LoveLace Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Some of you know about the pure happiness I now have with my boyfriend. We live 100 miles a part but the LD thing is not problematic at all. We tell each other that our relationship is a dream come true for us both. We believe we are soul mates (ugh, I know)...we want to get married eventually but we're not rushing into it. The problem involves the future. Nothing is written in stone, but I don't know what to think or do about the potential problem that lies a head. Part of me wonders if I should tell my BF to make a choice right now, or at least talk with him about it, but the other part of me says to hold off until this might really happen. We want to live together in the next few months, but he's wanting to stay in his hometown because of chance that job will promote him. I am okay with moving there and my sick mother would be ok with it because her family is there, too. However, it's possible that a promotion will force him to state-hop 2-3 times and live in each state 2 years at a time before landing in 1 place. There are other opportunities in his company, and he insists on not leaving his company, but he keeps bringing up this promotion. The other night he said for sure that he will move out of state eventually. 1) I can't move my sick mother around like that, and away from her other family, and I don't have any siblings to help. I also can not just leave her with my aunt and move 100's of miles away. 2) As a nurse, you have to be licensed by state, which cost hundreds of $$ and policies vary from 1 state to another. When he was talking to me about this the other day he said "The last time I held up my career for a woman I got heart-broken, so I'll never make that mistake again"...speaking of his Ex-wife. But isn't it very clear that I do not have the flexibility to move around like that? Moving my mother around and taking the board exam in 3 states is a lot of sacrificing on my part. Should I tell him that we shouldn't make plans to get married until he's more sure of what he's going to do? Should I say I'd rather lose him now than later, cuz it would already suck bad enough? Should I basically ask him to make a choice right now, what's more important to him, me or the job? ... Or, should I just not bring it up unless he really gets the job offered to him?
Star Gazer Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 I think you're moving way too fast way too soon, LL. It's still the very beginning of the relationship. I think it would be grossly unfair of you to ask him to choose between you and the gig at this juncture, and you'd be shooting yourself in the foot because he'd most likely let you go...leaving you to wonder, "What if??" for ever and ever. When HE knows it's right, he'll be able to make the decision to not move you around. Don't rush that process for him.
Author LoveLace Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 Thanks star gazer...but he's the one who sits there and says he want me to be his wife one day, blah blah blah, and he talks about our future together constantly; while at the same time he talks of this possibility for a job. So I already feel I'm in a position weather it's fast or not, unfortunately.
garnet Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 LL, You only recently started dating this guy, and I believe from your other posts that he only recently split from his ex-wife? The pace that you guys are moving just sounds crazy and unhealthy to me. I'm sorry, but it does. Why is there this need to rush everything so fast? Getting to know someone takes time. Everyone is always on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship, that's why it's takes time to be sure that the person is really right for you. I'm speaking from painful experience here. I truly hope that you're right and he is the right guy for you. But please don't put so much pressure on the experience. If it really is right, things will unfold the way that they are supposed to, and in their own time. No one responds well when they feel pressured, especially when it comes to men and relationships.
underpants Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 How long have you and Mr. Libra been dating?
Star Gazer Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 How long have you and Mr. Libra been dating? Given this thread (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t128468/) I'd say 5 weeks.
oppath Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 All you can do is wait until the options are actually on the table, and then decide together what it is you want to do. If that is TOO big of a risk for you, then you need to break it off, but to me it sounds like it is worth it. Sometimes I suspect my ex gf broke it off for similar reasons. I was thinking of leaving town for a few months for work, and the way my career was going was contemplating the possibility of moving out of town. It was only speculative, of course: months if not a year down the line. And if I had options on the table, I would not have made a unilateral decision. I would have discussed them with my girlfriend. I did not, however, want to discuss it until I had reached that point. I understand it is a risk to invest in someone, but I was facing the same risks. I would have chosen this girl over the career, but I wanted to explore those career options! If you push it too soon, he may feel denied the option. It is still EARLY in your relationship. My best advice is to allow the relationship to progress and when his job relocations start become ACTUAL possibilities, as opposed to speculation, then you sit down and say "what does this mean for us? Where do we want US to go?" It requires some risk on your part, but nothing out of the ordinary. My new girl and I are in the same position: I will have job options out of state in a couple years. I've told her "I am likely to create different job options in different parts of the country, but if I'm in a relationship, the woman will be included in that decision, and it is possible I'll move nowhere, but I am going to create opportunities for me." She has the choice to invest.
