KittenMoon Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 Ok, this has been really bothering me for a while now. I feel like my ability to love is gone, dead, done with. Since my break up, over 18 months ago now, I haven't felt a shred of attraction to anyone- just the occasional bout of lust. Emotionally- nothing. I've tried, but when I reach into that place where I feel like my romantic love for comes from, I feel nothing for them at all. Mostly I just feel anger, loneliness, and sadness there- none of the good feelings I used to be able to give, when I was with my ex. I know I was capable of great love- my ex got treated like a prince, and I adamantly stand by the fact that our relationship failed because of him and his issues. Now that all feels gone- replaces by negative feelings and romantic apathy towards others. I'm just so frustrated. Everyone keeps saying you move on when you are ready, but I want to be ready NOW!!!!! I want to be able to feel excited, happy, and good being around a guy again, instead of just feeling nothing over and over again...
melodymatters Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 Sorry I can't help you KM as i feel the EXACT SAME WAY !!! In my case, I even instigated the break up, so I don't feel like heartbreak caused it. It IS a depressing state, and I keep getting the same Yoda like advice " someday, when you are ready". I will keep my eye on this post and see if you ( we ) get any helpful answers !!! melody
AriaIncognito Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 When you get to feeling that way, realize that you ARE capable, and you will do so again, when the right person comes along. Of course I feel the same way. Four months single so far and not a date to be had, I feel like I'll never look at anyone and want to be with them, but I think all that fall into place if and when the right person walks into the door. In the meantime, try to bash yourself as little as possible, as that's not going to help your cause. I can't wait for the day when we can all look back and realize why we went through all this.
Author KittenMoon Posted September 30, 2007 Author Posted September 30, 2007 This is such a rotten, sickly feeling though! For one, it makes it so hard not to think of happy times with my ex, as much as I'd rather not. Two, it makes me want to shoot lasers from my eyes whenever anyone makes even the most casual reference to me dating or being with any other guy. Going on a date sounds about as appealing as eating cave spiders. I've really just lost all faith in this stupid "love" thing- except I get to see it all over my best friends so it's like a form of sick torture.
Trialbyfire Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 You haven't lost the ability to love, you've gained a fear of investing. Not surprising, if you've been badly burned. It's probably a good idea to work through what went wrong in your prior relationship and then, keep your eyes open for similar red flags. On the other hand, do you want to live like this forever, hiding in the bushes, or do you want to get out there and start to enjoy living again? You decide if you're willing to risk it or not. If you never do, doesn't that make you a coward?
Author KittenMoon Posted September 30, 2007 Author Posted September 30, 2007 You haven't lost the ability to love, you've gained a fear of investing. Not surprising, if you've been badly burned. It's probably a good idea to work through what went wrong in your prior relationship and then, keep your eyes open for similar red flags. On the other hand, do you want to live like this forever, hiding in the bushes, or do you want to get out there and start to enjoy living again? You decide if you're willing to risk it or not. If you never do, doesn't that make you a coward? I get around a guy and I can't find any interest in him. What am I supposed to do? Force myself to like somebody I don't? I feel nothing- isn't being around someone you like supposed to make you happy? Or do we end up just settling for some guy who is just "OK"? It's so frustrating, I just wanna scream.
melodymatters Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 Well I can't speak for Km, but what I got out of her post was the weird feeling of not even feeling UP for it. I've been up, down, broke up upon and been the one doing the breaking. There was always a spark of " better things down the road" regardless of the situation. Even when heartbroken a good flirt would still at least get the nether regions tingling. THIS FEELING seems more akin to the anti depressant/Robot thread we were on the other day...just...feel...nothing... and if thats not your normal stat,e it feels weird, and unhealthy. But thats just me, I'm just piggy backing on the thread,it's Kittens ball game...
Trialbyfire Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 I get around a guy and I can't find any interest in him. What am I supposed to do? Force myself to like somebody I don't? I feel nothing- isn't being around someone you like supposed to make you happy? Or do we end up just settling for some guy who is just "OK"? It's so frustrating, I just wanna scream. When you "get around" a guy, is it always a dating experience or do you have much exposure to a large social network of single guys?
