JNLVegas Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Even though he is on the couch and going through a divorce...this NC is still killing me. Today is his 16 year wedding anniversary with her. Dont know if they are calling a truce for today, taking her to dinner, flowers, gift nothing. Don't know anything. Dont know if he wants to do the politcally correct thing and go along with the show for everyone or be made to look like an ass if he doesnt send her anything. It has been 4 days NC. I am hurting....
TogetherForever Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 JNL Your signature line says sooooooo much. Read it. TF
whichwayisup Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Even though he is on the couch and going through a divorce... Do you really believe this? That is sleeping on the couch? this NC is still killing me. Use the NC for yourself to heal. TO detach from him... Today is his 16 year wedding anniversary with her. Dont know if they are calling a truce for today, taking her to dinner, flowers, gift nothing. Don't know anything. If you knew, would it make you feel any better? If you found out that they were infact going to dinner, that he bought her an expensive wedding anniversary gift, and some flowers, then later they had sex. How would you feel? Would knowing make you realize that it's time for you to let go and move on? Give it some thought because he is excluding you from his life so you DO NOT know what is really going on. Sorry, but he doesn't want you to know. Dont know if he wants to do the politcally correct thing and go along with the show for everyone or be made to look like an ass if he doesnt send her anything. It has been 4 days NC. I am hurting.... He hasn't left his marriage. If he was actually planning on this, they wouldn't be celebrating their wedding anniversary...J, you're fooling yourself here, and you're eating up the lies he's feeding you. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Your signature speaks the truth. And, sadly your MM's actions are showing you who he would rather be with. I am sorry and I know you're in pain, but you need to take a step back and focus on the 'truth' of your situation. He is still with his wife...Celebrating their wedding anniversary. He's in NC with you right now. His actions (the silence) is screaming the answer right at you.
passionateconfusion Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Just stay focussed Vegas - the NC is the best thing for you right now. I keep telling myself that too ... time, just give it time ... when you find yourself wanting to call etc. - write instead, write what you are feeling - just don't send it - it will make you feel better ...
Author JNLVegas Posted September 28, 2007 Author Posted September 28, 2007 I know he is on the couch, he has never lied to me. We made a pact never to lie to each other "no matter how much it would hurt" he has always been honest and I believe him. He could have kept me around while still with his W. I would accept that, but he told me the truth and is going through a really hard time with the kids handling the divorce. I know its best i stay out of this picture for now...but it is hard. If he does buy her anything it will be only because she is very material. That was one of the things that drove them apart. I know they wont have sex, he could barely stand to be in the same room with her (he even had to fake a couple some time back, just so she would not get suspicious because they were only having sex like every 3 months). Its hard to have sex with someone when your always fighting. I know, I have not been with my H in a VERY long time. I am not trying to make excuses for him, I know he will come back to me, just don't know when. He has no reason to lie to me, if he wants to stay with his wife I am okay with that. I liked the way things were before this choas. We would go on trips, lunch, sex, long talks...it was great! Without the responsiblity of bills and home. Now if we get together and make it public, along will come those responsibilites. I am willing to endure that, but just not sure when.
TogetherForever Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 I know he is on the couch, he has never lied to me. We made a pact never to lie to each other "no matter how much it would hurt" he has always been honest and I believe him. He could have kept me around while still with his W. I would accept that, but he told me the truth and is going through a really hard time with the kids handling the divorce. I know its best i stay out of this picture for now...but it is hard. If he does buy her anything it will be only because she is very material. That was one of the things that drove them apart. I know they wont have sex, he could barely stand to be in the same room with her (he even had to fake a couple some time back, just so she would not get suspicious because they were only having sex like every 3 months). Its hard to have sex with someone when your always fighting. I know, I have not been with my H in a VERY long time. I am not trying to make excuses for him, I know he will come back to me, just don't know when. He has no reason to lie to me, if he wants to stay with his wife I am okay with that. I liked the way things were before this choas. We would go on trips, lunch, sex, long talks...it was great! Without the responsiblity of bills and home. Now if we get together and make it public, along will come those responsibilites. I am willing to endure that, but just not sure when. I guess it doesn't matter then since you claim you are willing to endure all of this. That makes this the end of your thread. No? TF