Author LoveLace Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 Well I wasn't looking for advice on how fast it's going because we're aware of it and not uncomfortable with it, but yes we've only been together a couple months. We've discussed it many times and agree that we just feel the way we feel weather it's "fast" to someone else or not. We're aware that we're still getting to know each other too though and we enjoy every second of it. I know 2 couples who were actually married within a couple of months, and in one case the man was also just divorced, and 10 years later they are still married. Believe it or not it's possible to "just know" very soon. My BF has said he wants to marry me one day many times, but we agreed it wouldn't be for a couple years if it happens. We're 30 years-old, not 18... But of course he brings up the job thing and marrying me practically in the same breath, I don't think he fully understands that he can't have both; part of me just wants to get it out of the way now and let him know that, before we're married and arguing over moving states away. If it weren't for my mother being sick I'd get up and go anywhere, but I won't leave her for any man.
Star Gazer Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 LL, don't fool yourself. You've only known this man for 5 weeks. In addition, it's long distance. In all honesty, you hardly know each other, and shouldn't compare your unique relationship to that of others who have overcome the insurmountable odds against them to assume it will work out for you too. Remove the M word from the equation entirely, and just continue getting to know one another. If you rush him - REGARDLESS of the fact he's bringing it up - you will likely scare him away.
garnet Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Well, my gut reaction is to the pace because I have been there in a VERY similar situation, so I do know what if feels like to believe in your heart that you have found "the one" and proceed to move in together very quickly (I was 29 at the time, so not young either). So I can't help but worry when I see other people in similar situations, afraid that it will go badly for them too. I have a firm belief now that slower is better. Of course I know that these stories have happy endings too...and I hope that yours will. I really wish the best for you whatever the outcome. By the way, I really admire your dedication to your mother, that is just wonderful.
Author LoveLace Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 LL, don't fool yourself. You've only known this man for 5 weeks. In addition, it's long distance. In all honesty, you hardly know each other, and shouldn't compare your unique relationship to that of others who have overcome the insurmountable odds against them to assume it will work out for you too. Remove the M word from the equation entirely, and just continue getting to know one another. If you rush him - REGARDLESS of the fact he's bringing it up - you will likely scare him away. ...it seems like I"m the one who should feel rushed because he's the one saying the M word all the time...calling me his "soul mate"...I don't get overly enthused about this but I don't exactly mind it either. I hope he's right but I'm aware he may not be. As far as knowing each other, we've actually managed to spend a lot of time together for living far a part...well it feels like a lot of time to me, anyway...plus on the phone for hours at a time everyday since we met...we've told each other some very personal things, especially him though...it doesn't mean we know everything about each other- but to say we don't know a lot would be wrong. Anyway, I'm just not going to bring it up again unless he does. Weather or not we've been dating 2 months or 2 years, I should be able to respond to what he says with my honest worries or opinions - just not without him bringing it up 1st, like oppath said. Thanks oppath I liked your post. Guess I'm choosing to invest at my own risk...
