marsbars Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 I will try to keep it short and to the point. My wife of 12 years walked out and filed for divorce with absolutely no warning. At least no warning that was obvious to me. Things got really nasty in the beginning with a horrible custody/visitation battle that ended up in court. She walked out thinking that she would take our daughter and I wouldn't bat an eyelid. Taking away my burdens she called it. However she was sorely mistaken. I fought her to the death about our daughter. I won a small battle in the courts. It didn't feel good but it was necessary. From the moment she dropped her H bomb I have not wanted it. I have told her that over and over again. After the day in court she has been bitter over my victory and has tried to blackmail me with more support and more court to get me to give up some time with my daughter. Yet I still don't want a divorce, I still love her and want to fix our problems. I can live with the whole thing if we try and fail. But not trying is worse in my mind. So I wrote her a letter after 2 months of separation. Begging her to look into her heart etc. give things a second try. One of her problems was my relationship with our daughter. I was not involved to her liking, yelled to much, appeared to not give a crap. But that is not the case. Or it isn't now. I have seen the light and have turned my father daughter relationship 180. I think that she is seeing that. We have a lot of other issues but they all stem from the pressures of debt and money. I will admit that I am greedy, and therefore controlling of the money. But we are also deeply in debt and if someone doesn't put a kibosh on spending the ship sinks. Well anyway after reading my letter, seeing my change with our daughter she has agreed to give me a month to prove to her that things can start to change. The month corresponds to when our divorce should be complete in a perfect world. She has started individual therapy and i have scheduled some for myself. She has agreed to couples therapy also. I gave her 2 months, fought with her like mortal enemies, but I cry every-time I see her. Now she thinks that there might be a chance. The problem I have is I am the type of person that wants to get things moving, and she is the opposite. And the more that I push her the more she won't budge. So I am staying back. But I have a month in her mind and that will fly by. Should I push a little. I know that there are issues with both of us that need to be addressed, but they can be fixed. Like they say one step at a time. But at the same time I feel that I am being played. Probably just paranoia but it is there. I want nothing more than to get things back together better than they ever were. I would tattoo a reminder on my arms to make sure that I don't fall into old habits if that is necessary. I don't think that either of us really wants to be apart. Just need some advice as to how to proceed. We both suffer from depression and both of us are going on antidepressants. I think that could be a great start to fixing ourselves and US.
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Is she seeing someone else? Something has pushed her to just decide out of the blue that she wants a divorce. Or maybe it's the depression...Did you two seek therapy for the depression, and marriage counselling? How bad is the depression? I mean, it could be that you two just stopped meeting eachother's needs, in and out of the bedroom. More living together as roommates rather than husband and wife, as lovers. Honestly, I must say, I can't believe she thought she could just take away your daughter and think that you would just let her go, no questions asked. To me, that screams selfish and not even considering your feelings, let alone you being the father! I suggest you two go to marriage counselling, and then take it from there. This marriage CAN work if both of you are willing to put in the effort. I just really hope there is noone on the side she is involved with....
Author marsbars Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 I really don't think that she is seeing someone else. I think that it is depression more than anything for both of us. Her more so than me. Finances are my problem. We are both seeking antidepressants and counseling both individual and couples. Your roommates analogy is about spot on. I just have a problem that I want to work on it right now and she feels like we need to take our time. I fear that not getting right to the point will cause her to drift. She is the type that bottles everything up till it can't hold anymore. This was planned as far as a year out. The stressors of life just pushed her to the edge. We didn't communicate. And even if there is someone she is involved with I can forgive. Or at least I think that I can forgive.
PWSX3 Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Something to maybe keep in mind, us guys are fixers, we want to fix things when they are broken but woman don't think that way & there are some things us guys just can't fix. Something I am also learning is people move at different speeds, you sound a little like me. When something needs done you do it, you don't wait around but your W is a little slower such as my W, they do things at there speed & sometimes we think they are to slow but you have to give them the time they need. On a side note I'm still waiting for mine. :laugh: It does take both sides to make things work & I feel the only way you will be able to win her back is by your action & not words. Sounds like she is already seeing you are changing & maybe she is just wondering if it will be for good or if you are just putting on a show. Yes you said; you don't want to go back to the old ways but that is easy to say it takes time & work to change, been there going thru it myself. I also agree with whichwayisup, when you won the battle in court for your daughter that just made your W mad & she probably resents that as well. I would say you just work on yourself, go to counseling & do what you can do to better yourself & then go from there. You have to feel good about yourself, have to believe in yourself. Sounds like you are on the right track.... Something I was told that really helped me & I know it sounds selling but every morning just tell yourself "you" don't ever want to be that old person again & you want to keep getting better....... Something else I found that really helped was get active, hit the gym, go for a few bike rides, go dancing, do something...
Author marsbars Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 Sounds like you are on the right track.... Something I was told that really helped me & I know it sounds selling but every morning just tell yourself "you" don't ever want to be that old person again & you want to keep getting better....... Something else I found that really helped was get active, hit the gym, go for a few bike rides, go dancing, do something... That is what I do every night and every morning. I tell myself what I want to become and what I don't want to fall back into. I am finding myself more conscious of some of the behaviors that my W doesn't like. And I am finding myself correcting myself when the behavior comes out. I guess it is a step in the right direction. Just acknowledging my faults.
Recommended Posts