Weak Week 3

[carrotgirl]

Someone mentioned depression. Now, I feel very sad and depressed indeed but I'm not becoming a hermit!

 

Instead I'm feeding whatever imp inside needs feeding and checking on the ex from afar. Weak of me I know, but it's on the way from the market, the train, the coffee shop.

 

Well it's the weekend again and he hasn't left his flat AGAIN! He hasn't left his place except for work and school since he broke up with me. And now I have a front row seat for work. Bluh.

 

I took Cat to vet for checkup, did the grocery shopping, dropped off the cleaning, bought a new dress for no good reason, went for bike ride, and he still hasn't left his flat.

 

This is not normal behaviour is it? I know it's not normal for him but really, this isn't normal dumper behaviour is it?

 

Carrot

[gman0hsev]

I dunno maybe he is regretting breaking up with you? It could also be that he is having a stressful school/work week and is working instead of going out. If you are worried about him ask how he is doing, correct me if im wrong but from what I read of your post you are concerned for him.

[AriaIncognito]

While his behavior might not be construed as "normal" to you, your behavior is definitely not construed as normal to society. I'd stop with the stalking, if I were you. It's not going to get you anywhere good.

[carrotgirl]

I have no illusions about his regretting his decision. Despite what our friends have said, this isn't going to be one of those second chance stories.

 

This is the third weekend in a row where he hasn't left his flat. He's made it plain he doesn't go out at night during the weeknights either. I believe it.

 

Let's just say I love him and so, yah, I'm concerned for his well being. I think it's really unhealthy to sit around inside all day and all night even if one is very busy with school.

 

But I don't like him very much right now and if he's suffering, well, I'm not going to know and I'm not going interfere. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little satisfied that his life is sucking too.

 

And if he's not leaving his place at all, his life has got to be sucking. But why? This is what he wanted. He wanted no more Carrot. He was only having a life when I was around? That can't be right. Can it?

[Spinderella]

Just because you dump someone, doesn't mean you dont miss them, and also have to get over them. I've done this lots of times. I knew that the relationship would not go anywhere, and so I broke things off rather than string things along, for both of us. Still though, I sat for a good month or two, miserable and depressed and actually feeling lovesick. Thats why its never good for a dumpee to keep in contact for long, because, of course the dumpers confusion will mess them up.

I have read alot of your threads and dont think you have spoken to him since the initial break up. Thats good. If you have to spy from afar, just to get you through this time, then fine. If you feel its hindering your acceptance though, then maybe you could take another route or something? Or duck under the window?

I'm quite lucky in that my last few exes I never had chance of crossing paths. I know all too well the temptations of looking stunning and "accidently" bumping into them somewhere or other.

[carrotgirl]

While his behavior might not be construed as "normal" to you, your behavior is definitely not construed as normal to society. I'd stop with the stalking, if I were you. It's not going to get you anywhere good.

 

If he happens to look out of his window (because he obviously never leaves) and sees me several floors down walking or riding by, key word BY, in broad daylight with Cat in a box or groceries, so be it.

 

I already copped to personal weakness so get stuffed with the name calling eh?

 

Carrot

[AriaIncognito]

If he happens to look out of his window (because he obviously never leaves) and sees me several floors down walking or riding by, key word BY, in broad daylight with Cat in a box or groceries, so be it.

 

I already copped to personal weakness so get stuffed with the name calling eh?

 

Carrot

 

I dont believe I called you a name. I merely stated that repeatedly going by ones exes for no reason other than to see if they have left, isn't considered normal. I don't think that statement is far fetched.

[carrotgirl]

I have read alot of your threads and dont think you have spoken to him since the initial break up. Thats good. If you have to spy from afar, just to get you through this time, then fine. If you feel its hindering your acceptance though, then maybe you could take another route or something? Or duck under the window?

I'm quite lucky in that my last few exes I never had chance of crossing paths. I know all too well the temptations of looking stunning and "accidently" bumping into them somewhere or other.

 

Yah. Unless spoken to, I have nothing to say. He broke my heart. What is left for me to say? I don't need my things back badly enough to get them or have him bring them to me. I don't want to talk over what went wrong.

 

I don't have any we're really in love fantasies. He said he didn't love me. What more is there for me to know on that score? Mostly I am curious as to why he's holed up alone ALL OF THE TIME unless he's at my office or the local coffee shop only when I'm there.

[carrotgirl]

I dont believe I called you a name. I merely stated that repeatedly going by ones exes for no reason other than to see if they have left, isn't considered normal. I don't think that statement is far fetched.

 

Fair is fair. Amended to say accusation Sheesh. I'm not stalking. I'm observing. Coming and going. I suppose I could go out of my way to another train station or another market but that's a little silly.

