-reliance, i believe he may have resented it. i am proud of the person i am (for the most part) and look at a relationship as 50/50. i believe he felt he needed to be "in charge". although, it never happened.

 

i do want to feel indifference to his life, etc. i will probably carry the pain of this for awhile, but i do not want to be consumed with him. to let go of him without caring of his current actions, allows me to care about me and my life...if that makes sense.

 

what did i get out of the relationship/what am i holding onto?

balance! he was my balance! he liked leisure, rest, etc. and because of his lax schedule, for the most part...was carefree. i had asked myself that same question earlier...what do i miss? but, on the other hand, since i didn't think we would ever go down this road again...i don't miss going through this agony when he decides to leave.

 

my view of a solid relationship is trust and security and a definate comfort in their company...i had the comfort! (laughs, good times).

 

6 mo ago, i would have welcomed him back. my thoughts are changing as i process through the pain, hurt.

he truly hurt me, and honestly, i cannot begin to imagine going through this again.

 

he, as yours, did not reply to any letters, etc. i just don't see any reason for the coldness. as i've said before, leave a message on ans. machine, something!!!!

this was a LTR!!!!

 

anyhow, i hope to continue thinking this way...i'm sure i'll need a tune-up along the way.

as much as i miss the way we were, i am also becoming exhausted from the whole thing.

 

the answer is...i will not be granted with the answers. i just have to look at what he demonstrated to me in the end.

 

greencove, thanks so much for your supportive words, concern. i'm glad i can count on you for some reality! always good to hear from you!

 

do take care!

[Zapbasket]

Hey Tinke,

 

How are you doing? Just checking up on you....

 

~GC

[AriaIncognito]

It's guilt that is stopping him from discussing it, behaving like it's perfectly normal for him to have forgotten everything, and acting all immersed in his upcoming marriage. He knows what he's done, and he knows it has left you hurting. He knows you have the right to take him to task for it. He just doesn't want to face the fact that what he did was wrong, and so he will avoid all potentially confrontational situations.

 

I'd ask you to treat this as another affirmation of how incapable he is in dealing with real issues.

 

And, try not to expect anything from him. No "understanding", no admittance of his fault, no formally polite and appropriate behavior. I know, it takes a lot to not expect at least this much from someone who was once close to you. But it has to be done. Realize that expecting from him is the express way to disappointment. Don't set yourself up for it.

 

Get away from him in every way you can - he is not going to be able to provide you any closure. Treat this as a blessing in disguise - the less you see/hear from him, the more of an opportunity you'll have to move on.

 

Holy crap TTSP. That post COULD NOT BE any more DEAD ON. That could be part of the definition to display under my ex's picture. He'd even admit within the relationship that guilt kept him from doing things like that so he'd just walk. I'm 100000% positive that dealing with that guilt is exactly why I've heard nothing from him in over 4 months. He was always very happy to talk to other exes I know as I saw him get calls from them and he told me about it. So obviously something with me was different. He had more guilt because for once he realized what a mess he created and didn't want to deal with the aftermath, so instead he moved onto the next girl.

 

it's sad but she'll eventually suffer the same fate I assume, unless the fact that she was jewish was the only factor that mattered to him in a relationship. And if that's the case, well then that's just sad. It should be able the sum of the package, not one part.

[tinke]

thank you all for your replies, this forum is a Godsend!

 

greencove, thanks for your concern.

i am feeling a shift in attitude...i do not think of him constantly, do not awaken from dreams about him any longer, do not feel the intense hurt, nor do i badger myself with blame.

 

i am becoming accustomed to his absence, and beginning to feel disgust! disgust for the way he treated me in the end, disgust for his non-chalant disrespect for me and the relationship. i am recognizing his immaturity with adult, real issues (avoidant), and detest his solution of constantly running.

 

in short, istead of focusing on what i lost with him, i am noticing my own value, and what he lost with me. it is a revitalizing experience! there are moments i still grieve what could have been....but, they are now moments....not days, hours.

 

i know in my heart, no matter the situation, never would i have been so cold, heartless, as he, in the end. i deserved more than his avoidance! anyone would!

 

in part, i do feel some sorrow for him...i truly loved that man, for many years. how someone can mistreat another's emotions so crudely is beyond me. but, i do not believe he will ever find that "perfect" love, a love one NEVER has to nurture, one that exists without work (as he envisions).

 

i cannot say i am completely over him, but, i am embracing this shift in emotions. i believe it may be the acceptance phase.

 

i find myself thinking of me now, much more than him.

 

greencove, hope you are doing well. take care