As the saying goes, what seems to good to be true ...

[Replicant]

For those of you following my threads you know I have been dating a guy who seemed too good to be true, but at the same time I haven't been able to figure out how I feel about him.

 

Anyway tonight we went out and almost everything annoyed me about him and he isn't the same as he used to me. When we started going out he didn't mention a thing about coming to pick me up then going out. Now he has started asking me to take the streetcar and subway to meet him where he lives so he doesn't have to do as much driving. (he isn't that far away, but is saying now how much driving it is ...) He will come here but there isn't much to do at night (beside a movie theater but movies suck right now) so since he won't drive far tonight we ended up walking around then driving around then made it a early night cause there was no where to go and I think I was glad to just end the night.

Almost every date he asks me what days I work, it's the same days every week and every time he asks me since we met! Stop asking me! Same goes for when the house will be finished to have ppl over, the floor isn't started and it wasn't the last 5 times you asked me, stop asking!!!

 

I just don't care about the plus side to him anymore, I don't want to kiss him and where I was curious about what sex would be like with him, now glad I never did and can't see myself wanting to.

 

Brutal... I can understand him asking to meet him if there was a good reason for it. But to offer up to a girl about the drive being too much, doesn't really add up to me being so close. Like i wrote before, there's tons of things to do in this city especially if driving around to happen upon it! So conversations on both sides which end up "What would you like to do? <I don't know??> how about you? <I dunno> are pointless to me or don't make sense.

 

Sounds though like you are being a little harsh and intolerable though, doesn't seem like you were looking for a positive note anywhere on the date. Like you were looking for reasons to shoot him down over somewhat quirky stuff. Maybe you failed to communicate such things on one hand or possibly he found it open ends to conversation asking about work or the construction..who knows!?? But regardless there's worse stuff in life than someone asking me when i work and such. It's trivial...

 

Someone whom you were writing so about being great to you maybe had a few off days. If you are willing to dismiss such things so fast than all i can say is good luck to such people with such low tolerance levels for people or relationships in general and these aces they expect life to deal them in life and love. It takes two to tango.

[sweetbutcheeky]

Brutal... I can understand him asking to meet him if there was a good reason for it. But to offer up to a girl about the drive being too much, doesn't really add up to me being so close. Like i wrote before, there's tons of things to do in this city especially if driving around to happen upon it! So conversations on both sides which end up "What would you like to do? <I don't know??> how about you? <I dunno> are pointless to me or don't make sense.

 

We were supposed to go for a drink then go to his place to relax and watch a movie, but he didn't want to drive anymore. Though we ended up driving around looking for something to do, he turned down any ideas I had. Thing is I am new to the idea and he has live in Toronto for a long time so was hoping he would take charge and think of something, anything just make a decision. Though that was just annoying and not the reason why I can't see myself with him anymore.

 

Sounds though like you are being a little harsh and intolerable though, doesn't seem like you were looking for a positive note anywhere on the date. Like you were looking for reasons to shoot him down over somewhat quirky stuff. Maybe you failed to communicate such things on one hand or possibly he found it open ends to conversation asking about work or the construction..who knows!?? But regardless there's worse stuff in life than someone asking me when i work and such. It's trivial...

 

It's not as black and white and one post though, I think this date is where I just came to realize I was looking for something that was never there. I hadn't seen him all because his brother was in town and not seeing him in my mind he seemed like what I wanted, then seeing him again was a wake up call. And no asking me for the millionth time when I work wasn't meaningful, just one of he many little things that was involved in the wake up call. I also took that though as he wasn't listening, because I told him I always work those days. If he was listening / paying attention he would remember that. It also wasn't that one date, last night was deja vu to a date last week. Is a few times now he has wanted me to trasit it to meet him when in the start he would come get me.

 

Someone whom you were writing so about being great to you maybe had a few off days. If you are willing to dismiss such things so fast than all i can say is good luck to such people with such low tolerance levels for people or relationships in general and these aces they expect life to deal them in life and love. It takes two to tango.

