Star Gazer Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Regardless of where the relationship stands, it's NEVER okay to call a guy 20 times in a row without a response, unless you literally think he's dead. I might make a better friend than "girlfriend". This is probably true right now. That might change, someday. But don't waste your precious time waiting for him to heal.
melodymatters Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Hi Lovelace, You've been one of the LS'ers I've been following since i joined a year ago, so I consider you a virtual friend. At the same time I remember ariadne going on about " denver guy" and THAT didn't sound super healthy either so consider the source. Mean spirited, mocking criticism is not the same as CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Enough said on that. I do so understand the situation of the guy acting ( and prob in his head, being,) so head over heels, that you take that as the state of the relationship and then they get " reality cold feet". It would be like a country saying yes, were allies, I'll forgive your debt, and we'll establish a free trade agreement, and then.......they bomb you, or just do nothing. It's changing horses in midstream. And yeah, I SO let the guys do the chasing, simply because it works and I don't even want to bother with somone who isn't 110% into me. Marty gave you every indication he was RIGHT THERE, so of course you took him at his word and procedeed accordingly. I think as always Nora gave woderful advice, and I agree with her 100%. BUT a little quiz posters : If a GIRLfriend and you made plans to be somehere, do something, and other people are involved ( including children, their babysitters, etc) Wouldn't YOU expect more courtesy than LL got here ? Why do we have to be so "cool" with people we swap fluids with, when we would hold family and friends to higher expectatations ? Always bothered me, that.........
norajane Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 BUT a little quiz posters : If a GIRLfriend and you made plans to be somehere, do something, and other people are involved ( including children, their babysitters, etc) Wouldn't YOU expect more courtesy than LL got here ? Why do we have to be so "cool" with people we swap fluids with, when we would hold family and friends to higher expectatations ? Always bothered me, that......... You make a great point. And if I hadn't lived in California for 7 years where people flake out on plans, really, for no other reason other than they just can't be bothered that day, I would agree with you. Yes, he owed her the courtesy of a phone call when she tried to reach him the morning of his drive, and he should have been specific about when he was planning to arrive. By giving her no word in the morning, she could have easily thought he was too sick to make the drive. I suppose he was assuming that 'no news is good news' and she should have assumed he was coming since he didn't call to cancel. But then, LL flipped out a bit with all the calls and texts, and then she flipped out some more and left a vm about no calling for 2 days, and then she left a vm about not seeing each other until after his divorce...the reaction was a bit extreme. Taking your example, if one of her girlfriends had behaved the way he did, would LL be ready to write her off? She didn't with the guy who lives with her despite repeated flaky behavior on his part, so I'm guessing she would give her friend the benefit of the doubt.
melodymatters Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Oh, I totally agree about the overreacting, and the "lets talk mentality" you pointed out. Thats why I affirmed your advice, not that you need my thumbs up But, these boards tend to be a bit ying/yang, and i felt like she needed a little support to go with some of the almost bunny boiler accusations ! I hope she listens to BOTH of us. And again Nora, you missed your calling : when one of the dear abbey dynasty finally pass, you should be next in line !
