what does it meaaaaaan?

September 27, 2007

my ex's mom passed word on that he doesn't want to hear about me, he doesn't even want to hear about where we work. he will literally walk out of the room if she brings work up, even if it's unrelated to me.

does it mean that he hates me that much, that he can't even stand to hear about my place of employment?

or

doest it mean that he's still hurt, and sad over our break up. he doesn't want to be reminded of it b/c he's sticking to his guns?

any thoughts would be appreciated

September 27, 2007

my ex's mom passed word on that he doesn't want to hear about me, he doesn't even want to hear about where we work. he will literally walk out of the room if she brings work up, even if it's unrelated to me.

does it mean that he hates me that much, that he can't even stand to hear about my place of employment?

or

doest it mean that he's still hurt, and sad over our break up. he doesn't want to be reminded of it b/c he's sticking to his guns?

any thoughts would be appreciated

Could be a lot of different reasons. Just respect yourself enough to leave it alone IMHO.

September 28, 2007

leave it alone.. i've been trying. i've been NC for a whole month tommrow! i still love him though- more than i ever thought i could love someone. he's awesome, pure and simple.

how do i know when he's no longer worth fighting for? b/c i haven't been able to do that. if i knew he broke up with me b/c i didn't keep my hosue clean enough, or b/c i gained weight, or b/c i lost my sex drive, or some other stupid reason, i could give him up, b/c i know he wouldn't be the right guy. this guy put himself out there for me and i didn't/wouldn't/was too proud and stubborn to listne to what he was really saying and not jsut hte words he was using. he made the right choice at the wrong time, imo. i believe he still loves me, still cares for me, just as much as i do him. he's the king of 2nd chances, he knows what it's like to want a 2nd chance nad not have one, he knows what it's like to earn back the trust of everyone in his life, he knows what it's like to be grovelling for repentance... so, when does one cross the line from worth fighting for, to leaving it alone?

September 28, 2007

It's time to give up when you have no control of the situation. His actions show that he doesn't want to be with you for whatever reason. Do whatever you have to do, making it easier for you to move on, but move on. If the communication been there in the first place, things wouldn't have gotten to this point. He's trying to move on, regardless of his reasons, that means he doesn't think it'll work. It'll take a damn near act of God to change his opinion, so unless you can call in some divine favors... it's time to let go.

September 28, 2007

my ex's mom passed word on that he doesn't want to hear about me, he doesn't even want to hear about where we work. he will literally walk out of the room if she brings work up, even if it's unrelated to me.

does it mean that he hates me that much, that he can't even stand to hear about my place of employment?

or

doest it mean that he's still hurt, and sad over our break up. he doesn't want to be reminded of it b/c he's sticking to his guns?

any thoughts would be appreciated

My thought on this is he is your ex and what he thinks about you shouldn't matter anymore.

Stop focusing on his perception of you. You don't need his approval so stop looking for it. Seek approval from within and it will build your self confidence

September 28, 2007

leave it alone.. i've been trying. i've been NC for a whole month tommrow! i still love him though- more than i ever thought i could love someone. he's awesome, pure and simple.

People who reject your love are not awesome....

how do i know when he's no longer worth fighting for? b/c i haven't been able to do that. if i knew he broke up with me b/c i didn't keep my hosue clean enough, or b/c i gained weight, or b/c i lost my sex drive, or some other stupid reason, i could give him up, b/c i know he wouldn't be the right guy. this guy put himself out there for me and i didn't/wouldn't/was too proud and stubborn to listne to what he was really saying and not jsut hte words he was using. he made the right choice at the wrong time, imo. i believe he still loves me, still cares for me, just as much as i do him. he's the king of 2nd chances, he knows what it's like to want a 2nd chance nad not have one, he knows what it's like to earn back the trust of everyone in his life, he knows what it's like to be grovelling for repentance... so, when does one cross the line from worth fighting for, to leaving it alone?

Put him out of your mind for now.

Start going to the gym and do cardio for at 45 minutes every day.

Start hanging out with friends.

Invest in new hobbies.

Work on personal improvement.

Who cares about him? He's gone. He's in the rear view mirror. He's part of your past, something you can never change but also, something that has no effect on your future now as long as you keep your eyes focused on YOU.

You will stay upset about this for only as long as you want to be. Life truly is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you deal with it.

Cheers.

September 28, 2007

People who reject your love are not awesome....

I have to agree with that.

If he really cannot find it in his heart to forgive you, then he doesn't sound very awesome at all.

On the other hand...

It sounds as though he could be afraid.

I think the biggest question is:

Why did his mom tell you about this in the first place?

