Ariadne Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Hi, True, but they should also be more empathetic toward those who are going through the same thing they have. The sad reality of human nature is we're often hardest on those who remind us of ourselves. Nah, I'm very blunt. Obsessive yes, totally, but not undermined crap. And that's all I've been seeing ever since the roomate story, and then playing coy. I point it out, you guys take it "bad". Ariadne
Star Gazer Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 but yea how do I say "Look this is B.S" in a nice way and without saying it means we should break up? hhmmm...if your too sweet it's passive-aggressive, but if your a little too forward your a b*tch (to guys I mean)... You're only looking at two ends of a very broad spectrum. There's a very effective middle ground. You say, "I have thought about this a great deal. I want ___(insert what you want)___. You are not capable of giving me that right now. Don't argue with me and say you are, because you're actions demonstrate otherwise. Perhaps some day there's the possibility that we can have ___________, but not right now. You need time to heal. I need to be with someone who's already whole. If someday we find ourselves in that position, great. If not, that's okay too. I only want what's best for both of us, and *this* just isn't it right now."
Star Gazer Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Hi, True, but they should also be more empathetic toward those who are going through the same thing they have. The sad reality of human nature is we're often hardest on those who remind us of ourselves. Nah, I'm very blunt. Obsessive yes, totally, but not undermined crap. And that's all I've been seeing ever since the roomate story, and then playing coy. I point it out, you guys take it "bad". Ariadne Out of curiosity, Ariadne, where are you from? I'm wondering if there's some sort of cultural communication barrier here.
Author LoveLace Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 I couldn't agree more. That's why I probably seem so b*tchy and impatient with some girls here, because I see the same thing in them that I hate about myself and I just want them to STOP THE MADNESS!!! LOL good lookin' out
Ariadne Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Hi, Out of curiosity, Ariadne, where are you from? I'm wondering if there's some sort of cultural communication barrier here. Originally from South America, some small town near Brazil. Ariadne
Cobra_X30 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 You're only looking at two ends of a very broad spectrum. There's a very effective middle ground. You say, "I have thought about this _____ a great deal. I want ___(insert what you want)___. You are not capable of giving me that ____ right now. Don't argue with me and say you are, because you're actions demonstrate otherwise. Perhaps some day there's the possibility that we can have ___________, but not right now. You need time to heal. I need _____ to be with someone who's already whole. If someday we find ourselves in that ____ position, great. If not, that's okay too. I only want what's best for both of us, and *this* ____ just isn't it right now." I dont know why... but when I read your statement I kept mentally filling in the blanks with the word sex.... I added a few blanks too!
Author LoveLace Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 I dont know why... but when I read your statement I kept mentally filling in the blanks with the word sex.... I added a few blanks too! lol
norajane Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I dunno - I don't get it. Why are you wanting to break up with him? What are these games you think he's playing? What exactly is the drama/trauma at the moment? Because he hasn't called in a couple of days? Didn't you tell him that you wanted him not to call for 2 days? And, by the way, when people say, I'll call ya later, or I'll talk to you later, I assume they mean, you know, later. Not necessarily that particular night. You both agreed to take it slower, right? Maybe that's all he's doing and you're getting worked up over it because your expectations of slower are different?
Kamille Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I hope you haven't spoken to him yet. Love lace! SLOW DOWN. You don't need to break up, hell, you don't even need to have a talk just yet. All you need is some time to get some perspective. Go out, go to the gym, go get a massage, do something that will relax you. You seem to go into extremes really fast. You had a bad weekend and he's been less present. Panicking about it and acting out on that panick isn't going to help anything. Yogi Kamille says: find your center darling. Take deep breaths, visualize yourself feeling at peace and confident in yourself. I'm not really a yogi, but that exercise always helps me.
oppath Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 You make a great point. And if I hadn't lived in California for 7 years where people flake out on plans, really, for no other reason other than they just can't be bothered that day, I would agree with you. California is like a good cereal...full of fruits, nuts, and flakes.