Ariadne Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Hey, At the same time I remember ariadne going on about " denver guy" and THAT didn't sound super healthy either so consider the source. Denver guy is the best! And we'll be together one day, I have faith. Mean spirited, mocking criticism is not the same as CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Enough said on that. Yeah yeah, I find her the most annoying. Yikes. Ariadne
Author LoveLace Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Melody, Nora, I definitely agree with both of you. I'll update you 1st though...got his text yesterday morning, "Going to work...talk to ya later"...my response was "K". Cuz I'm trying to be laid back and I didn't want to be all like, "Ok when? Are you gonna call?" or anything like that. Could it be that "K" was not enthusiastic enough for him?...was I supposed to jump up and down or something? I assumed it meant he would call later. Never happened. He has been working major overtime the last couple weeks, one day he worked 16 hours...so there's always the possibility he did the same yesterday. But even still, he's always managed to call me at least once while he's at work. I don't understand what the point of that text message was. To purposely p*ss me off so that he doesn't have to break up with me the more mature way? Anyway I haven't called him; but I've had to talk myself out of it twice now. Last night I talked to Jenny and her view was this: "If he's having a cow because you called a little too much one day, you don't need to be in a relationship like that anyway". Weather or not I over-reacted Saturday, she seems to think he's still the a**hole right now, or p*ssy, whatever you wanna call it! But your right Norajane I shouldn't have left all that info on the voice mail I shoulda just said call me later. But then he wouldn't have probably. I would have ended up saying what I felt in that manner eventually I bet. I understand I have f*ckd up...and I understand he has issues apparently...but I think I've officially reached my limit of having empathy for him today. To answer your question though, we were talking on Sunday and he said "I honestly don't know if I want to get married again" , I told him that's totally ok and said I was actually glad to hear that he's not in a hurry anymore. He also said he still misses his wife sometimes, but I wasn't surprised by that, and I said it's understandable. At one point I said "Maybe we shouldn't see each other until your more over it"...he said "You don't wanna see each other anymore?"....I said "No of course I'd love to keep to seeing each other"....then as we walked out of the winery he threw his arms around me and the day only got more fun from there. After that was when he expressed wanting to stay an extra night instead of going home yet. I also mentioned in the same conversation he's the best boyfriend I ever had. But I'm guessing he doesn't want to be that anymore. We've also had plans for me to visit him next weekend (not this one but next one), even Sunday we talked about it but very little...I'm wondering when I should assume this is no longer the plan? Right now, I'm wondering if I'm supposed to assume that it's over cuz not calling doesn't exactly make me think he misses me. I'm supposed to let him have the p*ssy way out which is annoying but I guess I'm p*ssy for leaving voice mails....well yea but still, a break-up should be done more respectfully. Like you said Melody, from 1 extreme the other....1 week ago he said I'm his soulmate. There is also a chance that he's trying to give me or both of us the "space" that I mentioned...but somehow I doubt that. Thanks girls.
Author LoveLace Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 K just got another text, "Good morning...heading to work I'll call ya later"...I replied "Overtime I take it- okay ttyl". So basically he said the same thing as his text yesterday, only a tad nicer and more precise. But I don't want to count on him really calling later, because he didn't do it yesterday either. And it used to be that every text or message he left included those pet names like "baby", etc, well none of that since the weekend. My intutition's telling me he wants to end it; but it's both of our faults if ya ask me. Funny thing is...all day Friday last week I had a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, that came from nowhere. He and I talked on the phone as normal the night before, and everything was normal as far as I knew. Friday was when he was supposed to arrive for the weekend. I didn't talk to him all day Friday until he texted that he was sick and would arrive Sat. instead. Once I got that message, the feeling in my stomach literally disappeared. But it was truly a sick-like feeling...and thought to myself, something bad is about happen. And I knew it'd be something bigger than him just saying he was sick; next time I hope I listen to those feelings and not f*ck up so bad.
Star Gazer Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 got his text yesterday morning, "Going to work...talk to ya later"...my response was "K". K just got another text, "Good morning...heading to work I'll call ya later"...I replied "Overtime I take it- okay ttyl". So basically he said the same thing as his text yesterday, only a tad nicer and more precise. How are these really any different? You responded to the second message in a kinda catty/passive-aggressive way, don't you think? I think your conclusion that he's trying to end it is correct. He's simply postponing the inevitable. I'd recommend you nip this in the bud as soon as you can, rather than allow him to drag it out forevvvvvveeeeerrr.
underpants Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Lovelace, I don't think you 'f'd up so bad'. Honestly, if he is still in the process of getting divorced. He is probably all over the map emotionally. This has nothing to do with you or your actions. He might just plain not be ready. I am not sure how long his marriage has been over or how long until his D is final. If you do genuinely care for him it might be best to revert to friendship until he sorts himself out. You matter also. Just be open and honest with him about where you are coming from along with acknowledging where he is at. Maybe you two have potential down the line? I wouldn't wait around though and I would let him know this.