 

No those things were always there (or missing like chemistry) I was just trying to convince myself and hoping I could ignore it. Is actually the opposite, I have a high tolerance level. To a fault actually, have dated some guys way too long, giving the benefit of the doubt and friends telling me I can't believe you put up with that so long! Takes two to tango and 99% of the time I am the only one dancing ...

 

I also said there were good things, but with the lack of chemistry, he wasn't really listening (when I thought he was a listener before), started to make excuses now for picking me up when before he would say "doesn't bother me, only 20 mins away" ... A lot of things. We have dated for about 5 weeks and all thing time I wasn't feeling it but was trying to because of the good things but the bad and annoying out way the good ...

 

Wanting the same things (family and so on), regular calls and paying for the dates just don't seem like a reason to stay. I thought he was one to treat me like a queen but that has to warn off.

[Replicant]

Commuting in this city isn't what so many people make it out to be. I think people just love complaining about traffic issues as much as they do weather here sometimes. I myself can pretty much get to any point in this city in 30min or less outside any rush hour gridlock...normal routes, highways, suburbs, downtown. So in this case i cannot really support him in what he's going on about..him having lived here long enough to know the city well. Not only for commuting, but also for all the great places to go on a date which are almost limitless at any point in the year, just different naturally (which is a good thing ). To me this just makes him busted big time, because if you are 'really' interested and care for someone that much such things are not even a blip on the radar, they don't come up in conversation or on your mind..period! Besides he should know that sticking you on the TTC adds more travel time let alone who will be in a good mood after being stuck in that sardine can at rush hour So yes, actions speak louder than words here.

 

I agree that not only if he has lived here longer he should take charge but even if not, put some good thought into it or just be spontaneous. You don't have to look to hard here to have something come to mind really! To me it's hard to get a bearing on this dude, i don't know if he was generally just clueless, lacked interest over time, or was just playing it out to get in your pants and blew it. It does not make sense.

 

Yes typically things like being asked when one works, should be a one time question if someone is paying attention or better word 'attentive'. If your job is constant then i would think he would commit that to memory so he had some idea of when you got off work at least. If your job was more random hours\shifts, then absolutely i can see it being brought up more maybe in the sense of planning a date and working with each other so that things do work out to meaning more time together sort of thing *win\win* so i see it as trivial stuff. In time you get used to it anyways.

 

In this case, your own tolerance in the past to a fault my have become a good red flag detector or things just annoy you much easier? It's clear signs showing lack of motivation and interest are clear in this dude's case. As a new relationship this makes no sense to me at all about what he is doing. If you're in your dancing shoes and his laces are tied together so to say. So you are right for what you think. My point was tolerance towards more quirky and trivial stuff in general with some people. Scrutinizing people so harshly will just make you filter out so many good people in the end. Like all these conversations started on 'type' some people become way too delusional about the whole thing and it makes them very narrow minded in the end. By that time they have filtered out so many good candidates for what they want to suit them best they'll always be left asking the same questions their entire life.

[sweetbutcheeky]

Commuting in this city isn't what so many people make it out to be. I think people just love complaining about traffic issues as much as they do weather here sometimes. I myself can pretty much get to any point in this city in 30min or less outside any rush hour gridlock...normal routes, highways, suburbs, downtown. So in this case i cannot really support him in what he's going on about..him having lived here long enough to know the city well. Not only for commuting, but also for all the great places to go on a date which are almost limitless at any point in the year, just different naturally (which is a good thing ). To me this just makes him busted big time, because if you are 'really' interested and care for someone that much such things are not even a blip on the radar, they don't come up in conversation or on your mind..period! Besides he should know that sticking you on the TTC adds more travel time let alone who will be in a good mood after being stuck in that sardine can at rush hour So yes, actions speak louder than words here.

 

Exactly and since you know the city, to give you a better idea I am in the Beaches near Queen St East and Kingston Road and he is near Batherst and Eglington.