 

Is he stalking me when he shows up at my office all of a sudden as a consultant? I don't think his decision to work there was out of wanting to be closer to me.

 

I will say It's a huge weight lifted now that I know the odds of seeing him out with friends or at the market or anywhere else are very low, at least for the time being.

[AriaIncognito]

Fair is fair. Amended to say accusation Sheesh. I'm not stalking. I'm observing. Coming and going. I suppose I could go out of my way to another train station or another market but that's a little silly.

 

Is he stalking me when he shows up at my office all of a sudden as a consultant? I don't think his decision to work there was out of wanting to be closer to me.

 

I will say It's a huge weight lifted now that I know the odds of seeing him out with friends or at the market or anywhere else are very low, at least for the time being.

 

You dont have to alter your life. However you also dont have to look in his direction. You're making the conscious decision to check up on him. Call it stalking or observing, whichever you want, neither action is going to help you move past him. Next time you go by his place, dont look at it. If you can't keep yourself from looking, then maybe you should alter your paths until you're strong enough to not look.

 

The more time you waste on wondering what he's doing, the less time youre spending on things more important in your life now that he's gone.

[carrotgirl]

Aria, I hear you. If you care to read the history up til now you're welcome to of course. I think you're off target.

 

I'm not looking up at his place. That would hurt my neck too much. His distinct, black and white Cooper has been parked on the street instead of the garage the last couple of weeks. He doesn't leave home without it. He was the one who let me know he hadn't left last weekend by the way.

 

I'm interested in learning about the behaviour aspect I originally questioned because my professional and personal interests are about paradoxes and why people choose as they do at any given time. I care AND I think it's interesting.

 

My interest isn't prompting me to stop over and chat with the man. It isn't prompting me to ask friends about his well-being. I repeat, I'm asking here where (I thought) it's safe to discuss these things.

 

Isn't this what leads to a healthier mental outlook?

 

Carrot

[AriaIncognito]

Isn't this what leads to a healthier mental outlook?

 

Carrot

 

To be honest, I'd say no. Dwelling on someone that "doesn't love you" isn't going to lead you to a healthier mental outlook. What will, is stopping the dwelling. I'm merely trying to point out the very obvious things you're saying here, all the while trying to deny them. I myself know how hard it is, so don't think I'm coming down on you. Wondering the "whys" of his actions now, really, is irrelevent.

 

If you need to wonder about something, wonder why it is you feel the need to wonder about the actions of people who have told you they don't love you.

[carrotgirl]

I'd have responded sooner but I was too busy riding past the ex's building.

 

Come off of it. I'm not in denial and I'm not denying. You're projecting and making accusations. If this isn't a place to discuss whatever thoughts may be topmost and evolve and heal whether it's dwelling, spinning, curiosity, or whatever else may be the case, then why are we all here?

 

It's not for the food!

 

Carrot

[underpants]

Carrot,

 

Glad to see you are still with us.

 

Aria is a wise girl. She is just coming from a perspective that may have dwelled a bit too long. Her posts are a warning, a wise warning I would add.

 

At 3 weeks I think you are actually doing very good. It will get better. Time and distance are the only ingredients to healing.

 

In time all the feelings will fade away. It has to be tough to see him at work of all places. Maybe though, this is a fast track way to get over it.

 

If his car is still in front of his dwelling (and no one is over, or he is not out with someone else?) then he very well be sitting in the dark crying in the corner.

 

All this means is that you did impact him in some way. I would ponder that ...maybe this is due to how readily you took the break up. Your confidence might be f'ing with him a little. Really, who knows....simply because he chose not to let you know.

 

He really is no longer someone to be overly concerned about by his own choice. (some men can just be stupid...sometimes)

 

He gave you a wonderful birthday present...your freedom. Enjoy it.

[AriaIncognito]

 

Aria is a wise girl. She is just coming from a perspective that may have dwelled a bit too long. Her posts are a warning, a wise warning I would add.

 

 

Unders brings a very good point. I believe unders knows my situation and better yet, knows that I let it go on for what, a year, before I wised up and finally broke the pattern. Meaning the pattern of breaking up, going NC, only to be back together 1-2 months later. Wash rinse repeat. That is hell on you.

 

I spent a lot of time during those NC periods wondering what he was doing, is he gonna call, etc. I don't speak of this from not having experience believe me. I'm 4 months NC and I'm just to the point now where I'm not looking for clues myself. I dont live near him, but we have some same online haunts and we all know it's easy to cyberstalk. In the beginning I was doing some things that I am ashamed of because well, all it did was make ME not move on, and basically that's who I need to worry about, not him.

