Author LoveLace Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 he started the text convo? i thought you did? Don't send his stuff back yet. What of his do you have exactly? Sending his stuff back is a form of contact and could be seen as a cry for attention...also it seems too spiteful somehow. Just keep up the NC for a few more days. Don't lose your cool. I'm remaining cool...hope is what I've lost. I have a book he loaned me to read, but it's a book I know he'd want back, it's like his prized possession almost...plus a DVD and some pictures. I don't want them, nor do I want to pitch any of it. But if there's NC between us all the way through the weekend, I might as well ship the stuff off. If he saw it as a cry for attention, I don't really care...it would only be returning his things, if he saw it as any more than that it doesn't even matter. In my eyes, if it said anything otherwise it would be, "Clearly this is over so here's your stuff". Despite how he might perceive it, he wouldn't do anything about it, so it wouldn't matter. gotta say I'm proud of myself for keeping my hands off the phone this long...I did erase him from my contact list...ok so I still remember the cell # but I erased his work # too which I don't remember at all...I think I've only called him at work like once anyway...
Author LoveLace Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 It'll suck not having you all to whine to all weekend...no internet at home...oh well poor Jenny's gonna have to hear it...
Kamille Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 LL I think you are over reacting Take a breather Don't send his stuff back Go out with friends Go to the gym Do something you always loved doing give him the time to sort himself out and approach you Wait to hear his explanation. Then make your decision. Anything else is pre-emptive. He is allowed to have doubts. You will have doubts one day. Am I the only one who thinks you are reacting out of sheer panic?
melodymatters Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 LL I think you are over reacting Take a breather Don't send his stuff back Go out with friends Go to the gym Do something you always loved doing give him the time to sort himself out and approach you Wait to hear his explanation. Then make your decision. Anything else is pre-emptive. He is allowed to have doubts. You will have doubts one day. Am I the only one who thinks you are reacting out of sheer panic? personally I would be a bit disgusted with his immature emotional back and forth, and therefore would start to like and respect him a little less. And, I would do all the things you said also Kamille, but he would have gone down a notch in my esteem.
Author LoveLace Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 I did panic when this all started. Now it's more like "curiosity killed the cat" and I'm just dying for answers. If it's nothing I wish I knew that; if it's something I wish I knew that, too. My thoughts are like a roller coaster, sticking up for him one minute and complaining about it the next. I"m trying to feel "neutral" about it somehow..if that's possible. Last weekend I gave him a little trouble for only texting and not just calling; then here I was doing the exact same thing for a couple days; texting and not calling. I haven't actually called him in 5 days. So the other day, he promises a call...but texts instead. Contact was better than none, but I wonder if he thought it would get a rise out of me since he knows I prefer a call? ....could he be thinking I'm a hipocrit for doing exactly what annoyed me about him a week ago? Oh well not that important of a question...but some people consider a text/phone calling to be one in the same...not me though...a call is more valuable in communication, no doubt. Then I told him we need "space" so he might think this is the reason I'm not calling....therefore he could be clueless that I'm dying for him to be the one dialing? I haven't even asked him to call me all week... Well it's only been 2 days since NC, but overnight it went from talking 2-3 times daily and late into the night, to this....the difference is extreme...but 2 days all by itself is not a big deal. I'm not worried so much about 2 days of NC. Just wish we could talk and get everything out. But I"ll be working all weekend long for nursing school, in hospitals, taking care of people, so I have to push him out of my mind weather I want to or not.
norajane Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 LL I think you are over reacting Take a breather Don't send his stuff back Go out with friends Go to the gym Do something you always loved doing give him the time to sort himself out and approach you Wait to hear his explanation. Then make your decision. Anything else is pre-emptive. He is allowed to have doubts. You will have doubts one day. Am I the only one who thinks you are reacting out of sheer panic? I totally agree with you. They agreed to take it slower. And so, he's been taking it slow this week. I'm thinking that his expectations of slower and LL's expectations are widely different. And that's causing all the panic.
norajane Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 personally I would be a bit disgusted with his immature emotional back and forth, and therefore would start to like and respect him a little less. And, I would do all the things you said also Kamille, but he would have gone down a notch in my esteem. One can also say that LL has diverged widely in her emotions as well. Granted, they are mostly a reaction to some of his actions, and much of it is her imagination of what he's thinking. But the start of this thread and where she is now are like 2 different people. If she truly believed at the start of this thread that she could be with this man forever, I would expect she'd be able to give him a little more benefit of the doubt in understanding that he's hit an emotional wall with his divorce coming up and whatnot. I don't know that he's done anything that merits totally giving up on this relationship.
