TexasSadGirl Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 Hello: I have been recently posting on the OW forum under Man Goes Back to Wife.Im looking for the opinion of men both in the OM relationship but especially from men who have had OW and have cheated on thier spouses. If you care to read my postings and sift through all the information to get a real feel that would be great but Ill summarize it for you. I want your opinion of why men do this,what is going on in your heads.And if you can provide insight and answer my questions..Can you really feel love for another woman while married or is it all lies.Do married men ever leave ever for their OW? Can men really carry on 2 realtionships with no issues or problems.Do men really think differently than women and can they turn their emotions on and off.What are they thinking when they are with the wives(Are they thinking of the OW at all or do they block them out completely). How long can these affairs last.What do men go through as these things are happening.And lastly whats your take on my situation I have never been with a married man in my life.Until now.My realationship started as a freindship just emailing and turned into something quickly and soon he left his wife to be with me.As I said in my posts I never found out until the end that he left his wife one night or our first date on their anniversary. Then when he left for real it was though an email at work.We had 8 months together.We lived hard and fast.He told me everything I ever wanted to hear and said I was the love of his life and wanted to start his life with me.He told me every step of the way what was going on with the W and the divorce proceedings.We had immnese passion,fun and an unbelieveable realtionship.He must have spent upwards of 15000 in those months in trips,things,outings,etc..He loved me so much I thought. I told him I did not trust easily and convinced me he would never hurt me.He told people about us and didnt care if anyone knew or what they thought.Even the W knew about me.Then in Late August he dumped me via text message saying he couldnt go on anymore hurting his family and wanted his family back.In spite of all that he promised and had with me(Yes Im being selfish by saying this) The first week after was tough.He ignored me and was pretty ugly and cold on the emails telling me if was over and to accept it and move on.Said we could MAYBE be friends and that was all we could or ever would be.The second week was different. It went back to how we used to email.I was still uncomfortable becaue we were not together as a couple anymore but at least it was contact. He flirted and said things he used to.It has been and up and down rollercoaster of emotion for me.Some days we may have 100 or more little emails at work back and forth and some days are 2 or 3 and hes cold. Some days hes receptive and some hes not.We have met 3 time at work to "get together." and recently the W went out of town and he snuck me into his house 2 nights in a row and gave a proud tour of the house and all his belongings and we were intimate either kissing or whatever in almost every single room in the house to include their bedroom. He didnt evn seem guilty or afraid I was there. He was romantic and loving and told me he loved me.We took very nasty incriminating an damging pics together of which I have the copies!! Then the next day when the wife came back he was cold and I got maybe 2 emails at work all day.We went from calling,texting,voicemails,in person contact 24/7 while we were together to just emailing at work now and a few calls at work only. All weekend emails or calls and texting has stopped since the wife let him back in the house.The W even called my cell awhile back and politely informed me he was back home now and to leave him alone. He goes to church and confession every day on post and therapy once week. He still says he loves me and thinks about me all the time and sees reminders of us everywhere. He says he needs to fix things first with the wife as he left in a bad way and that MAYBE he will give us a chance one day but cant promise that it will be tomorrow or next week,etc....But he says "I know this sounds wrong but just know that if things dont work out that you woud be the only OW I would want".They have been together for 23 years and the W first marriage ended in divorce as the first husband cheated on her and dumped her years ago. Hes 54 Im 38. Their kids are grown and out of the house. Im not sure what will happen. I would like to be with him one day if it was meant to be.Im hurt and angry yet Ive never yelled at him for this.Im confused and disappointed. Im not vengeful nor am I vindictive in terms of goinng to her. I even feel bad for her I do. But my guilty needs outweigh it.I never got a real apology either for the way he left.Its to painful to sit idly by and wait for a few crumbs daily that I may or may not get. Its like a ticking time bomb.We may get caught I feel when we meet at work now which is once a week if not every other and that may be the REAL end. He may feel one day he cant carry on 2 realtionships and explode. I may not be able to carry this on as it hurts to much. I do love him deeply and I have told him. I feel like im waiting for something that may never come.I would like all your input on whats happening here. I wonder sometimes where karma will play a role in his life as how can he hurt and lie to 2 people so much and go on having his cake and eating it to . And being allowed to come back and have his home and great job and friends and family and everything else with no punishmnet whatsoever. Im experiencing my pain daily.