 

Unders is right, you are doing well, if you are moving forward and able to be around familiar terrority without breaking down, and I commend you for that. However, just be careful. It is all too easy to try to gain back the familiar. 4 months later and I'm still wishing I'd hear from him. I even made a lame attempt at breaking NC just this week and I have no idea why. (i forwarded him a coupon to a store he frequents that I received in email - i put no message in it. and shocker, I received no reply). Moral of the story is, the little things we do, only sabotage our own healing, and do nothing to the person who has caused our pain.

[carrotgirl]

I'm not disputing Aria's wisdom, rather trying to point out that one size doesn't fit all.

[carrotgirl]

And meaning no disrespect, I don't appreciate being told I'm wrong for thinking and feeling because it doesn't fit with some preconception of what should be. That's crap. Everyone here probably knows in one form or another how meaningless "shoulds" are.

[fabulousgal]

carrot,

 

don't rush yourself through this. yes, we can all sit here and tell you "don't look at this or that" but you know what? i bet everyone here for the most part did similar activities such as thinking about, almost calling, wondering if they may run intothe x...3 weeks post breakup. you will eventually move on/stop caring/etc but it's going to be at your own pace and will require self-realization that its done. holding on will seem pointless. Only when you are ready will this happen.

 

seriously 2 ex's ago, i broke nc constantly and did things that the LS boards would rake me over the coals. today however, i don't regret it. if anything i learned from it...and more recent breakups i've handled better because of it but i still have my moments, we all do.

 

when someone is suddenly out of your life, that was so close to you its only natural to think of them and wonder things. They haven't died literally, but it sure feels that way. It will fade over time.

 

take care

[carrotgirl]

Well oh potato oh! Aria just might be prescient!

 

The ex called me this morning and I have no mechanism in place for dealing with what he said. I posted about it in the birthday thread in Breaking Up.

 

Carrot

[AriaIncognito]

Personally, if he was saying 3 weeks ago that he didn't love you, I doubt that has actually changed. He is just lonely. My ex pulled the same sorta crap. Coming back out of loneliness that is, not admitting any sort of love.

 

I'd be cautious. It's bound to lead you right back to day one if you're not careful.

 

Remember, I'm prescient. Despite the fact that I had to look up what prescient meant. I assumed it meant knowing before something happens (as scient is knowing) but i wasn't sure LOL. Omniscient, I am not.

[carrotgirl]

Yah. If you read my thoughts on the other thread you already know I'm right there with you.

 

That's right. He said he didn't love me and until he says otherwise, I'm going with that. It doesn't matter what else he does that is loving. He broke my heart with those words.

 

I'm not being cautious. I simply don't believe he feels anything for me anymore. He was spot on with everything tonight I have to say. But it's not nearly enough to cover the "I don't love you" bit.

[AriaIncognito]

Yah. If you read my thoughts on the other thread you already know I'm right there with you.

 

That's right. He said he didn't love me and until he says otherwise, I'm going with that. It doesn't matter what else he does that is loving. He broke my heart with those words.

 

I'm not being cautious. I simply don't believe he feels anything for me anymore. He was spot on with everything tonight I have to say. But it's not nearly enough to cover the "I don't love you" bit.

 

Good, it sounds like you are in a very strong place. Keep it up. Seriously.

[carrotgirl]

Let's make no mistake. I'm not coming from strength. I'm riding a nice HIGH.

 

It feels good to know my body didn't go berserk on the hyper "I feel rejected and now I want him more" juice. It feels good that my mind didn't go all kablooey with what ifs just because we spent some time together.

 

It feels very good to know I didn't misjudge this person as much as it seemed like I must have. I feel like I can trust myself a little bit more.

 

It feels good to know that he valued (values?) me enough to put the thought into my presents that he did. And taking that a step back, it feels good to know that he pays attention to what I say and do. It feels good to know he wanted to give me things that I could enjoy by myself, with others AND with him.

 

I felt very, very good when he did small things like holding some weeds back so I wouldn't have to while we walked.

 

This morning I felt good because it occurred to me he didn't do or say anything that had anything to do with us being together, with us breaking up or with where we're at now. He didn't use our date as a way to give me my things back.

 

I'm enjoying the high. It feels good and I'll work it while it lasts but I know it's not going to last and then I'll be working the low...

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Wouldn't you know it? The ex is in a snit over something (seemingly only directed at me) and apparently, I no longer exist. Our paths crossed. I smiled a friendly smile. He narrowed his eyes the barest smidge and then all went blankety-blank.

 

That works for me. It was rather childish. I don't know what his problems are with me today but if the idea is to stir me up somehow, he's not getting a response like that from me.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Never mind. I was mistaken. See? I knew I wasn't being strong at all. I'm overly sensitive at the stupidest things.

 

I realize I'm ranting but I'm annoyed at myself. It's because I'm annoyed that I don't have the choice to do NC. I'm annoyed because I probably wouldn't do it anyway because I'm stubborn that way but it's unfair I don't even get to have the choice!