underpants Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 So....my fellow Aquarian...feeling a little ...jumpy? I am kidding with you. As for your relationship you do seem torn on some things and you are looking ahead. (maybe too far ahead to enjoy what you have) If there is a real connection and you two really do think that it is worth a shot. Next time it comes up have some open discussion on the matter. Perhaps a compromise could be worked out. I am sorry to hear that your Mom is ill. However, you do have family that can and should bear some of the responsibility for her care as well. (don't get too trapped by that guilt that you don't live your own life...I don't think you Mom would like that) As far as board tests. That sucks. However, again if you develop the love and commitment then compromise is always an option. Maybe other work until he settles on a state...or getting really good at taking that test. Perhaps he can find a position that would only require one move? Discussion and being prepared for possible scenerios is smart. Don't let it talk you out of being with someone you love though. I would think the dynamics of your relationship will also change somewhat when you two do move physically closer to each other. For right now just enjoy having a good man in your life. At just 2 months you two are still learning how to interact with each other (this is the fun part)
garnet Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Just one more comment about the way he's rushing...his wife did leave him, correct? This means he is in a vulnerable state emotionally, whether you know it, and whether HE even knows it. It makes sense that he would want to rush something with you, he is likely very insecure at this stage. All of us would like to see a happy ending here...we just don't want you to get hurt.
InLimbo2 Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 I feel that I can comment on this - having had/having some experience with this. I've prior been in relationships just like you are describing. It has all the hallmarks of a rebound. I know, I know - you know better - so did I - I thought And he is 100% sure it's NOT a rebound - and he's 100% sincere in telling you that - because it's not - he's sure of it -but he will be - in time. His rush to talking about marriage/commitment is a HUGE warning sign of this - do a little research - guys on the rebound - particularly ones that were the one that was 'discarded' - classic sign. My current guy and I are somewhat long distance too - almost 100 miles - we see one another several weekends a month - plus trips etc. We spent HUGE amounts of time online, email, phone, etc getting to know one another. In some ways it was a good thing - made us get to know one another really well rather than normal dating, where warning signs or problems can be dismissed or clouded in the whirlwind of a fresh romance. At 3 months I was pretty sure he was 'the one'. At 5 months I was even surer. I told him at that point that I knew 95% of what I needed to know about him - but that the other 5% could not be ignored, and only time would fill that in. He can say all he wants "if X happened, I'd handle it Y way" - but that's just words. Actually spending time together - working through issues - seeing how he behaves on a daily basis - how we travel together - how he interacts with my kids - those are all things that require time - there's no substitute for it. As my guy says - we have history now - we are secure in who each other is as well as who we are together - our relationship has the passion of true love, the comfort of maturity of selves, and has strength forged in tough times and surviving them together. A year and a half later - I'm 100% sure he's "the ONE" - and he's sure of the same of me. Altho not married yet - he put a beautiful 1 carat diamond wedding ring on my finger to symbolize his commitment to me and us. My advice - slow down. Am I sure you and he won't work - nope. But there is nothing to lose in slowing down, and everything to lose in moving too fast. BTW, on the career issue - check out travel nursing - google it - it would be an option for you. just my .02 cents ...it seems like I"m the one who should feel rushed because he's the one saying the M word all the time...calling me his "soul mate"...I don't get overly enthused about this but I don't exactly mind it either. I hope he's right but I'm aware he may not be. As far as knowing each other, we've actually managed to spend a lot of time together for living far a part...well it feels like a lot of time to me, anyway...plus on the phone for hours at a time everyday since we met...we've told each other some very personal things, especially him though...it doesn't mean we know everything about each other- but to say we don't know a lot would be wrong. Anyway, I'm just not going to bring it up again unless he does. Weather or not we've been dating 2 months or 2 years, I should be able to respond to what he says with my honest worries or opinions - just not without him bringing it up 1st, like oppath said. Thanks oppath I liked your post. Guess I'm choosing to invest at my own risk...
