Not breaking up; working on the relationship

[Msblueyes]

Well, my boyfriend and I are not "breaking up". We have talked regarding each other's behavior and what upsets each of us. He's cooled down since the previous weekend, has worked hard all week, as have I. We plan to get together with my girlfriend & her boyfriend tonight.

 

Although I do have anxiety, my boyfriend says everything that happened was blown out of proportion.

 

If I want this relationship to strengthen, I know what I need to work on as does he.

 

He says he has to be somewhat selfish as he's coming out of the rehab and is making his best attempt to turn his life around. I understand that and feel I may have brought him out "partying" even though it's only club hopping around town, but it upset him deeper than I realized. This has caused me to try and reorganize my behaviour come the weekend.

 

I think that it's not a crime for me to a have a drink afterwork, before I see him, but do something constructive, wash car, paint my toenails, clean closet, do some laundry, so that I'm not just sitting and drinking myself into a stupor because of the anxiety/fear/boredom whatever it is that causes me to over do it. I know I'm not an alcoholic. My drinking has been totally just for fun/self medicating. I don't smoke weed, snort drugs, not a pill taker, so unwinding for me doesn't cross the law. Thank god! I've had a real home, kids, got divorced, the typical things in life, I've experienced the realities of life! But I feel so like, walking on egg shells because I don't want to freak him out. Maybe I'll just dye my hair as well! (thinking of all the things I can do to keep busy till this evening).

 

Is it wrong to have one beer?

[Spinderella]

Do you really NEED the beer, dear (sorry, couldnt resist). Do you though?

Can't you have a nice cup of tea, do some meditation or something else calming? Read a good book?

Sounds like, though you may not be an acoholic, theres still a slight psychological addiction to thinking you NEED the beer to unwind.

If you really want to make the relationship work, then stick to your end of the bargain, as you planned. Then his problems are up to him, as yours are up to you.

[Msblueyes]

Do you really NEED the beer, dear (sorry, couldnt resist). Do you though?

Can't you have a nice cup of tea, do some meditation or something else calming? Read a good book?

Sounds like, though you may not be an acoholic, theres still a slight psychological addiction to thinking you NEED the beer to unwind.

If you really want to make the relationship work, then stick to your end of the bargain, as you planned. Then his problems are up to him, as yours are up to you.

 

 

It's not that I NEED it...thanks, roflmao, it's just that, ok, I'd really LIKE one!

 

I don't drink tea or meditate, I do have some errands to run, maybe it would be wiser to go shopping at TJ Max & look nice when he gets home (which will be after 8 pm).

 

If I do the above, I will surprise him (cause if you've followed me this long, I know he's probably thinking that I will be reverting back to what I said I wouldn't do). UGGHHH!!!

 

It was easier on me when we didn't live together & he was in rehab 'cause then I didn't have to answer to anybody but me. (Case in point for one having their own place!)

 

However, that is not the situation. Sometimes, it just is hard on me, having lived through his addictions & dealing with them, that this one issue is such an issue. But, yes, I do want to show my responsible side in this case, so I won't drink. I promise, until we both sit down & decide to have a drink together, if that may be the situation. I've looked the other way while he was drugging, I can look the other way to having my beer!

 

I'll keep busy.

 

THankx!

[ijustwannago]

nope it's not wrong to knock back a couple. if you have a few and the person standing infront of your guy isn't you...well then it's a real problem. i use to think that a couple drinks would help me wind down. in fact beer/booze creates anxiety and it's a depressant. work out after work. switch up your routine, have a beer with him during dinner.

 

its not a bad thing to have someone to be accountable too. but you gotta be ok with you first. Why would you look the other way if he is having problems with drugs? do you want ease and convience or something real? did you jump into moving in together? is he calling you out because he is insecure or because he cares?

 

P.S. good for you two..and good luck girl!

[Msblueyes]

nope it's not wrong to knock back a couple. if you have a few and the person standing infront of your guy isn't you...well then it's a real problem. i use to think that a couple drinks would help me wind down. in fact beer/booze creates anxiety and it's a depressant. work out after work. switch up your routine, have a beer with him during dinner.

 

its not a bad thing to have someone to be accountable too. but you gotta be ok with you first. Why would you look the other way if he is having problems with drugs? do you want ease and convience or something real? did you jump into moving in together? is he calling you out because he is insecure or because he cares?

 

P.S. good for you two..and good luck girl!

 

Thanks but I screwed up, had a few drinks and my anger came out. went out together and then I found out that he was still planning to move out this week but I don't recall him telling me that. I got livid and words were said. I don't know if I just totally screwed it up or he will use this as one more "excuse" that he can go because I went psycho. If so, I gave it to him. We've been together for seven years, he just go out of rehab and my girlfriends think he just wants to be "free" now...I'm just someone he could camp out with for the month. I think like he has said, it is time for a break, no matter what.

