Cobra_X30 Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Cobra, I already am identifying myself with them... LOL... just makes taking that step in reality that much easier? Do you really want experience the difference between feeling guilty and bieng guilty? Are you that afraid to be alone? You dont need a fallback guy! You will be fine without any man. Let your husband go... forever, divorce! Then go after James with a clear conscience! Do it tommorrow if you have to!
Author ahr268 Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 So, I guess the final line is that I need to tell him. That it is already, de facto, over. What NoraJane wrote, I've tried to imagine that and it's too horrible to even think of. And yet, though I haven't actually even so much as touched the OM in a suggestive way - I've imagined much more than that. And if I somehow found out that husband has been (even just in his imagination) doing the same - I would consider that cheating. It's just such a scary step. Leaving someone for good. Without guarantees, without promises of a happier life. Only with the possibility of regret. but people do that, right? They step into the unknown, alone, even after having spent years relying on this one person. Why can't I just have a guarantee that I'm making the right decision? But once you stop caring that you haven't even spoken to this person for days, once you start ignoring his phone calls and pretend to be too busy to talk - it's probably time to move on.
Author ahr268 Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 LOL... just makes taking that step in reality that much easier? Do you really want experience the difference between feeling guilty and bieng guilty? Are you that afraid to be alone? You dont need a fallback guy! You will be fine without any man. Let your husband go... forever, divorce! Then go after James with a clear conscience! Do it tommorrow if you have to! I didn't mean it in this sense. I just meant to say that I feel guilty for so much as imagining cheating on him. And I know that the actual act would make me feel 100 times more guilty.
Woggle Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 This is why some men turn into bitter woman hating misogynists. Just leave your husband and tell him he is too good for you. Be completely fair in the divorce and let him find somebody that deserves him. You might wake up one day and regret it after it is too late and this OM might break your heart into a million pieces but hey that's life. This guy has done nothing but support you and even uprooted himself so you can acheive your dreams and you are treating him like this?
Cobra_X30 Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 It's just such a scary step. Leaving someone for good. Without guarantees, without promises of a happier life. Only with the possibility of regret. but people do that, right? They step into the unknown, alone, even after having spent years relying on this one person. Why can't I just have a guarantee that I'm making the right decision? But once you stop caring that you haven't even spoken to this person for days, once you start ignoring his phone calls and pretend to be too busy to talk - it's probably time to move on. It is a scary step! It takes strength and resolve, but you have both. Plus you have hope for the future. Honestly, you may never know if you made the "right" decision... there may not even be a right decision. I wish life came with guarantee's... or at least a warranty.... cause sometimes I think I got a broken one! Welcome to the quarter-life crisis! Hit mine 3 years ago... similar feelings I think! Anyway... in the end, your going to do things your way. No Regrets!
norajane Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 It's just such a scary step. Leaving someone for good. Without guarantees, without promises of a happier life. Only with the possibility of regret. but people do that, right? They step into the unknown, alone, even after having spent years relying on this one person. Why can't I just have a guarantee that I'm making the right decision? There are no guarantees. Even marriage isn't a guarantee of being with someone who is committed to you forever, right? Teenagers step into the unknown of college after having spent years relyinig on the parents. Some don't get a chance for college and have to step directly into the real world without a safety net and not one single guarantee of anything. Graduates step into the unknown of jobs and rent and bills and the real world after years of the relative shelter of academia and parents who paid for college and/or grad school. Singles date and date and date without any guarantees of finding someone they can stand for a week, much less a lifetime. Why are you expecting someone to guarantee your future? Why are you hoping for someone to take care of you? Have you never been all on your own, independent, taking care of yourself, making decisions for yourself and dealing with the results, good or bad?
MrsHellnoFire Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 This is such a nasty thing to do to someone who helped you through your darkest moments in life??? How could you be so cold and cruel? You are on selfish woman who doesn't deserve someone like your husband. When it comes to hard work in the relationship, it looks like you let your other half do ALL of it while you take the easy way out when convenient for you!
MrsHellnoFire Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Sorry, I just realized how rude all of that sounded. Good luck.