 

I agree that not only if he has lived here longer he should take charge but even if not, put some good thought into it or just be spontaneous. You don't have to look to hard here to have something come to mind really! To me it's hard to get a bearing on this dude, i don't know if he was generally just clueless, lacked interest over time, or was just playing it out to get in your pants and blew it. It does not make sense.

 

I don't really know a combo of everything except lacking interest. He knew I was going out today and he called me 4 times (maybe 6 I think 2 private numbers were him) and left me a txt message. I forgot my cell at home and found those when I got back.

 

Yes typically things like being asked when one works, should be a one time question if someone is paying attention or better word 'attentive'. If your job is constant then i would think he would commit that to memory so he had some idea of when you got off work at least. If your job was more random hours\shifts, then absolutely i can see it being brought up more maybe in the sense of planning a date and working with each other so that things do work out to meaning more time together sort of thing *win\win* so i see it as trivial stuff. In time you get used to it anyways.

 

When we first started going out he asked me and I told him my schedule, which is constant, hasn't changed at all. And I think he has asked me every week. If he had forgotten and asked me a second or third time or something like that, then understanding and yes trivial and probably would never had thought about it.

 

In this case, your own tolerance in the past to a fault my have become a good red flag detector or things just annoy you much easier?

 

I haven't seemed to have a red flag detector and let the wrong guys have way too many benefits of the doubt, so I don't think it clicked in with this guy! LOL I don't think it made things annoy me easier because I am easy going and let little things go or over look them. I guess there was just something about him that beside some good points, irritated me.

 

It's clear signs showing lack of motivation and interest are clear in this dude's case. As a new relationship this makes no sense to me at all about what he is doing. If you're in your dancing shoes and his laces are tied together so to say. So you are right for what you think. My point was tolerance towards more quirky and trivial stuff in general with some people. Scrutinizing people so harshly will just make you filter out so many good people in the end. Like all these conversations started on 'type' some people become way too delusional about the whole thing and it makes them very narrow minded in the end. By that time they have filtered out so many good candidates for what they want to suit them best they'll always be left asking the same questions their entire life.

 

I know what you mean, I am the advocate for keeping your mind open and thinking about everyone as a possible candidate. I am always preaching to my friends when they start filtering or only dating a certain type.

[sweetbutcheeky]

Well I did it, I told him. Not the way I would have liked, well the say I should have.

 

I was out yesterday and he knew I would be out all day, though he called me 7 times and 2 txt messages. I missed the first few because I was out and didn't hear it and then the more he called it just got to be too much and annoyed me and didn't make me want to call him back or answer the phone. So later before I went to bed I thought I should send him a txt to respond to one of his voice mail message, about wanting to meet up tonight. So I sent him a txt saying I couldn't meet tonight, that I needed to talk to him and not to buy the theater tickets yet. (he was going to call about the tickets today) At 2:30 am I get a message from him asking why I can't make it Monday. Then he calls me but I had to hide the sound and couldn't talk because I would wake my mum, I told him I can't talk on the phone. (the house is having some renos done and the doors are off my room and my mum's so she would hear me talking. He asked if I could go to the basement which we don't have and he should know that because he parked in the underground parking which is why we don't have a basement!)

 

So since he wouldn't leave it until tomorrow like I asked, I told him then by txt. I know that sounds bad. So I was telling him that I wasn't feeling the same way as him and so on and finished my txt before reading the one that he sent. I just sent him the I can't see you anymore message and then i read what he sent me and said that I hope you can still make it tomorrow, that he wanted to talk to me too, that he wanted to be boyfriend/girlfriend and take it to the next level. Ugh brutal!

So once he reads my message he says "oh, I don't know what to say, that he doesn't want to loose what we have and can't we just leave things the way they are and date casually". I told him no because it would be leading him on and not fair to me or him. He said ok, but wanted to talk tomorrow. Well there was a little more in between but that's the main portion. He hasn't called yet and I hope that he leaves it there and doesn't call. I don't want to have to go through it again or have him ask me to keeping seeing each other.

