Lsjayhawkgirl Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 Okay you all, I am new to this site, I've been checking out some of the other threads to see if I could find any advice on my current situation... There is a lot of great advice you all have given!! I'm sure my situation is not something all that uncommon, however.. Im sure I am going to get a lot of slack from a lot of you, but before you leave nasty remarks, please read the whole story and look at it from both sides. This is probably going to be long, so bear with me... I'll start from the beginning... I started dating this guy (My current husband) when I was 16 and he was 21.. We pretty much grew up together... His younger sister and I were best friends, and thats how him and I started getting close.. He was my first "real" boyfriend. All my friends in High School thought I was cool cause I had an "older" boyfriend.. lol.. And I really thought I loved him!! Anyway, after being together for a little over a year, I gave up my virginity to him. We continued to have sex during my Senior year in high school... **Just a side note.. my mom was not happy about this relationship at ALL.. she told me I needed to just date around and not be so serious yet.. I, being 17 years old.. thought I knew it all.. I told her I was in love and I wanted to marry him as soon as possible!! My parents were very strict, so I wanted more than anything to be with my man, and have them leave me ALONE about it.. Ok.. so back to the having sex thing... SOoo.. I ended up finding out I was pregnant TWO days after I graduated from HS. I was devistated, but in some ways super excited.. I thought this might be my chance to get out of the house and be on my OWN!! I told my parents and they were upset, of course.. But, my mom, being a very religious person (We grew up in church) Told me.. "It will look bad (to the people in church) if you dont get married, not that you are pregnant!!) So.. I took her advice.. and we got married like a MONTH after I graduated.. And that is when all HELL started. I'm not even going to go into detail because I could probably write a freaking book about it.. But, it was like ever since we got married.. I haven't had any feeling towards him at all.. There has been a lot of things he has done to help (or not help) too.. It hasnt been ALL me.. SO.. here is my problem now. We've now been married for almost 7 and a half years.. I am now 25 and he's 30. We've both grown up a lot more (still have a ways to go.. ) We have another child.. so now we have a son together, who will be 7 in January, and a little girl who will be 4 in less than a month. I am just stuck in this big fat rut because I am not in love with him.. haven't been for at LEAST the last 3-4 years. I have tried to tell him this, in the nicest way possible.. I told him it wasnt working like 3 years ago, and even seperated from him for about 5 months, but was not able to support myself during that time.. I have cheated on him about 5 times.. which he knows (that's the part I know Im gonna get a lot of sh*t about... ) I hate that I have done that to him. He has never (to my acknowledgement) cheated on me.. he wants the marriage to work, he says he is head over heels in love with me.. I just dont know what to do. I just can not make myself love him. I'm not even attracted to him anymore. I want a divorce, and he knows that, but he is trying to do everything to get me to stay.. The only reason I have been staying here is because of my financial situation.. I just got a new job that I start in 2 days.. Im even starting to look for places to live. I guess what I am most concerned about it the kids. We've talked about what kind of arrangement we will make for the kids, and I think we both agree on joint custody. We are both good, loving parents, and we want the best for our kids. I think he wants to be the primary (or whatever they call it) parent.. I dont know anything about legal stuff when it comes to this.. All I want is to move out, start over, and make a new life for me and my kids. I know he will always be a part of my life.. and I even hope to remain friends with him.. I just dont know whats going to most likely happen with the kids. And there is no way I would be able to pay him child support! I will barely be able to make it on my own. Im just so stressed out about all of this.. It's almost too much.. I know a lot of you are now judging me because I cheated (and not just once) And I do feel horrible about it.. I havent done that for a long time now.. And I dont plan on doing it anymore. I want to do the right things.. I really do. I'm 25 and I want to get my life started!! I just need some good advice.. From people who have maybe been through this and know where I'm coming from.. I desperately need some wisdom. I feel so lost.. Thank you for taking the time to read this... I left so much out of this, but trust me.. you would be reading for hours if I would have put it all in here. Thanks Again, LS in KC, MO
Gunny376 Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 You got married too young, (AND I say that knowing that YOU already fully and completely comprehend and understand that ~ albiet a little too late?) It matters not how you come to find yourself where your at. What matters? Is WHAT your going to do about it? The reason that I bring up the fact that you got married too young, is that you didn't give yourself enough time to find out who and what your about? What you want and need in life as a person, as an individual, as a woman. Children? Children complicates things ~ but that doesn't mean you can't and won't get through it? You will. Your situation is worse than some, but better than most? The first and foremost thing to understand ~ is that the children's welfare comes first! Not yours, not his! A lot your options when it comes to yours and his wants and needs went out the window the day they were born! "Primary Custody" means that he's gets the "day-to-day" responsbility and custody of the children, and you're relegated to "vistation" on designated days, weekends, and holidays. That is to say? You want get to be with nor see your kids everyday. "Joint Custody" means you pretty much evenly split. They're with you for a week, they're with him for a week. You don't pay him child support, he doesn't pay you child support. But when the children are with you and in your care? You foot the bill for thier care. Mentally and emotionally you've already checked out of the marriage? And un-fortunately when it comes to so-called "in love?" While some can "fake it until they make it!" Most can't! In your particular case? I belive the two of you should split apart for awhile! Not divorce? Just live apart and go NC (No contact ~ or at least minimum contact!) You? You need to explore life on its own terms, single, alone, completely alone. Without being dependent on anyone. Not any man! Not a husband! Not a parent! You need to decalare your "emotional independece" to such that you don't need any man (let alone anyone else) for validation of your self