lost4ever Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 Is it fair to find two love When some can not find one Is this hell that I live, will the love I give have any gain, or will it turn to life long pain? Is he going to hurt me I’m I just a game? Do I pay now, for I am doing the same. Why is it taking me so long to decide? How long do are actions make others cry? I would like to blame him for what I did But are my actions not his. The loss of innocence is my sin, What is it hope to win? I am now the assassin I the fatality, the love I give brings out my insanity. I choose to give up the love I have, For a love that’s better has crossed my path. You took so long to say it was a game, why did you take so long to say you didn’t feel the same. You only aimed to deceive, your only intention was to mislead. From the pattern of your past I should have known I was many of a cast. I feel an internal pain; what was I looking to gain, am I destine to be lonely, Why didn’t I see your love was phony? All for nothing is what I learned. Eternal hell is all you could give, Is it fair when I didn’t know your love was a lie, I now know what it feels like to die. You turn away Your unknowing wife’s love is strong I reluctantly turn away My husband, he’s gone. If I could turn back the clock The boat would I rock? One foot in, one foot out That’s not what love is about. The pain I caused I hurt my husband so much The grief I feel is not enough My husbands loving eyes Etched in my mind My intent so unkind Do I feel hurt for my loss or is it just from the sorrow caused
Darth Vader Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 So..... You've come to realize that the OM was nothing but a Predator, who used you for what he wanted? What's happening? You haven't posted in a while.
Author lost4ever Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 Hey there! The main reason I haven't been on was the tornado that hit the house, and school starting back up...All I do is go to work, Go to School and try to help out at the house..... Anyways, Where did I leave off? Oh yeah, we were waiting for my husband to go through the angry stage, Well that happened right after the tornado, we had to move to an apartment while they worked on our house (we were suppose to be in the apt. for three months) My husband hit the angry stage as soon we moved in, and it was as bad as you said it would be, everynight I got to hear that everything that happened in my past was my fault because god knew I would grow up to be a selfish, slut, bitch...then it got violent, after he punched a few holes in walls and doors and caused me physical pain, me moved out (the physical part is VERY out of charcter for him)...he freaked himself out, for freaking out that much on me...so he moved out..but now he plays the calls three times a day, has an excuse to come over everynight, acts needy and then as soon as I try to comfort him, he tells me again, again, again...how he can not stand me...(it's a fun game, really ) Now the MM, I broke up with him (for like the 20th time) because what we are doing is wrong...blah,blah,blah...he sets up a romantic vacation out of country (which, this is NOT how my MM acts), I went (dumb move)---He acts like the sweetest most caring man in the world (again, not like my MM) Tells me he loves me, can't live without me (same crappy they all say)...Well I fall for it (again)..We get back to our real life...he starts to act like nothing ever happened (my mistake, I thought we wnet to the I LOVE YOU level) so what else can I do but break up with him, again (see a pattern here..whats that they say: insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a differnt outcome) anyway, an hour later he calls me he was fired! (which is bad, but at his level it maybe the end of him) so of course I do what any good women would do; I baby him! This last about three days ( oh baby I'm so sorry, but you'll be ok..(ego stroke, inserted here)) and he plays along (oh my wife doesn't understand how hard this is on a man, I'm so glad your here..(insert typical BS line here). and then...nothing, ignores me...sooooooo gues what I do???? I break up with him, this time I am serious (plus I heard the stories about how he selpt with hookers while in Brazil, while he was dating me)(gross, just left visions of his wife, him, and me lying next to eachother on our AIDS death bed)...anyway, he says after I tell him he is the biggest #$!% ever thzt he will call me tomorrow, I tell him no, he tells me "I'll call, if you don't want to answer thats your choice" I don't answer. He calls for the next 4 days straight 2-3 times a day (I can't even get him to call me once a day when we are dating) so I cave....and everthing goes fine for about a week and then....(you think he is going to do something stupid, huh) Nope, Wrong...for no reason what so ever I call and flip out on him...really, for no reason, just wanted to fight ( I fight, he of course he don't., in order to fight the person must care) the only thing he says about my 15 minute nag is I care for you a great deal, I am sorry YOUR [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Insecurities don't let you believe that ( I hate when he pulls that twisted mental patient crap on me)..So just to show him I'm not crazy (HA) I say, you tell your wife of this affair or I will and hang up......now in my head, this is how that would play out...he would call me back after a couple of days, tell me that he know understands how is [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Indecisive behavior is hurting me, and he would make a choice, leave me alone, or leave his wife...this is what really happens...I get a text that says: I do not have the same feelings for you, as you do for me: so lets make a deal: You leave me alone, and I will not get you fired for sending me the confidential papers you sent after I was fired.....He black mailed me...what an ass! I didn't reply, he texted me the next day saying: truce? I din't reply, and I haven't heard from him since....I am starting to understand that this whole relationship has caused me to loose my mind....anyways, like my poem? first one ever, my t[/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]herapist thought I should try a new way of expressing my feelings [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I'll tell you all about what I think of this therapy crap next time[/sIZE][/FONT]
norajane Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 So your husband found out about the affair and finally reached the anger stage, yet you're still going back and forth with MM and want MM to leave his wife, but MM is being the same ass he's always been and worse because now he's exposed you to STD's from his shenanigans in Brazil, and he's blackmailing you so you could lose your job? Good thing you are in therapy. Get away from loser MM. Make sure your husband gets into therapy because he's unstable.
