spookie Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 I'm a poor college student. I don't qualify for financial aid because my parents make too much money, but they aren't willing to fork over very much to cover my expenses. So, I am constantly broke. I've been living far below the poverty line in terms of my expenses for the past 3.5 years. I'm good at it; my rent is cheap, I bike everywhere instead of driving, I don't go to movies, and my diet consists exclusively of eggs, canned tuna, and vitamin c. I have a part-time job that doesn't pay enough because with school and actuarial exams I don't have enough time to work enough hours, and I subsidize my rent sometimes by selling plasma. The school that I go to, though, has tons of kids from obviously wealthy families. They drive expensive cars, own expensive toys, eat at expensive restaurants. They spend in one meal more than I would spend in half a month - literally. Well, I am dating such a kid, and I'm wondering how to handle hanging out with him and his friends. It's kind of awkward when they order 2 ten-dollar drinks and a 14-dollar meal while I munch on the complimentary chips and salsa. I don't let it bother me because I think if someone can't understand that not everyone has an upper-middle class lifestyle subsidized by their parents, they're a moron, but I would like some tips from other people in similar situations. Should I just not go out with them unless it's free? Is it ok to go and not spend money, like I've been doing, or is that tacky?
Star Gazer Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 I'd suggest getting some student loans to get you through school more comfortably. It's incredibly difficult to get through school (at least while getting A's) if you're truly living below the poverty line. You can get them so that you don't have to start repayment until 6 months after you graduate. As for your dating situation, what you're doing is fine so long as YOU are comfortable with it. But why isn't he offering to pay for you at times? Is he seriously chowing down and chugging pricey booze while you munch on free chips?
amaysngrace Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Does he know of your financial status? If so, why isn't he paying for you?
Star Gazer Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 I don't let it bother me because I think if someone can't understand that not everyone has an upper-middle class lifestyle subsidized by their parents, they're a moron, but I would like some tips from other people in similar situations. As a side note, it obviously does bother you, Spookie...and keep in mind that many people who are able to afford $14 meals are able to do so WITHOUT any help from their parents. I did. In fact, I did without having to take out student loans in undergrad, and I was full-full time. So I guess I might be one of those morons you speak of for having thought that another student should be able to do the same if they put their mind to it.
Author spookie Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 I'm uncomfortable with letting him pay. I'm literally in a situation where I can't afford ANYTHING (today, my bank account is depleted and I have exactly 2 one-dollar bills I'm saving to fuel my car so I can make it to the plasma donation agency after I get over my flu) so it isn't like I can let him pay for more expensive dates and pick up the tab on the cheaper ones. I can't afford even that. I'm secure enough in my self to not let the situation bother me, but I feel like it's awkward for the other people we're I'm going out with. I don't feel like explaining my finances to them like I've explained to my friends because the mixture of awkwardness and pity isn't something I want to deal with, but I get the sense that they it's weird that I always say I'm not hungry, only to chow down 2 cans of tuna straight an hour later.
Author spookie Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 As a side note, it obviously does bother you, Spookie...and keep in mind that many people who are able to afford $14 meals are able to do so WITHOUT any help from their parents. I did. In fact, I did without having to take out student loans in undergrad, and I was full-full time. So I guess I might be one of those morons you speak of for having thought that another student should be able to do the same if they put their mind to it. How did you do that? I know for a fact that none of these people have ever held a job in their lives.
amaysngrace Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 I would mention it casually or else they're going to start thinking you're weird. It's not really all that great to keep secrets especially when you're not doing anything you should be ashamed of. This guy you're dating may actually admire what you're putting yourself through to try to get by and he may care about you enough to see that you get proper nutrition. But if you keep telling lies by keeping secrets he surely won't find anything admirable about that. I would give him the benefit of the doubt and share your position with him. It's okay to open up and let people you're seeing have a better understanding of yourself. If you aren't willing to do that then why are you bothering to get to know him at all?
Star Gazer Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 How did you do that? In undergrad, none of my friends came from well-to-do families. We were all middle to lower-middle class, without any assistance from our parents. We had to get by all on our own. How did we do it? We went to school full-time during the weekdays, and worked nights. First I worked retail, later I waited tables and then bartended. Sure, I couldn't have everything I wanted, but I lived comfortably and even managed a big vacation every year. You just have make a balance between school and work, and prioritize where your money goes. If you don't already have a roommate, get one to split costs as well.
