spookie Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 The guy I'm "seeing" called me on Monday to set up something for tonight. Plans were vague, but he asked if I'd be free and said he'd call. Well, it's not 7:30, and I haven't heard from him since then. I'm tempted to sending him a text, but the last time we hung out, I had to call him right before our plans to ask if we were still meeting up so I think this time it's his turn to step it up if he wants to see me. What do you guys think? And, is he being rude?
wwjd Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 did you guys set up a time, even if vaguely? do you know if he could still be at school or work or something like that? it might be that he had in mind to hang out later at night. today is thursday, after all, and most people don't go to school on fridays, so they tend to think of thursdays as fridays. 7.30 is not too late, imo, but i think that he could have called you earlier, just to see if you were still on and to set a specific time to meet up. then again, he might be the type of guy who calls an hour or so prior to picking the girl up. i think you should wait a while longer before contacting him. if it nears 9 or so and you still haven't gotten a call, then it might be safe to assume that he probably forgot or got caught up in something else. you could give him another half an hour, and then text him saying something casual--asking if you're still up for tonight or if you should go ahead and do ___ because you're ___. something like that so that it won't seem like you were just waiting for him.
Author spookie Posted September 28, 2007 Author Posted September 28, 2007 I'll do that. He did ask me if I tended to use Thursdays to stay out late, and I said yes, so maybe he is intending on calling later. Man this is annoying. If I don't call, I am definitely playing a power game (since I WANT to call just to know wtf is going on so I can make other plans if I need to). If I do I am likely going to be perceived as desperate and needy.
BlueEyedGirl Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Typical. I honestly don't know what is it with man and picking up the phone - how hard can it be.
wwjd Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Man this is annoying. If I don't call, I am definitely playing a power game (since I WANT to call just to know wtf is going on so I can make other plans if I need to). If I do I am likely going to be perceived as desperate and needy. alternatively, you could just go ahead and make other plans as of right now. you could go out with some other friends and take the initiative canceling that way, instead of waiting around to see whether he calls or not or risking the possibly being perceived as needy. to be honest, i don't think he'll see you as needy or anything if you text him, casually asking if you're still on or not, so that you can make plans accordingly. unless he's the neurotic one.
norajane Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Go do your thing - make your other plans and go out. If he calls later, invite him to join you. If he doesn't call you, then you haven't sat around waiting for him. And he can't get upset that you didn't reserve tonight just for the two of you - if he wanted that, he'd have called you YESTERDAY to set up plans for tonight.
Krytie TV Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Don't think of it as a power game, but as establishing a pattern of demanding respect. Early in a relationship is where you demonstrate your boundaries to others. If you text him, he thinks you are a pushover whose time is not valued.
Author spookie Posted September 28, 2007 Author Posted September 28, 2007 I'm going to go hang out with my friend.
Author spookie Posted September 28, 2007 Author Posted September 28, 2007 Now it's 9 and he still hasn't called. As much as I hate to say it, I'm disappointed. Does this mean I should write him off as a flake/ not that interested? Or does he get another chance?
Trialbyfire Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 It's up to you. You might want to see if he has a valid excuse and if nothing else, get a good laugh from it. Me, I wouldn't waste any further time with this kind of rudeness.
marley_86 Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 I'm going through that same problem Spookie. Me and this guy were going to hang out last weekend, but someone's msn stopped working. Its been 6 days and i haven't heard anything. its very strange when men do this.
uniqueone Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 The guy I'm "seeing" called me on Monday to set up something for tonight. Plans were vague, but he asked if I'd be free and said he'd call. Well, it's not 7:30, and I haven't heard from him since then. I'm tempted to sending him a text, but the last time we hung out, I had to call him right before our plans to ask if we were still meeting up so I think this time it's his turn to step it up if he wants to see me. What do you guys think? And, is he being rude? When I faced with this situation, I ask myself: "Is it going to make you feel good to be going out with them after you've had to go through sooo much effort just to get the date going?" I also tell myself that if they're like this now....they will only get WORSE later. It does NOT get better. Sometimes I don't listen to myself though. However, this is still good to follow.
shadowplay Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 When I faced with this situation, I ask myself: "Is it going to make you feel good to be going out with them after you've had to go through sooo much effort just to get the date going?" I also tell myself that if they're like this now....they will only get WORSE later. It does NOT get better. Sometimes I don't listen to myself though. However, this is still good to follow. I completely agree. I never like to be the initiator because then I can't even enjoy the date since I feel like I "forced" it to happen. This guy sounds like bad news.
amber1 Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 No, don't contact him. I've been through this soooo many times. He should have called earlier. After all he was the one who brought up hanging out with you. This will likely become a pattern if you act like it isn't a big deal. Then there will be many nights when you have to go through this crap. If you don't call, you are respecting yourself. It isn't a game. You are worth a call earlier in the day to confirm the date. Don't settle for less.