Author ahr268 Posted September 28, 2007 Author Posted September 28, 2007 Why are you expecting someone to guarantee your future? Why are you hoping for someone to take care of you? Have you never been all on your own, independent, taking care of yourself, making decisions for yourself and dealing with the results, good or bad? Yes, and that's the problem. I never have. My husband was my first serious boyfriend and I've gone through college and grad school and starting in the real world, I've gone through it all with him. That's why it's so scary. But, having slept on it, I don't even see this as a decision of what to do. I think I know what I'm going to do- it's pretty clear once it stops being so much about me. Have to go to work. Thank you all. I'll be checking back, 'cause I'm not sure I can finish this thing without your words (and your criticism) - including all you've said already.
whichwayisup Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Yes, and that's the problem. I never have. My husband was my first serious boyfriend and I've gone through college and grad school and starting in the real world, I've gone through it all with him. That's why it's so scary. Then you need to tell your husband this too. I mean, what if you DO infact love him and do want to stay married, but not being independant, doing things on your own, making it on your own IS what is happening now and is confusing you. Do some soul searching. Trial separation - BUT - Use that time to figure YOU out, not that time to 'try out' the OM and see if it will work with him. Also, consider talking to a therapist too.
norajane Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Yes, and that's the problem. I never have. My husband was my first serious boyfriend and I've gone through college and grad school and starting in the real world, I've gone through it all with him. That's why it's so scary. Maybe that's why this James is such an appealing fantasy for you - he's older, successful, and he's your supervisor and mentor. Seems like you've been transferring your dependence on your husband to dependence on your boss.
Woggle Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 Sorry, I just realized how rude all of that sounded. Good luck. Rude but true. No need to apologize.
upto_here Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 hi apr268:bunny: just been reading your post ,,no one force u to make decision here its you only ..speaking from all experience especially myself i have been tru this ,and i can say that i made a biggest mistake of my life you sound like me a few month ago when i started my thread ..i never listen ..i went my own way its my decision ...i think you should think long and very hard ..give yourself some times ...to think it tru what its worth more you or the om believe me it will only be a bed of roses only a short period then after that you will begin to feel horrible you won't feel it now because you just WANTED to go ahead of what you want..the major point is you are married ...its won't be easy as you imagine ..even though you pour your heart out to the FUTURE OM ,,,what if he doesn't feel the same as you? is he marriage? do not allow yourself to get hurt ..fix things out with your H ,,be far away from the OM ,,if fwiw leave the job..i did that it does help if you willing not to proceed your action..you sound like you really obsess here ..the glass always look greener on the other side ..but not always!! the guys here ,some of them may say something you like or don't like but they really give you advice and a good one too..read tru your thread here and THINK use your head not your heart !! if you manage to be in the law firm why can't you manage your own life..i'm sure you are clever enough to think it tru ...i don't think in one second that one day you want to be call STUPID ,do you?
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 I agree, she isnt even giving her husband a chance to make this work, she's so fixated on leaving or finding some excuse to leave. She could be possibly leaving the best thing to ever happen to her but her own feelings and her own self absorbed that she doesnt see that whatever decision she chooses is gonna hurt the person she said vows to, the person she commited herself to. He doesnt hurt her, doesnt abuse her, and yet she throws him away like garbage because she feels bored. And she wants to bang her own boss? Yeah like that relationship will pan out, Oh hey guys just wanted you to know, I'm leaving my husband because im banging my boss. Oh talk about them work benefits. lol. Trust me, if anything, When you leave, if you leave. You should pay your husband alimony and let him keep the house. Women like you dont deserve anything. He sacrifised alot to be with you and yet, you cant do the right thing for him? Nice way to be a wife. Your gonna do what you want at the end of the day. I hope that you find clarity to think before you make a rash decision that could put you in a worse position than before. What kind of boss would sleep with his married subordinate? Why would you place yourself out there like that. STD's? pregnancy, gossip, termination? I mean is it worth it? and it's women like this I aint never geting married! lol.
seibert253 Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 ALL marriages have communication issues. It seems us guys need to be hit in the head with a bat in order to GET IT. Many seem to think you've already made up your mind that you want to have an affair with James. I'm not so sure. If you really did you would just do it, then complain to us after the fact on how you feel like sh#t for ripping out your husband's heart. You need to have a SERIOUS talk with your husband and tell him all your feelings, including this crush on James. Marriages are a continuing work in progress, with give and take on both ends. If you love your spouse, and take your marriage vowels seriously, (for better or worse, forsaking all others), then you will work on ironing out the differences between the two of you. If your idea of marriage is just being with your husband until "something better" comes along, then you will never be happy in any marriage. "Something better" is a misconception because the "something better" is rarely better than what you already have.
whichwayisup Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 . "Something better" is a misconception because the "something better" is rarely better than what you already have. Something "better" more than likely will turn into something "worse" once the fun of the affair, the fantasy, the intense feelings disappear and reality of it being a 'real' relationship that includes the bad and the ugly....THAT is when many regret the affair most and realize that they made the worst and biggest mistake of their lives. But, usually by that time, it's too late, the divorce is final and the BS has moved on.