worth as a person, as an individual, as a woman! You need to find your validation from within ~ not without! That's not to say you should join a convent, become a nun, a hermit, go to work and come home to an empty apartment, etc. But you need some "alone" to find out who and what you're about? You need to find out what your "interests" are? Develope some hobbies. You need to take "emotional" control of yourself, and learn how to be in control of your "emotional" energy! You need to learn self discipline and control. I don't judge you that you have have five affairs outside of your marriage? I "judge slowly!" But that does speak volumes about the necessary "WORK" that is in store for you? The "work" that you've got to do sooner or later? Be it now? Or be it later? It speaks volumes about the growth that YOU as an individual has to EVENTUALLY come to terms with? And you have a lot of work to do! You at 25 have a lot to learn! The last thing you need is a "MAN" in your life! I begged, I pleaded, I did everything I could to get my daughter to comprehend and understand to "position" herself in life to where she and her children would NEVER have to be dependent upon ANY man for so much as spit if she so much as caught on fire! She's done that! To an extent! And I'm proud of her for for it! I've raised her to where she's a Mel, or Lady Jane! She's doesn't play! She won't put up with any BS from some man! She'll put his azz to the curb quick, fast and in a hurry like! As my SIL has learned! Because she introduced his azz to "Mr. Reality" early on! "Tushie~Baby" (Family nick-name) set his azz from Texas straight from the "get-go" You guys? Divorce? You just need to give it some time! Give it some time? Don't be a "fool" get your azz back into school! Learn how to be married! Learn how to love! Learn how to be married! Take some time out! Read some books! Go to IC! Go to MC! Take some time off from each other! Take some time off from the marriage! Quit trying to solve your problems in one day! Chill the f**k out! Go down to a pond, a lake, watch the ducks! Watch the sun set! Feel the wind! Catch a breeze! Rub a little sunshine on your face! Go to the beach! Go your happy azz to the lake! Drink some wine! HELL! Drink some tequila! Get drunk! But? By God?! Be damn glad your alive! That your children are healthy and alive! That you're "better off than most, but worse than some!" HELL! All tha' crap I've been through? I just happy to wake up sucking air and see the sun rise ~ with some grits and butter on the side!
VIP Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 You cannot be in love forever, any relationship that starts from love normally turns into friendship. Because that's the way it is, everything new becomes old. Marriage means committment and work. Your children don't need a new life, they need a family. I think you better think hard before you destroy your family.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 I feel sorry for your children and your husband. Because what you dont realize is that, once you leave , if you leave your husband for someone else. Over time being with him becomes routine and your still stuck in the same old rut. you got to reivorgorate your marriage. You cheated five times?!?!? Have you even checked yourself out for any STD's What if you got aids? And your assuming that your just gonna walk away with the kids, that may not be possible! You might have to get 50/50 and you move out of the house. Not everything works out for the woman in divorce court. Get some counceling and tell your husband the truth he deserves to know. It isnt his fault. Your such an F-up! Good luck to you.
Melovator Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 I'm 25 and I want to get my life started!! First thing - your life has already started, you are living it now. You are never going to be all Sex and the City, martinis and pretty shoes. You have children and you can resent the fact that you were a child yourself when you had them or you can realise that your children did not choose to be born, they did not ask you to bring them into the world. You are the parent and your needs come a waaaay distant second to theirs. Your thread doesn't read like you're unintelligent, young and foolish yes, but not stupid. What have you been doing with your brain? Have you undertaken any study since having your children. (And don't tell me it can't be done- I know plenty of women who've done it and intend doing it myself next year.) To be perfectly frank- I think you're bored and you expect your H to be a constant source of amusement/ stimulation for you because that's what girls expect of their bf's in High School. It doesn't work that way in a marriage, especially with young children. Hormones wear off, that tingly feeling in your stomach goes away and then being 'in love' becomes work, a comittment you renew every day at every opportunity you get. You say there's way more to your situation but what you've written here reads like your H is the responsible one, that you're prepared to leave your children with him to do what you want, and also don't actually seem to have a clear idea of just what that is... Being married or a parent doesn't mean you stop growing as a person, it gives you a framework for that growth. Who we are is not based on 'roles', e.g. wife, mother. Who we are is who we decide we are going to be. Its a choice. You can give up the roles but I don't think its going to make it any clearer to you who you are, if you actually don't know what sort of person you want to be. Maybe you need to give it all up to realise that the grass might be greener on the other side but it takes just as long to mow the d@mn stuff. I wish you and your children the best and hope that their emotional and physical needs are put first no matter what you decide to do.
Gunny376 Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Ask not a Spartain's woman's advice unless your a Spartian Woman!! Marry me! :love::love: You Aussie Girl! You remind me of the quote from the movie "The 300" ~ "Obviosuly you don't know our women?! I might as well march them up here as from what I've seen thus far today?!" OOOORaaaaha! Mel!
Gunny376 Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 :love:Ask not a Spartain's woman's advice unless your a Spartian Woman!! Marry me! :love::love: You Aussie Girl! You remind me of the quote from the movie "The 300" ~ "Obviosuly you don't know our women?! I might as well march them up here as from what I've seen thus far today?!" OOOORaaaaha! Mel! BUT? SERIOUSLY? Mel, Missey, Mz Prixie, and of course LJ, (and others) you've all shown me that I just married a weak minded woman ~ and shown me the clear path that I need and want a strong minded, independent individual of a woman! Of substance and charcther! With "spit and vingear in their eye" and some raw-hide in their hide! Someone with a little "Hell~Ya!" in their soul! Thanks gals! Gotta LOVE women! Espically of Spartian blood and creed! :love:
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