Author LoveLace Posted September 28, 2007 Author Posted September 28, 2007 InLimbo, I did mention the travelling nurse thing to my BF! I don't know how that works though, if you can do it for years at a time as opposed to months...I was sord of kidding around and told him then I could follow him anywhere if I wanted...and he said "I don't expect you to do that...." So if he doesn't expect me to alter my life for him, how can I expect him to alter his for me? Anyhow we had the "rebound" discussion in the very beginning cuz I knew his situation. I voiced concern cuz I dated a guy 3 yrs. ago in a similar sitch as my BF. I explained this guy just wanted to fill a void in his life yadda yadda. My BF said I assure you are not in that position. But of course, I still don't know that I'm 100% secure about it. He dated a couple girls before me, and claims he's never felt this way, that he didn't even feel this way about his ex-wife, that it's a whole new level. I believe him but I do get nervous that it's not totally rebound-proofed. Only time will tell I guess. We have an awesome weekend planned this weekend, we're going to a winery with friends, then we have a Bed n Breakfast for Saturday night...after that we'll go 2 weeks without seeing each other for the 1st time, which I think will be good for us. What about this...if he brings up our future maybe I could just change the subject or act a little under excited...that way I wouldn't be helping along the whole thing? And he always SO optimistic about things which I love about him...this relationship is only going to get better, he says...so if I don't share all his enthusiasms he might think I'm not as optimistic and his eyes that's a turn-off....ah well thanks everyone it's nice to hear from others' experiences and such.
BlueEyedGirl Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 Actually this sounds like a both sided rebound to me. LL was in love with her roommate for years and I don't beleive that just goes away when you meet some new random guy. He of course is on the rebound from ex W. Sounds like makings of a great realtionship.
InLimbo2 Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 I *really* am not trying to bring you down or pee on your parade - but I have to say what I think. My former bf and I had the 'rebound discussion' many times during the 2 years we were together. He'd dated one or two women before me too. He assured me I wasn't a rebound, he was totally sure of it. I know when a man is being sincere and when he's not - the guy was sincere. Because he didn't even know it. Rebound chicks are the ones that heal wounded men - and then they move on. Soon after our final split, after a few rolls in the hay with one or two chicks, he started dating a woman. Less than six months later she was moving in, and a few months later they were engaged, and are now married. She's a very nice woman, I like her a lot. Just be careful and move slow Ya know - I used to be the "Queen of Strategy" when it came to relationships - analyze everything, make sure I make the right move, everything. One of the things that made me fall in love with Dave was that I could be ME! All of my concerns, fears, anxieties - about falling in love again - taking that chance. I stopped plotting, analyzing, agonizing - and talked to him openly and honestly about everything. This is what I would do - and if he's as good a guy as you believe - it'll work out. Next time he brings up the future/marriage - tell him you love him, you want to spend your life with him - but you have some confusion and concerns about the logistics of how that may happen - and you'd like to talk about it and explore options. When he said 'I wouldn't expect you to do that" perhaps he was making sure you know that he doesn't expect you to drop your whole life every time he has an opportunity in front of him. Ask him When your man says something - when you are already anxious - it's easy to take everything in a negative context. Try to always think the best, not the worst And yes - you can be a travel nurse for as little as a week and as long as a year or more. Start looking at it now. InLimbo, I did mention the travelling nurse thing to my BF! I don't know how that works though, if you can do it for years at a time as opposed to months...I was sord of kidding around and told him then I could follow him anywhere if I wanted...and he said "I don't expect you to do that...." So if he doesn't expect me to alter my life for him, how can I expect him to alter his for me? Anyhow we had the "rebound" discussion in the very beginning cuz I knew his situation. I voiced concern cuz I dated a guy 3 yrs. ago in a similar sitch as my BF. I explained this guy just wanted to fill a void in his life yadda yadda. My BF said I assure you are not in that position. But of course, I still don't know that I'm 100% secure about it. He dated a couple girls before me, and claims he's never felt this way, that he didn't even feel this way about his ex-wife, that it's a whole new level. I believe him but I do get nervous that it's not totally rebound-proofed. Only time will tell I guess. We have an awesome weekend planned this weekend, we're going to a winery with friends, then we have a Bed n Breakfast for Saturday night...after that we'll go 2 weeks without seeing each other for the 1st time, which I think will be good for us. What about this...if he brings up our future maybe I could just change the subject or act a little under excited...that way I wouldn't be helping along the whole thing? And he always SO optimistic about things which I love about him...this relationship is only going to get better, he says...so if I don't share all his enthusiasms he might think I'm not as optimistic and his eyes that's a turn-off....ah well thanks everyone it's nice to hear from others' experiences and such.
