Sweets1919 Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 I have been dating my boyfriend for just over one year. I am 33 and he is 31. We live an hour and a half apart and see each other most weekends. Back in May he and I had a talk about commitment. He had told me after only a few months of dating that he loved me, that he was going to marry me one day and that he would never break up with me. So, as time went on and he never mentioned 'commitment' again, I began to wonder. In May we had a bit of a falling out because he didn't want to be pressured. I told him I just wanted to know where we stood. He said that he had just bought a house (which he had) and that he had no way to pay for a wedding so it definitely would not happen in 2007 or 2008....MAYBE 2009 at the earliest he said. He has also said he will never live with me before marriage (he's never lived with a girlfriend) so that means we would be long distance for at least two more years, when I will be turning 36. However, he is a lawyer and tells me all the time how he makes ten thousand a month....so it irks me that used money as an excuse to having a commitment. Last week a friend from high school (a guy) called and said he wanted to come to town to visit me. I have known him for 20 years, had a crush on him in high school, have had sporadic contact with him for the last ten years and last saw him 3 years ago. He is married (has been for ten years) and has three kids. My boyfriend knows all of that. I mentioned it to my boyfriend and he did not want me to see the guy even for lunch. He said to me "I'm not telling you what to do, but I won't be happy if you go meet him and I probably won't answer the phone the next day if you call me". So this week we were talking about just things in general and I mentioned something about my cat living at his house "one day". He has said things in the past about it "being my house one day" so I wasn't bringing that up for the first time or anything. My cat is 9 years old and has always been with me. He has allergies, but spends time with the cat when he comes to my house and actually he cuddles with her, plays with her and asks me about her. So, in response to me, he says that the cat will never come to his house, that he has a pet free home and that I'll have to make other arrangements for her. He prides himself on being stubborn so I don't like to get into it with him about the cat because it's not like we're engaged and I'm moving there anytime soon, but it bugs me that he seems ok with making me upset. Actually the thing that brought all this on today was that his cousin was going to my bf house tonight for dinner (I declined as I'm in grad school and have an assignment) and the cousin was going to bring his dog. My bf was not happy about it but his cousin did bring the dog and it was in the kitchen when I talked to him (in a pen). I said "And here I thought my cat would be the first animal in your house" and that's when he said the cat would never come. Part of me thinks he says that just to bug me, but then I wonder what kind of sick mind wants to hurt me or worry me just because he can?! It got me wondering if he is, in fact, selfish. Over the last year he has told me how things are for him and what he will not compromise: -I can never complain that he works too much -I must sign a prenup if we get married -He will never leave his town so I'll have to move to him. -We will not be getting married before 2009 (at the earliest)...even though I am concerned about my age and having children down the road. -If we have children, he will not be in the delivery room with me. -He will never change a baby's diaper so that will be up to me 100%. At first I thought some of the things, like the delivery room, were quirks and his personality. But now that I think about it, I wonder if he is just very selfish. My mom is encouraging me to give it a few more months and if I don't have a ring by the end of Christmas holidays, to pack it in with him because he is not going to propose. I want him to "WANT" to be with me and think it would be great to live in the same house, same community and build a life together. But the more demanding and selfish he seems, the more I wonder if I even want someone like that long term. Help!!!
norajane Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 Some of those items on the list are pretty grim - you can't ever say anything about him working too much? No diaper changing? It doesn't sound like he will be much a part of your children's lives, does it? Of course, for me, the cat and 'HIS pet free house' would be the deal breaker. If a guy wouldn't accept my cat in 'his' house, then we won't be living together - period. You know him best. Do you want to spend your life with someone so rigid and uncompromising?
glittergurl Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 I'm sorry, but he sounds too selfish for marriage. He wants his house the way he wants it, no pets, no this no that, too expensive, blah blah blah. All excuses. I would not waste my time with it. Or I would at least have a very open talk with him about it, because it's obviously not gonna go anywhere the way it is now. A lot of broke people get married, live together and deal with each other's pets ... his excuses suck.
