Marielle Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 I would like to know in this thread who is in this situation, in order to give ourselves support, discuss different aspects of this issue without BS or angry XOW judging why we got there, or that they would never be in that situation (like if someone asked them)or why and if we used protection. WHat is done is done. It is not a thread of arguing or the phylosophy and morals behind it, but a support group for woman in this particular situation. We could discuss legal aspects, emotional issues, the pregnancy and feel we are not alone. Anyone would like to post?
NoIDidn't Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Marielle I really do feel sorry for you, but seriously you are not the only person affected by the choices that you and your MM made. I think that it is very insensitive and short-sighted to not want to listen to other perspectives, whether the posters are OW, xOW, xBW (yes, if OW can be former so can BS), or whatever. You have much you could learn from all of those persons labelled as such. There is much that speaking to another pregnant OW will not teach you. Speaking to an OW that's currently allowing the MM to keep her AND the child a secret may not help you much either as she is still likely not ready to face the reality of her situation. There are places on the web where you can find real support for your sitch besides here. I know of a few, but you can find them yourself by googling as well. I hope you find some peace and stop stressing about the future with your baby or the MM. No.
Author Marielle Posted September 28, 2007 Author Posted September 28, 2007 I do think it will be helpful to discuss with others going through the same situation. It is ONE of my ressources among others (family, councelling, single moms websites) I do not say no one else can bring to it. I just think it would create debate and that is not what we need right now. Not all pregnant OW or Xow are still with MM or keeping it a secret FYI. THis is a situation where only someone going through this can relate...
KATANYA Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 I am not in your situation but do feel that you have a great idea to seek out others that may be in similar situations. I also think some of us that have not necessarily had a child with MM but who are single parents in general may be able to offer you some support as well. You are absolutely right to say that this is one situation where you do not need to hear all the horrible things you are as an OW - keep this thread about your own health and well being and that of your child - some may have some good links to sites that can help you with the legal questions or health questions you may have..........I hope any women in this same situation will join in - being a single mom is not easy, regardless of who the father is/was and what the situation is. A good support system is invaluable!
Author Marielle Posted September 28, 2007 Author Posted September 28, 2007 I am not in your situation but do feel that you have a great idea to seek out others that may be in similar situations. I also think some of us that have not necessarily had a child with MM but who are single parents in general may be able to offer you some support as well. You are absolutely right to say that this is one situation where you do not need to hear all the horrible things you are as an OW - keep this thread about your own health and well being and that of your child - some may have some good links to sites that can help you with the legal questions or health questions you may have..........I hope any women in this same situation will join in - being a single mom is not easy, regardless of who the father is/was and what the situation is. A good support system is invaluable! Thanks for your understanding, and I am sure you can contribuite a lot... U put in exact words my intentions for this thread. We are already judged at work, among the family, ppl asking...all that is a lot of stress. We need a place to vent and share information.
NoIDidn't Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Not all pregnant OW or Xow are still with MM or keeping it a secret FYI. THis is a situation where only someone going through this can relate... Sorry if my response put you on the defensive, but you are wrong. This is not a situation where only someone going through it can relate. This is a situation where someone directly affected by it can relate. I am such a person, FYI. Not all keep the secret, but most do initially. Especially if MM is still willing to sneak around, and the OW is still willing to allow that even with a child. In most cases, the MM disappears and the OW is left to raise the child alone anyway - secret or no secret. You really have no idea what the other people can contribute as you don't know all of their story. I agree that this should not be a debate about whether or not you used protection, at this point its neither here or there. The horse is already out of the barn. But don't discount the wisdom of the children and grandchildren and cousins and others present on this very forum who have lived through what you experiencing now. You can gain perspective on how your child MAY feel about things one day. You can gain info on how to have a good relationship with MM and his family. Sure you can get it from OW in your situation, but only from their perspective. You need more than one perspective. One thing that you may not know right now is that a MM's parents are usually your best allies for THEIR grandchild. But too many OW abuse this privilege and use it to further their attacks against the MM's W and other children. Take my input or leave it. But I have more resources on this than you think. Concentrate on creating a healthy baby and a healthy you. Good luck. You are free to PM me if you like.
