Ex doing a rebound?

[niceguy27]

I know I will probably catch a little hell for this but here goes:

 

For those of you who have been following my situation, I have so far been in full NC for a week now. LC for the previous 3-4 weeks. This last week I have been trying to focus on myself and have a plan on how to do just that.

 

My ex and I ended it largely due to the fact she didn't know why her feelings changed for me week to week. She had been honest with me and told me later that she had met someone that "sparked her interest." He is completely different than myself and to a larger degree, her too. Anyway, she has been "seeing" this new guy since we have split. I don't know how serious it is with him. Her mother had told me that they don't see each other as much as I probably think and she is doing this just to keep herself busy hanging out with someone.

 

Now my plan is to take this month and concentrate on my well-being by working out and improving my self-esteem. During this time I am to have as little contact with her as possible (she still has her things at my house which have been bagged up and put in a room waiting for HER to contact me) and focus on me. When this month is up, I plan on contacting her to meet sometime for a quick bite to eat or drink just to test the waters with her. Keep it light and all that.

 

I'm not saying I am going to allow her jump back in my arms but I am going to do these little "dates" for a little while. My terms, my time. She told me herself she needs to know if I am the "one", thus the break up.

 

Now I have heard from others that rebounds take place mainly for them to get over someone. To fill a void. And after a little while the newness fades and they start to compare them with us. Is that how rebounds work most of the time? I mean come on, her and I had established a lot of good memories over the course of us and this new guy is just a temporary pain reliever. But how does it work? Do they suddenly wake up one day and say, "I miss him and us"? Or do I have to take a pro active approach to it

 

Others have said that if there is someone else, I need to act quickly and still try to stay in her life. This option I dont think I will have enough time to get myself back in order so I dont think I can do this.

 

My point I guess is to see if this is an ok strategy to pursue? There was nothing I would of have changed about us in the past so there are no issues with one person being unfair to another. I had decided a while back that she was the one for me. 100% sure. Only problem, she wasnt so sure. By the end of my plan I will have had time to go from thinking I "needed" her in my life to "wanting" to be with her. So if things don't work, oh well. It won't be as bad as the first time.

 

I wanted to get opinions on if anyone has experienced this before. I have a good friend that just got dumped because her bf had his ex contact him after 2 yrs wanting to start talking again. He gave my friend the same line..."I'm confused and am in love with 2 people." So what has everyone else gone through??

[bk2307]

Sounds kind of like what I am going through, except we haven't spoken at all since the breakup, like 6 weeks ago, and he was the one who wasn't sure. I am trying to not let myself hope for anything to change, because now we are too far away from each other. It's really hard though, when this is somebody who I have spent some of the best times of my life with. In trying to get over it, I even met a guy one night, but got all depressed for my ex again when that guy didn't call. I guess that means it would have been rebound although I didn't think so at the time (he seemed like a really great guy who I wanted to get to know). I guess what I mean is that even if she thinks she is really interested in him, it might be rebound without her being aware of it. She might be trying to get her mind off of you or trying to feel better or trying not to feel lonely.

 

The thing that happened to your friend happened to a friend of mine, too. They were together for a year and a half when the guy was home for a month and started seeing his former crush around... his feelings resurfaced and they ended up breaking up because he couldn't hurt his girlfriend by staying with her when he had feelings for someone else.

[Travis L]

 

Now I have heard from others that rebounds take place mainly for them to get over someone. To fill a void. And after a little while the newness fades and they start to compare them with us. Is that how rebounds work most of the time? I mean come on, her and I had established a lot of good memories over the course of us and this new guy is just a temporary pain reliever. But how does it work? Do they suddenly wake up one day and say, "I miss him and us"? Or do I have to take a pro active approach to it

 

All situations are different (obviously)....

 

I can only speak from my own experience but within two weeks of her leaving, she started seeing this guy... She would say how great he was, etc, etc... We maintained very low contact for about a month (She would call me once a week). THE NEWNESS FADED...then, out of the blue, she left him... I asked her to come over and she agreed...spent three nights...told me how he wasn't giving her attention like she was used to (like I would give her). I pampered the **** out of her to help her see what I was like (a refresher course)... She said that she wasn't sure what she wanted to do with him...I told her to follow her heart. She did and went back to him... It was one of the hardest things for me to say to her but i wanted her to come to her own conclusions about the matter...and me pressuring her to come to me wasn't going to help anything.