Author LoveLace Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 OH how I'd love to exercise or get a massage. But since school started back up, the only time I've had for anything like that is if Marty's been the one to give me a massage!! I work 40 hrs./week and I have school 2 nights/week, and if I don't use the remaining nights to study or do homework, I get behind. I'm not a part-time student either...it's more semi-full-time. If you include my clinical weekends, I'm really working 56 hrs/ week. Life is rush rush rush of course; the most relaxing thing I get time for is watching TV a few min. after I get home from school at 10pm. anyhow, you don't care bout that! I would normally go to the gym after work...but can't when I have to be at school right after work instead. At school last night, my friend Stacy gave me copies of pictures she took from the day I met Marty. I invited her along for the winery trip that day. She kept forgetting the pictures though so she just now got them to me. They were awesome pics, both Marty and I were some of them; not together but just in them. So I'm all excited about it and text him last night that the pics were fabulous and I'll make him copies. He doesn't get off work till 11:15 or so; but by 10:30 I was pretty tired and decided I was going to bed. I texted "going to conk out now gd night". So I'm laying trying to sleep, and around 11:15 he texted me this: "Dyed my soul patch"....he had been talking about dying the hair on his chin forever. Of course I sit up and I'm all anxious to text him back, but I stopped myself. I just didn't want it show. So I went into the kitchen, made myself a bowl of cereal and ate it. 10-15 minutes went by. Then I texted him back "What color?"...he said black. I asked if he liked it, yes he says. I'm just going along with texting, even though he said he'd call. At one point I said "..hope I get to see it..." he replies "Oh Yeah"; but most of my replies were one-word answers like "cool" or "sweet"...then a couple minutes of silence...then I'd be the one picking the conv. back up by asking him a question. "Wucha doin?", he said getting ready for bed. I said I miss you and he said I miss you too. I asked how his stomach is feeling he said "fine". I was tired of carrying the conv. I finally said "get some sleep. good night babe" and he didn't respond at all. I went to sleep. Jenny says he's probably trying to give me space, as I did mention that to him a few days ago. But he would normally say good night in return...oh well...minimal contact is better than NC right? But by texting I could be making him think that's all I want. He knows when the most convenient times are to call me, so he's got that option for today/tonight. I feel better now but that's exactly why I"m not comfortable making any initial contact what so ever today. I guess we're cool and just "slowing down" which is fine. I didn't mind that he didn't bring up any recent issues, and it's ok with me to act casual right now; I'd rather be in person for deep conversation, anyway. Today I'm finally "content" and not worried, or anxious, or feeling abandoned...do I need a shrink?
underpants Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Do you like the texting thing? I just can't get into that. Ha, I probably have lots of text messages that I have not even read. If you want to talk to me...you better call. You said you were going to sleep then he texted some off the wall thing about dying his goatee. Then you responded? Then you two texted for a while. Maybe this is the new thing? If I do get a text I just call the person back and explain that I can not spend time finding tiny letters on my phone....or ....I text back...call me if you want to talk (in case of children in the home, or such). Maybe I am un cool.... I am glad you are at peace with slowing down on any expectations. However, I would insist on more valid forms of communication then texting. Maybe that is just me.
Author LoveLace Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 Underpants, I do not particularly like texting, at least not for ongoing conversations. But I want for him to initiate calling, so that's why I ended the texting thing 1st. He said he would "call" but he didn't do that. And I didn't want to sound naggy and say "why don't you call me?"...nor did I want to call him in case he's more comfortable with texting for now...but yea I didn't want the texting to go on for 2 hrs. like our phone conversations do...that's just stupid...if he knows its ok to text me...you'd think he knows it's ok to call too...??
Trialbyfire Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Step back, breath in, breath out. LL, what good is coming from this anxiety? Do you feel it's worthwhile to drive yourself crazy over him?
underpants Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Underpants, I do not particularly like texting, at least not for ongoing conversations. But I want for him to initiate calling, so that's why I ended the texting thing 1st. He said he would "call" but he didn't do that. And I didn't want to sound naggy and say "why don't you call me?"...nor did I want to call him in case he's more comfortable with texting for now...but yea I didn't want the texting to go on for 2 hrs. like our phone conversations do...that's just stupid...if he knows its ok to text me...you'd think he knows it's ok to call too...?? Okay, Here is a suggestion. If he text you again respond..."good to hear from you...I would love to talk but I would prefer a call...texting is kind of hard on the eyes for me" This is reasonable as you are studying alot. You can explain during the call that with all the reading you do for school that it is nice to hear his voice and not have to read more. Now, for the phonecall bit. 2 hours? That is a long call. Maybe keep it short like 30 minutes and all super fun and up beat. If he (feels) like he has to set aside 2 hours to call you then maybe in his head somewhere this is a hurdle. Shorten the calls and end them first. This is going to sound so wrong.....train him to want to persue you more. (hides in corner)
Author LoveLace Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 Yea now that he's made some contact I want to start "training" him if I can...what if I text and say "good to hear from you last night...call me later"....or should I remain silent for today? Not all of our phone conversations have been 2 hours...over the last week they were much shorter because he's so tired after work.. but when we talked about it I explained it's ok because I shouldn't be up that late anyway...he was working a lot of over time last week and dead tired..in the beginning they were just long i think cuz we were learning a lot about each other
sb129 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 This is why texting DOES my head in for anything other than "On way home from work will pick up dinner. Any requests?" or other such administrative reasons. You can't hear someones tone of voice, you can't see their face, you have a limited number of words in which to get your message across. It is soooooo easy to misinterpret. My ex BF and I used to have EPIC fights via text alone () which were utterly pathetic. And yes, I was just as much to blame for perpetuating them by replying. His texts used to wind me up so much, and then he wouldn't answer if I called, so I would text, and then he would text back, ad NAUSEUM. i agree with Unders re: keeping it short.
