cpudaddy Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 My wife and I have been married 8 years. We have a son who is 6. We have had a good relationship. Our communication hasn't always been the best and our sex life has always left a little to be desired. She is a good person. She is a good mother. I have had a complete breakdown. I have not been faithful to my wife. I have been so racked with guilt and pain that it effecting me physically. Last week I ended up in the emergency room as I thought I was having a heart attack. I constantly feel like throwing up. I am so mad at myself. My wife knew something big was up. She kept asking me what was wrong and I couldn't tell her. Finally I could not take it anymore and I had to come clean. My wife is of course devastated. She says she wants to go to counseling. I am hopeful that there is a chance I can save my marriage but I am not sure that is going to happen. Help me. I have screwed up everything. I had a good life and I went and threw it all away. I feel like crawling in a hole. Can a marriage survive through this? Is there hope? What can I do?
whichwayisup Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 Continue to let her know that you're filled with so much regret. Take ALL the blame for choosing to cheat on her. BE an openbook; meaning allow her access to your email account(s), cell phone records - To be able to check up on you to ease HER mind. Show her in actions not only in words that you're willing to do ALL that it takes to work on the marriage to make it better. Together, you two CAN get past this, with the help of marriage counselling. What led you to cheat? What problems were in your marriage that made you feel you couldn't talk to your wife before choosing to make a bad mistake? These are issues IN the marriage that need to be fixed...If your marriage in general wasn't great, it's both of your faults...It takes two to have problems in a marriage - The affair you had was a symptom of something not right inside of you, some need not being met, or you got caught up in the ego-attention-lust of someone else. It can take up to two years to get the marriage back on track. It can work, but it takes alot of desire and hardwork by both of you. Your wife's world was turned upside down, you betrayed her in the worst possible way. THAT takes time, so be supportive, understanding and considerate of how much pain she's in. Good luck and keep posting. Tons of people here can help you through this.
BestAdvisor1 Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 I have not been faithful to my wife. What did you do? How long have you been cheating? A one time thing with one woman? Multiple time with the same woman? Or multiple times with multiple women? Are there feelings involved? How sure are you that you won't see this/these woman/women again and do what you did?
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 It's gonna hurt but you gotta tell her the truth, dont sugar coat it and dont be mean, dont be smug, dont be insane. Just tell her you F-ed up and you are dedicated to making this marriage work. I think she will forgive you if the affair wasnt big. I mean like lasted long or produced any children. Any LTA's or Other children produced from it is a deal breaker. Go to marraigebuilders.com they'll help you out.
norajane Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 And...be sure that you end your affair, if you haven't yet. If it was not an affair, but sex with someone once or multiple someones, you need to make sure you don't cheat again. And you can only do that by figuring out why you cheated in the first place. If you did it while drinking in a bar - stay out of bars. Get some therapy, go to marriage counseling with your wife.
silktricks Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 If you really want to save you marriage, if you really love your wife, then what you need to do is stick with her through thick and thin. It will be difficult. She will be scared and needy and wanting constant reassurance. Tell her you love her. Show her you love her. Be transparent. Show her you need her. When she asks you questions be scrupulously honest, but do not be mean. It's a fine line. Don't tell her ANYTHING that isn't true but also don't push facts in her face that she doesn't want to hear. Let her call the shots as to how much she can take in and when. It isn't easy, but it is possible. First step is (of course) end whatever was going on if you haven't already. Second step is get to MC and I also highly recommend that you BOTH get into IC. Best of luck.
Author cpudaddy Posted September 29, 2007 Author Posted September 29, 2007 Lots of reasons led me to cheat. None of them are good. The sex between my wife and I has not been good for a long time. Our communication has not been good and we never spent the time to improve it. My wife works crazy hours and I have a lot of time on my hands. My mind started to wander to thoughts of other women. My needs were not being met. I have lived this way essentially since my son was born and he is nearly 7. None of this justifies what I have done. We should have been in counseling years ago. I do love her. I realize this now more than ever before. I had a one night stand five or so years ago that nobody but me knew about. I regretted that from day one. That was a drunken mistake. This time was different. I made a conscious choice to be with this other woman. I had thought about it in advance and chose to go down that path. This affair or whatever you call it that was brief as I was on a business trip and the woman lives on the other side of the country. Again I was drunk but I knew what I was doing so that is no excuse. I realize that this makes me look very bad. I honestly view these incidents differently but I realize my wife does not. Cheating is cheating no matter what the intentions or the time involved. I really am not a bad person. Other than these incidents, I have been a loving father and husband. I have been there for my wife and son through good times and bad. I have made some very poor decisions. I accept my fate no matter what it is. I have come clean with my wife about it all. I figured that is my only hope. I need to be as honest and open as I can. I would do anything do undo what I have done. I feel absolutely terrible. It will be a long time before I can even forgive myself. I will make every attempt to save my marriage but I am not sure that will happen. I am still clinging to hope no matter how small. I am going to go to counseling with or without her. I know that I need help too. I was talking to my sons teacher at school and she was telling me how smart my son is and how wonderful my wife is for helping as much as she does in school. I almost lost it right there. It is a good thing I was wearing sunglasses to hide the tears forming in my eyes. If anyone out there is contemplating an affair, don't do it!