 

Fast forward two months of moderate contact (we spend a few days a week together and she spends every night at his place). Today I went with her to look at birthday presents for her new man... Turns out he is not giving her any attention, sex, ANYTHING... She spends the whole day ragging on him and how she is THIS close to leaving him. I have become her confidant (all of her new friends are also friends with him so she can't talk about this stuff with them...and he won't listen).. We flirt a lot and I pamper the **** out of her.. It's my way of giving her something to compare him to...she has recently told me she wishes he would treat her like I do and say the things I do... I know it...deep down...I know it..she is going to leave him (she moves into her own place tomorrow)... I'm keeping her mind open to me without falling into the friends-only zone..

 

This isn't easy...it's not for everyone...it's going to take a lot of courage and feeling of self-worth (knowing that you are a good man, etc..) but it can be done...

 

Also, don't think I am focusing only on her by what I am doing either...lost weight, in grad school, out dating new people, etc... I'm just keeping that door open for her...4 years is a long time to just throw away... We may never date again but I know I am giving myself the best opportunity for that given the situation... In fact, it would be the easiest route for me to just start over with someone new...if it comes to that (i.e. I find someone I would love to spend my life with), I will be more than happy to move on completely. In the meantime, I'm having fun with her and we are still "best friends"... Oh, and I get to see her naked as she showers at my place from time to time.. (damn, she is fine)

[LakesideDream]

I'm happy for you, seeing that "she's so fine". Cause that's all it's gonna be. She knows now that you can be manipulated, how far she can push you, how needy you are.

 

Even if she comes back (a big if) She's used goods, nothing more than someone else's discard. Your willing to settle for that?

[amaysngrace]

 

Others have said that if there is someone else, I need to act quickly and still try to stay in her life. This option I dont think I will have enough time to get myself back in order so I dont think I can do this.

 

 

You can't force-feed someone to be with you. And this idea above is a really bad one.

 

Let her go. No contact at all. Make her miss you. Don't force yourself in her face. Not today. Not a month from now. Not ever.

 

When you force yourself on another to maintain a relationship all that will happen is the person being forced runs off in the other direction.

[Travis L]

I'm happy for you, seeing that "she's so fine". Cause that's all it's gonna be. She knows now that you can be manipulated, how far she can push you, how needy you are.

 

Even if she comes back (a big if) She's used goods, nothing more than someone else's discard. Your willing to settle for that?

 

I assume you are referring to my post... I appreciate your opinion. Actually, I have shown NO neediness in any way... I don't contact her...she contacts me... When I say I pamper her I mean I show her a great time, rub her feet, cuddle her, etc... I let her contact me and when she does, I am always happy go lucky and just fine with whatever(because I am)... She does not manipulate me and has not pushed me at all. I know that is probably hard to believe but she has made it clear that all she wants right now is to be my friend. I made it clear that I would love the opportunity to work on us but I'm perfectly ok with being just friends. No pushing, no convincing on either side... This indifference to her being with just me has brought her closer to me, IMO...she feels no pressure and we are both honest with our feelings.

 

I think when you get to know someone for a long period of time (4 years of living together) you get to know how a person will respond to certain situations. All I know is that I love her and would love an opportunity to try to work on us in the future. If people can look past cheating, lying, etc...I think I can look past someone walking out on me and THEN being with someone else. Hell, she was honest enough with me to walk out the door before starting anything with anyone else...and yes this has been confirmed.

 

It's an easy defense mechanism for us to say that we deserve better, etc...but a lot of people on here would jump at the chance to try again with their ex. I have just been lucky in the way that my ex sincerely wants me to be a part of her life...even if its just as a friend. Maybe all we will ever be is just friends...and I'm OK with that... I will be perfectly happy moving on to the next should I find someone with whom I would like to share my life. I don't get in the way of her dating and she doesn't get in the way of mine.