September 28, 2007

I think the biggest question is:
Why did his mom tell you about this in the first place?

I agree - she passed word that he doesn't want to hear about you? What's that about? How would you have any control over that anyway? You shouldn't have to do anything to cushion his life now - that's for him to deal with.

Is she meddling, trying to let you know how much he is hurting for some purpose? Telling you that he doesn't want to hear about you doesn't really serve any purpose, unless there is some kind of game playing going on here...

September 28, 2007

Well, my bf and I just broke up and my friends and brothers are aware that I dont want to hear about him. Why? Because I am not over it and I am sad and constantly hearing where he is and what he is doing will hurt.

I dont know you and your ex's situation, but that is mine.

Overall though, it doesnt matter. Like Caliguy said...put it out of your mind as much as possible and keep busy.

September 28, 2007

I think the guy has issues because he has an overbearing, insensitive mother.

If you care at all about this guy you will stop talking to her except on a professional level.

September 28, 2007

thank you all for your resposnes.

Start going to the gym and do cardio for at 45 minutes every day.
Start hanging out with friends.
Invest in new hobbies.
Work on personal improvement.

i'm doing my best to work on myself. but i never thought there was much of a reason to be working on myself until this relationship.

i never stopped hanging out with my friends.

i am finding ways to occupy my time.

I think the biggest question is:
Why did his mom tell you about this in the first place?

she didn't tell me directly. i talked to her once a couple days after the breakup. i told her i didn't want it to be ackward for anyone involved. i told that i didn't want him to feel like anything eh said to her would come back to me, that i didn't want her to be in teh middle. she asked how i was feeling/dealing with it. we talked about him/the breakup that day and that day only. we haven't talked about him/us since that day-- she does talk to the girls i work with directly about it though. she asks them how i'm doing since the break up, and she's mentioned to them that she thinks he's making the biggest mistake of his life in breaking up with me. she discussed with one of them the other day how he will walk out of the room if our workplace is even brought up... it was the girl his mom talked to that told me.

I think the guy has issues because he has an overbearing, insensitive mother.

there are definately boundary issues with his mother. we addressed them with her when we started dating. she did pretty well in staying out of it, unless he iinvited her in, but she loved us togehter, and would invite us over ALL the time. we went over about half the time we were invited. i also made sure he saw her w/o me.

I dont want to hear about him. Why? Because I am not over it and I am sad

that's how i'm interpreting his action/behavior. that he's hurt about our breakup. that he doesn't really want it, but is sticking to his guns.

thanks again for all your responses!

i know i'm beating a dead horse (do we have that icon?) with this, but it's the first time i've ever felt like this about anyone. i am having a lot of trouble figuring out whether or not i severely misjudged him-- which is completely uncharacteristic of me. why if there are so many red flags, did i ignore them all. and why he won't give me closure. if i had a real understanding of what happened in his mind that led him to believe i wasn't worth the time or effort, then i could let it go.

September 28, 2007

thank you all for your resposnes.
i'm doing my best to work on myself. but i never thought there was much of a reason to be working on myself until this relationship.
i never stopped hanging out with my friends.
i am finding ways to occupy my time.
she didn't tell me directly. i talked to her once a couple days after the breakup. i told her i didn't want it to be ackward for anyone involved. i told that i didn't want him to feel like anything eh said to her would come back to me, that i didn't want her to be in teh middle. she asked how i was feeling/dealing with it. we talked about him/the breakup that day and that day only. we haven't talked about him/us since that day-- she does talk to the girls i work with directly about it though. she asks them how i'm doing since the break up, and she's mentioned to them that she thinks he's making the biggest mistake of his life in breaking up with me. she discussed with one of them the other day how he will walk out of the room if our workplace is even brought up... it was the girl his mom talked to that told me.

there are definately boundary issues with his mother. we addressed them with her when we started dating. she did pretty well in staying out of it, unless he iinvited her in, but she loved us togehter, and would invite us over ALL the time. we went over about half the time we were invited. i also made sure he saw her w/o me.

that's how i'm interpreting his action/behavior. that he's hurt about our breakup. that he doesn't really want it, but is sticking to his guns.

thanks again for all your responses!
i know i'm beating a dead horse (do we have that icon?) with this, but it's the first time i've ever felt like this about anyone. i am having a lot of trouble figuring out whether or not i severely misjudged him-- which is completely uncharacteristic of me. why if there are so many red flags, did i ignore them all. and why he won't give me closure. if i had a real understanding of what happened in his mind that led him to believe i wasn't worth the time or effort, then i could let it go.

