Author ladybug63 Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 If you say so. But it seems singularly lacking in values. Your opinion are you upset that you are not getting anything?
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Maybe not. Meaning.....That you think his wife knows he's been spending shi.tloads of money on you? Let's not forget I am/was getting things. So what need to be appiled? It hasn't been that long since you and him stopped having sex. You still though are IN an affair with him. It's an emotional one and just a continuation of the affair.
IpAncA Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Don't get me wrong this A was great for 4 years and still was good but he don't realize to end the A would be in our best intrest. Do anyone agree? Our best interest? According to him it's not in HIS best interest. Sorry but like others said he'll end it when he's good and ready and judging by 4 years, I doubt it will end tomorrow unless you do. What a control nut.
Author ladybug63 Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 Meaning.....That you think his wife knows he's been spending shi.tloads of money on you? Probably not but again that is his choice. Would I be better just having an A with him and not get anything but emotions. Let's face it this is a real world and only those that play games get game played with them. Why is that such an issue that he spend money on me, I was having an A with him. Not to be just a lay. It hasn't been that long since you and him stopped having sex. You still though are IN an affair with him. It's an emotional one and just a continuation of the affair. Ok but we have been in a 4 year A. it didn't just begin now I would see you saying these things if the A was recent but this is a 4 year A.
Curmudgeon Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Your opinion are you upset that you are not getting anything? I'm a 61-year old man who is blessed with a faithful wife in a marriage of 11 year's duration. It has followed a failed marriage after 25 years with someone who wasn't faithful. I'm getting plenty, LadyBug. But I'm getting it all at home. Most of all I have peace of mind! I can also look myself in the face in the mirror without flinching and will be able to, forever after, look at this marriage/relationship and honestly say, "No regrets!" There is both equality and mutuality. It's a powerful combination!
Curmudgeon Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 HIS money is THEIR money? Only if they're married in community of property. Otherwise it's HIS money, from which he'll contribute some to the communal pot (as will she). Any money coming into the household/marriage should be for the joint benefit regardless of community property laws or any other consideration. If it's not spent for the common good then someone is being cheated by the cheater.
OWoman Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 ugh... this whole OW thing is getting to me... OW judging OW. she can hold her head up as equal. geesh I wasn't judging ladybug - I was realising what the attraction was that kept her interested in maintaining the R. As I said, it's not something I'd easily consider - too much power ceded, for me to feel comfortable - but if it works for her, that's her business and she should enjoy the benefits. And yes, what's wrong with equality in a relationship? It's a sine qua non for me in ANY kind of relationship, with anyone (except a dependent for whom one is responsible).
Author ladybug63 Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 I'm a 61-year old man who is blessed with a faithful wife in a marriage of 11 year's duration. It has followed a failed marriage after 25 years with someone who wasn't faithful. I'm getting plenty, LadyBug. But I'm getting it all at home. Most of all I have peace of mind! I can also look myself in the face in the mirror without flinching and will be able to, forever after, look at this marriage/relationship and honestly say, "No regrets!" There is both equality and mutuality. It's a powerful combination! That is just wonderful for your recent marriage. Due to your failed M is that why you are trying to bash me? I'm not cheating on anyone. I have a peace of mind also. The sad thing about A's why is it the ow/om have to be blamed? remember not every one in an A is m. And believe me when the A is officially over, I still will have no regrets. And I will still survive.
lovelorcet Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Well... He is giving you money, and lots of it. It is not his money but both his wife's money. So you are stealing a number of different recourse from this women. An important part of being human is something called empathy, your behavior as well as MM's show you have very little of this. That is why you are also partly to blame, and rightfully so.
pinochleprincess Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 I have a peace of mind also. People with "peace of mind" don't seek out reassurance from online forums only to argue with each person who essentially answer "no" to the question "do anyone agree". Quit being defensive and read the answers to the question YOU ASKED. No, there is probably not a single person here that AGREES with you.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 The sad thing about A's why is it the ow/om have to be blamed? Because a good deal of people see infidelity as an emotional crime. You, as an OW are a knowing and willing accessory to this emotional crime. As an accessory to said crime, you are equally responsible for it. Still don't see it? Of course not. You are in love, and you benefit from this relationship. So, how can you begin to see it from the POV of someone who does blame you? Let's throw together a bit of a straw man, exaggerate things a little bit, and put them into a very different context and see what happens. I'll liken it to a horrifying and exaggerated example so that you can see the logic from the point of view of someone who finds what you do reprehensible. Since you don't see what you are doing as reprehensible, lets use an example of something you DO find reprehensible, and put it into a similar context so that you can see how the thought process works. Let's say you know someone who is a pedophile rapist, and who is looking for a victim. You know that he is looking, and instead of telling anyone to stop it - you actually go along with him to help him find a victim. He finds one, and proceeds to rape the child. Not only do you watch, but you act as a lookout to make sure that the rapist doesn't get caught in the act. Then you continue to lie and deceive to make sure he doesn't get nailed for it. If he does get caught, you lie to get him out of it. You didn't rape a child. Its not your fault the child was raped, right? Um no. You knew he was going to, you helped it happen, and you helped the rapist get away with it. And you continue to do so. Guess what? You are also to blame in this situation. Now, I'm not saying that an affair is akin to rape or child molestation. I was using that as an example of something that you find as reprehensible as a betrayed person finds what you do reprehensible. Sometimes you need an exaggerated context before you can even begin to see something from another person's point of view - particularly one you don't agree with.
reboot Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 A bit horrifying, but it does make the point. Nice post.
