my 36 yo fiance wants to put off marriage, children - I'm scared

[WorriedOne]

People never give the full story in these posts, so I'll try to be as fair as possible. I love her to death. She loves me and cares for me deeply. Please read this...I need some advice badly.

 

She is 36, I'm 33.

 

We're set to marry next May. Since her family either hasn't any money or just won't put any up, my mom has generously offered to put up money to pay for the wedding. Well, most of it. My father (my parents are divorced) is willing to contribute, but won't say how much he can contribute.

 

This has caused some stress in my girlfriend. She is worried about what we can/can't afford to do in the wedding. Back when we assumed we were paying for this ourselves, she and I were going to do something very cheaply, just throw a party with some appetizers and wine. We're not religious, and were going to keep it simple, but fun.

 

After my mom offered to put up some money, my mom suggested my dad might equal her contribution. With this $ figure in mind, my fiance and my mom started planning our wedding. Now that my father has said he won't necessarily contribute as much as my mom, it has thrown the wedding into jeopardy.

 

My fiance now thinks it would be best to put off the wedding "a year or two" in order that she and I can pool our money to pay for the wedding. Keep in mind, the amount of money we're short is less than $3000. She makes nearly $95,000 a year and I make over $70,000. $3000 is not impossible to come up with in a matter of 3-4 months, even with our very aggressive attacking of our debt.

 

I'm also planning on working less and going to law school next year. We are trying to scrimp/save to minimize the financial stress that will cause us. But in some ways I think she is using that as an excuse to put off having children. She is 36, I am not sure if we should really be putting off having kids, even with law school looming. She seems VERY cavalier about having children near 40, despite my warnings about infertility and risk of down's syndrome, etc.

 

She is very career minded, but dedicated to me and especially to helping me achieve my goals (law school). Yet, at the same time, she seems so willing to throw away marriage and children for years just for the sake of having enough money saved up to minimize the amount of loans I'll have to take out for graduate school. To me, this is an absurd compromise. I would rather have more debt and reduce the chances of us not being able to have a healthy child.

 

We have other problems with money. Since she grew up poor and without any support structure, she is conditioned to want to save every penny and always be prepared for "rainy days". I am not quite as thrifty, although I am hardly wasteful. I drive a very affordable car, my part of mortgage/utilities is only $650 a month. When I mention that I would like to purchase a $500 car stereo, I am met with stares of contempt. Yet she does not seem to have any problem with spending $100 on a good meal or $2000 on a scooter (that I didn't really want) so I can drive around downtown with her while she is on her scooter. When I want to purchase a luxury item for me, it is a "toy". When it is an expensive meal or a scooter, nothing is said about it.

 

Another example: I have badly wanted to go to Europe for the last year. That is considered an outrageous trip that will require at least a year of saving up. On the other hand, she wants to go to Cancun this December...and even though that is a much cheaper trip, it will still cost us $1000 each. $1000 goes a fair way towards a wedding reception or a European trip.

 

To sum it up: We disagree on money. She wants to save money but when it is time to spend money on fun things, it is on things she wants, not necessarily towards the things I want.

 

Before I paint too calloused a picture of my fiance, I would like to say that she has personally taken out a loan to help me pay off a lot of old debts that I had. She is very caring. The only time she is "weird" is with money...but money is obviously a very important thing.

[LoveLace]

I am sure that with her age, she is aware of the risks associated with child bearing near 40. But I'm gathering that she just isn't as worried about it as you, she must have confidence that all will go smoothly even if she waits. More and more women are trying to have it all nowadays...career, marriage, kids. More and more women are prioritizing career before kids. I did read an article once that women are relying on science too much in this aspect...they happily advance in their careers but they are devastated when they learn 1st-hand that not even science is a 100% guarantee for having a child. But I don't think these are well-known stats that have actually stopped anyone from pursuing it.

 

As far as the wedding, it sounds as though your incomes could easily cover what the remaining balance is. I'd doubt she is purposely trying to put off marrying you, maybe she's thinking about things differently than you, or just isn't in a hurry. What if you do Cancun or Europe for your honeymoon, and take the other trip later down the road?

 

As far as money, I think every couple finds conflict there somehow. It's inevitable. Let her know how you feel and that you should be able to spoil yourself with a "toy" every now and again, just as she does for herself obviously. But it seems that couples should be very careful when it comes to discussing $....cuz it's known for ending many relationships. Maybe sit down to work out a budget and say "This is how much we are each allowed to spend on ourselves per month"...something along those lines? Try to come as close to a happy compromise as you can. I don't know if I've helped here cuz I"m not even married, but good luck to you.