Author Marielle Posted September 28, 2007 Author Posted September 28, 2007 Sorry if my response put you on the defensive, but you are wrong. This is not a situation where only someone going through it can relate. This is a situation where someone directly affected by it can relate. I am such a person, FYI. Not all keep the secret, but most do initially. Especially if MM is still willing to sneak around, and the OW is still willing to allow that even with a child. In most cases, the MM disappears and the OW is left to raise the child alone anyway - secret or no secret. You really have no idea what the other people can contribute as you don't know all of their story. I agree that this should not be a debate about whether or not you used protection, at this point its neither here or there. The horse is already out of the barn. But don't discount the wisdom of the children and grandchildren and cousins and others present on this very forum who have lived through what you experiencing now. You can gain perspective on how your child MAY feel about things one day. You can gain info on how to have a good relationship with MM and his family. Sure you can get it from OW in your situation, but only from their perspective. You need more than one perspective. One thing that you may not know right now is that a MM's parents are usually your best allies for THEIR grandchild. But too many OW abuse this privilege and use it to further their attacks against the MM's W and other children. Take my input or leave it. But I have more resources on this than you think. Concentrate on creating a healthy baby and a healthy you. Good luck. You are free to PM me if you like. Ok, I get you now, I see your point...pregnant woman we get all weird with the raise in hormones, :bunny:lol. Sorry, you are right All I meant was to have constructive advice and support against debates.
NoIDidn't Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 Ok, I get you now, I see your point...pregnant woman we get all weird with the raise in hormones, :bunny:lol. Sorry, you are right All I meant was to have constructive advice and support against debates. From one pregnant woman to another, I DO know what you mean. It doesn't get any easier no matter how many children you have!!
Author Marielle Posted September 29, 2007 Author Posted September 29, 2007 From one pregnant woman to another' date=' I DO know what you mean. It doesn't get any easier no matter how many children you have!![/quote'] Really?? :bunny:Congratulations:bunny: How many weeks? I am in week 13
FiveAlarmJockey Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Hi Marielle! Remember me? I am the OW that has been involved for 5 years and have 2 children from the A. A 21-month old and a 5-month old. I agree with your wanting to be able to vent about your situation. I too go through all the drama with my family, friends, coworkers, etc. Mostly negative drama. I wish that I could back my feelings up with words, when it comes to defending my decision to have kids with the MM. I try to not let everyone get into my head with all the negative, but once I started scanning through this forum, it made it even harder to ignore the truth. The truth being that MM is never going to leave his wife and be a family with me and the kids. I mean, it's unbelievable how I can sit down and start reading a post and feel like I am reading my life! It's all the same scenario. But I remain strong for my kids. If anything, I have come to the realization that MM was just a sperm donor...nothing else. I am over the heartache...I am over the lies...I am over it all. But I can truly tell you that it is not that easy...being over...I still love him and he still comes to see the kids and continues to pull the "I love you" card every time! But I am strong and I have learned that I can't listen with my ears, I have to listen with my eyes...because his ACTIONS speak a hell of a lot louder than his WORDS!!! I remain cordial, I remain caring, I remain STRONG! I want the kids to know him as a good father and a kind person. I wish you the best of luck with your child. I pray that you may be as strong as I through it all, and I pray that your child will bring you GREAT Happiness as mine have brought to me.
not_clever Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Hiya Im 33 weeks. Ive made it clear to MM he wont be seeing the baby when she is born. He looked rather down trodden but at the end of the day he has his own family. I cant risk my daughter getting hurt or his family for that. As for the male role in her life she has uncles, great uncles and a grandad. Good luck with your pregnancies.
TogetherForever Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Hiya Im 33 weeks. Ive made it clear to MM he wont be seeing the baby when she is born. He looked rather down trodden but at the end of the day he has his own family. I cant risk my daughter getting hurt or his family for that. As for the male role in her life she has uncles, great uncles and a grandad. Good luck with your pregnancies. NotClever, Good for you! You seem to be one of the stronger people here. And good luck to you:). TF
not_clever Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Hiya TF not stronger just looking at it from a realistic point of view. He has young kids with his wife. I dont want to be responsible for any heartache to them my baby and his kids will be at school together. No point in causing hurt to innocent people just to get revenge or whatever some people may seek when they find themselves in this mad situation. I just think its more sensible to remain quiet. Other people may disagree prob will get slated for this comment by someone but I dont want money, gifts and to make people misrable LIVE AND LET LIVE I suppose.