 

It's not an easy path to take but it's the one that I have chosen...and I'm loving every minute of it. Don't get me wrong, I was DEVASTATED when she first left! I was miserable for the first month and a half! Now, I'm $hitting dollar bills...or at least thats how I have felt for the last month...

[niceguy27]

Thanks for the advice. I am not going to try to jump into her business as that will cause her to pull away. Like Travis said, when your with someone for quite a while, you know what makes them tick. I think that she's doing this to just keep occupied right now. And yes, I will be and have been in NC for a week now.

 

I plan on sticking with this for a month and if things change within that time, then I know I can move on from her. Until then all I am doing is taking it one day at a time. If I touch base with her a month from now and see how things are, I wont have any expectations about what to do. I understand a lot more what the whole "push" and "pull" thing stands for and that is what I am going to try to do. Let her come to me. I'm not ready to quit just yet.

 

I told myself I would wait for her a little while and I am doing that but at the same time another side of me is moving on and trying to better myself.

 

I was just asking this question to see how many other people have had to deal with the grass is greener syndrome and if their ex eventually reflected back after their time away and tried to reconcile.

[Spinderella]

All of you who are hanging around your ex's waiting for them to leave their new partners, you are wasting your time, and not allowing yourself to get over them.

You are just putting yourselves in "the friend zone", its like having a really good girlfriend, with the added ego boost of a bit of flirtation, but its not exciting or romantic. Sorry.

Move on.

[Lance Taylor]

I agree that you should not wait on an ex to break up with their current love interest, but I know sometimes you are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. There is the problem, you are so afraid of losing her, that its almost impossible to do the things that will win her back.

 

Believe me, Ive been in the same situation. I knew that I had to let her go, but I didnt want to look back and say that I didnt try. The problem is that there is a reason that she is dating other people. Brace yourself... she is looking for something that she doesnt have with you.

 

You seem like a great guy, and unfortunately a lot of women are tentative about committing to good guys. A women needs two desires fulfilled, 1.) mental (the logical reason for being with someone e.g. trustworthy, good person, good provider, etc. and 2.) physical (the animal instinct reasons for being with someone). In my experience, the physical/unknown desires are the ones that usually make a person want to date other people. Thats probably why you dont ever get a straight answer about why she is dating other people. B/c honestly she does love you, but for some reason she wants something that the independent badboy gives her.

 

It seems like you have a great plan for not contacting her and appearing non-needy. If you can add the things that make her attracted to you, you will have a much better shot of her realizing that you are the one for her. I could go into great detail about these, but some include: being non-needy, have options, independent, well-groomed, fun to hang out with, etc. Basically you have to be someone that gives her what she doesnt have with anyone else and make her work to win it back. You have to create a situation where she is trying to get you back, not the other way around. You will NEVER be able to logically convince her that you are right for her. You have to make her feel the emotions that will make her want you back.

 

Good luck!

[niceguy27]

My thoughts exactly! That is why I have focused on working out, improving myself, and making myself more "attractive" to her. In the meantime, if it doesnt work out, at least I have made a lot of progress on my well-being.

 

She told me herself that he is "intriguing" and doesnt know why. She said that is why she had to break things off with me. She didn't know why her feelings for me kept changing and why she wanted to look at this new guy. So I give it a month, see what happens and go from there.

[Lance Taylor]

Another thing. Go out and start dating other people. I cant emphasize this enough. Even if you dont feel like it, make yourself do it. In fact if you want to be very proactive about getting her back you should go out with other girls and let her find out about it. Dont bring it up and dont rub it in her face b/c that will only make you look more desparate. But maybe tell some mutual friends about the "amazing date" you had with another girl. I promise you word will get back to her.

 

Then, if shes like most girls, she will contact you because she is jealous. Now dont run immediately back to her and say "i only did it to get my mind off of you" b/c if you do that she will go right back to the other guy. You should be nice to her but act like it isnt a big deal for you to date other people, you are just having fun.

 

Girls want what they dont have, and if she knows that she has you, then she will feel no desire to be with you. Why would she? She can date other guys and always come back to you if she wants. Youve got to show her that you have options and she is in danger of losing you to someone else.