sfsassy Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 I have been dating my boyfriend for just over one year. I am 33 and he is 31. We live an hour and a half apart and see each other most weekends. Back in May he and I had a talk about commitment. He had told me after only a few months of dating that he loved me, that he was going to marry me one day and that he would never break up with me. So, as time went on and he never mentioned 'commitment' again, I began to wonder. In May we had a bit of a falling out because he didn't want to be pressured. I told him I just wanted to know where we stood. He said that he had just bought a house (which he had) and that he had no way to pay for a wedding so it definitely would not happen in 2007 or 2008....MAYBE 2009 at the earliest he said. He has also said he will never live with me before marriage (he's never lived with a girlfriend) so that means we would be long distance for at least two more years, when I will be turning 36. However, he is a lawyer and tells me all the time how he makes ten thousand a month....so it irks me that used money as an excuse to having a commitment. Last week a friend from high school (a guy) called and said he wanted to come to town to visit me. I have known him for 20 years, had a crush on him in high school, have had sporadic contact with him for the last ten years and last saw him 3 years ago. He is married (has been for ten years) and has three kids. My boyfriend knows all of that. I mentioned it to my boyfriend and he did not want me to see the guy even for lunch. He said to me "I'm not telling you what to do, but I won't be happy if you go meet him and I probably won't answer the phone the next day if you call me". So this week we were talking about just things in general and I mentioned something about my cat living at his house "one day". He has said things in the past about it "being my house one day" so I wasn't bringing that up for the first time or anything. My cat is 9 years old and has always been with me. He has allergies, but spends time with the cat when he comes to my house and actually he cuddles with her, plays with her and asks me about her. So, in response to me, he says that the cat will never come to his house, that he has a pet free home and that I'll have to make other arrangements for her. He prides himself on being stubborn so I don't like to get into it with him about the cat because it's not like we're engaged and I'm moving there anytime soon, but it bugs me that he seems ok with making me upset. Actually the thing that brought all this on today was that his cousin was going to my bf house tonight for dinner (I declined as I'm in grad school and have an assignment) and the cousin was going to bring his dog. My bf was not happy about it but his cousin did bring the dog and it was in the kitchen when I talked to him (in a pen). I said "And here I thought my cat would be the first animal in your house" and that's when he said the cat would never come. Part of me thinks he says that just to bug me, but then I wonder what kind of sick mind wants to hurt me or worry me just because he can?! It got me wondering if he is, in fact, selfish. Over the last year he has told me how things are for him and what he will not compromise: -I can never complain that he works too much -I must sign a prenup if we get married -He will never leave his town so I'll have to move to him. -We will not be getting married before 2009 (at the earliest)...even though I am concerned about my age and having children down the road. -If we have children, he will not be in the delivery room with me. -He will never change a baby's diaper so that will be up to me 100%. At first I thought some of the things, like the delivery room, were quirks and his personality. But now that I think about it, I wonder if he is just very selfish. My mom is encouraging me to give it a few more months and if I don't have a ring by the end of Christmas holidays, to pack it in with him because he is not going to propose. I want him to "WANT" to be with me and think it would be great to live in the same house, same community and build a life together. But the more demanding and selfish he seems, the more I wonder if I even want someone like that long term. Help!!! yo I think you need to break up with him. He seems like my ex, and it is not a good thing. It is just going to get worse, and though it will be heartbreaking now, when you are married it will be much harder to escape. I didn't marry my ex, but have a friend who is divorcing from that type of man, and she is going through a lot, because her soon to be ex just wants everything his way, and she is having to do so much legal manuevering just to get what she deserves. Get out, before you are intertwined financially or with kids. Believe me I thought I had it bad with my breakup, but at least I never have t speak to the turd again, unlike my ex!
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