Emotions can blind your logic. Things that you don't want to see can be twisted to fit your desires. Take some time and honestly look at the relationship, keep the emotions out of it. You should see plenty of things that you twisted in the name of making it work. I did the same thing, it changed the person I was. I was blinded by hope and the concept of love. Not to say those can't be good things, just not with certain people is all.

You'll never have closure as long as you still have hope. Accept that he doesn't want to be with you and you'll get your closure.

September 28, 2007

and why he won't give me closure. if i had a real understanding of what happened in his mind that led him to believe i wasn't worth the time or effort, then i could let it go.

You'll never have closure as long as you still have hope. Accept that he doesn't want to be with you and you'll get your closure.

I agree. Waiting for someone else to "give you closure" is a waste of time, and an excruciating waste of time at that.

"Closure", if it exists at all, is a process, not a single gate you pass through or some finish line you cross, and it depends mostly on your ability to turn around, focus forward, and start moving on, accepting your loss, being able to both cherish what was good while at the same time honestly recognizing what didn't work, and being able to do so without having to know what is going on in his head...

September 28, 2007

Closure is meaningless. At first, I thought I needed closure to move on...and I wanted to be friends, too. But then I realized that I don't need closure, and I definitely don't want to be friends with her. Does it really matter WHY she doesn't want to be with me anymore. NO, it doesn't! All that matters is that she DOES NOT want to be with me. And, I've come to grips with the fact that if she doesn't want to be with me, then why would I want to be with her, let alone be friends with her.

September 28, 2007

Yes NC and trying to forget and move on is a good idea. Sometimes though, if you have let some time pass, then just trying one last time, to have a good talk about it all, is really okay. Otherwise you can be left wondering.

September 28, 2007

Waiting for someone else to "give you closure" is a waste of time, and an excruciating waste of time at that.

"Closure", if it exists at all, is a process, not a single gate you pass through or some finish line you cross, and it depends mostly on your ability to turn around, focus forward, and start moving on, accepting your loss, being able to both cherish what was good while at the same time honestly recognizing what didn't work, and being able to do so without having to know what is going on in his head...

i've given everyone i've ended a relationship with a reason it wasn't working for me and an explaination. all i'm asking is that i get the same. i want to know when he went from "this is workable" to "this isn't working"

from my perspective the relationship was working just fine,thank you. since he broke up with me, i see that obviously something wasn't working- and that was my inability/unwillingness to stop seeing my friend b/c he didn't like it. i know now that was the wrong choice. but if i've made the right choice, why don't i get another chance? the unanswered questions i have are driving me crazy. i can't stop thinking about them-- and i'm afraid that this whole breakup was b/c of a misunderstanding------ that he thinks i wasn't able to choose him OVER someone else. and that just isn't true. if it was a matter of choosing him, i never would have seen my friend again. it wasn't though. but does he know that? would it make a difference? i think it would. i think it would make a big fat difference to him.

September 29, 2007

i've given everyone i've ended a relationship with a reason it wasn't working for me and an explaination. all i'm asking is that i get the same. i want to know when he went from "this is workable" to "this isn't working"
from my perspective the relationship was working just fine,thank you. since he broke up with me, i see that obviously something wasn't working- and that was my inability/unwillingness to stop seeing my friend b/c he didn't like it. i know now that was the wrong choice. but if i've made the right choice, why don't i get another chance? the unanswered questions i have are driving me crazy. i can't stop thinking about them-- and i'm afraid that this whole breakup was b/c of a misunderstanding------ that he thinks i wasn't able to choose him OVER someone else. and that just isn't true. if it was a matter of choosing him, i never would have seen my friend again. it wasn't though. but does he know that? would it make a difference? i think it would. i think it would make a big fat difference to him.

I totally agree that it's bull for someone to leave without giving you reasons. But there's nothing you can do to force them to. Best to change your perspective of him to being unworthy of your time and move on with life. I took far more extreme measures to help me move on, but it doesn't seem like he did anything else to disrespect/hurt you. My ex did tons of nasty things to me.

September 29, 2007

you're right darkzen, he hasn't done anything else to hurt me. that's why i'm so durn cornfused about the breakup. it was rather sudden, and unexplained, and to my knowledge there were no problems that weren't fixable.-- i'm having trouble changing my perspective of him, into making him an @$$, b/c i can't really see it.

even though he hurt me in the breakup, i can't say he's a jerk b/c he's never had a healthy realtionship-- at 29 yrs old this is his first "real" relationship. he has no experience in how relationships work.

bah.

thanks for your support even though i'm being difficult.

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