[MyAbusa]

Niceguy27 & Travis L, You guys need to listen to the advice on this board. Stop worrying about these exes & worry about yourselves.

 

I can guarantee they (your exes) aren’t losing any sleep over their decisions to leave & other than to have an occasional ego boost, want nothing to do with you. I know it’s hard to hear but it’s true. Travis, I know you’re saying “but we’re friends & she wants me around & it could grow from there.” You are not her friend! You are the doormat she can clean her soiled shoes on before she goes out on her next date! Just read the outcomes of almost every “she/he left me” topic on LS.

 

It’s time to think about you… What YOU deserve. Why be with someone with whom you question how they feel about you & their loyalty when you could be with someone you KNOW loves/wants you & has given you NO reason to question them.

 

You’re looking for advice, here it is. Stand yourself up on you own two feet… Say good riddance to those so willing to do the same to you & find someone as devoted and caring to you as you are to them & have a wonderful time! Your exes WILL come back (mine did) but NOT until you realize you can do better & have no interest in them.

 

I know this all sounds scary & crazy but it is the TRUTH & if you still frequent LS in about a year or so (depending on how long you drag out your current situation) I bet you’ll be in agreement with what I’ve posted here.

Best of luck.

[Curious139]

Lots of good advice on this thread!

 

I understand the logic of forgetting the ex but finding a strategy which works is the hard part. There are people on LS who still pine for the ex 2 years on and I don't judge them. We all cope in different ways.

 

Having said that, I agree with Niceguy that NC together with a self-improvement program is a strong positive step in the right direction. Ideally if the ex doesn't change their mind, you are in a much better mental and physical condition to make other choices.

 

I also agree that rediscovering within yourself the elements which attracted the ex in the first place is a critical task. We want the ex to see us as strong and desirable - not love-lorn and moping around.

 

I wish I'd known this 3 months ago but better late than never!

[Travis L]

Niceguy27 & Travis L, You guys need to listen to the advice on this board. Stop worrying about these exes & worry about yourselves.

 

I can guarantee they (your exes) aren’t losing any sleep over their decisions to leave & other than to have an occasional ego boost, want nothing to do with you. I know it’s hard to hear but it’s true. Travis, I know you’re saying “but we’re friends & she wants me around & it could grow from there.” You are not her friend! You are the doormat she can clean her soiled shoes on before she goes out on her next date! Just read the outcomes of almost every “she/he left me” topic on LS.

 

Hi My - Thanks for your advice. I appreciate all points of view and will always respond, in kind. I can 100% see where you are coming from with the ego boost (hell, I've given that advice to others). However, I know that this is not the case as she left her fiance of 7 years and came to me...NEVER looking back and NEVER making any more contact with him other than to pay the cell phone bill... This isn't an ego boost for her...she comes over just to relax with me and spend time with me. I am not saying that it will GROW from there. In fact, I'm saying I'm 100% fine with the way things are right now. I have been reading this site since she left in June, I know the horror stories. I followed some advice on here and nothing felt right to me... THIS feels right and I am actually happier now than BEFORE she left... I know a lot of people on here have the doormat treatment...fortunately I do not. I enjoy my time with her and she enjoys her time with me!

 

It’s time to think about you… What YOU deserve. Why be with someone with whom you question how they feel about you & their loyalty when you could be with someone you KNOW loves/wants you & has given you NO reason to question them.

 

Trust me, I have been thinking about me... Like I said, lost 42 pounds, in grad school working on my MBA, interviewing for a job on Thursday, and the list goes on... I'm in a better place now than I have ever been in the past... I can see your point about focusing on you and being with someone who you KNOW loves you as much as you love them... In fact, that is the reason I am not pursuing her at all...I KNOW she doesn't feel the way she used to about me. Quite frankly, I don't feel the same about her now as I did in the past... I hope that some day we can get that spark again but I am not holding my breathe.

 

You’re looking for advice, here it is. Stand yourself up on you own two feet… Say good riddance to those so willing to do the same to you & find someone as devoted and caring to you as you are to them & have a wonderful time! Your exes WILL come back (mine did) but NOT until you realize you can do better & have no interest in them.

