IpAncA Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 "Does no one respect marriage nowadays?"... ask that of the partners, up to 50% of them, who admit to cheating on their spouse, according to current figures Oh boy...here comes the stats again. Even though he is on the couch and going through a divorce...this NC is still killing me. Today is his 16 year wedding anniversary with her. Dont know if they are calling a truce for today, taking her to dinner, flowers, gift nothing. Don't know anything. Dont know if he wants to do the politcally correct thing and go along with the show for everyone or be made to look like an ass if he doesnt send her anything. It has been 4 days NC. I am hurting.... Who's idea was it for the NC? You or his? If it was his idea then I doubt he's doing what he's saying and he ditched you. I COULD be wrong but that's usually how it goes IMO. Use the NC for yourself to heal. TO detach from him... If you did NC then I agree with this post here and stick with it.
frannie Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 Oh boy...here comes the stats again. Who's idea was it for the NC? You or his? If it was his idea then I doubt he's doing what he's saying and he ditched you. I COULD be wrong but that's usually how it goes IMO. Hmm yes, opinion is so much more reliable and indicative than anything mere 'stats' or the experience of others could come up with.
frannie Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 Well I could have generalized...... I thought you did.
IpAncA Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 I thought you did. IMO means in my opinion. If I generalized I wouldn't have used IMO.
frannie Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 IMO means in my opinion. If I generalized I wouldn't have used IMO. You said 'that's usually how it goes'... if that's not a generalisation I don't know what is. The fact you said 'that's usually how it goes IMO' only makes it a generalisation based on your opinion. Which is why I thought it was ironic, given that you'd dismissed my comments (or one of them) for being based on 'facts'. Not that I'm averse to generalising at all. I do quite a bit of it, but I do point it out as such and advise readers to 'take it or leave it'. If you want to debate the actual points I made, fair enough, but dismissing it for being 'a percentage' is somewhat spurious (JMHO)
IpAncA Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 You said 'that's usually how it goes'... if that's not a generalisation I don't know what is. The fact you said 'that's usually how it goes IMO' only makes it a generalisation based on your opinion. Which is why I thought it was ironic, given that you'd dismissed my comments (or one of them) for being based on 'facts'. Not that I'm averse to generalising at all. I do quite a bit of it, but I do point it out as such and advise readers to 'take it or leave it'. If you want to debate the actual points I made, fair enough, but dismissing it for being 'a percentage' is somewhat spurious (JMHO) Well I didn't use the word "general" so I didn't generalize. Maybe usualize but not generalize. Anyway if we could get back on topic....
sadbuttrue Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 Women, this is pathetic!! For one, it's evil to do this to another woman, and secondly, you deserve your OWN man... not SOMEONE ELSE'S man!! This is a sign of low self-esteem!! No self-respecting woman would knowingly share a man with another woman!! I am not insulting you or the OP, I just wish you would open your eyes! You DO NOT deserve this. Listen to me... you deserve better. Does no one respect marriage nowadays? What is the point of getting married for this to happen? People should only get married if they have some self-control! I can't believe what I'm hearing. This guy is horrible. I feel bad for his poor wife. ok, i really hate that i feel like i must defend myself here. i am not pathetic. i think you use evil in this sense a little too freely. i believe that people get married for many different reasons, love, money, status, pregnancy, sometimes just to get away from your parents some people are just so quick to judge.
SoxPrincess Posted September 30, 2007 Posted September 30, 2007 Disclaimer: The intent of my post is not to tell you what to do, to bash you or to make you think that your MM is doing what my xMM did. I am simply sharing my story, what happened to me and how I grew from it. Now with that out of the way (sometimes easier to start with a little disclaimer to avoid misunderstandings heh) let me tell you that I have been exactly where you are Vegas. My xMM told me he was going through a divorce, that he was sleeping on the couch, that he had not slept (had sex) with his wife for 4 months prior to meeting me and that his plans for his 13th anniversary were to stay home with his wife & kids, but nothing close to celebrating. During this time, he asked that we go NC for a few days and when I got nervous, he reminded me of the pact we made to never lie to one another. At the time, I trusted him implicitly..I had no reason not to (so I thought) and so during the 4 days of NC, I kept to myself but I also did things for me. I shopped, went to a spa, spent time with my friends, etc. After those 4 days, xMM came right back and I never thought of it again or gave a second thought to what happened during those 4 days or what happened at his home..period. After our A was exposed, his W sent me a letter and in it was a section about what kind of person I was to mess around with her H, not only all that time, but especially during their wedding anniversary. It was then I learned why he wanted 4 days NC; they went on a cruise with their kids and celebrated their anniversary with their closest friends. If that wasn't a big enough blow to the heart; there was never any divorce talk, there was never any sleeping on the couch and they regularly had sex. Basically, not just one thing was a lie...EVERYTHING was a lie. It ruined me..I mean really f*cked me up. Not only was I dealing with the guilt from the A and how I hurt his W & his family, but I constantly questioned how I could be so stupid to believe so many lies. It makes you wonder what kind of idiot you are to have someone completely pull the wool over your eyes; it destroys your self-esteem. I spent a year in counseling and I am still dealing with some of the fallout from the A and I am sure I will for quite some time. I'm not saying this is what is going on in your A, my point is just to keep your eyes open and don't lose sight of who you are. If something feels fishy...it probably is. Use the NC time to look inside yourself and analyze if this is how you want your life to be. Think about how you will feel if this is all a lie; will it destroy you...is it worth it? Just don't lose who YOU are in what you are doing..ya know?? I truly hope that you will end up with a happier ending or that you get what you want from your relationship, but please just don't ever forget who you are or what YOU want from life...before the A. (((Hugs)))
Author JNLVegas Posted September 30, 2007 Author Posted September 30, 2007 Thanks, and sorry for your past pain. I can only go by what he tells me. I Know he is married, I would expect there to be some family time and whatever else goes along with it. But, he has not been the only source to tell me on his problems and pending divorce. His coworkers seem to like to talk..and his brother confided in me as well. He told me he wants to do things the right way, ie get divorced first etc. Any breakup is hard, no matter how ugly or amicable it may have been. Loss is not easy. His W has been a source of sickness for him, as per his brother and coworkers. She is demanding, manipulative, extravagant, and a control freak, and totally unattractive. AS PER HIS COWORKERS AND BROTHER. I have not met the woman so I can not say for sure anything. But he did confirm all the mentioned things.