sally_ann Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 What's happening here is that he's still attracted to you and has feelings for you. He wants to fight them but it's hard because he's got such a willing participant in this awful game on the other side. This man took a vow with his wife to be faithful... and clearly it didn't mean anything to him... but he wants to try to salvage it because of that vow and because he CLEARLY loves his wife. maybe in a different way than he loves you... forget about his marriage and his wife for a minute. how about some dignity? how about some self respect. what happened in your life that you feel like you'd rather be with a lying cheating scumbag then alone? why don't you feel like you need a man who wants you and only you? you must know how incredibly immoral this all is.... how can you have so little respect for yourself to totally not care? want some advice? cut of contact with this man. don't answer his calls, don't meet him at work, block his email... move if you have to!!!! get some counselling. meet someone who treats you the way a woman deserves to be treated. oh... and will he ever leave his wife? maybe. but don't kid yourself and think he's doing it for you. he's doing because he wants to leave his wife. he'll cheat on you too. clearly he's good at it.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 If you want insight into the minds of men who cheat, then you'll want to lurk around for a bit on the philanderers forum. It is rare to see the sort of fence sitting cake eaters over here that you'll find over there. If you Google "philanderers forum" you'll find the PForums. These are people who are married and cheat, but intend to stay married. It is interesting to read what they post about their OW/OM and what they post about their H/W. I'll warn you. It is not easy to read as an OW or as a BW - but I will tell you this. It will give you some insight into the "how can he love me and not leave his wife" question.
Author TexasSadGirl Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 I posted this to get the viewpoint of the OM and men who have cheated on their W. I really would appreciate mens input on my situation. I see alot of people viewing but few responses. I hope some can shed some light on men having affairs and what they think
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Maybe Oyster, ratingsguy and bonehead will reply. I think they are still around, but not that often. They'll all OM. I would take LB's suggestion, though you may not like what you read over there.
sarme Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Hey Texas don't bother going over to that other site, it is just a bunch of cackling women who have their one sided opions for men and for everyone in affairs. Why go all the way there for that when you can get that right here. I literally saw one man post there, that's it. I wonder why....?
cj1988 Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 You say that he acts like he does not feel guilty for what he is doing to you or his wife because he does not feel anything excpet what you are giving hm....SEX. Ok, say that you start seeing each other again, tell him you cant or do not want to have sex for a while, that you want to be with him......watch how fast he runs back to her, dumps you and has another affair with someone else. I watched my mother do the same thing for over 25 years, she thought her man would come be with her.....never happened and found out he had LOTS of women over the years ! He will have his cake and eat it too as long as you LET him and obviously his wife knows and lets him to, why stop if you can have it all ??????
reboot Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Can I assume from the lack of cheating men responding to this thread that men don't cheat?
stillafool Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Texasgirl you won't find many male cheaters on here to respond because they are out cheating and not reading LS. It sounds like the 54 year old was feeling old and you made him feel good. He thought you were what he wanted but changed his mind. He probably does love you but is not in love with you. He had his mid-life crisis and now probably missses his wife and the way things were. Will he come back to you? From what he's said I would say no. As far as him spending $15,000 in 8 months on you guys - that isn't that much money and you have to remember he was making himself happy. A shiny new red sportscar would have cost way more than $15,000 so don't be flattered by that. I'm sorry you are hurting and this seems to be really taking a toll on you. You need to stop fantasizng about this guy and get yourself some therapy. About Karma - yes it does play a role in his life. Unforturnately, both of you will have to pay Karma. Him sleeping with another woman in his wife's home and the OW knowing this is his wife's home is a debt that will definitely have to be paid. This man obviously is in love with his wife. The kids are grown and gone so it isn't them he's going back for. It's time to look at his actions and stop listening to his words. He's a liar. If you want to test how much he loves you threaten to send the nasty and incriminating photos to his wife. Let us know how he reacts.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Hey Texas don't bother going over to that other site, it is just a bunch of cackling women who have their one sided opions for men and for everyone in affairs. Um... I don't think we are talking about the same site if you are referring to the one I mentioned. Plenty of men post at the PForms, and if the opinions are one sided its to say that affairs are good, that they want and care about their OW/OM, and I don't think I've seen more than a few who didn't also care about their spouses enough to stay married to them. Its a perfect place to see what the opinions of MM/MW are who are in affairs, because they are the ones who post there - not BS's, not (well, rarely) SOW (plenty of MOW though). Most of the people who post here are either OW or BS. Every once in a while you'll get a MM or a MW (or a former cakeeater like myself) posting here, but nothing along the lines of what you see at the PForums. You'll get plenty of insight into the mindset of the people who cheat on their H and W, because that is primarily who posts there, and they are 100% unapologetic about it and what they do. The reason it is hard to read over there for the OW and the BS is because neither will find what they are looking for. OW will see that yes, MM does love them. What they will also see are the MM firmly remaining married out of choice. BS will see that their H may love them and want to stay with them, but are very much in lust/love with the OW and have no (or very little) guilt about it and have no intention of stopping. TexasSadGirl wants to know what its like from the cheaters point of view. I can think of no better place to look than the PForums. It is very much what she needs to see, but it won't be easy to see it.
sarme Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 LucreziaB: Yes I have been to that site you suggested, the PForums one. Ok I suppose you have to dig much much deeper, to be honest I read a few threads that caught my attention and nothing. Then I skimmed through a bunch of others...still tumbelweed maybe I just didn't look in the right section. Even in those that you'd think guys would post there was nothing more than women speaking for men, the usual LOL. Let's face it most men are just not ones to stick around and get into huge debates online about the whole thing, they are too busy out there committing the crimes Reboot: nice try, not even close!! But heck a guy can dream....right?
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