OWoman Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Let's say you know someone who is a pedophile rapist, and who is looking for a victim. You know that he is looking, and instead of telling anyone to stop it - you actually go along with him to help him find a victim. He finds one, and proceeds to rape the child. Not only do you watch, but you act as a lookout to make sure that the rapist doesn't get caught in the act. Then you continue to lie and deceive to make sure he doesn't get nailed for it. If he does get caught, you lie to get him out of it. LB - you're likening the BS to a child victim of rape? I'm not sure how far you're wanting to stretch this analogy, so let me test that, first, before I fire off a response that might be off the mark....
reboot Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Not that I should speak for her, but LB - you're likening the BS to a child victim of rape? I'm not sure how far you're wanting to stretch this analogy, so let me test that, first, before I fire off a response that might be off the mark.... Now, I'm not saying that an affair is akin to rape or child molestation. She's just making an (exaggerated) point.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 I think the bolded part in my post was pretty clear that I don't liken affairs to child rape or molestation. Ladybug doesn't understand how others can blame her for participating in an affair. I picked the most horrible and exaggerated example I could come up with, put together a straw man and put what she was doing in that a different context so that she could see how someone might blame her. Do I think she is like someone who would watch a child get raped and do nothing, and worse yet protect the perpetrator? No. I do not. I don't think anyone else here does either. However, there are people who find affairs to be no worse than emotional rape and murder, and see OW as willing enablers of the worst emotional pain they thought was possible - and they do hold the OW as responsible as the man who cheated on them. As an OW who is in love and benefits from this situation, she cannot see things from the BW point of view. I chose a context that pretty much everyone would agree is the worst you can get, so that she would understand why someone would blame a person who helps someone else do something that is wrong, regardless of what benefits you get from it. As for likening anyone to the BW/MM/OW in that scenario - The focus was ENTIRELY on the role of the lookout, the enabler, the accessory to the crime - not the victim or the perpetrator.
Curmudgeon Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 I think she was using a graphic example to show the OP that there is an element of responsibility, deceit and culpability, nothing more. She didn't compare the two situations in terms of reprehensibility.
Curmudgeon Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 I'm not trying to bash you, just debunk your claim of no culpability. No, you're not cheating on someone but you're cheating with someone which means you are cheating his wife out of what should be an exclusive relationship, not to mention household assets.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 I think she was using a graphic example to show the OP that there is an element of responsibility, deceit and culpability, nothing more. She didn't compare the two situations in terms of reprehensibility. Yes, that is it in a nutshell.
Author ladybug63 Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 Well... He is giving you money, and lots of it. It is not his money but both his wife's money. So you are stealing a number of different recourse from this women. An important part of being human is something called empathy, your behavior as well as MM's show you have very little of this. That is why you are also partly to blame, and rightfully so. Again that is HIS choice. I'm stealing? How's that? He's giving. Again your opinion.
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Again that is HIS choice. I'm stealing? How's that? He's giving. Again your opinion. You do/did have the choice to say no. It isn't right to take his money considering he isn't YOUR HUSBAND. You don't live with him, you don't share expenses with him, you don't have children with him....It's just so inappropriate...Though I know you can't see that.
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 If he came to you, asking for 2,000 bucks, would you gladly hand it over to him? And, we're not talking about him having to pay you back. How would you feel?
lovelorcet Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Again that is HIS choice. I'm stealing? How's that? He's giving. Again your opinion. Empathy... Something you are lacking.
Author ladybug63 Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 People with "peace of mind" don't seek out reassurance from online forums only to argue with each person who essentially answer "no" to the question "do anyone agree". Quit being defensive and read the answers to the question YOU ASKED. No, there is probably not a single person here that AGREES with you. Apparently you haven't read my thread from the beginning. No one is officially giving advice about that they are pretty much elaborating on the $ issue which was not my question. They refrained from answering my question to going to the part about MM giving me money again which was not the question.
Author ladybug63 Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 I think the bolded part in my post was pretty clear that I don't liken affairs to child rape or molestation. Ladybug doesn't understand how others can blame her for participating in an affair. I picked the most horrible and exaggerated example I could come up with, put together a straw man and put what she was doing in that a different context so that she could see how someone might blame her. Do I think she is like someone who would watch a child get raped and do nothing, and worse yet protect the perpetrator? No. I do not. I don't think anyone else here does either. However, there are people who find affairs to be no worse than emotional rape and murder, and see OW as willing enablers of the worst emotional pain they thought was possible - and they do hold the OW as responsible as the man who cheated on them. As an OW who is in love and benefits from this situation, she cannot see things from the BW point of view. I chose a context that pretty much everyone would agree is the worst you can get, so that she would understand why someone would blame a person who helps someone else do something that is wrong, regardless of what benefits you get from it. As for likening anyone to the BW/MM/OW in that scenario - The focus was ENTIRELY on the role of the lookout, the enabler, the accessory to the crime - not the victim or the perpetrator. Are you guys reading my thread from the beginning, I said I want to end the A so why do I have to go through all these stipulations? My question was do anyone agree. I'm not in love I promise you that.
lovelorcet Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 I'm not in love I promise you that. So why even start, or continue with the A. You lead us to believe that you are in it for the money. I agree that is a good idea to end the A, and that it is an even better idea to never start one.
Recommended Posts