Ariadne Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Hey, How are these really any different? lol He's probably just trying to tame the beast. I mean, even she said: "I think I've been too paranoid and too naggy." She's probably telling us half of the story and you can imagine what those VMs looked like. Notice how immediately after the guy started being loving she assumed the paper of demanding mother/wife, telling him to "call her" a hundred times and what not. I've been going out with guys for month and I never tell them to call me, if anything I call them back, and if they call is because they want to. You responded to the second message in a kinda catty/passive-aggressive way, don't you think? What about this? ---- He: I honestly don't know if I want to get married again LL: That's totally ok and said I was actually glad to hear that he's not in a hurry anymore. He: said he still misses his wife sometimes LL: Maybe we shouldn't see each other until your more over it... () He: You don't wanna see each other anymore? LL: No of course I'd love to keep to seeing each other... ~ as we walked out of the winery he threw his arms around me ~ the day only got more fun from there ~ he expressed wanting to stay an extra night ~ I also mentioned in the same conversation he's the best boyfriend I ever had ---- Ariadne
sb129 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Ariadne, knock it off. While alot of what you are saying is valid, the WAY in which you say it is quite nasty. If you find Lovelace annoying, why bother posting in her threads? Don't take all your black moods out on her, thats not fair.
shadowplay Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Hey, How are these really any different? lol He's probably just trying to tame the beast. I mean, even she said: "I think I've been too paranoid and too naggy." She's probably telling us half of the story and you can imagine what those VMs looked like. Notice how immediately after the guy started being loving she assumed the paper of demanding mother/wife, telling him to "call her" a hundred times and what not. I've been going out with guys for month and I never tell them to call me, if anything I call them back, and if they call is because they want to. You responded to the second message in a kinda catty/passive-aggressive way, don't you think? What about this? ---- He: I honestly don't know if I want to get married again LL: That's totally ok and said I was actually glad to hear that he's not in a hurry anymore. He: said he still misses his wife sometimes LL: Maybe we shouldn't see each other until your more over it... () He: You don't wanna see each other anymore? LL: No of course I'd love to keep to seeing each other... ~ as we walked out of the winery he threw his arms around me ~ the day only got more fun from there ~ he expressed wanting to stay an extra night ~ I also mentioned in the same conversation he's the best boyfriend I ever had ---- Ariadne Ariadne, I'm baffled that you could be critical of another woman for being needy when you literally stalked a guy for months, sent him creepy emails that could have gotten you arrested, and drove thousands of miles to watch him through binoculars! Seriously, you're in NO position to talk, it's ridiculous. You're clearly mentally unstable and taking out your **** on LL.
shadowplay Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Ariadne, knock it off. While alot of what you are saying is valid, the WAY in which you say it is quite nasty. If you find Lovelace annoying, why bother posting in her threads? Don't take all your black moods out on her, thats not fair. I agree completely. Miss Glenn Close here especially needs to shut her trap.
Author LoveLace Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Thanks sb but ariadne can do whatever she wants cuz I"m not even paying it any attention. But to say I'm only telling half the story...ha ha ha....I tell you all things in more detail than I even tell my friends on the phone cuz I express better with writing than with talking. I'm sure I don't manage to touch every single little thing but ya better believe I let it pour for the most part, which many here will agree with me there. I should in the Guineess book of records for longest LS posts....I used write freakin novels though and I type super fast... Stargazer are you saying I should break up with him 1st? Cuz I thought of that already, I'm still tempted to just say it's over cuz of these little games he's playing. Maybe I text or call often or whatever, but I don't play games. Today Jenny said "I still think he's acting like a third-grader"...but when I mentioned being the one to just end it now, LSackers told me I'm jumping to conclusions by having these thoughts. So who the hell is right and wrong? Who knows. Just because I replied to his text it was passive-aggressive? Oh please. I mentioned the overtime because he only goes into work early morning when he's doing overtime. It was only a text responding to his, nothing he needs to reply to. Oh I guess it was too friendly...well who cares? I've done much worse than that already, which I've gladly admitted to so JC people you have to pick at every dam thing. In general terms I agree with most everyone on all sides but someone always has to pick a part one single text message like this is freakin' CSI.
