What is worse in coping - the ex or the idea of never finding another love?

September 29, 2007

So I've been reading some threads today and a lot of us talk about how we miss our exes or whatever and it got me to thinking. How many of us are actually missing our exes, and how many of us, deep down, knew that ex was never going to work and we are moreso afraid of never finding love again?

I know this is a very Sex and the City type question, but I'm curious.

Honestly, I think right now, I'm a little more of the latter. While I loved my ex and truly wanted to spend my life with him, I think now that I've been NC for 4 months and I look at how he treated me (not well enough) I know that he wasn't as right for me as I once believed and now I just fear I'll never find the one person who IS.

What do you think about your situation?

September 29, 2007

I truly wanted to marry her when her clinicals were close to finishing up. She treated me wonderfully when we were together and I treated her the same. We were both able to open up and not be scared to be ourselves when we were together. That I believe is when you know that they are the one.

It may be still too soon for me to make that call after a month apart but I really think she was right me and vice versa.

September 29, 2007

for me , its a bit of both.

but the more i look back at things, i see it was more of me willing to put up with things too much for fear of being alone.

im not sayin for one sec i didnt love her, as i'm still getting over her, and i miss her.

but the fear of being on my own, tended to cloud my vision to how the relationship was REALLY going.

been a big learning experience for me, thats for sure.

September 29, 2007

for me , its a bit of both.

but the more i look back at things, i see it was more of me willing to put up with things too much for fear of being alone.

im not sayin for one sec i didnt love her, as i'm still getting over her, and i miss her.

but the fear of being on my own, tended to cloud my vision to how the relationship was REALLY going.

been a big learning experience for me, thats for sure.

Marty,

I understand your position 100% as it describes how I've felt too. It's good to know I'm not the only one that has fallen prey to this, ya know?

September 29, 2007

Marty,

I understand your position 100% as it describes how I've felt too. It's good to know I'm not the only one that has fallen prey to this, ya know?

I understand your position 100% as it describes how I've felt too. It's good to know I'm not the only one that has fallen prey to this, ya know?

Me, too!! Time and time again. The price one pays for bad choices. UGH!

September 29, 2007

Hey,

I know that he wasn't as right for me as I once believed and now I just fear I'll never find the one person who IS. What do you think about your situation?

I think you and TP are the perfect soulmates. I can't even imagine a better match, is like you were made for each other.

Hopefully you'll realize it one day, when you are not so caught up in whatever it is that you are.

Ariadne

Ps: Yes, I know, you like each other as friends yadda yadda.

September 29, 2007

Hey,

I know that he wasn't as right for me as I once believed and now I just fear I'll never find the one person who IS. What do you think about your situation?

I think you and TP are the perfect soulmates. I can't even imagine a better match, is like you were made for each other.

Hopefully you'll realize it one day, when you are not so caught up in whatever it is that you are.

Ariadne

Ps: Yes, I know, you like each other as friends yadda yadda.

Yeah you need to get over this whole thing. You dont know EITHER of us in person. We actually do know eachother in person. I'm with it enough to know when I'm meant to be something more with someone, and when I'm not.

We've had this conversation a million times. Stop pushing it. Thinking you know two people from online personas is like thinking you know bob barker because you watch the price is right.

September 29, 2007

I love being single! There are so many fish out there it's unbelievable!

If you allow yourself to look, its not hard to replace anyone in your past.

September 29, 2007

i am a little of both. i do believe that my ex was a great match for me and i never would have imagined us apart. its hard now because a month plus out, i am scared of being alone and never finding that kind of connection again.

but there is another part of me, maybe its wrong, that does believe he will come back, and we will be better. i know it. its so obvious where we went wrong and how his grief and his keeping so many things to himself made me uneasy, then resentfull -- and ruined us.

Its hard either way, but a valid question.

September 29, 2007

Funny, I've been thinking about that all day...great minds, y'know.

The only person I've ever loved like I loved my ex was my first "real" love, at age 23. I'm now 36. It took me a long time to truly get over my first love (not that I didn't have other boyfriends, just that he was always the one I thought I'd run back to if he ever walked through the door.) Then, last year, i saw him for the first time in 7 years, and he was boring and rude. So, 12 years later, I finally felt free of his memory.

With my most recent ex, I truly thought I'd found "the one." Never had so much in common with anyone, never had better sex, etc. When he broke up with me, it was completely out of the blue, and now, 2.5 months later, I'm still reeling. But I'm starting to question whether it's him I miss, or having a relationship. I hadn't dated for almost three years when I met him; needless to say, I'm picky. When I was with him, I often found myself thinking, "It's so great to have a boyfriend! It's so great to have a sex life again! It's so great to have someone to snuggle at night!" So I'm trying to figure out whether I miss him (complete with his terrible communication skills and his always being on the road and always putting me second to music) or just miss having a relationship.