BestAdvisor1 Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 This time was different. I made a conscious choice to be with this other woman. I had thought about it in advance and chose to go down that path. This affair or whatever you call it that was brief as I was on a business trip and the woman lives on the other side of the country. Again I was drunk but I knew what I was doing so that is no excuse. How many times did you sleep with her? How long ago was this? I had a one night stand five or so years ago that nobody but me knew about. I regretted that from day one. That was a drunken mistake. How come the first time, you didn't feel guilty enough to break down?
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 This time was different. I made a conscious choice to be with this other woman. I had thought about it in advance and chose to go down that path. Is different than: I had a one night stand five or so years ago that nobody but me knew about. I regretted that from day one. That was a drunken mistake. Yes, cheating is cheating is cheating....The difference is, one was a drunken stupid mistake. The other was a conscious choice - Something he thought out and planned. Drunk or not, doesn't make a difference.
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 Anyway, the focus right now HAS to be on your wife, fixing your marriage, not looking backwards...
Author cpudaddy Posted September 30, 2007 Author Posted September 30, 2007 My wife and I had a very long heart to heart talk tonight. I am much more hopeful than I was before. She is going to give reconciliation between us a try. This is all I can ask for. She says she is "in" for this challenge. When speaking to her I was using words like "if" and "chance". She told me I needed to stop thinking like that. She told me I needed to be in this 100 percent. No doubts about what I want and what whether or not we can succeed. She says I need to prove my love to her and that I need to assure her that it is her that I want and not the house, kids, etc. I started crying. My heart was beating like it was when we were on our first date together or the first time we kissed. This is a wonderful woman. I love her with all my heart. I am going to do anything and everything in my power to keep her. I know it will be a long hard road. She is worth it.
Bobby NoBrains Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 Looks to me like you have a wonderful woman by your side who really loves you enough in the face of all this ... And you seem to have realized that. Good luck to you on your road to recovering your marriage. Just remember that this time it should be a one way street. No looking back again. That's the only fair and decent thing to do. Just my two bits .. Bobby
BestAdvisor1 Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 CPUDADDY, so, when was this latest affair? How many times did you sleep with her? Are there any emotions involved? You need to understand those issues before you can ensure that you won't do it again 2 years, 5 years, 10 years down the road.
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 IS the OW OUT of your life? And I mean, no calls, no emails, no seeing her, no talking to her? Because if she is in your life just a tiny bit, END IT NOW. There is no way your marriage has a chance if she's still in the picture. Good luck though, it sounds like your wife IS a wonderful woman..
silktricks Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 Oh yeah, one other thing. If you are as tight with computers as your screename implies, maybe you should be careful that you aren't placing more than just other women in front of your wife and kids. . .
BentSpine Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 I think you should stop and think. Right now, after the affair, your sexual need is fulfilled. So right now you are able to focus on other things than sex. In this case you are prepared to do everything to keep the wife. Because apart from not getting your sexual need met, you really wish to spend the rest of your life together with your otherwise wonderful wife. By your recent action you have now realised how important the sexual need is to you. No amount of bashing yourself is going to change that. You must decide if you can stay in a relationship that will continue to leave you vulnerable to stepping outside the relationship to get your need met.
IpAncA Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 She is worth it. She may be worth it but are you? She may have given you a second chance but it's up to you to make it so her giving you a second chance wasn't a mistake. You messing around has to stop and yes I'm sure you thinking "I'll never do this again" but you did it once and you did it twice...what assurance can you give it won't happen anymore when things go in a slump or whatever? So I guess I have to ask, does your W know you've done this more than once? If she does she's a very forgiving women and I hope that MC works out. IS the OW OUT of your life? And I mean, no calls, no emails, no seeing her, no talking to her? Because if she is in your life just a tiny bit, END IT NOW. There is no way your marriage has a chance if she's still in the picture. I agree.
OpenBook Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 I think you should stop and think. Right now, after the affair, your sexual need is fulfilled. So right now you are able to focus on other things than sex. In this case you are prepared to do everything to keep the wife. Because apart from not getting your sexual need met, you really wish to spend the rest of your life together with your otherwise wonderful wife. By your recent action you have now realised how important the sexual need is to you. No amount of bashing yourself is going to change that. You must decide if you can stay in a relationship that will continue to leave you vulnerable to stepping outside the relationship to get your need met. And I agree with this one. Hopefully it's possible to "get the need met" with the W. If not, then yes it is likely to happen again in the future.
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