Author lost4ever Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 Pretty much, yeah...But I told my husband he didn't "find out"
Cobra_X30 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 1st... Nice Poem! It has a very strong emotional clarity to it! 2nd... You cant replace one bad relationship with another. It's never going to make you happy. These are not the only two men on the planet, and I dont think either is really worthy of the time or effort you spend thinking about them. 3rd... I would like to purchase the movie rights!
Author lost4ever Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 Yeah, This whole year and a half has been nothing but Drama, and I am sick of it... I understand that I made a huge mistake, and had a terrible lapse in judgement, (I will not do it again, EVER! this was not the first married man that hit on me, I am not a whore, it's not like I haven't said no 1 million times compared to the ONCE I said yes!) I know that I Hurt my husband by the actions I took and I am sorry (Now he needs to understand go away) I know my relationship with MM was appealing because I wanted out of my marriage, take all the "emotion" out of this relationship (I mean write it on paper) the MM is not even close to someone I would date... I am seriously looking for another job in another state and leaving all of this
Cobra_X30 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 That sounds like a great idea. Fresh new start... new scenery. Most poeple will tell you that you need to find yourself... discover who you are. That's too passive for me. Sometimes you just need to step away and re-invent yourself. Choose who you want to be! If you got skills the job market is hopping up here!
Author lost4ever Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 Up Here???? I hope you are not talking about Michigan... I do need to move, however I will have to wait until this sememster is over, December, which is good winter will be here and I'll really be sick of this place, I want to go south (I really hate winter) I have been begging my husband since I have known him to move, he never would. I really wish I could keep my job ( I like the company) and get transfered to headquarters but I would have to wait till this time next year and then they would transfer me to MM's town (that would suck!)
Cobra_X30 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Michigan? Ughhh... you couldnt pay me to live there! I wouldnt live in da dirty south either. It's warm... but I can't stand the humidity. No my point was... definitely move. Switch jobs if you want... or not if you dont, but moving closer to MM doesnt sound like a great idea. Actually that kind of defeats the purpose of moving to some extent... doesnt it?
Darth Vader Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 1st... Nice Poem! It has a very strong emotional clarity to it! 2nd... You cant replace one bad relationship with another. It's never going to make you happy. These are not the only two men on the planet, and I dont think either is really worthy of the time or effort you spend thinking about them. 3rd... I would like to purchase the movie rights! 4. QUIT HITTING ON THIS WOMAN! She may, I hate to say it, have been exposed to AIDS! Lost, have you been tested for HIV yet? It's good that you and your husband haven't had sex! For his sake!
Darth Vader Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Yeah, This whole year and a half has been nothing but Drama, and I am sick of it... I understand that I made a huge mistake, and had a terrible lapse in judgement, (I will not do it again, EVER! this was not the first married man that hit on me, I am not a whore, it's not like I haven't said no 1 million times compared to the ONCE I said yes!) I know that I Hurt my husband by the actions I took and I am sorry (Now he needs to understand go away) I know my relationship with MM was appealing because I wanted out of my marriage, take all the "emotion" out of this relationship (I mean write it on paper) the MM is not even close to someone I would date... I am seriously looking for another job in another state and leaving all of this Your husband is not going away, Yet. He hasn't hit that stage, YET. Did he hit you? Some people can "ALMOST" understand the first slap, "ALMOST". Because what they are feeling is so gut wrenching. What I mean is, and I've heard this, that a Death of someone is easier in many cases, than being subjected to this kind of betrayal. That in part, is why so many people on here are so adament about others not cheating on their spouse, it's not worth it, period! I don't know what stage is next, but, I was aware of the anger thing, does anyone else know what the next stage is?
Darth Vader Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Michigan? Ughhh... you couldnt pay me to live there! I wouldnt live in da dirty south either. It's warm... but I can't stand the humidity. No my point was... definitely move. Switch jobs if you want... or not if you dont, but moving closer to MM doesnt sound like a great idea. Actually that kind of defeats the purpose of moving to some extent... doesnt it? That would mean Alaska's out then, only kidding!:lmao: Well, somewhere farther away from where you are, not too warm, or too cold. And don't say California, too many earthquakes, weirdos..........IMO.
norajane Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I don't know what stage is next, but, I was aware of the anger thing, does anyone else know what the next stage is? Resentment.