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 I know he is on the couch, he has never lied to me. We made a pact never to lie to each other "no matter how much it would hurt" he has always been honest and I believe him. He could have kept me around while still with his W. I would accept that, but he told me the truth and is going through a really hard time with the kids handling the divorce. I know its best i stay out of this picture for now...but it is hard. If he does buy her anything it will be only because she is very material. That was one of the things that drove them apart. I know they wont have sex, he could barely stand to be in the same room with her (he even had to fake a couple some time back, just so she would not get suspicious because they were only having sex like every 3 months). Its hard to have sex with someone when your always fighting. I know, I have not been with my H in a VERY long time. I am not trying to make excuses for him, I know he will come back to me, just don't know when. He has no reason to lie to me, if he wants to stay with his wife I am okay with that. I liked the way things were before this choas. We would go on trips, lunch, sex, long talks...it was great! Without the responsiblity of bills and home. Now if we get together and make it public, along will come those responsibilites. I am willing to endure that, but just not sure when. JNL, a wedding anniversary is a horrible time for you - I've been through one myself with MM and I imagined the very worst. I think you should commend yourself on respecting him - respecting your relationship enough to give him the space to sort out his current marriage. You're srespecting his children by doing this and his wife. They deserve him to sort out this before he starts a new relationship with you. And - if he didn't make this effort, would he be worth all of the pain anyway? You need to take a break from this and let MM do what he has to do. I know, when timelines have no end, you can either focus on "When will this end - when will I have a conclusion?" or "What will I do in MY life until that conclusion comes?" I know which one I would prefer. Take care
herenow Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 We made a pact never to lie to each other If his marriage vows weren't enough of a "pact" with his wife to not sleep with other people, they why do you feel he will keep this "pact" with you?
Meaplus3 Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 If his marriage vows weren't enough of a "pact" with his wife to not sleep with other people, they why do you feel he will keep this "pact" with you? JNL, I very much agree with Herenow! I'm sorry you are hurting as the early day's of NC are NO fun! However the longer the NC the easier it will get. Stay strong because you can do it! AP:)
sadbuttrue Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 oh god, i hated the anniversary. i was miserable for a week leading up to it. i asked MM what they did for their anniversary, he wouldnt say much. i know he hates to hurt me, but sometimes your imagination is worse than the truth. good luck, i hope he does come back to you if that is what you want.
frannie Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 I know he is on the couch, he has never lied to me. We made a pact never to lie to each other "no matter how much it would hurt" he has always been honest and I believe him. He could have kept me around while still with his W. I would accept that, but he told me the truth and is going through a really hard time with the kids handling the divorce. I know its best i stay out of this picture for now...but it is hard. If he does buy her anything it will be only because she is very material. That was one of the things that drove them apart. I know they wont have sex, he could barely stand to be in the same room with her (he even had to fake a couple some time back, just so she would not get suspicious because they were only having sex like every 3 months). Its hard to have sex with someone when your always fighting. I know, I have not been with my H in a VERY long time. I am not trying to make excuses for him, I know he will come back to me, just don't know when. He has no reason to lie to me, if he wants to stay with his wife I am okay with that. I liked the way things were before this choas. We would go on trips, lunch, sex, long talks...it was great! Without the responsiblity of bills and home. Now if we get together and make it public, along will come those responsibilites. I am willing to endure that, but just not sure when. JNLV while obviously you should keep an open mind and know that any man can lie, I think that listening to people who only see things through a very narrow lens, and trying to defend your relationship from their suggestions, is largely pointless. Some of the cookie-cutter advice offered on here is, I think, guaranteed to make a poster question their own stance. Here for example I think there's a danger that if you listen to too much of that you'll end up breaking NC to get reassurances from him that it's all ok... now how counter-productive would that be! Just rest assured you're doing the right thing in giving him time and space to do what he needs to do. BUT in the meantime, of course concentrate on you and your needs. Try to put the anniversary out of your head. Make it a special day for you, with some pampering or going out with friends or whatever. Did you look up that other OW site, which has a forum especially for people going through what you're experiencing..? You will get far more pertinent support there. I'm not intending to knock anyone on LS, but this forum just doesn't have the numbers of OW, nor the breadth of experience to give you what I feel you need now. Some real insight and support coming from people who have been through their MM's divorce. ALso, there's the book I mentioned too (I think these were on a thread of yours anyway, not sure now!) Anyway, take care of yourself and try not to focus on HIM... focus on YOU.
passionateconfusion Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 what is the other site for OW?
Author JNLVegas Posted September 29, 2007 Author Posted September 29, 2007 I tried looking for the book "Surviving your boyfriends divorce" but I can't find it anywhere...do you have an author name?