[a4a]

Goodness -

 

these are huge differences in ideals.

 

best hash them out before M.

 

and trust me I am married to the I want a baby man..... I don't want one. Not a good thing.

 

It won't make you happy if she chooses not to have kids or put it off.

 

Then again you never know if you can have them anyway.

 

These are the 2 biggest problems in M - money and kids. You should hash it out now.

 

I guess you will be Mr. Mom if she is not all gung ho on kids too?

[NYCmitch25]

A delayed wedding equates a delay in having Children?

 

Ignoring money, what is the underlying reasoning for why marriage really adds "so much" stress? I guess I'm trying to gage if it's because she thinks it's going to interfere with her life goals, or perhaps force the 'issue' of children, or she doesn't want / is afraid to get married, or that she is just a type-a who needs a lavish and might I say audacious event complete with live swing band, ice sculptures and white doves. Which doesn't seem to fit her 'thrifty' personality . I think the average household income is somewhere around 50K, I'd say your financial situation seems to be less likely the problem. You mentioned " I think she is using that as an excuse to put off having children." and I largely concur. I think she is acutely aware of the risks in having children later in life and sees it as a worthy risk. You know, in all of this we don't know anything about her childhood, perhaps there are fears re-living some perceived trauma there.

 

My sister did the same thing (putting off kids), she has two wonderful children, one with Downs. They made it work, and the irony is that she is now more focused on children and less on the corporate ladder. She currently isn't 'using' her prestigious law degree but is constantly being asked to work, even part time. The point being things can and will change in life, regardless of you playing a hand in the process or not.

 

A conclusion: If you can't work it out so easily, I would weigh the risks of staying with the love of your life against the weight of your desire to have children (I'm a realist). Could you live with the idea of not having any of your own? I think the biggest risks lies within compromises: she has kids and resents you, you resent her for not having them, having kids with health issues, or subsequently divorce (all obvious). I would try to get at the root cause of the "children issue" and put less focus on marriage or money at the moment as they seem more like the symptoms.

 

 

Money

 

I think you are dealing with type-A qualities, a goal driven partner who would like to see similar qualities in you (and does!). She took out a loan for you to help you BOTH ; with her 'tendencies', does it seem antithetical to her to see you "wasting" money on "needless" items? Was her father a "waster"? Is money a control mechanism? Or I just wonder if her greater financial security breeds a little resentment, esp. due to her past. I would just try to put it in financial perspective for her - you are going to spend 5% of your income on personal "enjoyment" items and let her know what those things would likely be. Do the type-a thing, make a list of lifetime goals such as seeing a Spanish bull fight, and hopefully you won't get gored in the process... :-)

 

ps. if I painted a bleak picture, I'm sorry, I think you guys could easily work this stuff all out.

[Trialbyfire]

More and more women are having their children into their forties with no repercussions, because women are in better shape nowadays.

 

As for fiscal responsibility, best to find some form of happy medium before you get married. She's already bailed you out of some personal debt so it's not surprising she's a little concerned about your spending habits.

[Enema]

Have you seriously discussed kids together?

 

I'm wondering if she honestly even wants children.

[curiousnycgirl]

I am trying to reconcile the fact that you want to get married early next year, start law school next year, and soon after the wedding start having children (next year).

 

Do you even remotely understand that you will be dumping everything on HER? Do you understand how exhausting having a new baby in the house is?

 

I think there is way more going on here than you have conveyed.

[Reckless]

I would agree that there are a lot of issues here and that you must either iron them out or recognise that you may be deeply in love but have different life goals.

 

Your lady is 36 willing to put of marriage for a couple of years and thus delay starting a family. Middle class career minded women are indeed starting to have families later in life and although this is not in my opinion ideal, it seems to be the trend.

 

At thirty-six a woman that would delay marriage and child bearing is clearly sending a signal that having children is NOT her priority. This is not a judgement call (I am childless myself and in my eh-hem .. 40's) but something you need to recognise.

 

It may indeed sound lovely to get married and immediately start a family but in reality one or both of you will have to delay or abandon other goals in order to make it happen. If neither of you are willing to do so then you may have to rethink the whole relationship.