I'm still not sure...

September 30, 2007

Then, last year, i saw him for the first time in 7 years, and he was boring and rude. So, 12 years later, I finally felt free of his memory.

Funny. I saw an ex last night. While I still think he's physically good looking, I had ZERO attraction. It really felt great to be in the same room with him and know that I had none left. It was truly a testament that you do heal, with time. Granted it's been 7 years since our relationship ended, but there's always light at the end of the tunnel, ya know?

September 30, 2007

I think this is a good point youve brought up.I just caught up with an ex last week we split 9mths ago & hadnt seen each other for 2mths.

I didnt know how i would feel but we had a great time together & im almost sure all my feelings have gone for her,the only thing is i really enjoy her company & she mine, we chat & laugh together which is great.

Ill admit to being lonely right now but it was never going to be long term with the her, so after 12 mths together i feel she done me a favour even though she got with another bloke soon after telling me she wanted time to herself.

This boyfriend came to pick her up the other day, after he found out we were having drinks & he didnt like she was with me, which is fair enough cause i dont have much time for him also...hes a looser.

But can some one please tell me though, why does the ex still want to catch up with me when the boyfriend & i dont get on at all ?

I think she might like the drama off it all...i dont know.

September 30, 2007

Marty,

I understand your position 100% as it describes how I've felt too. It's good to know I'm not the only one that has fallen prey to this, ya know?

yeah. the thing for me is though, i've been doing this pretty much my whole life. which isnt right.

i fell in love with all 4 of my ex's,,, but when things were not going right for me (not them), i just put up with it because i didnt think anyone else would want me, and that i should be 'grateful' for having someone. pretty bad way of lookin at things really.

guess its a matter of self belief and confidence knowing you can do it on your own..... which is where i am now for the first time. i'm trying to figure out why i've been like it all these years. bad timing though,, its been 2 months for me since she walked away,, so all this is really really clouding my sense of what the relationship was about.

missing someone and being scared of being on your own doesnt mean you want them back,,,,,,,,,,right?????

September 30, 2007

No way. Exes are exes for good reason. They are not the best thing since Wonderbread. Well...maybe they can be compared to Wonderbread. Tastes kinda' nice at first, but gets stuck to the roof of your mouth afterwards and have zero nutritional value.

Will y'all stop this defeatist attitude? Right now you're missing your exes. You will find love again, when you're ready for it.

Most of you have fallen in love more than once. So what does that tell you? It's a matter of making good choices, which seems to be the human condition sometimes. We are our own worst enemies.

September 30, 2007

Most of you have fallen in love more than once. So what does that tell you? It's a matter of making good choices, which seems to be the human condition sometimes. We are our own worst enemies.

I couldn't agree more with the above statement. In hindsight, I know that I am alone at the moment because of the bad choices I made. I am doing all I can to put what I have learnt into practice. That's iw why I rebuffed my latest ex at least three times when he made moves towards a reconciliation.

I hope we all have better judgement in the future.

September 30, 2007

I do miss her but I also realize I can't force her to love me so I am moving on.

I know someday I will find love, my question is when. I am sick and tired of being alone and sick and tired of going through the whole process of meeting someone, giving them my time, love, yada, yada, yada, only to find out down the road that we just don't click.

September 30, 2007

It might be because we WANT it to work so bad that we stay longer than we should....

And then, there is the whole starting over thing. I LIKED the things that were good. I liked making dinner together, and hanging out on my terrace, and all those things that time in give you.

I have just started dating again, and I am sort of juggling 3 men. And its fun, and all.... but, I'd rather be in love. Dating is fun while I am doing it, but afterwards, the whole waiting for the phone to ring, hoping you have plans next week, etc.... eh. I'd just rather be hanging out with my ex on the terrace talking about stuff....

So, while dating is part of the process, I prefer the part you get to later.... dating kind of makes me feel lonely (even though Im good at it...)

September 30, 2007

I know someday I will find love, my question is when. I am sick and tired of being alone and sick and tired of going through the whole process of meeting someone, giving them my time, love, yada, yada, yada, only to find out down the road that we just don't click.

Me too Diplok, me too. But I suppose at least through this, we know we can give of ourselves. Some people aren't even able to do that.

yeah. the thing for me is though, i've been doing this pretty much my whole life. which isnt right.

i fell in love with all 4 of my ex's,,, but when things were not going right for me (not them), i just put up with it because i didnt think anyone else would want me, and that i should be 'grateful' for having someone.

missing someone and being scared of being on your own doesnt mean you want them back,,,,,,,,,,right?????

