luigie822 Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 My husband and I have been married just under 2 years. Early in the relationship I knew he had a problem with alcohol, but I was too "blinded" by love that I thought it wasn't an issue worth ending our relationship. I grew up in a family of alcholism/substance abuse and have learned that the next day (after an influenced-induced fight), things always smooth over. So, I guess it was only natural for me to make excuses for him and his behaviors. I mean, he was only verbally abusive, so I could put up with it... Things progressed to the point where I had to force him to eliminate drinking whiskey. I couldn't bare to be around him after he had whiskey because he became a totally different person: beligerent, mean, argumetitve, hurtful, etc. I told him that if he chooses to drink whiskey, it must be during a time when he will not see me until he's sober, otherwise I would leave. Three times he has broken this promise to me. On two occasions, we got into horrible fights; the other, he tried to hide. On all three occasions, I told him I was going to leave him if he didn't stop drinking hard alcohol. A few months ago, we had our worst fight yet. He did not strike me, but I was certain he was going to. He verbally abused me (screamed at me 1" from my face), backed me into a corner, kicked my cat carrier out of my hand (I was going to leave and take my cat with me), and was just downright mean, hurtful and ugly. I have never been treated that badly by another person before. After this, I told him I wanted to separate. He promised to change and said I should give him another chance. I asked if he wanted to go back to marriage counseling and he said no. I said he would have to choose between me/our marriage or the alcohol. I gave him a week to make the decision, but he had to travel for work the next 2 weeks and I didn't want to force the decision over the phone. When he came back he said he would stop binge drinking but still wanted to drink socially. Reluctantly (and stupidly), I said that was fine as long as it was just beer and that he would stop when I asked him to. This has worked since... until last night. I wanted us to go on a date and he agreed. When we went to the bar, he ordered a long island ice tea before I would even have a chance to object. He drank 2 and then switched to beer. We had an OK dinner, but he couldn't stop complaining about the waiter (who was just a young kid with a chip on his shoulder), which really dampened the "dining out" experience for me. Afterward, we went to go rent a movie and on the way, a song I liked came on and I turned up the volume (it was not overly loud). He freaked out and started saying what a double standard I have because he didn't like the song and I didn't want to turn it off. We ended up in a huge fight and separate beds by the end of the night. I'm really losing patience and hope for this relationship. I am not in love with him anymore, but I do love him as a person. I have given him so many chances to prove himself to me, but he has repeatedly failed. If he would remain sober, I wouldn't have any doubts in our relationship. But I can't keep making excuses for him and setting new boundaries that he can't live up to. I think that separating and eventually divorcing is the only option at this point. I can't justify living in fear that he's going to drink and that I'll be the target of his emotionally/verbally abusive tendancies. I deserve better than this. Any advice, thoughts, comments?
LakesideDream Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 luigie822, True drug and alcohol addiction are a addicted persons first loyalty. I'm not talking about an occasional abuser here, I'm talking about everyday drunks and druggies. Until the person is able, or is forced to give up the drug, they cannot function normally in a relationship. With no children involved (born to the two of you) this is one of the few situations where seperation may be helpful in my opinion. A seperation may give the abuser a clear cut message that his problem is not acceptable to you, and that you are serious about ending your relationship with him, if he doesen't end his relationship with his drug(s) of choice. Be aware, not every drunk is an alcoholic. Some people drink to self medicate, soften the pain of something in their lives. Some people drink to help them loose inhibitions and do things they wouldn't do sober. In my twenties I drank like a fish for 18 months, probably never actually sobered up during that time. I got the idea in my head that I was an alcoholic. That scared me so I stopped drinking completely. After a few days the stuff was out of my system, and things got back to normal. After a few years I found that I could drink socially without getting drunk without a problem. I was never an abusive drunk, I was a happy one. Fast forward 25+ years to my divorce. When that happened I bought case after case of single malt Scotch and got drunk every night for a couple of months, until I didn't want to anymore. Seven years later I still have 1 and a half bottles out of the last case. I am not an alcoholic personality. Your husband sounds like he is. Give him a wake up call. Make him choose between the booze and you. He may choose you! Good Luck!
tommyr Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 You should go to an Al Anon meeting. This is a 12 step program for family members who are affected by the drinking of others in their house/family. Unless you live in the tundra (Alaska) I would bet there is a meeting tonight at 8:30pm within 15 minutes drive. Either look up AlAnon in the phone book or go here http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
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