Jinnah Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 oh god, i hated the anniversary. i was miserable for a week leading up to it. i asked MM what they did for their anniversary, he wouldnt say much. i know he hates to hurt me, but sometimes your imagination is worse than the truth. good luck, i hope he does come back to you if that is what you want. Women, this is pathetic!! For one, it's evil to do this to another woman, and secondly, you deserve your OWN man... not SOMEONE ELSE'S man!! This is a sign of low self-esteem!! No self-respecting woman would knowingly share a man with another woman!! I am not insulting you or the OP, I just wish you would open your eyes! You DO NOT deserve this. Listen to me... you deserve better. Does no one respect marriage nowadays? What is the point of getting married for this to happen? People should only get married if they have some self-control! I can't believe what I'm hearing. This guy is horrible. I feel bad for his poor wife.
passionateconfusion Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 Jinnah, if you read Vegas' post you would see this man is in the process of divorcing his wife. LEAVE VEGAS ALONE she is simply trying her very best to keep NC while he goes through it.
Jinnah Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 Jinnah, if you read Vegas' post you would see this man is in the process of divorcing his wife. LEAVE VEGAS ALONE she is simply trying her very best to keep NC while he goes through it. First off, I am not picking on her. Secondly, most guys who are cheating on their wives say the EXACT same thing he has told her and they DO NOT leave their wives in the end. I bet he will not leave his wife. Stop being naive. The NC thing just shows that he isn't leaving (he would have NC with the spouse). He's just buying time and manipulating.
passionateconfusion Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 I am not being naive. But you are being harsh. The future will be what the future will be ... we are simply supporting.
Author JNLVegas Posted September 29, 2007 Author Posted September 29, 2007 Well Jinnah, I am sorry if you have been cheated on...I guess all of us have at some point in our lives. But this forum is not for judging, it is for support and advice. You do not neet to call names or bash. We are hurting enough. You have to understand that not all people are as strong willed as you may be. And by bringing down peoples self esteem, well it might just bring them over the edge. Please try and be more sensative if you are going to post on this board. If you find you can not and feel you have to bash then do it on another board. I am not proud of what I have done, but I am not one to judge.
frannie Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 what is the other site for OW? I'm sorry, but it's not allowed under LS rules to post other site urls that are supported by advertising (been told off in PM). However, if you should use a popular search engine and put in the words 'other woman', then the first site you come to is an OW support forum.
frannie Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 I tried looking for the book "Surviving your boyfriends divorce" but I can't find it anywhere...do you have an author name? How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce by Robyn Todd and Lesley Dormen Publisher: M. Evans and Company
frannie Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 Women, this is pathetic!! For one, it's evil to do this to another woman, and secondly, you deserve your OWN man... not SOMEONE ELSE'S man!! This is a sign of low self-esteem!! No self-respecting woman would knowingly share a man with another woman!! I am not insulting you or the OP, I just wish you would open your eyes! You DO NOT deserve this. Listen to me... you deserve better. Does no one respect marriage nowadays? What is the point of getting married for this to happen? People should only get married if they have some self-control! I can't believe what I'm hearing. This guy is horrible. I feel bad for his poor wife. "No self-respecting woman would knowingly share a man with another woman"... tell that to the polyamoury people, societies where more than one wife is the norm, or basically anyone who isn't desperate to 'own' their loved one. "Does no one respect marriage nowadays?"... ask that of the partners, up to 50% of them, who admit to cheating on their spouse, according to current figures. "This guy is horrible. I feel bad for his poor wife." ... try reading some threads, and you'd know that this guy is going through a divorce, and your over-excitement and incredulity is probably misplaced.
passionateconfusion Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 Thank you Frannie - and to all of us that are hurting - stay strong as we take one day at a time
frannie Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 The NC thing just shows that he isn't leaving (he would have NC with the spouse). He's just buying time and manipulating. Well that is as maybe. But... what evidence are you basing it on..? Have you actually read JNLV's threads..? And do you think it's really possible or likely that one would be NC with the spouse you're divorcing..? What, shut the door and never speak again..? That's no way to end an adult relationship.
passionateconfusion Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 Well said Frannie. I was almost turned off of this site because of the judgement and rudeness of some of the members. I'm glad I have stuck around.
OWoman Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 No self-respecting woman would knowingly share a man with another woman!! This is just ignorant. Many religions - including Islam, some Mormon sects, traditional religions in Africa and elsewhere - allow, or in some cases even encourage, polygamy. Insulting millions of women who don't share your point of view is no way to promote mutual respect. But even among western societies, there are many people who don't share the view that monogamy is some kind of ideal. I'm one - I consider sexual exclusivity (for men and women) unnatural and the economic and social systems on which it is founded, exploitative and oppressive. So no, I don't respect marriage.
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