Author KittenMoon Posted September 30, 2007 Author Posted September 30, 2007 Well I can't speak for Km, but what I got out of her post was the weird feeling of not even feeling UP for it. I've been up, down, broke up upon and been the one doing the breaking. There was always a spark of " better things down the road" regardless of the situation. Even when heartbroken a good flirt would still at least get the nether regions tingling. THIS FEELING seems more akin to the anti depressant/Robot thread we were on the other day...just...feel...nothing... and if thats not your normal stat,e it feels weird, and unhealthy. But thats just me, I'm just piggy backing on the thread,it's Kittens ball game... That's what I'm kinda talking about- this utter nothing towards them. Even lust just feels like it's because they're a warm body, not because of who they are. I try to look deep and find some interest, but I just CAN'T. It's not there. It's been so long I wonder if it's ever going to come back. I'm tired of seeing guys interested in me and just seeing nothing back. Nothing. Now I feel like my chance for anything real is just f-ed.
Author KittenMoon Posted September 30, 2007 Author Posted September 30, 2007 When you "get around" a guy, is it always a dating experience or do you have much exposure to a large social network of single guys? I don't go on dates. I know single guys from my social networks, workplace, etc. They're great friends and aquaintances- but I can't feel anything beyond that.
Trialbyfire Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 I don't go on dates. I know single guys from my social networks, workplace, etc. They're great friends and aquaintances- but I can't feel anything beyond that. What exactly was so special about your ex?
Bosiell Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 Going on a date sounds about as appealing as eating cave spiders Very funny Kitten. Will be using that in future Sorry to hear about your situation though. Can not really offer any advice, only wish you will pull through soon.
Author KittenMoon Posted September 30, 2007 Author Posted September 30, 2007 What exactly was so special about your ex? Before it fell apart? I felt good with him. I wanted to be around him. I wanted to make him happy. I enjoyed our interaction, and the time we spent together.
Trialbyfire Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 Before it fell apart? I felt good with him. I wanted to be around him. I wanted to make him happy. I enjoyed our interaction, and the time we spent together. But what exactly was so special about him that no one else can compare?
Trialbyfire Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 I gotta' run km so I'll give you some food for thought. You strike me as someone who takes awhile to get to know someone, warm up to them, then get to the point where you're ready to invest. If you hold onto those feelings from your ex and look for similar feelings with someone you've just met, no one can live up to it. I don't think this is a conscious process on your part but...think about it, okay?
Author KittenMoon Posted September 30, 2007 Author Posted September 30, 2007 But what exactly was so special about him that no one else can compare? Well, when I spend time with other guys I don't get the same feelings. Not a hint. Whether or not it was something specific that made me feel a certain way about my ex, I have no idea, but what I do know is that I don't feel it around anyone else.
johan Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 If it helps at all, I know the feelings you're having exactly. After going through several relationship failures of my own, plus seeing so many fail around me, PLUS not seeing any that are lasting that I admire very much, I often feel very cynical about the whole thing. And that has affected how I relate to women in general. First of all, I don't seek out opportunities to meet them. If I do meet them, I don't try very hard to get close. Where I used to have an almost irresistible drive to make things happen with them, now I listen to a little "realism" devil sitting on my shoulder talking me out of it. He tells me things like, "she's not THAT great, remember the others?" Or "you can't think she'd love you so much not to go away in the end." Or "would it hurt more now to let the opportunity go, or later after you've invested?" If you have a little devil like mine, then don't feel too discouraged. Underneath it all you still have what it takes to love someone. You're just protecting yourself. You'll meet someone who will flick the devil off your shoulder, and you'll be happily in love again.
AriaIncognito Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Johan - I love your current sig that is akin to Tanbarks hehe KM - You are currently on anti-d's aren't you? if so, maybe you need to switch?
