underpants Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Honestly, I would be hesitant to even respond with one word answers unless he asks you a question and it would be really rude not to. If you do ever respond and he responds back, don't respond back again. Send him the message that your interest is waning/you're getting fed up. The advantage to doing it this way instead of just telling him is that he will feel less pressured. Ignoring somebody sends a very strong message. This is true. If you can distance yourself emotionally from the contact and embrace that aloofness trait that we have (my Aquarian sister) this does work. I had a guy that was interested in me and I did all this (because I was not interested) and he still calls me. Funny. He would text and ....I would not respond because it was just some information. Then he would call and hang up (I have caller id on my cell dummy) then recently he called pretending to be the wrong number. I said...hey is this so and so, he admitted it and we had a chat and caught up. Then he said he missed me. I am just amazed. I went on 4 dates with him and they were just friendly dates....a year ago. (and I did lay it out that there would be no romantic future between us...very respectfully) The power of aloofness is a funny thing. Sometimes misinterrperted as being 'challanging' I guess.
Trialbyfire Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I'll lay it out then. Firstly, I hope you don't have a massive list of expectations for him. If so, you will be SOL. In order for someone to attempt to meet your expectations, you have to logically define them, so it's easily understandable and not filled with major angst and hand fluttering. If they refuse to meet your expectations, you then make a decision if this is acceptable to you or not. If not, pull away. If so, let...it...go...
Author LoveLace Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 I confess I haven't read this entire thread. LL, have you laid it all out for him? Not sure what you mean by that...but I think in the beginning, we talked so much more about the future than just us as individuals, that it clouded our ability to really stay into each other. I feel like we're starting over in a sense at this point, cuz we agreed to be more low-key and just enjoy it. It's kind of a strange transition to go from "you are the one" to just "dating" or whatever...but I think we're gradually gonna get there...to the point where it's comfortable and not so overwhelming.
Author LoveLace Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 This is true. If you can distance yourself emotionally from the contact and embrace that aloofness trait that we have (my Aquarian sister) this does work. I had a guy that was interested in me and I did all this (because I was not interested) and he still calls me. Funny. He would text and ....I would not respond because it was just some information. Then he would call and hang up (I have caller id on my cell dummy) then recently he called pretending to be the wrong number. I said...hey is this so and so, he admitted it and we had a chat and caught up. Then he said he missed me. I am just amazed. I went on 4 dates with him and they were just friendly dates....a year ago. (and I did lay it out that there would be no romantic future between us...very respectfully) The power of aloofness is a funny thing. Sometimes misinterrperted as being 'challanging' I guess. I like the idea of pretending he's just some guy that I'm not really interested in...I'm gonna do that....switch gears from being all over it to being somewhat mysterious...but not cold.
shadowplay Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I like the idea of pretending he's just some guy that I'm not really interested in...I'm gonna do that....switch gears from being all over it to being somewhat mysterious...but not cold. This will work...it's hard to do but it's always worked for me. Just when you stop caring they come crawling back almost like they can read your mind...it's pretty striking. If he sends you a text saying "hi" i wouldn't respond. Then if he sends another when you don't respond saying "hi" again or "how's it going" send a very short, somewhat cold response response like "ok" or "hey." I wouldn't make any demands on him or "lay it all out" until the point where he comes crawling back. Keep him guessing for awhile.
Ariadne Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Hi, I wouldn't make any demands on him or "lay it all out" until the point where he comes crawling back. Keep him guessing for awhile. Someone emailed this to me about the LL's situation: That guy is already on the verge of dumping her.. She doesn't have a chance in hell to make this relationship work. I'd agree. Ariadne
underpants Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Hi, I wouldn't make any demands on him or "lay it all out" until the point where he comes crawling back. Keep him guessing for awhile. Someone emailed this to me about the LL's situation: That guy is already on the verge of dumping her.. She doesn't have a chance in hell to make this relationship work. I'd agree. Ariadne What would you suggest she do? Drive to his house, spy on him and then put some blood on his car? ....if they are unicorn blessed, cloud puff soul mates shoudn't we all clap or hands real fast and it will be true?
Ariadne Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Hi, What would you suggest she do? Drive to his house, spy on him and then put some blood on his car? There's nothing she can do at this point. He already saw her true colors didn't like it. Ariadne
Author LoveLace Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 Hi, I wouldn't make any demands on him or "lay it all out" until the point where he comes crawling back. Keep him guessing for awhile. Someone emailed this to me about the LL's situation: That guy is already on the verge of dumping her.. She doesn't have a chance in hell to make this relationship work. I'd agree. Ariadne Gee I'm gonna cry
Ariadne Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Well, Gee I'm gonna cry At least the roommate is becoming interested now. Ariadne
Author LoveLace Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 And I am history, I was nothing, nothing at all. You deserve it. And I feel like getting drunk again, is the only way to be happy at times like these it seems. At least today. But I've been through that before. I spent weeks getting drunk every day, till I had to drink in the morning even. I'd go through 4 liter bottles of wine in no time, and I had started emailing Denver guy crazy stuff. That I still loved him and sending him pictures..by Ariadne pathetic.
Trialbyfire Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 May I ask what's so valuable about a guy who decides that he's more important than the relationship?
Ariadne Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Hi, pathetic. Yeah, I guess so. I loved Denver guy, I still do not sure why. Ariadne
Author LoveLace Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 May I ask what's so valuable about a guy who decides that he's more important than the relationship? Well after being extremely screwd over by his Ex I think his attitude is that no woman is worth whatever devotion he gave to her; out of fear he'll be screwd again, no doubt. But it doesn't make him invaluable to date. Everything else about him is very valuable in my eyes....maybe not right now...but in general.