Author LoveLace Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 Well thanks everybody....but 1st to blue eyed girl...things were cleared up with my roommate and I before I met Marty...very shortly before, but before meeting my BF I woke up and realized that my roommate is basically a huge loser and to be any more than friends is not in stars for us in the slightest! Since spending a lot of time with my BF he's been saying he misses me but he thinks my BF is pretty cool, etc. He's a pain in my a$$ but very supportive at best. But something has happened that I can't put my finger on...the plan was for him to come into town Friday afternoon. But around 3pm he texted that he might have food poisoning and he'll be here the next morning. So of course I'm instantly concerned and call him. He played golf with his father that day...last time he did that, I was driving to his house and it took forever for him to answer the phone because he drank beers and took valium and passed out cold. I considered the possibility that he did that again but didn't want to tell me. On the phone, he sounded tired but still joked around a little bit even. He asked if I was disappointed and I said a little, but these things happen and it's no big deal. I kept telling him to just worry about himself and get better, and don't worry about me. He kept being apologetic as though he felt really guilty. Later that night I called to see how he was feeling as I promised. I left him a VM to call and let me know how he's feeling the next morning...although he SAID he would be here "early" the next day, there was always a chance that he was still too sick to do so. He never called back that night apparently because his phone was dead and charging, which I also heard him tell a family member. We had plans to meet our friends at 2pm Saturday for a winery trip. Saturday morning 9am I left him another VM to call and let me know his status. Maybe this is when I got too concerned. I called Jenny (we had plans with her and husband Dave)...Jenny said his phone is just probably dead and said to give him until about 11am. By that time I heard nothing. Now Dave & Jenny were getting irritated because they got a sitter and planned their lives around this day for 3 weeks. Dave left Marty a VM too. Finally around 11:30 Marty texted me..."sorry...on my way"....I asked where u at? But he wouldn't answer. I said "U feel okay?"....."Ok I guess" was his response. Jenny said "this is ridiculous, there's no reason why he can't just pick up the phone and call? I left a voice mail then to call me with a timeline so that I can tell our friends what's going on, but I wasn't acting angry as I was in a wonderful mood that day. Finally he pulls up in front of my place around 12:30pm. When I opened the door, he just stood there and looked at me, not smiling, and his eyes looked watery, as if someone had ripped him a part. I gently placed my hand on his face and asked if he was okay...and yes are you ready to go? I still had a couple things to do so I told him to come on in...he was not acting enthused about seeing me at all...he explained his phone was charging, etc., I said I just didn't understand why you couldn't just call? His only response was "I said I was coming/on my way..." whatever. I responded to his distance by acting distant myself. He said his stomach had been hurting, yet he was perfectly fine drinking a glass of wine as he waited for me to get ready. Over the next couple hours he started saying he felt just fine now, and started touching me a little more, but I was still reluctant and something felt wrong. Later at the winery, Jenny said we both looked as though we were worried about the other being upset, and that I should talk to him. But it wasn't exactly a good time or environment for that...I found him waiting in line to buy some wine, and I asked how he was doing and he said good...then he asked how am I doing, I said "Good"...he said "are you sure?"....I threw my arms around him and said I was glad that he made it which he agreed. And later he told Jenny's husband that he is happy with how our relationship is going. By then, he and I were pretty much as affectionate as usual. But we're all also aware that he's had a depression problem. He stopped all anti-depressants recently, and still claims that he no longer needs them. Jenny observed and concluded that she thinks he's just at a "low" right now. Possible but I do not know. Later when Marty and I were alone at the bed-n-breakfast, I said something doesn't seem right, you seemed far away from me, distant, but he denied it. We had fun but I was being a huge nag later that night because of nicotine fits (we were far away from civilation)...Sunday, we hit another winery and talked about things. He said he doesn't know if he ever wants to get married again...and still misses his wife sometimes...I did say I'm glad he felt that way