Marty, I think you and I are the same person. My last 3 significant relationships, I stayed longer than their shelf value. The first being 4 years. He and I BOTH knew around 2 years in that we weren't gonna make it. The guy after him a few years later, I knew he and I were too different but he treated me so well and he was such a nice guy (these are great reasons to be with someone but shouldn't be the ONLY reasons unfortunately) that I stuck it out for a year. The most recent one we broke up FOUR TIMES in an 18 month stint because he was never "sure" about me. He could never elaborate. We'd always end up breaking NC and seeing eachother. This time, he appears to be holding strong, which I'm better off for anyway.

My point is, I knew the date had expired on each of these people well before we (or I) finally gave up the ghost. I know it's mostly out of fear that I'll never "find someone I feel this connected to" or "find someone who will love me" etc. My most recent ex and I were so much on the same page, that I had a hugely hard time walking because I've never been so similar and comfortable with someone in my entire life. It scares me to death that now that I know that is out there, that I'll wait for it because I loved it. (by it i mean, another guy like that, not the ex)

Will y'all stop this defeatist attitude? Right now you're missing your exes. You will find love again, when you're ready for it.

Most of you have fallen in love more than once. So what does that tell you? It's a matter of making good choices, which seems to be the human condition sometimes. We are our own worst enemies.

TBF makes a very good point here. We will fall in love again. It's just we are all plagued with the "when" of it all. I look at myself, 33, no man to speak of, clock is ticking, all that crap, and think well where the heck is he?

Thanks to everyone who has posted so far. I like hearing the differing perspectives. And really wish and hope I'll someday adopt TBFs :-)

September 30, 2007

Thinking you know two people from online personas is like thinking you know bob barker because you watch the price is right.

I know Bob Barker!

He neuters animals and has sex with his models.

-tp

heh.

September 30, 2007

and it doesnt do your self esteem any good either.

because deep down i wanted to end it, but was too scared of being on my own. i cant tell you the things i put up with from my last ex,,,, you would shake your head at me. but thats a sad reflection on me,,,,, not about her at all. she'll always have her issues,, a perfect example of someone burying their head in the sand

but , for me,,,, not this time,, no more!!!

been 2 months on my own now,,,, first time ever,,, just me, my house,my job, my life,,,,, its hard,,,, very hard sometimes, but i know it will be the making of me. just wish i'd done it in my 20's,,,, not my 30's.

September 30, 2007

In my current position there is no doubt that both feelings are weighing on me as heavy as each. Not being with my ex is bad enough but I am also, at least for time being, concerned that I will never find another like her, and anyone I meet will always compare her..

It sux of course, I shouldnt be feeling that way. To be honest tho I am not the one for having lots of relationships, I do not meet many girls. Plus I aint getting any younger! Very very hard to think that anyone in future will make me feel the way my ex did.

I know full well that I have to get her off that pedestal. and quick. I know in time that I probably will. But the breakup is still fresh and for the time being still riding the punches.

September 30, 2007

I'm finished with the whole "love" thing.

I have always told myself when this relationship was done, I'll never get into another one.

I like being alone.

Whenever I feel the need to "love" again, I'll just grab one of my dogs around the neck and give them a big hug.

October 1, 2007

For me I think its the ex. I know I'll find another love, I just wish it was that one. It's more like I don't know if I'll ever find a person quite like her, well physically I'll never find a girl quite like her, as for personality and other stuff, well I'm in a lost for that cause I really don't know how her personality truly was. Close one minute distant the other, nice then bitchy, and it was all out of nowhere.

October 1, 2007

For me it is both. I miss the ex and the times that we shared together. He could make me laugh and understood me. I knew he was "the one", but I guess it wasn't meant to be. This is where it leads into the second part, since we aren't together anymore it makes me feel like I will never find another love (or at least one like I had). I guess I am causing myself to be that way, comparing the "potential" guys with the one that I can never have again. When I am out in situations where I can meet guys, I feel blah towards them, no emotions.

It's just we are all plagued with the "when" of it all. I look at myself, 33, no man to speak of, clock is ticking, all that crap, and think well where the heck is he?

Ariawomen, I'm the same age and feel the same way:o

October 1, 2007

Ariawomen, I'm the same age and feel the same way:o

I like how people make me plural :-)

It's good to know others can commiserate on how I'm feeling, definitely.

Maybe all our potential spouses are all trapped in some alternate universe somewhere. Maybe the cast of heroes can retrieve them for us.

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What is worse in coping - the ex or the idea of never finding another love?

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