Author spookie Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 I would mention it casually or else they're going to start thinking you're weird. It's not really all that great to keep secrets especially when you're not doing anything you should be ashamed of. This guy you're dating may actually admire what you're putting yourself through to try to get by and he may care about you enough to see that you get proper nutrition. But if you keep telling lies by keeping secrets he surely won't find anything admirable about that. I would give him the benefit of the doubt and share your position with him. It's okay to open up and let people you're seeing have a better understanding of yourself. If you aren't willing to do that then why are you bothering to get to know him at all? You're totally right. I have thought this before but I seem to rely on the same f-ed thought process when it comes to relationships. Man I have issues. My ex always brought up the fact that I didn't open up to him at all, that I wasn't myself and lied compulsively about things htat might give me "away", but through the whoel relationship I didn't even entertain the notion that I COULD let him know who I was because it seemed clear to me that if he found out, he would leave me. And I'm doing the same thing here. Thanks for calling me out on it. I think my behavior is rooted deeply in 2 things. First, my relationship with my parents is based on lies; my parents are hard-core about who they want us to be, and all my siblings and I just tell them what they want to hear. And second, I have no faith that someone will love me for who I am, so I become instead someone I DO believe is capable of being loved.
amaysngrace Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 I think my behavior is rooted deeply in 2 things. First, my relationship with my parents is based on lies; my parents are hard-core about who they want us to be, and all my siblings and I just tell them what they want to hear. And second, I have no faith that someone will love me for who I am, so I become instead someone I DO believe is capable of being loved. Well I am a big believer that in order for us to gain acceptance from others we first need to accept ourselves. You are doing more than okay. If you keep on getting your education, struggling by to make ends meet, and are relying mostly only on yourself to get yourself a better life then there is absolutely no shame in that. You should be very proud of what you're accomplishing actually. I would be. Your situation is for now. It isn't forever. And if you do what StarGazer suggests you may be even more proud of what you're doing. You are surviving. You're surviving your past and you're surviving your present. And there is absolutely no shame in that.
Replicant Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 I'm a poor college student. I don't qualify for financial aid because my parents make too much money, but they aren't willing to fork over very much to cover my expenses. So, I am constantly broke. I've been living far below the poverty line in terms of my expenses for the past 3.5 years. I'm good at it; my rent is cheap, I bike everywhere instead of driving, I don't go to movies, and my diet consists exclusively of eggs, canned tuna, and vitamin c. I have a part-time job that doesn't pay enough because with school and actuarial exams I don't have enough time to work enough hours, and I subsidize my rent sometimes by selling plasma. The school that I go to, though, has tons of kids from obviously wealthy families. They drive expensive cars, own expensive toys, eat at expensive restaurants. They spend in one meal more than I would spend in half a month - literally. Well, I am dating such a kid, and I'm wondering how to handle hanging out with him and his friends. It's kind of awkward when they order 2 ten-dollar drinks and a 14-dollar meal while I munch on the complimentary chips and salsa. I don't let it bother me because I think if someone can't understand that not everyone has an upper-middle class lifestyle subsidized by their parents, they're a moron, but I would like some tips from other people in similar situations. Should I just not go out with them unless it's free? Is it ok to go and not spend money, like I've been doing, or is that tacky? No, i don't think it's tacky to not spend money especially considering you are a student and your situation. Where as they are likely blowing loads of it because it's provided to them by their parents and they don't have to work to attain things to the same level that you do. The situation of going out with them or not would be something left to you to decide, surely their priorities and social activities are different than yours and that will hinge upon $$$. If your boyfriend can accept this and the others can accept it then there is no problem. If you are made to feel below them or uncomfortable then don't put up with that sort of crap plain and simple. "I have no faith that someone will love me for who I am" Now do you think you will gain more respect being a fake anywhere in society? Just like the whole issue of money, be yourself... people should respect you for that alone. If they cannot, are they really worth making such an elaborate act up for after all?