because it's less pressure for us. But I also said I don't want to be a rebound or 2nd best....then he felt bad for mentioning his wife but it was alright. From there, things seemed to get better...we left with our arms around each other; we went out to eat and had a couple beers, and had a blast. Then he started saying he wanted to stay an extra night with me, but I knew he had a Dr's appointment this morning so I just wanted him to be sure about doing it....we went to my place and took a nap together and held each other, etc. Then he owed me cash so we drove to the ATM, when I told him, my only real goal right now is to be a good girlfriend and that's it...to let him know I'm not hurrying into the future. When he dropped me off I sord of hurried back inside, then I realized we won't see each other again for 2 weeks and he mentioned at one point that it was "kind of sad" but he had to get going. After he left I texted him that I had awesome time, he said Me Too....still just not as enthusiastic as he had been up to this weekend. Normally we talk every night before bed, so I called and left a VM to let me know how his Dr's office visit goes. But I freaked at how much I was already missing him. I was on the verge of tears because I still sensed something wrong. I thought back to Friday, did I totally piss him off or what? Then I ended up sending him text that we should take a couple days off from talking to give us both a little space which I'd explain later....so now I"ve subjected myself to 2 days of suffering without calling him and we've talked every day since we met. But it seems we've reached a point where we need space even from talking on the phone. So I'm confused...what is going on here?
garnet Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 He is obviously still torn up about his wife leaving him and his marriage ending. This is natural. It takes a long time to recover from something like that. You can't just automatically be fine and ready for a healthy relationship so quickly. If he was on antidepressants and abruptly stopped taking them without phasing off (especially if he still needed to be on them) this could cause major problems too, both physically and emotionally. He is likely chemically off-balance from the depression, which could cause some of this strange behavior.
Author LoveLace Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 He is obviously still torn up about his wife leaving him and his marriage ending. This is natural. It takes a long time to recover from something like that. You can't just automatically be fine and ready for a healthy relationship so quickly. If he was on antidepressants and abruptly stopped taking them without phasing off (especially if he still needed to be on them) this could cause major problems too, both physically and emotionally. He is likely chemically off-balance from the depression, which could cause some of this strange behavior. I figured the same...when I asked him if he stopped them abruptly, he said that he did and he did not inform his Dr. about it. His plan is to tell the Dr. at his next appt. that he doesn't need them anymore, but I'm sure the Dr. will evaluate further before taking his word for it (I'd hope). I told him it's not safe to stop these meds abruptly but he isn't really listening. But I couldn't take it anymore so I left a VM today that if he'd feel better seeing his divorce through 1st (trial is in November but the Ex has already changed her name and they've only communicated through lawyers) and maybe try to pick us up later, then I support him all the way and I'm totally here for him, and in the mean time I just want us to enjoy the things we enjoy together and that's it. I ended it by saying to call me tonight if he feels like talking but that this goes for anytime; I do think it might be a messy combo for him to stop the meds suddenly like that and anticipate the trial at the same time....so if all he wants is for me to be a friend for him right now, I'm all for it. We'll see.
shadowplay Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 I really think you need to give him more space. I know it's hard, but you shouldn't call/text him so often just out of insecurity. If you let him come to you and take things at a slower pace, he'll feel less pressured. I also don't think it was necessarily a good idea for you to do the two day separation thing or whatever you want to call it. This will only create trouble. It could put a pall over your relationship or make him feel like you freak out whenever he acts a tiny bit distant or moody. You've got to act consistent with him and not change your behavior based on his moods. If he acts distant pretend everything's the same and try to be cheerful around him. He'll eventually come around. The only thing to stop doing is the persistent nagging/calling etc. That will drive a guy crazy. You've got to let things go.