 

Actually, I'm not looking for any advice anymore. I have found my path and I'm sticking to it as long as I feel as good as I do now... By the way, she does not interfere in my dating life. I HAVE A DATE THIS FRIDAY!!! I HAD A DATE WITH ANOTHER GIRL LAST NIGHT!!! Ihave no problem getting out there and doing my thang... To be fair, I am not rushing anything with anyone and all my prospects know that my ex is still my best friend...

 

I know this all sounds scary & crazy but it is the TRUTH & if you still frequent LS in about a year or so (depending on how long you drag out your current situation) I bet you’ll be in agreement with what I’ve posted here.

Best of luck.

 

I actually no longer hang around here for advice... I occasionally find a story of inspiration or something where my point of view might be relevant. I also look for situations that may help me sharpen my mindset or see my situation in a new light.

 

Fortunately, I got out of the fog a while back...

[niceguy27]

I appreciate it too. Sometimes the truty hurts. And that is why that each day that goes by, I do get a little better. Think about her less and less and when I do, I quickly try to focus on something else. But it still sucks that at night I do have a hard time. When its quiet in the house and then it suddenly hits me.

 

Coming on here does help to get it off my chest so I dont beat myself up everyday. And that brings me to my next problem...

 

For those who have followed, it has now been another week since she was supposed to get her stuff. I have gotten a lot of advice about it and HAD decided to box all her clothes and stuff up and let it sit in the spare room and let HER come get it. Now, I am finding out that she may be sleeping with this new guy. It's the whole prinicipal of it that is pissing me off. If she just needed to do whatever I would be fine with her getting it on her own. Now that I am finding this out, I feel like packing it up tonight and dropping it off at her apartment and letting her deal with it.

 

She has had time (she tells me otherwise) to come get it but I have not heard anything from her since last week when she came and got TWO things from my house. I think I may call her today and tell her I am getting it out of my house in the next 2 days so its her call at what to do with it. Like I said before, I was going to let her come get it whenever and stick to NC but the more I see how involved she is with guy the more pissed I am getting about her leaving her stuff there.

 

What do you guys think I should do? Call her and tell her 2 days (shes had plenty of time-over a month now) or just stick to NC and keep it there?

[carrotgirl]

I feel like packing it up tonight and dropping it off at her apartment and letting her deal with it.

 

Yes. I agree with this. Alternately, you could box it up, stick it in a taxi and then you don't have to go with the boxes. She could have gotten her things if it was important to her. Why should you have to alter your life to suit to her whim? It's nice that you would put everything in your spare room, but then it's still there.

 

Carrot

[niceguy27]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t131379/

 

Take a look at that one...I made my mind up about what to do with it. I'm a good guy but I can only take so much.

[MyAbusa]

Travis,

I think it's great you're in a comfortable place & I sincerely wish you all the best. I tend I compare what others are going through to my personal experiences & it just seemed you are at a stage of the break up game that I've already played. So, I was just trying to do for others what I wish someone would have done for me, though I don't know if I would have even been capable of taking the advice at the time.

 

Travis, I won’t dispense advice to you but I will share my experience in a situation similar to yours.

 

(6 years ago) It was a year after divorce ended my 10 year relationship/marriage to my now ex wife. She left me for another guy, after 6 months married him & then six months later divorced him. Anyhow, she wanted to be friends "Just friends" to which I agreed as I figured all the bad feelings were for the most part gone & who knows, maybe it could be a new beginning for us. It felt great! We were talking all the time, having meals together & even going out on what could almost be considered dates.

 

After some time of this I was really considering asking her to take our relationship to the next level but before I had the chance she met another guy & yet again kicked me to the curb like I was nothing. Here's where that old saying "wrong me once, shame on you, wrong me twice, shame on me" comes to mind.

 

Anyhow, I started thinking about all the conversations we shared & looking back, they were always about her & most often about her problems... her problems with work, problems with relationships, problems with family... etc. And there I was, just happy to be having conversation with her & not even recognizing it was all so single sided & I was just a temporary emotional support system.