Author LoveLace Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 Duh...never mind..telling him to call me wouldn't be training him would it..
shadowplay Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I think the best thing you can do is initiate no more contact and be very unresponsive to any communication less than calling. If he texts you again with something like "call you later" simply ignore it. Resist the temtptation to respond or initiate anything for at least a week... unless he asks you a question, in which case you should give him a very short reply and wait a few hours to give it. Do this for a week or so and he will break down eventually and call you. Believe me, it works. He's acting cowardly and childish, imo.
underpants Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Yea now that he's made some contact I want to start "training" him if I can...what if I text and say "good to hear from you last night...call me later"....or should I remain silent for today? Not all of our phone conversations have been 2 hours...over the last week they were much shorter because he's so tired after work.. but when we talked about it I explained it's ok because I shouldn't be up that late anyway...he was working a lot of over time last week and dead tired..in the beginning they were just long i think cuz we were learning a lot about each other I would be silent for today. Also I don't like the 'call me later' part. Wait it out today and tonight and if he does not call you or text you then tomorrow you could text him a funny remark, like....'I dyed my hootchie'. He might text back...but I think he would call. If he does text back (I would ignore it) wait another couple of days and text something else funny. I would try to eliminate the words 'it's okay' from the conversations if you can make the effort to. Like I said just make sure to end the calls first. Oh, I have to go my friend Stacy just popped over or I really need to hit the books but it was so great to talk to you...it would be great to see you this weekend if you feel up for something let me know. I hope to hear from you soon....bye. That is me though....(and I am single) ...disclaimer.
shadowplay Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I would be silent for today. Also I don't like the 'call me later' part. Wait it out today and tonight and if he does not call you or text you then tomorrow you could text him a funny remark, like....'I dyed my hootchie'. He might text back...but I think he would call. If he does text back (I would ignore it) wait another couple of days and text something else funny. I would try to eliminate the words 'it's okay' from the conversations if you can make the effort to. Like I said just make sure to end the calls first. Oh, I have to go my friend Stacy just popped over or I really need to hit the books but it was so great to talk to you...it would be great to see you this weekend if you feel up for something let me know. I hope to hear from you soon....bye. That is me though....(and I am single) ...disclaimer. I disagree that she should initiate any more texts, no matter how casual or jokey they may be. I think this will be pretty transparent to him. Also it sends the message that she is ok with keeping up superficial banter without making real contact. She needs to seriously pull back and stop contacting him at all short of completely snubbing him. This is the only thing that I believe will work.
Author LoveLace Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 I agree..I think NC at all would be better than even sporadic jokes or whatever. If he texts me again I shoot him the one-word answers again...(which I did last night...but started to get more wordy as I went along!)...if he says "call ya later" I'll ignore it...we'll see what happens if anything tonight...
Trialbyfire Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I confess I haven't read this entire thread. LL, have you laid it all out for him?
shadowplay Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I agree..I think NC at all would be better than even sporadic jokes or whatever. If he texts me again I shoot him the one-word answers again...(which I did last night...but started to get more wordy as I went along!)...if he says "call ya later" I'll ignore it...we'll see what happens if anything tonight... Honestly, I would be hesitant to even respond with one word answers unless he asks you a question and it would be really rude not to. If you do ever respond and he responds back, don't respond back again. Send him the message that your interest is waning/you're getting fed up. The advantage to doing it this way instead of just telling him is that he will feel less pressured. Ignoring somebody sends a very strong message.
Author LoveLace Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 Honestly, I would be hesitant to even respond with one word answers unless he asks you a question and it would be really rude not to. If you do ever respond and he responds back, don't respond back again. Send him the message that your interest is waning/you're getting fed up. The advantage to doing it this way instead of just telling him is that he will feel less pressured. Ignoring somebody sends a very strong message. That's great advice...a way to send the message w/out having to "talk" or anything like that. If he texts me a question I'll answer it...but what if he just says "Hi"...shouldnt I at least say "Hi" back and leave it at that? Or should I ignore that too, since it's not a question?
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