Author LoveLace Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Ariadne, I'm baffled that you could be critical of another woman for being needy when you literally stalked a guy for months, sent him creepy emails that could have gotten you arrested, and drove thousands of miles to watch him through binoculars! Seriously, you're in NO position to talk, it's ridiculous. You're clearly mentally unstable and taking out your **** on LL. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha LOL ha ha ha ha ha wow I knew she was a little too ignorant but OMG she must be total freaking Psycho....I feel dumb for calling my BF too much much less doing enough to get arrested OMG who the hell is she to criticize anyone!! Me and my BF don't even email period and binoculars are you serious!! OMG
sb129 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Ariadne, I'm baffled that you could be critical of another woman for being needy when you literally stalked a guy for months, sent him creepy emails that could have gotten you arrested, and drove thousands of miles to watch him through binoculars! Seriously, you're in NO position to talk, it's ridiculous. You're clearly mentally unstable and taking out your **** on LL. WTF? You are sitting in one helluva glass house there Ariadne. Sheesh. LL.... just give it a few days break. Don't announce it to him, don't break up with him, just make plans for the weekend, keep busy, keep contact to a minimum, and then talk to him about it face to face when you see him next.
Ariadne Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Hey, stalked a guy for months, sent him creepy emails that could have gotten you arrested, and drove thousands of miles to watch him through binoculars! But at least I'm forward... Ariadne
melodymatters Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Yeah, relax LL, your text was fine. One can overanylise ANYTHING. If I were you, I would just mentally put myself back to PM ( pre-marty) and live your life as always. He may just need a little time BECAUSE things were so intense. Don't break up, don't overreact, just be coooooool lovelace who's got her own stuff going on. One thing that always worked for me to figure out a proper and healthy response, is to "recast" the person as one of my old pals. Example : What would I write, say, think if Jenny for example, wrote, said did that. Thats why all the guys we DON'T fancy keep coming around, and the ones we lose sleep over make us act like psycho's. We give them too much power. So, think of a guy pal who crushes on you, and respond to marty EXACTLY as you would to him !
sb129 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Hey, stalked a guy for months, sent him creepy emails that could have gotten you arrested, and drove thousands of miles to watch him through binoculars! But at least I'm forward... Ariadne You don't say...
Author LoveLace Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Good advice guys, but now that he saaays he'll call later I guess we might end up talking then...or I could play HTG and not even answer?? he hee...but no really it's cool cuz nursing school is keeping me veerry busy and I'll have clinicals all weekend long so I won't have time for fun even if I wanted to. I have 2 exams this week including tonight and I'm still managing to be pretty well prepared. I'd miss him a lot but no guy is going to throw off my concentration. If he doesn't call tonight, oh well, on with it. I'd love to talk with him in person but that's hard being 100 miles a part and both with odd/demanding schedules.
Star Gazer Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Stargazer are you saying I should break up with him 1st? Cuz I thought of that already, I'm still tempted to just say it's over cuz of these little games he's playing. Maybe I text or call often or whatever, but I don't play games. Today Jenny said "I still think he's acting like a third-grader"...but when I mentioned being the one to just end it now, LSackers told me I'm jumping to conclusions by having these thoughts. So who the hell is right and wrong? Who knows. Just because I replied to his text it was passive-aggressive? Oh please. I mentioned the overtime because he only goes into work early morning when he's doing overtime. It was only a text responding to his, nothing he needs to reply to. Oh I guess it was too friendly...well who cares? I've done much worse than that already, which I've gladly admitted to so JC people you have to pick at every dam thing. In general terms I agree with most everyone on all sides but someone always has to pick a part one single text message like this is freakin' CSI. No, I don't think you should break up with him first. You clearly still want to be with him, so it would be silly to pull the trigger simply because you *think* he's going to. But at the same time, I don't want you to sit around waiting forever for him to communicate with you in this regard. If you need to break-up, you need to break-up, and his little delay tactics are lame and shouldn't be tolerated. You deserve more than you're getting; unfortunately the result of this extremely rushed relationship is both your faults (you know this, I think). Thing is, I'm just not sure how to get this done without suggesting you use those four dreaded words, "We need to talk..." because the fact is, you DO need to talk. How you make that happen is really up to you... I do believe that because of the chemistry you have, there's the potential for a relationship with this guy down the road once he's had time to process and heal from his divorce (and YOU TOO, don't tell me you flicked a switch and got over your roommate just like *that*!). However, if you both damage the relationship and trust now by avoiding each other (much more so his doing) when things get awkward (which they are now), you won't have any foundation to return to at a later date.