norajane Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 So the other day, he promises a call...but texts instead. When did he promise to call? All I read was a couple of days where he texted, 'talk to ya later'. Which can mean anything, including just another text some time 'later', like tomorrow. People seem to think texting is talking, so I didn't read it as he'd call, nor that he made any kind of promise. It's like, when you're with friends and you're saying goodnight - haven't you ever said, 'See ya later' and that only meant you'd see them again some time? I end phone conversations with my sister with, 'talk to you later', and that doesn't mean I'm planning to call her later that day. It means, 'later', as in some time in the future. Then I told him we need "space" so he might think this is the reason I'm not calling....therefore he could be clueless that I'm dying for him to be the one dialing? I haven't even asked him to call me all week...Exactly. Well it's only been 2 days since NC, but overnight it went from talking 2-3 times daily and late into the night, to this....the difference is extreme...but 2 days all by itself is not a big deal. I'm not worried so much about 2 days of NC. Just wish we could talk and get everything out.He might not realize there is anything to talk about. You agreed to take it slower, remember? So why are you ready to send back his things and call it quits???
Author LoveLace Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 Norajane- Again, my thoughts are like a roller coaster...thinking I should dump him right now out of my own insecurity...or thinking this is his way of dumping me,...out of my own insecurity...the next minute I think well, we're just to the point where it's no longer necessary to talk every single day... I also take into consideration what he's going through. I realize anything "odd" about the situation might not have a dam thing to do with me, cuz he's hit this "emotional wall" as someone here called it...BUT, I am hoping he perceives my moments of anxiety in the same way...that's it's just something I need to get through and work out... Oh when he texted "talk to ya later"....I let it go and nothing happend...but the very next day he texted "Good morning...I'll call you later"...but he really just texted me. I just went along with it instead of complaining that it wasn't an acutal phone call. I also didn't bring up anything serious, since he started it as casual I kept it casual as well. Then, I was the 1st one to say "going to bed now good-night"...and he didn't respond with "good night baby"....like he did before...there was no response at all. It's been NC ever since. If I think about throwing in the towel and ending it for us...it's probably just a thought of self-defense, thinking it wouldn't hurt as much if I did it that way...but in reality that never really makes ya feel better..if anything you feel worse and have regrets, wondering what might have been, had you been more patient. The question is, how long do I want to be patient for?
norajane Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 The question is, how long do I want to be patient for? I would suggest taking a step back and re-calibrating things in your head. This is a 6 week relationship - consider yourself at the very beginning, and you're just starting dating...which, you really are. What are your expectations normally if you've only been dating someone for 6 weeks? Live your life, and if he calls, great. But you've got a lot of other things going on in your life, and your happiness shouldn't hinge on whether some guy you didn't even know 2 months ago calls you! Relax, and don't worry about it. If you feel like calling him over the weekend to say hello, do it. If not, don't. Don't set up so many rules and tests and challenges and deadlines in your head.
Kamille Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I agree Melody Matters. She has to take his recent actions into consideration. But I think that right now, all it means is that she needs to realize that this love story is not the be all end all of her life and that she has to get back to solid ground. Her own solid ground. Love, you are likely feeling like you might be about to lose a lot right now. But you're not. I wish there was a way to explain this and the wine at dinner is not helping me think. You are still the wonderful Lovelace he met and fell in love with. That hasn't changed. You panicking and letting your insecurities take over is actually you allowing your doubts and fear to take over the beautiful side of you. Please don't do this. No matter what is going on in his head or what he decides to do. Be proud. dare to believe you are worth love, even in the face of what seems like a setback. I actually agree with TBF (as usual). Take advantage of this down time to think about what it is that you pragmatically want in a relationship. This one or any other. I worry that the biggest thing you get out of this relationship is reassurance that you are lovable, and this is why you are in such a crisis right now. What else do you want? How do you imagine a healthy relationship? How does it work? How would you two communicate? How do you behave, act and react within this framework of a healthy relationship? What would you two bring each other, other then reassurance that you are lovable? Look at this this way, this sudden NC gives you time to find some balance in something that has been nothing but whirlwind. Let it take as long as it takes for him to contact you. I am not advocating you let it slip by. Just that you take advantage of this time to re-evaluate the relationship from the perspective of what you want out of a relationship and that, when he does contact you (he likely will), you be able to approach it confidently and rationnally.