Trialbyfire Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Well after being extremely screwd over by his Ex I think his attitude is that no woman is worth whatever devotion he gave to her; out of fear he'll be screwd again, no doubt. But it doesn't make him invaluable to date. Everything else about him is very valuable in my eyes....maybe not right now...but in general. His insecurities are his burden to bear. If he wants to make a relationship work, he has to work on his issues and not bring them into a current relationship to the point where it affects the relationship. Same goes for you. LL, there really are more fish out there. Value and respect yourself.
sb129 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Someone emailed this to me about the LL's situation: That guy is already on the verge of dumping her.. She doesn't have a chance in hell to make this relationship work. If you are so disdainful of LL, why are you bothering to email other people and discuss LLs situation, especially when (No offense intended at ALL, LL) its not that unusual or even about anyone you know? Sounds a little obsessive to me.
Author LoveLace Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 His insecurities are his burden to bear. If he wants to make a relationship work, he has to work on his issues and not bring them into a current relationship to the point where it affects the relationship. Same goes for you. LL, there really are more fish out there. Value and respect yourself. I don't deny theres more fish but there's no reason to give up on it; something like this was bound to happen since we've moved so fast; if it didn't involve his Ex or my abandonment issues it probably would have been something else. If other fish come along then great but I don't have time to be out fishing so I might as well see what happens with the one I have now. It isn't like it's a waste of time to do that. I'm not married to him. I'd still date a new guy at this point. But it seems like everyone brings something into a relationship, which I've especially learned since my late 20's and now being 30...it's hard not to find someone without some type of baggage weather it's an Ex or family drama so ya just about expect it at this age. It all depends on what you can tolerate. So if my BF and me take it slower, perhaps both of our issues can be a little more "tolerable" to each other....it isn't as though he beats me. Then I could understand questioning my self-respect. We've created awkwardness between us but it won't go away overnight.
sb129 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 LL- thats the attitude to have. Atta girl! You aren't totally writing it off, but you are acknowledging that there is baggage, and that the brakes need to be applied a little to allow for said baggage to be dealt with, which if its done well, will ultimately benefit the R in the long run.
Trialbyfire Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I don't deny theres more fish but there's no reason to give up on it; something like this was bound to happen since we've moved so fast; if it didn't involve his Ex or my abandonment issues it probably would have been something else. If other fish come along then great but I don't have time to be out fishing so I might as well see what happens with the one I have now. It isn't like it's a waste of time to do that. I'm not married to him. I'd still date a new guy at this point. But it seems like everyone brings something into a relationship, which I've especially learned since my late 20's and now being 30...it's hard not to find someone without some type of baggage weather it's an Ex or family drama so ya just about expect it at this age. It all depends on what you can tolerate. So if my BF and me take it slower, perhaps both of our issues can be a little more "tolerable" to each other....it isn't as though he beats me. Then I could understand questioning my self-respect. We've created awkwardness between us but it won't go away overnight. I agree that everyone comes with baggage. You'd best decide if it's only insecurities or an inherent selfishness. Sometimes the two go hand-in-hand and so you're looking at a guy who will try to change the shape of your relationship without any concern for you, in the future. I'm 32, which is two years older than you. I'm in no hurry to settle for someone who doesn't consider me their priority.
Ariadne Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Hi, why are you bothering to email other people and discuss LLs situation, especially when (No offense intended at ALL, LL) its not that unusual or even about anyone you know? That was my best friend who also is a member of this board. She's been following this thread. Ariadne
sb129 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Hi, why are you bothering to email other people and discuss LLs situation, especially when (No offense intended at ALL, LL) its not that unusual or even about anyone you know? That was my best friend who also is a member of this board. She's been following this thread. Ariadne OK fair enough. Does this person want to contribute herself, or will she speak through you? I guess she needs to to avoid identification now!.
Author LoveLace Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 I agree that everyone comes with baggage. You'd best decide if it's only insecurities or an inherent selfishness. Sometimes the two go hand-in-hand and so you're looking at a guy who will try to change the shape of your relationship without any concern for you, in the future. I'm 32, which is two years older than you. I'm in no hurry to settle for someone who doesn't consider me their priority. I was practically his only priority for dang near 2 mos. If we want to take it down a notch, no big deal.
Ariadne Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Oh, OK fair enough. Does this person want to contribute herself, or will she speak through you? I guess she needs to to avoid identification now!. Dunno. Ariadne
Trialbyfire Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I was practically his only priority for dang near 2 mos. If we want to take it down a notch, no big deal. As previously specified, if you're satisfied with what you're getting now, that's your choice. As long as you're willing to own your choice when the time comes and things don't work out the way you wished, it's all good. Keep in mind that in accepting his behaviour, you empower him.
Author LoveLace Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 So yesterday/last night was 1st time since dating that there was no contact what so ever from either of us! I managed to go out visit 2 different friends last night, then I drove around and blared some of my favorite songs, went home and went to bed. I don't know why exactly but surprisingly I'm in a good mood and I'm not really trippin' over it. I have a busy weekend in front of me, so if I don't talk to him well I can't say it's a big deal. I'm crabby on my clinical weekends, cuz I have to be up at 5:30am and work 16 hours with no pay, then back at work Monday morning...these weekends are miserable for me...he knows that...I've apologized for taking my crabiness out on him a couple times. Right now probably isn't even the best time for me to be trying a freakin RSHP. If we break up, we break up...I don't even have time to be sad about it, hardly. His loss not mine, I don't have a choice to but to pick up and move right along cuz I'll get really behind if I don't; and nursing school is tons more important than a penis... I'm sure not hearing from him might get a little harder as time goes along, but still, not a lot of time in my busy schedule to ponder it.
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