Star Gazer Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Ariadne, I'm baffled that you could be critical of another woman for being needy when you literally stalked a guy for months, sent him creepy emails that could have gotten you arrested, and drove thousands of miles to watch him through binoculars! Seriously, you're in NO position to talk, it's ridiculous. You're clearly mentally unstable and taking out your **** on LL. Takes one to know one though, right? (Not necessarily saying that about YOU, but about A's observations...) IMO, those of us who have been in that crazy, desperate, love-starved mindset in the past are better at seeing it in others than those who haven't.
shadowplay Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Takes one to know one though, right? (Not necessarily saying that about YOU, but about A's observations...) IMO, those of us who have been in that crazy, desperate, love-starved mindset in the past are better at seeing it in others than those who haven't. True, but they should also be more empathetic toward those who are going through the same thing they have. The sad reality of human nature is we're often hardest on those who remind us of ourselves.
Star Gazer Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 True, but they should also be more empathetic toward those who are going through the same thing they have. The sad reality of human nature is we're often hardest on those who remind us of ourselves. I couldn't agree more. That's why I probably seem so b*tchy and impatient with some girls here, because I see the same thing in them that I hate about myself and I just want them to STOP THE MADNESS!!! LOL
Author LoveLace Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Your right stargazer his little game shouldn't be tolerated. I feel like I've been as patient as I can, even all considering....like one guy said here somewhere...he's had girls do much, much worse...but yea how do I say "Look this is B.S" in a nice way and without saying it means we should break up? hhmmm...if your too sweet it's passive-aggressive, but if your a little too forward your a b*tch (to guys I mean)...I've already had Marty pull this baby I'm-a-victim act, for the whole 2 times i had to put my foot down about something he persisted about though very minor, he kept saying "Why are you yelling at me?...why do yell at me...don't yell at me..." wah wah wah...I told him he'll know if I'm really yelling...I prefer to call it "speaking for myself"!....if I can't do that without him being a baby everytime, I don't know that I want him anyways... But seriously, my roommates just a pain in my side anymore. He's high on coke like aallll the time anymore and aside from work his days are nothing but couch, video games, wacking off and sleeping (if he's not too high to sleep-- he's been up for 24 hrs. at a time lately), our place looks like a sh*t mess because I"m not home enough to keep up and he ignores it completely, he rarely has enough $ for bills anymore and his cell phone is even shut off. It isn't too hard to look at a guy like that and think "Yea, not for me". In the beginning, his habits were way better so he was more respectable of a man...gosh he's too lazy to even date anymore, I don't think he's had action in months. His daughter even moved back to her mom's because his bad habits have affected the way he treats her, even a 14 yr-old girl knows better, it's that obvious. He was even too lazy to sign her up for school this year which is probably why she's at her mom's. One good thing is he's verry nice to me lately but probably cuz I'm like, his only friend left in the world. I've even been getting extra little vibes from him lately like he wants to get closer...and I actually find myself thinking, "eeww.."...never thought I'd think that about him but due to what I described above, ugh. The last couple days he's bugged me, trying to talk to me while I study and I think "OMG I wish he'd go away"...wow what a change from months ago...we're friends for life but I can't wait until the lease is up next time!
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