Kamille Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I would suggest taking a step back and re-calibrating things in your head. This is a 6 week relationship - consider yourself at the very beginning, and you're just starting dating...which, you really are. What are your expectations normally if you've only been dating someone for 6 weeks? Live your life, and if he calls, great. But you've got a lot of other things going on in your life, and your happiness shouldn't hinge on whether some guy you didn't even know 2 months ago calls you! Relax, and don't worry about it. If you feel like calling him over the weekend to say hello, do it. If not, don't. Don't set up so many rules and tests and challenges and deadlines in your head. Great minds think alike and simultaneously, apparently.
norajane Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Great minds think alike and simultaneously, apparently. At least we're consistent!
sb129 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 LL I think you are over reacting Take a breather Don't send his stuff back Go out with friends Go to the gym Do something you always loved doing give him the time to sort himself out and approach you Wait to hear his explanation. Then make your decision. Anything else is pre-emptive. He is allowed to have doubts. You will have doubts one day. Am I the only one who thinks you are reacting out of sheer panic? I agree..... While I think that his behaviour is erratic, and would be unacceptable to me if it continued in the long term, given the pace of the R with LL and his previous history i think his reaction is understandable.
Author LoveLace Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 Well hi all of course I have no internet at home so I don't get to visit LS at all on weekends...anyhow it's pretty much over now I think. By Saturday there was still NC; Jenny had talked me into attempting one last request for him to call me because "you need answers" she said. So I did that, and left a friendly vm...but after several hours there was no return and I couldn't take it anymore. I texted him sorry for anything I've done but I don't deserve what your doing right now and I'm done...those exact words. And I felt great after that. Jenny was glad I did it, and said I should have done it already, days before that. BUT... so THEN I get this in return "so you don't want to be with me?"....and "baby I'm sorry I thought you wanted time off"...."baby I thought you didn't feel the same"....I don't even remember everything we said or in the order we said it. But he was at work, so I said call me after your off and there won't be anymore confusion. But did he do it? Nope. Then I said if you really care about this you will call me tonight. Did he do it? Nope. Several hours later I got mean: "I see u made your choice p*ssy". He said "relax I went to bed"....whatever! one excuse after another! I ignored that. But apparently this drove him to finally call me for real; I got a vm from him on Sunday: "We got stuff to talk about here" he said, and he didn't like that text message about being a p*ssy, not mad at me but didn't like it; THEN admits yes he wanted time off and didn't know how to tell me! "So I guess I was a whimp in that regard..." he said..."You know I'm going through stuff right now and I hope you can respect that"....then went on to say for me to call him back or text him, or that he would call me tomorrow (which would be today). I called back a few hours later and my message said thank you for the honesty and I appreciate it a lot. But I also said, I do respect your needs...however, I also need to feel respected when I need communication; instead of making an ass of myself as the only one trying to get real communication. We talked very little about slowing down but we failed to get into detail; whatever we decide, slowing down or ending it, has to be decided together...that way no one feels disrespected in the end and there's even a possibility of being friends because I'm open to that". It was said in a calm and mature fashion. I don't think he's going to call today like he said though; I've already packaged his things to send off and I'm calling it a day. I have a girls night out planned for this weekend, so I"m ready to meet the next guy to screw me over! But it's a bad day to get an alumni newsletter in my email with a list of my old sorority sisters and all their engagement and baby announcements, while I'm turning 31 still dating and breaking up like a damn teenager...I emailed someone back and said add this to the list: Lovelace is 31 years old and can't keep a boyfriend for longer than 2 months. If anything I'm having a harder time with that than with losing my BF specifically. It isn't hard to get over someone who isn't smart enough to fight for you...but the fear of having this kind of luck forever makes me cry like I just broke up with my BF of 20 years. So that's it it's over and I don't blame myself. There are things I would go back and do differently but after the way he's treated me now I know I deserve better, so if anything I'm glad I found out how immaturely he handles these situations.
