Sending money to support now adult child with a family?

[tinktronik]

So we get the call every six months or so . EX-W of my s/o is in crisis with their daughter . Needs XYZ.

Some of you may remember when the daughter came to live with us ? It did not work out well . In fact it turned out that she left when told to either A) Get a job or B) Go to school and to be respectful of the people she lives with .

Well she left and went back to her mothers got pregnant had a baby , and turned 18 . The father of the baby girl was 15 when she got pregnant and is now 16.

So in the interrum they have all been living with Mom and Step-dad .Step-dad inrolled them all into college Mom , Daughter , and Father of Baby .

But... Earlier this week Ex-W calls .Step-dad threw out daughter baby and the father for some reason "this has been left vague". So they have all moved into he baby's father's Mom's home .

Sooooo, the ex-W wants money to help support the "kids" now at another home .

My stance is they are now adults . Let them at least have some time where they have to transition into adulthood .There has to be a reason the very generous step-dad threw them out and I suspect it was the same as when the daughter was here. My s/o has agreed for now .

But the ex-W is pissed .

Am I seing this clearly do you think ? Doing the right thing?

[Ladyjane14]

Good grief. It sounds like an episode of the Jerry Springer show going on over there.

 

I think if it were me, Tink.... I'd go with the old Dr. Philism, "Would you rather be right or happy?"

 

IMO, you're on solid ground that the girl is 18 and has made her own bed, but I think the greater priority for you and your family might be the emotions of your S/O. Whatever the case, that's still his daughter and grandchild. He needs to feel good about whatever he decides.

 

Possibly you could split the difference by covering a few small necessary items... maybe a gift certificate for groceries or a payment to the pediatrician.... and set a precedent that you won't be sending CASH.

[tinktronik]

I think my s/o feels okay now sending nothing but his love . He at this point feels that his daughter is in no crisis , they have a place to live and the baby is fine .He called his Dad who advised him that you don't throw money at a problem, you throw elbow grease instead .

At the moment , the EX-W wants money to buy them a newer and safer car , but they are driving a Volvo thats safer than my honda .

I think if it were really a crisis , they were on the street or without food or the baby needed attention medically we would ofcourse respond .

A grocery card is a great idea though . Ill talk to him about that.

[silktricks]

If there was no baby involved I'd be all for "they are adults, let's stand back and let them be adults". And to be completely frank, I still am that.

 

My personal stance would be:

 

I will send NO money. Period.

 

I will send clothes and diapers for the baby. If the baby gets ill and needs doctor or medicine, I will pay for those. Send me the Dr bill or give me the phone number of the pharmacy. I will pay for those items, directly to the provider.

 

As far as food goes, I would try to have a discussion with the bf's family that they are staying with, and see how things are going there.

 

Dealing with young adults who think the world owes them is very difficult. It's even more difficult when all of their support system isn't on the same page. But coddling them when they make bad choices does not help them learn anything, it only reinforces the bad choices.

[Curmudgeon]

Am I seing this clearly do you think ? Doing the right thing?

 

The ex should not even be a part of this scenario. Daughter is an adult. If she truly needs help it's incumbernt upon her to contact her father directly. It might even help her grow up a little.

 

I made it very clear to the ex that when our daughters turned 18 I would no longer communicate with her about them. If they had something that needed to be addressed they had to personally contact me. I stuck by my guns, much to the ex's distress but then again, I distress her just by being alive!

[tinktronik]

The ex should not even be a part of this scenario. Daughter is an adult. If she truly needs help it's incumbernt upon her to contact her father directly. It might even help her grow up a little.

 

I made it very clear to the ex that when our daughters turned 18 I would no longer communicate with her about them. If they had something that needed to be addressed they had to personally contact me. I stuck by my guns, much to the ex's distress but then again, I distress her just by being alive!

I think you may be onto something there C. The daughter is (not maturity wise) but legaly an adult with a child of her own and the contact from the ex just causes confusion into the issue . The ex-W seems to live in a fantasy world where her and hers are perfect to the outside world and must appear to be perfect no matter what .So it clouds and confuses things on this end when the only time Dad is contacted is in crisis situations for money the daughter will not contact him as her mother had demands perfect appearance thus the existing problem cannot exist and she does not feel free to confide in him , but the ex calls with panic demands . I will suggest to him to stop contact with his ex in order to secure his daughters belief that confidence is "safe" for her and perhaps then he will be willing to help.

 

On a side note his daughter did contact us recently to find out about her share of a will from a family member that had passed away .Her mother told her she would be inheriting when in fact there was no inheritance for her . My s/o explained that the monies were left for him and that she would inherit some of it when HE passed away , but not before then . So they are on rocky terms .

[glittergurl]

Good God, she's 18. Not your problem anymore.

[Curmudgeon]

Good God, she's 18. Not your problem anymore.

 

All my children are adults but that doesn't make me any less their father, any less their their parent or any less concerned and involved with them. It's merely different relationships now than when they were adolescents. Now I don't feel responsible but that doesn't mean I won't provide assistance when it's requested. However, my boundary is that if they need money it must be for something unexpected, unforseen and unpreventable.

 

Some of them still call for advice and that's fine.

[glittergurl]

My response was to the question about whether he should give her money or not. And in my oppinion: no. She's 18, she decided to have a baby (or at least let it happen anyway). She's old enough to take care of herself and her mother should not be requesting money.

 

If it comes to caring, giving advise, and pointing her in the right direction, then that's a different matter.

[Mz. Pixie]

I would get things for the baby- diapers formula etc as the other poster said. I'd pay for a dr's visit if need be, but I wouldn't just give them cash- due to her track record of being irresponsible.