Krytie TV Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Does this mean I should write him off as a flake/ not that interested? Or does he get another chance? Alright, step back. I'm gonna whip it out. Ready? ... if he really liked you he would have called. Now go forward in your decisions as an informed dater.
fray718 Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Some people are just flakes like that. Just kick him to the curb and find a better guy.
uniqueone Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 ... if he really liked you he would have called. That's placing HER as the problem. The problem is with HIM.
Krytie TV Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 That's placing HER as the problem. The problem is with HIM. Oh don't be all Dr. Phil about it. The problem is he didn't call. Neither one of them are necessarily to blame for anything.
fray718 Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Oh don't be all Dr. Phil about it. The problem is he didn't call. Neither one of them are necessarily to blame for anything. i agree with uniqueone....some people are just flakes. And actually he IS the one who is being forgetful/irresponsible here....i mean if i asked someone out and i had to change my plans or cancel, then id have the decency to tell that person esp if i was the guy.
uniqueone Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 That's placing HER as the problem. The problem is with HIM. Krytie.....I've never watched Dr. Phil so I couldn't emulate him even if I tried.
Author spookie Posted September 28, 2007 Author Posted September 28, 2007 I know you'll all say I'm stupid.... but I ended up going out with him last night. He called around 9:15 and said he was working on a lab all evening and had just gotten done. He asked if I wanted to get drinks with him and a couple of his friends and I said yes if he'd pick me up. So we hung out with his friends, and then we went back to his place to play video games and go swimming. We hung out until about 4 in the morning, just talking and playing, and then I spent the night. Semi-sex... there was intercourse but only for a couple of seconds. I don't think I trust him yet, so I am being very guarded with my emotions until he gives me some indication of what his intentions are. We have a really amazing mental connection and a ton of fun together, but he's very charming and outgoing and I don't know if I'm what he's looking for in a girl. On his end, he says I'm the most interesting person he's ever met, and that that's a compliment. The one thing that bothered me was when he was dropping me off at my class this morning, he gave me a kiss and told me to call him. He has been the initiator 100% thus far, and I would like to break up that cycle, but it still struck me as strange and I'm not sure how to read into that. Any thoughts? And when should I call him? I'm not a big phone person, so I know I won't be calling him just to chat, but I'm busy today, he's busy tomorrow, and then the week starts.
shadowplay Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 ^I think you're moving way too fast physically considering you don't even know if you can trust him at this point or what his intentions are. Wasn't this just your second/third date? You're sending him the wrong message. Show him that you respect yourself. I'd wait a couple of days to call him. When you see him next say that you'd like to slow down the physical stuff and get to know him a little better first. Instead of hanging out at his house go on a real date...have dinner and see a movie or go to a museum. Something where you have plenty of time to talk and don't have to worry about getting physical.
Author spookie Posted September 28, 2007 Author Posted September 28, 2007 What does respect have to do with it? Why are women encouraged to sell sex for commitment and told that otherwise, they have no self-respect? I messed around with him because I felt like it. There was no pressure and I have no regrets. I don't think there is anything wrong with safe sex between two consenting adults. Love is a mechanical process for me that has nothing to do with sex; I know I don't love him; as long as I don't, he cannot hurt me.
Author spookie Posted September 28, 2007 Author Posted September 28, 2007 You know what guys... I think I've decided that I am just going to be myself and try to get what I want. What that ISN'T is a relationship defined my boundaries and social conventions... although I know the leading advice of the day is that boundaries are the way to go. The only thing I am going to attempt to find in this guy is a really good friend. If the other stuff comes with it, great, but I am not going to play by any rules to bring it into existence.
Star Gazer Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Going back to earlier in the thread, I agree with Krytie's posts. What does respect have to do with it? When someone tells you who they are, and shows you how they intend on treating you, it's in your best interests to believe them. Here, calling you that late to "hang out" and go swimming, leading to sex, is nothing more than a booty call. This guy does not respect you. If he did, he would have contacted you somewhere between Monday and 9:15 p.m. last night. And OF COURSE he's telling YOU to call HIM. He doesn't want to have to put any effort in. I messed around with him because I felt like it. There was no pressure and I have no regrets. I don't think there is anything wrong with safe sex between two consenting adults. Safe? You're sure? Then why did it only last for a few seconds...? I get the put-in-pull-out feeling here. Love is a mechanical process for me that has nothing to do with sex; I know I don't love him; as long as I don't, he cannot hurt me. You're fooling yourself here. Of course you can be hurt by a man without being in love with him.
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