 

I don't know if that means permanent, or if he can get over my blow up. I just have to drop the past. Maybe I'm his past that he wants to drop as well. I don't know anymore.

 

I don't want him to mentally put me in this state of torture. I think by him not even being intimate with me for the past two months, there's a bigger reason than him not being sexually attracted (his gripe), but I think that's where he decided to start the beginning of this end. He didn't want to get sexual with me or maybe he felt that would make it harder to leave.

 

If you're not having sex with your partner and you're not getting along, it's like whats the point of the relationship?

 

I wish I didn't have to feel like I'm the one who screwed everything up. I guess I just have to come to terms that he's leaving, not far away. He said we'll still talk...that kinda thing which is good, if we end up dating in the future but I think it's more like an open ended leave.

 

I don't know if I know how to have fun anymore, I don't know why I think he's the only one for me, I'm just emotionally turned upside down.

[Spinderella]

Hey Msblueyes,

Sorry to hear things are not getting any better.

I dont know why you still feel that you are the one screwing things up, when he was the one trying to screw your friends behind your back.

Not many women would have handled it as calmly as you have, nor given him another chance (probably thats not such a good thing though!).

[ijustwannago]

Oh you just wait one second!!! WHAT after all that you were going to take him back and he decieved you again!?! you didn't screw up at all in fact I hope you let him have it! HOW dare he even think he has the power to contort you self perception and you self esteem. yup my ex and your ex should date. i hope he leaves asap. i'm sorry for your heart ache. he really has no right to treat you like that. you can look forward to getting off of his rollercoster ride.

 

"went out together and then I found out that he was still planning to move out this week but I don't recall him telling me that. I got livid and words were said. I don't know if I just totally screwed it up or he will use this as one more "excuse" that he can go because I went psycho. If so, I gave it to him. We've been together for seven years, he just go out of rehab and my girlfriends think he just wants to be "free" now...I'm just someone he could camp out with for the month. I think like he has said, it is time for a break, no matter what."

 

I'd be LIVID!! let me know how you are doing.. Big hugs girl...

[Msblueyes]

"Oh you just wait one second!!! WHAT after all that you were going to take him back and he decieved you again!?! you didn't screw up at all in fact I hope you let him have it! HOW dare he even think he has the power to contort you self perception and you self esteem. yup my ex and your ex should date. i hope he leaves asap. i'm sorry for your heart ache. he really has no right to treat you like that. you can look forward to getting off of his rollercoster ride."

 

I did let him have it. I punched him....and that's not me. Called the police...that kinda thing. He must go. Things are just spiraling downward and the break is necessary.

 

He thinks he has me under his control but NOT. I think it's just hard to take rejection when you can't figure out why? But, looking at things in the proper perspective, he was never true to me. I let it go because I thought it was the drugs. But knowing, that when I've experimented with anything, I did not want anyone but my boyfriend...so I know it's the person, not the drugs. No more excuses there... For some reason (any thoughts?) he is unable to be faithful. Well, you can be sure in my present mood, I hope the next girl he's with cheats on him; surely karma goes around.

 

I don't like rollercoaster rides, I'll take a merry go round anytime.

 

Keep me in your prayers!

[ijustwannago]

sorry things got so bad. violence is never worth it. quite a breakthrough. good for you though you know what you need to do. yea the merry go round is quite nice infact! I' am also taking a hard look at my drinking at now. but I'll save that for another post

....lol.

[Msblueyes]

The weird thing is, I've been out, enjoying the summer with my girlfriends, having drinks and have not had any issues until I found out about the hitting on my friends which has coincided with us having no intimacy whatsoever.

 

Previously, he would ask me to go out & get him a bottle of Cpt. Morgan, for example, when he was coming down from his drug use, I would have some with him, and the minute he saw me enjoying myself, he would start begging for money for his substance. It would cause me to get angry because I'm not a drug addict and couldn't see the cycle in front of me. It just seemed the minute I had a few drinks, he would change gears and the easiest thing to do was give in to him. In the past, there was once incident where it would certainly be deemed domestic violence due to his wanting me to give in to his demands.

 

Now, he's into his weed which allows him to disassociate from me.

 

The minute I'm having a good time is when he'll start in on me for drinking. It's certainly not fair, especially when I'm not driving, putting no one in danger, minding my own business until he gets in my face. So, you can see where this is all headed.

 

I've been to many an event and party without any alcohol related incidents, but none of them, except one included him. And I just kind of let him be at this party. He gawked at girls, he had a fun time with my friends, I shrugged it off because I felt he needed to explore a real party after so many years of drug abuse. That night, we came home & he wanted oral sex. Afterwards, he said he was tired and I just felt like the bump on a log. I ended up going next door to my neighbor & crying. My neighbor who is well aware of the situation told me that he saw a distinct change since my bf was home.

 

So UGHHH!