 

I can also say that during the beginning of our "friendship stage" I was going out on dates & some of them with girls that had serious long term potential but how can one honestly put 100 percent into a new relationship when a part of you (no matter how small) still thinks there's a chance with someone else? I also don't know a single woman that wouldn't have a problem with their date/boyfriend spending time with his ex not to mention if they knew you still hoped it could work out.

 

Anyhow, there's my experience. I'm not trying to advise you or change your mind about your current situation. I'm just giving you the basis of my earlier replies & who knows, maybe it will help someone else here on LS.

 

Take care of yourself & I wish you all the best.

[MyAbusa]

Niceguy27,

I definitely feel for you as I've been there done that.

I'm sure you're fighting all sorts of urges to call her up & either try to convince her she's making a bad decision or tell her what you think of her. I expect that's completely normal & most of us that have been dumped have had the very same feelings. Personally, I tend to error on the on the angry side & would probably just throw it all away but that's me & most likely is not the right decision. I would say you and carrotgirl have the right idea. Do whatever you can to maintain NC & get her stuff out of your life.

I hope this helps & I'm rooting for you! Hang in there.

[MattyTee]

Just wanted to say that I've read a few posts from Travis and Niceguy and I think it's nice that there are slightly different things being said than the usual. I'm not saying that the rest of the advice on here is rubbish - I mean I know nothing really (first relationship just ended after 8 years) - but it's invigorating to see fresh ideas too.

 

Something I have to remind myself is that every situation is different and while there may be certain things that could be considered "rules" - it doesn't mean that breaking those isn't going to be beneficial. Just because one "dumper" did this or that doesn't mean another will too. Anyway, that's just my two pennies.

 

I've been through it a bit recently, just found out she's doing online dating after saying she needed to be alone. We had some light contact with me trying to do the friend thing but then I realised I was finding it too difficult. I need time for myself to heal and move on. I'm sure that even when I'm stronger emotionally I will still want to be with her (yes, I'm a sappy romantic idiot and feel she's the "one") but at least I'll be coming at it from a different place - a place of strength and resilience... right ... *he says hoping*

[Travis L]

(6 years ago) It was a year after divorce ended my 10 year relationship/marriage to my now ex wife. She left me for another guy, after 6 months married him & then six months later divorced him. Anyhow, she wanted to be friends "Just friends" to which I agreed as I figured all the bad feelings were for the most part gone & who knows, maybe it could be a new beginning for us. It felt great! We were talking all the time, having meals together & even going out on what could almost be considered dates.

 

After some time of this I was really considering asking her to take our relationship to the next level but before I had the chance she met another guy & yet again kicked me to the curb like I was nothing. Here's where that old saying "wrong me once, shame on you, wrong me twice, shame on me" comes to mind.

 

Anyhow, I started thinking about all the conversations we shared & looking back, they were always about her & most often about her problems... her problems with work, problems with relationships, problems with family... etc. And there I was, just happy to be having conversation with her & not even recognizing it was all so single sided & I was just a temporary emotional support system.

 

I can also say that during the beginning of our "friendship stage" I was going out on dates & some of them with girls that had serious long term potential but how can one honestly put 100 percent into a new relationship when a part of you (no matter how small) still thinks there's a chance with someone else? I also don't know a single woman that wouldn't have a problem with their date/boyfriend spending time with his ex not to mention if they knew you still hoped it could work out.

 

Anyhow, there's my experience. I'm not trying to advise you or change your mind about your current situation. I'm just giving you the basis of my earlier replies & who knows, maybe it will help someone else here on LS.

 

Take care of yourself & I wish you all the best.

 

Damn it all MyAbusa!!!! Now you got me questioning my whole situation Seriously though, the whole one-sided conversation really rings true right now. I hadn't really thought about it as I was just trying to be the good friend...caring, etc... We do talk about my problems and stuff but our conversations usually focus around what is going on her life. This is one of the reasons why I stay on LS...to sharpen my mindset and see other points of view.

 

Time for some reflection...

 

Thank you for sharing your experience!

 

-Travis