Author spookie Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 "I have no faith that someone will love me for who I am" Now do you think you will gain more respect being a fake anywhere in society? Just like the whole issue of money, be yourself... people should respect you for that alone. If they cannot, are they really worth making such an elaborate act up for after all? It isn't even an issue of respect. To be honest I do like myself a lot and I feel respected when I'm being myself. I just don't feel anyone will fall in love with me as I am. With people I view as only friends, I am very me. With guys I'm interested in, I fake some things. But, these are different issues altogether.
AriaIncognito Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 In undergrad, none of my friends came from well-to-do families. We were all middle to lower-middle class, without any assistance from our parents. We had to get by all on our own. How did we do it? We went to school full-time during the weekdays, and worked nights. First I worked retail, later I waited tables and then bartended. Sure, I couldn't have everything I wanted, but I lived comfortably and even managed a big vacation every year. You just have make a balance between school and work, and prioritize where your money goes. If you don't already have a roommate, get one to split costs as well. I'm with SG on this one. I came from middle class, my parents didn't pay for my schooling. I took out stafford loans which I finally paid off a year or so ago, after graduating in 1996. I worked 2 jobs on campus during the school year and over summers i took full time positions in order to pay for things. It sounds like you should really look into getting loans of some sort. My parents made too much so I didn't qualify for any "aid" either. I don't think stafford loans care about the family income since they approved me with my parents making over 100 combined. Doesn't sound like what you're doing is very healthy for you. I'd be very careful.
Author spookie Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 I'm with SG on this one. I came from middle class, my parents didn't pay for my schooling. I took out stafford loans which I finally paid off a year or so ago, after graduating in 1996. I worked 2 jobs on campus during the school year and over summers i took full time positions in order to pay for things. It sounds like you should really look into getting loans of some sort. My parents made too much so I didn't qualify for any "aid" either. I don't think stafford loans care about the family income since they approved me with my parents making over 100 combined. Doesn't sound like what you're doing is very healthy for you. I'd be very careful. Well my problem with the loans is that my parents won't cosign with me. They are under the impression that if I curbed my spending more I'd be able to get by on what they give + what I make. Which is what I've been successfully doing... but it's very stressful at times. This is my last semester and with any luck I'll be able to land an actuarial job upon graduation. I'm reallllly looking forward to not being poor.
allina Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Well my problem with the loans is that my parents won't cosign with me. They are under the impression that if I curbed my spending more I'd be able to get by on what they give + what I make. Which is what I've been successfully doing... but it's very stressful at times. This is my last semester and with any luck I'll be able to land an actuarial job upon graduation. I'm reallllly looking forward to not being poor. I would suggest getting a loan on your own, without their cosigning. Since this is your last semester you won't have to borrow too much and you'll be able to enjoy your last semester more. In college my parents payed for everything but I was living on a reasonable student budget. I had friends who had tons of money and some that were in your situation. We always understood that we all came from different financial backgrounds and it wasn't an issue. Talk to the guy you're seeing. You don't owe him a detailed explanation but you can tell him that you're a student putting yourself through school. If he isn't understanding he's not worth seeing anyways.
Krytie TV Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 I disagree with everyone Spookie. Do not take out loans if you don't need to. Good for you for scraping by. This is your last semester and it would be silly to get a loan after what I presume has been 3.5 years. Keep it up. I went through a relationship like this, except I'm not a student, I'm just poor. It can be frustrating and sometimes actually repulsive to watch others spend money in a way that you can't even imagine. Just do what you're doing. If it gets mentioned by someone, be honest and tell him what's up. If he likes you, this really won't matter and he'll have no problem waiting 6 more months for you to get more money. Loans suck... don't do it. ESPECIALLY FOR A BOY!!!
Replicant Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 It isn't even an issue of respect. To be honest I do like myself a lot and I feel respected when I'm being myself. I just don't feel anyone will fall in love with me as I am. With people I view as only friends, I am very me. With guys I'm interested in, I fake some things. But, these are different issues altogether. I think that is a very heavy conviction to put on yourself though. Being yourself shouldn't be like an on/off switch depending on the company you are with. It sort of co-relates to what you asked about money, if the ivy league crowd would accept 'you' if you obviously had little to no money.. and reasons for why that is acceptable to them or would they find it tacky?
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