Jinnah Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Actually JNLVegas, you should reread what I posted. I never insulted or bashed you... I told you that you deserve better than this poor excuse for a man. Who ever said I was cheated on? Jumping the gun, aren't we? Frannie, all cheated men say they are "going through a divorce/separation". It's a LINE!! And yes, if he is so into this woman and really getting a divorve, he shouldn't be all over his wife should he? He's not leaving her. He's buying time. Say what you want OWoman, sharing a person sexually is degrading, dirty, and disgusting:sick:.
Jinnah Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 ok, i really hate that i feel like i must defend myself here. i am not pathetic. i think you use evil in this sense a little too freely. i believe that people get married for many different reasons, love, money, status, pregnancy, sometimes just to get away from your parents some people are just so quick to judge. I did not call YOU pathetic, just the action. It doesn't matter why people get married... they do not HAVE to, they choose to... marriage is sacred, period. If you do not want the responsibility that comes along with it, do not get married... simple as that. No one ever has the right to treat another human being this badly. This really HURTS people. It's DEVASTATING. Think about it... stop being in denial.
OWoman Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 all cheated men say they are "going through a divorce/separation". It's a LINE!! That's just so not true! None of the MM I've had As with have ever spun that as a line. Some have said it, but only at the point where they've done it. To generalise as if something was a universal law, when it's only true within your limited experience, is not just wrong, it's misleading. You can only work on balance of probability here. If all the evidence is pointing to him not leaving, chances are he's not leaving. But if the evidence (and that will be different things in different situations) shows that he is, then perhaps you need to accept that he might be - however different your own personal experience. <- That being a generalised point, not referring to the specifics of this particular thread. Say what you want OWoman, sharing a person sexually is degrading, dirty, and disgusting:sick:. In YOUR view, Jinnah, perhaps, but that's not a view that's universally shared. If it was, Islam would not be the world's fastest growing religion, for example. If YOU consider something "degrading, dirty and disgusting" that's fine, don't do it - but don't judge others who don't share your views.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 His W has been a source of sickness for him, as per his brother and coworkers. She is demanding, manipulative, extravagant, and a control freak, and totally unattractive. AS PER HIS COWORKERS AND BROTHER. I have not met the woman so I can not say for sure anything. But he did confirm all the mentioned things. I know of an interesting article that covers a bit about men who stay with women like this, even when they have a chance at happiness with someone else. One thing that stood out in that article is that even though they may have the worst possible harridan for a wife on some level they like it that way. I'm not saying your MM falls into this category, but in a situation like yours you have to be prepared for any outcome, including the ones you don't want to see happen.
Jinnah Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 That's just so not true! None of the MM I've had As with have ever spun that as a line. Some have said it, but only at the point where they've done it. To generalise as if something was a universal law, when it's only true within your limited experience, is not just wrong, it's misleading. You can only work on balance of probability here. If all the evidence is pointing to him not leaving, chances are he's not leaving. But if the evidence (and that will be different things in different situations) shows that he is, then perhaps you need to accept that he might be - however different your own personal experience. <- That being a generalised point, not referring to the specifics of this particular thread. In YOUR view, Jinnah, perhaps, but that's not a view that's universally shared. If it was, Islam would not be the world's fastest growing religion, for example. If YOU consider something "degrading, dirty and disgusting" that's fine, don't do it - but don't judge others who don't share your views. No, I've never been with a married (or otherwise taken) guy... I have higher standards than that... but I have heard plenty of men spew the "I'm getting a divorce/I'm separated line"... and it really was just a line. If the person really was separated/getting a divorce, why would it matter if the wife knew about you then? It wouldn't be something to hide, would it? I can say something that is dirty (etc.) is dirty if I feel like it. I guess people are really just lowering their standards nowadays.
OWoman Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I know of an interesting article that covers a bit about men who stay with women like this, even when they have a chance at happiness with someone else. One thing that stood out in that article is that even though they may have the worst possible harridan for a wife on some level they like it that way. Yeh I also saw that article, and sent it to my MM. He admitted that that was EXACTLY what was going on with him and his W until he went for counselling and worked through his issues. She won't go, sadly.
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