Author KittenMoon Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 KM - You are currently on anti-d's aren't you? if so, maybe you need to switch? Actually, after all this time on the anti-ds, we're starting to think my depression is tied to hormones. It's very cyclical, and follows the highs and lows of the menstrual cycle. I might ditch the anti-ds and try some other avenue, like Yaz bc pills. I mean, I was feeling peachy until a few days ago. Same thing every month.
underpants Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 I do not understand all this Fall melancholy. It may be time to shake things up and do something CRAZY...but legal. Do you own a hammer, and some safety glasses? Time to do some wonderful demo, even if just for fun. Go beat something up. It is a great workout. How about an inconspicioius strange sign posting? Find a tree and post a sign saying "HUG ME". It would be fun to document who hugged the tree. A neighboring tree could have a negative sign...like "KICK ME". Actually, I might do this. Maybe just a sidewalk chalk drawing. Do something fun but out of character for you. This might break up that stinkin' thinking. I am in the middle of a serious drought. If it goes on any longer I might need a narrator and my own documentary. The thing is, I know I can love again. I would never let someone take that away from me. You might have just misplaced yours. It is still there. Now, go do something wonderfully fantastic and silly.
AriaIncognito Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Actually, after all this time on the anti-ds, we're starting to think my depression is tied to hormones. It's very cyclical, and follows the highs and lows of the menstrual cycle. I might ditch the anti-ds and try some other avenue, like Yaz bc pills. I mean, I was feeling peachy until a few days ago. Same thing every month. BCP could indeed help this if your issues are tied to hormones. I actually went on BCP a few years ago when I was feeling like my hormones were causing me to feel pretty blah at times. I think part of that time it was situational and other parts was actual hormonal downswing. I've been on ortho-lo for the time since and I feel pretty even keeled, except i do still get overly sensitive on the first few days of my period.
lino Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 I feel very similar to you myself but probably not as bad. I've started seeing women again since I was dumped in june & I'm on the verge of starting a FWB relationship with a girl but I don't think I'll let it happen because it's not at all what I'm interested in. Like you though, I just can't see a relationship with any woman I meet simply because I don't trust girls anymore & don't wanna invest myself only to get f*cked over again. Really sucks Don't know what else to do but keep working & doing things which I enjoy but I'm worried I'll eventually stop enjoying these things, knowing that I'll always be without a true companion.
angie16 Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 i feel the same way!! I want to be done now! I am so sick of crying and talking about him, it actually makes me sick! I loved him so much, and miss him so intensely (its been almost 5 weeks). I want to be done and move on, i want to be able to actually believe that I'll meet someone else and be able to love them and not be so cynical and not think thats its not gonig to work out. i truly believe that my ex was my soul mate and i blew it. my impaitence about marriage and my fear and inability to trust. I am so devestated. He hasn't even called me or tried to get back together. I know he was upset like a week after, but I know he's moved on. I just want another chance to love him.
Rayofsunshine Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 I am feeling the same way. I feel stuck in the middle too and flip flopping back and forth. I want to start dating again, I even put a profile up on Match.com. I go out with friends and talk to single guys but no one really catches my eye. I feel blah towards them. Then there are times where I think, I just got out of a 10yr relationship I don't want to get back into another right away. I would rather go out with my friends and not even think about finding someone. I'm not opposed to relationships and have no bitter feelings towards them due to my breakup. I guess right now I am having fun and doing a lot more things with my friends then I have done before. I guess I still need to improve me a bit before I can think about someone else, but it does suck when you want to find someone and the feelings just aren't there when the opportunity presents itself.
Bosiell Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 i feel the same way!! I want to be done now! I am so sick of crying and talking about him, it actually makes me sick! I loved him so much, and miss him so intensely (its been almost 5 weeks). I want to be done and move on, i want to be able to actually believe that I'll meet someone else and be able to love them and not be so cynical and not think thats its not gonig to work out. i truly believe that my ex was my soul mate and i blew it. my impaitence about marriage and my fear and inability to trust. I am so devestated. He hasn't even called me or tried to get back together. I know he was upset like a week after, but I know he's moved on. I just want another chance to love him. That is so sad Angie.. I feel for you. Hope you pull through this. You never what tomorrow will bring.
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