Darth Vader Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Resentment. Doesn't that kinda go with the anger thingy? Maybe it does, but on a new level?
Author lost4ever Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Well, I'm sure I will find out what the next stage is soon, I can tell you the last couple of days he made a 180, now he is doing the love you like my sister thing, he don't want me to call him or talk to him about anything he is going through, but he comes over to the apartment and buys me food (I have an eating disorder, and he is afraid I'll quit eating) and today he came over and made me shut off the tv because I couldn't study properly with it on.......I can't say I like this stage any better, back to feelings of guilt instead of anger (on my part) (yes been tested, told you that already, next time will not warrant an answer) I sure do miss being sane
norajane Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Doesn't that kinda go with the anger thingy? Maybe it does, but on a new level? Anger runs hot - punching the wall, screaming, yelling, etc. It's about the emotions that the BS is feeling about the hell they've been thrust into. Resentment runs cold - it's the wanting to dump the cheater stage, maybe even plotting revenge (or the nasty divorce). It's the stage where the BS realizes they've lost all respect for the cheater and it's an active loathing. But it's not a ranting and raving stage.
OWoman Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 4. QUIT HITTING ON THIS WOMAN! She may, I hate to say it, have been exposed to AIDS! As may anyone who's having sex. Getting hysterical doesn't help. Everyone should be responsible about their own sexual behaviour at all times.
Woggle Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 BS who stay and put up with it are doormats and suckers as well. Anybody chasing a situation that is guaranteed to cause nothing but pain and heartbreak is in my book a sucker because they are wasting their life, their energy and their time chasing a lie. It's like hitting your head against the wall and complaining you have headache then hitting it again expecting it make you feel better.
Darth Vader Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Anger runs hot - punching the wall, screaming, yelling, etc. It's about the emotions that the BS is feeling about the hell they've been thrust into. Resentment runs cold - it's the wanting to dump the cheater stage, maybe even plotting revenge (or the nasty divorce). It's the stage where the BS realizes they've lost all respect for the cheater and it's an active loathing. But it's not a ranting and raving stage. So you're saying that her husband may/will want to drop her quickly?
Darth Vader Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Well, I'm sure I will find out what the next stage is soon, I can tell you the last couple of days he made a 180, now he is doing the love you like my sister thing, he don't want me to call him or talk to him about anything he is going through, but he comes over to the apartment and buys me food (I have an eating disorder, and he is afraid I'll quit eating) and today he came over and made me shut off the tv because I couldn't study properly with it on.......I can't say I like this stage any better, back to feelings of guilt instead of anger (on my part) (yes been tested, told you that already, next time will not warrant an answer) I sure do miss being sane You have to keep getting tested, it can show up later on. I don't know if it takes longer with some than others, I hope this is not the case. You keep saying that you don't like the feelings of guilt, to me that is very self centered. I'm sure your husband doesn't like all the feelings he's going through, either. That's harsh reality.
Author lost4ever Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 "You keep saying that you don't like the feelings of guilt, to me that is very self centered. I'm sure your husband doesn't like all the feelings he's going through, either. That's harsh reality. " maybe it is sef centered, but you know I guess the one who cheated goes through stages also. I am not stringing him along, I told him I cheated, I told him I do not want to be with him, I told him I made a mistake, it was very very wrong...and now it feels like he is guilt tripping me into staying...how many times do I have to tell him, it is over? Sure I'm a b*tch for falling out of love, but deal with it. people do mean things to eachother all the time, you either deal with it and leave, or deal with it and stay....i already made that choice for him. I didn't sign up for this cry baby / how could you ruin my lift/ bull crap... and I can not be the one to hold his hand while he gets a divorce...sorry, truth hurts 1
norajane Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 So you're saying that her husband may/will want to drop her quickly? Not necessarily - BS's cycle through the stages many times...roller coaster every day, week, month...it takes a while for the head to clear enough to make a firm decision. It's not linear.
norajane Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I didn't sign up for this cry baby / how could you ruin my lift/ bull crap... and I can not be the one to hold his hand while he gets a divorce...sorry, truth hurts See, there's that resentment... The thing is, lost, your husband is just now going through the stages of betrayal. Whereas you made your decisions long ago. You can't expect him to skip the emotional fall-out so you get what you want, no muss, no fuss. You have to expect he's going to have reactions.
Author lost4ever Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Yeah, I understand this, that is why I try to be supportive through his crazy up and downs, it's just taking a lot longer then I imagined, and it feels as if I can't make it better, he just wants me to suffer...which I deserve and I do suffer, I understand, however I will not go on the rest of my life paying for a mistake 1
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