Author LoveLace Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 Your right shadowplay but I sord of think it might be too late for me to fix it that way, I'm sitting here and pretty much preparing myself for a break up and I'm already crying. I don't plan on calling him again until he calls me 1st. I wish I was more optimistic but I've f*ckd up with perfectly good guys this way so many times that I know when it's coming. We usually talk every night before bed so tonight will be hard...I think, and not on purpose but I think I've been too paranoid and too naggy so I think it might be over.
shadowplay Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Your right shadowplay but I sord of think it might be too late for me to fix it that way, I'm sitting here and pretty much preparing myself for a break up and I'm already crying. I don't plan on calling him again until he calls me 1st. I wish I was more optimistic but I've f*ckd up with perfectly good guys this way so many times that I know when it's coming. We usually talk every night before bed so tonight will be hard...I think, and not on purpose but I think I've been too paranoid and too naggy so I think it might be over. Don't worry, you haven't done much damage. It's obvious he's under a lot of pressure right now from all sides and if he does choose to break up (which I doubt), it's not because of you or something you've done but because of all the problems he's dealing with. I agree that you should wait for him to call. Give him a few days and he definitely will. The important thing is when he gets back in touch is to not let on that you're worried or something's wrong. Be cheerful and extremely supportive of him. If you're there for him, he won't feel like you're needy or clingy. But wait for him to call.
Author LoveLace Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 Don't worry, you haven't done much damage. It's obvious he's under a lot of pressure right now from all sides and if he does choose to break up (which I doubt), it's not because of you or something you've done but because of all the problems he's dealing with. I agree that you should wait for him to call. Give him a few days and he definitely will. The important thing is when he gets back in touch is to not let on that you're worried or something's wrong. Be cheerful and extremely supportive of him. If you're there for him, he won't feel like you're needy or clingy. But wait for him to call. Oh thanks shadowplay that really makes me feel at least a little better...and I do realize a break-up wouldn't soley happen because of me; but there are things I could have done (or not done) to prevent this possibility; and I will keep what you said in mind for when he calls. Boy this is hard! I'm sure I"ll be checking with LS daily saying "he hasn't called! Help!"....part of me still thinks everything's going to be fine with time but I'm also afraid to see that hope get crushed so I'm telling myself the opposite is going to happen...oh well let the tortorous waiting begin....between his depression, me, and all he's going through I don't know even know how many days it might possibly take him to call...but I guess it doesn't matter as long as he does eventually.
Ariadne Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Oh, And there you go with your passive-aggressive pushing crap. The guy is already feeling cornered and doesn't even know what to do. But then, when he sees you, you pull the "nice girl" stint that leaves the guy all confused and feeling guilty, so what he does is to avoid you. Like this: ------ ~ 3pm he texted that he might have food poisoning and he'll be here the next morning (the guy doesn't even want to call and.. food poison? okk) ~ I'm instantly concerned and call him. (and he sounded tired... gotta get off the phone) ~ Later that night I called to see how he was feeling as I promised. (as I promised, a justification for annoying behavior) ~ I left him a VM to call and let me know how he's feeling (there we go with the pushing pest) ~ Saturday morning 9am I left him another VM to call and let me know his status (more pushing) ~ I called Jenny... Now Dave & Jenny were getting irritated (so the guy didn't call and you start alarming his friends) ~ Dave left Marty a VM too. (oh, pushing support) ~ Finally around 11:30 Marty texted me..."sorry...on my way" (again, texts, I'm doing the chore thing) ~ ....I asked where u at? But he wouldn't answer. (yep, pushed to the wall) ~ I said "U feel okay?" (more pushing, has to get an answer, message number 6) ~ ....."Ok I guess" was his response. (he's already confused why he's even going there) ~ Finally he pulls up in front of my place around 12:30pm. ("finally", even though the gathering was at 2pm..) ~ I gently placed my hand on his face and asked if he was okay... (aww... so nice) ~ ...he explained his phone was charging, etc. (bs, he's told you this a million times before) ~ I said I just didn't understand why you couldn't just call? (some nagging) ~ His only response was "I said I was coming/on my way..." (yeah, that he did, like a chore but he did) ----------- I guess the only reason he became cheerful Sunday eve was because he was actually leaving. Not only the guy is not ready to date and missing the ex wife, he has to deal with some clingy, needy, insecure gf. Ariadne
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