Author LoveLace Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 I've already learned that 2 months is long enough for a LOT of things to remind you of someone....I've already heard several songs on the radio that we listened to together and stupid stuff like that...so multiply this by 20 X and I think of what people go through after it's been years...f*ck that I never want to do this again.
underpants Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 Awe Lovelace, ((HUGS)) You handled yourself well. I agreed (and laughed a little) with so much of your update post. At least you figured it out in 2 months rather then investing more time and emotion in someone that can't recriprocate it.
Kamille Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 I'm so sorry hon! But yes you did handle it well. And two months has proven in the past to be enough for me to fall head over heels for someone. It's been my experience that whirlwind romance are the toughest ones to get over. They start fast and end abruptly, with very little warning and no negociation and that's what hurts. we're here for you babe!
sb129 Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 Sorry to hear about the outcome LL.... Hope you are doing OK. I find kickboxing classes particularly useful at times like these. Cheer up!
oppath Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 I'm so sorry hon! But yes you did handle it well. And two months has proven in the past to be enough for me to fall head over heels for someone. It's been my experience that whirlwind romance are the toughest ones to get over. They start fast and end abruptly, with very little warning and no negociation and that's what hurts. we're here for you babe! Yep, I agree, when things appear to be going really well and then all of a sudden, within the period of a few days, there is a big change and no negotiation: those often inflict the most pain, because it doesn't feel like the relationship ran its course, and you feel cheated in some way. You did nothing wrong; all I would suggest doing differently in the future is making more clear what you mean and want by space for a few days. I suppose in the future, you can choose not to get involved with someone until their divorce is final. I have a similar history as you. I get involved with women just out of long term relationships. It was pointed out to me -- AGE is probably the biggest reason they don't work out -- but really, it wasn't a matter of them getting over the ex, it was that the ex was still somehow in the picture. The loose ends weren't tied up. Getting involved with someone out of a relationship is a risk sometimes worth taking. I think the key thing is making sure the loose ends are tied up. In this case, the divorce wasn't final. Another lesson to learn, is that the emotional intensity was really strong right away for a potential rebound/LDR. Pay more attention to compatibility than chemistry. You need both, but lasting connections require the former over the latter.
norajane Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 I'm sorry things turned out the way they did, but I guess it's better to know now what kind of guy he is, and how he handles things. Personally, the lesson I'd take away from this is to never, ever, ever date a guy who conducts his personal life via text messages.
oppath Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 I'm sorry things turned out the way they did, but I guess it's better to know now what kind of guy he is, and how he handles things. Personally, the lesson I'd take away from this is to never, ever, ever date a guy who conducts his personal life via text messages. Word. I wonder how many relationships end because of misunderstandings over text and email? Anything important = talk on the phone or if possible, face to face. When I've gotten in disagreements over IM I immediately pick up the phone and call to make things right. I don't want any misunderstandings.
Author LoveLace Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 Ya'll a love this...well ok it's partially my fault, but I texted much earlier today and asked if he got my message from last night (the one that said, either slow down or break up)....he texts me back "Yes...let's take a break for now". Well ok...but what do I say to that? How bout nothing? I could say but won't say "Sounds good. Hopefully I'll find a new guy by the time the break is over", or how bout, "Sure, honey, if that's what you want, cuz you know, this is all about YOU!!"....(sarcasm) Still not getting what I asked for - a real conversation - a decision to be made together. "Taking a break" is still not specific enough! Does it mean we're seeing other people? Is it just a nicer way to say "I want to break up with you"? Does it mean "I want you to wait around for me and I have no timeline for ya" ? I dont want to say anything, and just send his sh*t back...but then would that be saying "F*ck your break, here's your stuff"? Or does it just make sense because we're 2 hrs. a part and know we won't see each other anytime soon, so I'm just sending your stuff back? Either way, I'm not responding to that text...I'm going to take it for how I perceive it, which is he doesn't want to break up, but I'm still going to meet new guys if the opportunity presents itself. I'm actually pretty happy with that perception....happier than if he'd said "we should break up" I guess...when in all reality it probably means the same thing! So if he ever calls then great, but weather or not I'll be available to him...well I kind of hope I'm not!
Trialbyfire Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 It's a losing proposition when someone won't communicate or negotiate. Very immature and cowardly. Don't play the game LL. Just walk away and leave him to play his little power game by himself. Don't send him his items or destroy them. In sending him his items, you are still trying to illicit a response from him. If he asks for them, don't respond until you feel strong enough to respond dispassionately. If it takes a year, so be it.
Recommended Posts