 

Thing is he said about what we had and has said little things like how great we communicated and chemistry. I don't know if he sees things very differently from his perspective but we haven't had any deep talks or anything to have communicated, I haven't really wanted to touch or kiss him so I don't know where the chemistry came in and we have just been casually dating so what did we have?

 

Sorry for the long post.

[Krytie TV]

Thing is he said about what we had and has said little things like how great we communicated and chemistry. I don't know if he sees things very differently from his perspective but we haven't had any deep talks or anything to have communicated, I haven't really wanted to touch or kiss him so I don't know where the chemistry came in and we have just been casually dating so what did we have?

 

Sounds like he had a very persistent delusional fantasy. His repeated calling behavior plus his exaggeration of the feelings involved in the relationship make it VERY clear that he is clingy and insecure. You did the right thing. Even if he does call you might want to consider just leaving it be and ignoring it... or at least not meeting with him. These kinds of personalities can be very draining to deal with in times like this.

[sweetbutcheeky]

Sounds like he had a very persistent delusional fantasy. His repeated calling behavior plus his exaggeration of the feelings involved in the relationship make it VERY clear that he is clingy and insecure. You did the right thing. Even if he does call you might want to consider just leaving it be and ignoring it... or at least not meeting with him. These kinds of personalities can be very draining to deal with in times like this.

 

He said he would call in the morning, which he didn't. He also usually called at his lunch break and didn't. So I am hoping that he is going to leave it be and understood that I wasn't changing my mind. If he does I will feel bad but will probably ignore it because I said everything that there is to say, no point in stretching it out when things won't change.

 

Thanks

[Replicant]

I think his whole thought on telling you to take the public transit falls right in with many other instances where he doesn't look like he puts much thought into or is sort of oblivious. I don't understand the logic behind him saying that, I know Eglington east can be busy at rush hour as i have to take it. But he could make good time down the DVP south...many options here but all less time than the TTC....So saying that he couldn't have been more wrong here, this being something he should have taken charge of without thinking. At least this way you get the whole pick her up 'drop her off' times of the dates. Not just dropping you at the closest TTC station like at one of those "kiss and ride" dropoff points and let some romantic sparks fly before paying for your tokens

 

After sort of reading between the lines, he sounds more obsessive. Like the nice attentiveness may have been more controlling in a subtle way? Like asking you things multiple times, may not be because he forgets but a constant need to know or his way kind of thing? Still calling a girl when you know she's going to be away all day. Once i can understand at some point later and maybe a text if she has no voicemail but THAT many times. Woah, that's too much. Then to crate all that drama late at night is disrespectful to you and your mom. All the rest is just a warning sign, like if he cannot remember when you work or that your parking garage means there is no basement. How would a deep conversation ever be remembered let alone

 

Anyways, like you say he may be looking at it differently beyond that of casual dating, and not seeing things he was doing wrong. If you mentioned them he probably wouldn't realize or not think they were a big deal, like explaining why you broke it off. That said breaking up with him might be as difficult as how he may look at things and/or perceive them. If he persists on thinking there is other levels in which you can continue seeing one another. Just tell him you realized you were into women... got in touch with your inner lesbian..Just take yourself right off the market in his mind. Either that or sharpen your claws and let him have it!

[sweetbutcheeky]

Just tell him you realized you were into women... got in touch with your inner lesbian..Just take yourself right off the market in his mind. Either that or sharpen your claws and let him have it!

 

LOL Or tell him he turned me to the other sex? Luckily he hasn't called so hopefully I don't have to worry about it or him anymore!

 

Than you for your detailed response and I think you hit the nail on the head so to speak and saw him and the situation perfectly for what it is.

[sweetbutcheeky]

OMG Just when I think he is gone and it's over and I don't have to deal with it and him anymore. He called tonight and left a message on my cell wanting me to call him back so we can talk about things and he can see where I at.

 

UGH! I though that since he didn't call the day after I broke it off with him like he said he would that he took the hint! Now it looks like he was just busy and hasn't taken the hint!