TogetherForever Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Hiya TF not stronger just looking at it from a realistic point of view. He has young kids with his wife. I dont want to be responsible for any heartache to them my baby and his kids will be at school together. No point in causing hurt to innocent people just to get revenge or whatever some people may seek when they find themselves in this mad situation. I just think its more sensible to remain quiet. Other people may disagree prob will get slated for this comment by someone but I dont want money, gifts and to make people misrable LIVE AND LET LIVE I suppose. I agree with you 100%! Live & Let Live!!!!!!! TF
liddie Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Hiya TF not stronger just looking at it from a realistic point of view. He has young kids with his wife. I dont want to be responsible for any heartache to them my baby and his kids will be at school together. No point in causing hurt to innocent people just to get revenge or whatever some people may seek when they find themselves in this mad situation. I just think its more sensible to remain quiet. Other people may disagree prob will get slated for this comment by someone but I dont want money, gifts and to make people misrable LIVE AND LET LIVE I suppose. Congratulations!! You have made your decision and are sticking to it. Sounds to me like you and your little girl are going to be just fine. She has a strong and determined Mom.
whatamessoflife Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 I have been reading on this site for some time, and just saw your post. Was trying not to post I have come across sites were our IP address was recorded, and it freaked me out. I wanted to let you know I have been there and have a young child. I made choices that I felt were best for me and my family, and no they may not be best in another person's eye but for me it was a choice I felt I had to make. But I feel for you and know that at the end they are worth it. Loveable too. Good luck, and let me know if you have any questions.
MrsHellnoFire Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 scary that there are so mm out there who have children with other women with the wife never finding out! gosh, i would rather know than live a lie for an entire marriage and possibly die without knowing? now that is very scary to me.
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 scary that there are so mm out there who have children with other women with the wife never finding out! gosh, i would rather know than live a lie for an entire marriage and possibly die without knowing? now that is very scary to me. Google the TV show called Brothers and Sisters. The father had an affair noone knew about. Then, he died. The whole show is based on his wife, 2 daughters and 3 sons finding out the affair, the OW, and that they have a half sister.
IWALH Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Google the TV show called Brothers and Sisters. The father had an affair noone knew about. Then, he died. The whole show is based on his wife, 2 daughters and 3 sons finding out the affair, the OW, and that they have a half sister. Funny... xMM's wife mentioned that show to me once and asked if I watched it (she said during one episode the characters were going to sneak a strand of hair from some child and then get it tested for dna..... then she said that she and xMM joked about doing that when they came down for my daughter's party ). She never mentioned anything regarding the premise of the show, though. No wonder they watch it. As for me, I will never watch it now. I sobbed yesterday watching the frigging show about OW on Oprah. I am so sick of being reminded of the whole thing. I wish I could just forget it all.... like in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." As I have said before, most days are great; but some days are not so great. It's nice to have LS on those 'not so great' days. *sigh*
NoIDidn't Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Google the TV show called Brothers and Sisters. The father had an affair noone knew about. Then, he died. The whole show is based on his wife, 2 daughters and 3 sons finding out the affair, the OW, and that they have a half sister. I love this show, but your synopsis is not entirely accurate. The W did know about the A, but her H lied to her and told her it was over 15 years before it was. He and the OW had a child together that the OW NEVER even told that the man that was coming around was her OWN CHILD'S father. So of course the W and kids didn't know about the girl, now a young woman. What I like and sometimes even dislike about this show though is that the W and the OW are actually able to talk about the man and how they felt about him. They both loved him. They both feel cheated. Very mature show, IWALH. You will be able to watch it without too many tears regardless of what side of the cheating you are on. Its sensitive to both in a reasonable way. Plus its mostly about the drama around the kids' lives - including the new half sister (who I think was sleeping with her married professor in college, and now understands some of her own choices better).
lovernotafighter Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 I think that was a pretty harsh comment on the wifes part..if they feel that way then why hasn't any one asked for a test, or are you guys doing that? either way she was out of line especially on your d's b-day.
IWALH Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 I think that was a pretty harsh comment on the wifes part..if they feel that way then why hasn't any one asked for a test, or are you guys doing that? either way she was out of line especially on your d's b-day. She didn't tell me that they were joking about that until after she found out we had been communicating "behind her back" again. But yeah, it was inappropriate regardless. They are actually very twisted people... I could tell you some interesting things about them... I do not want to do a legal paternity test right now because I do not want it legally documented anywhere that he is her father (I am 110% sure she is his, he is the only person I have slept with since my ex-bf back in late 2004). I told them a while back that I would happily comply with a test bought off the internet that is not legally binding if it would give them (namely her, he knows she is his even though he says otherwise to the people on his side) peace of mind. Then she said that it wasn't necessary (she has always been very up and down about things... kind of shows traits to being manic-depressive) so we never did it. This is why I do not go after child support from him or any kind of financial support from the government. All of that would require a legal paternity test and then he would pursue partial custody or visitation and the thought of sending my daughter to that house overnight just creeps me out more than I can possibly explain. She has never been away from me overnight and I could never imagine it happening. My world would fall apart. So, until she is old enough to decide on her own that she wants to spend time with him/them, then I will just leave it alone. If, in the future, she does decide that she wants to spend time with them, then I will (of course) allow her and I will seek the maximum amount of child support that I can get.
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