Author ahr268 Posted September 29, 2007 Author Posted September 29, 2007 I just wanted to short update (longer one to follow). Yesterday went to that corporate party I was talking about, only to watch the OM talk, dance, make out with, and finally leave together with some other woman. I never thought seeing something like this could be this painful... am surprised I could hold off crying until I got into the taxi. Then didn't sleep the night and today had to go to work (yes, Saturday, but that's the job...) and see OM there, who also had to show up because we are working on the same project. Right now, it hurts me even to look at him, much less to talk to him - though we have to speak given that we work together. He seemed ill at ease because he knows I saw him with that woman. At first, this morning, I was really angry at him, as if he betrayed me. But we never had any (even implicit) understanding so, of course he is free to do whatever (and whomever) he wants, so I don't blame him, but still feel that I need to put more distance between us if I want to be able to continue at this job. It's a shame - we had a lot of fun, actually, talking, joking around. Made a very difficult and demanding job much easier. But maybe it's good that I saw the whole bit, it put things more into perspective and was final proof that he doesn't feel the same about me. By "put things into perspective", I mean that I've been idealizing him throughout, thinking that maybe he's just too honorable to admit feelings for a married woman, or maybe he's shy, or maybe... And yesterday there he was - a drunk guy who picks up a pretty girl and sleeps with her the same day he met her. Definitely neither honorable nor shy. Husband has been SMSing me meanwhile, asking how I feel, whether I should work this much, asking when we can talk. Right now (and I'm still too shaken up by yesterday to think clearly), the one thing I know for sure is taht nothing is going to happen with OM. Whether husband and I try a trial separation or whether I just forget the whole thing and (maybe it'll happen by itself now) start seeing him in the same light as I did when we just got married. All that still need to think about. Your insight has been a lot of help this morning - when I was still trying to get my head around what happened. Thank you. Will update later as promised.
Author ahr268 Posted September 29, 2007 Author Posted September 29, 2007 PS: update didn't turn out that short after all...
norajane Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 By "put things into perspective", I mean that I've been idealizing him throughout, thinking that maybe he's just too honorable to admit feelings for a married woman, or maybe he's shy, or maybe... And yesterday there he was - a drunk guy who picks up a pretty girl and sleeps with her the same day he met her. Definitely neither honorable nor shy.When a married person is attracted to someone else, it's always a fantasy of what that other person is like, what it would be like to be with them, and even if they go so far as to start an affair, it's still not 'real life' because the interactions are limited to specific contexts. The fantasy is what you were hooked on, not James himself. You only knew him in context to you - successful, older, mentor. Put him in a different context, and he's just another guy with all the warts and flaws any other man has. And he can be even worse than what you might be feeling bored with at home. Having said that, he's a single guy and free to flirt and have sex with women. I don't think what he did makes him dishonorable - the woman knew what she was doing and chose that for herself as well. Anyway, this is exactly why you should never leave a marriage for another person. If you decide to leave a marriage, it should be because you've tried and failed and no longer want to be married. I'm actually very glad that you had this dose of reality before you did something irreparable.
Author ahr268 Posted September 29, 2007 Author Posted September 29, 2007 Having said that, he's a single guy and free to flirt and have sex with women. I don't think what he did makes him dishonorable - the woman knew what she was doing and chose that for herself as well. Of course, I understand that. But he knew that I had serious feelings for him. I am pretty sure of that. And he could imagine how much this would hurt me. Is it too self-centered of me to think that he should've abstained from this so as not to hurt this much, if not a friend, then a colleague with whom one is on very good terms and who (he knows) would take it hard. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to talk to him now. Cold, polite, removed? Or just as before - friendly, joking-around, grabbing-lunch-together kind of way? The first option would be a very radical shift, and that would be pretty much like admitting that I have feelings for him. Not sure I want to give him that satisfaction. but the second option... I'm not sure I could even pull it off now, and even if I could - I might lose that distance I want to establish and let my guard down (not in the sense that I'd ever so much as touch him, but in the sense that I would be agonizing over his eyes, his smile, his jokes, the smell of his aftershave... But maybe this is already off-topic, not the "infidelity forum" type of question.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 I'm sorry that it happened like that! I've been in similar situations... on the other end. Just smile and act like it doesnt bother you too much! Keep going, but cut back on one on one time with him! Slowly! Don't let this drive you back to your husband artificially! You still need to sort out that issue in the near future! It's the reason your feeling like this in the first place!
Author ahr268 Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 Hello everyone, I posted here first almost 3 months ago and found a community with honest (if sometimes painful to read) advice. I wanted to post a small update but the main reason I'm writing is because I'm finally taking steps to set things right in my marriage and find it very difficult...! The time since my last post has been horrible, I continued to be torn between two people - my husband and the other man, my colleague. I didn't step back slowly from the latter as many of you said I should. A couple of months ago, I started becoming sick - getting insomnia, anxiety. My husband moved out because I kept being rude to him (the move is temporarily, for now), and my work has been substandard because I couldn't concentrate on anything. Finally, 4 days ago, I went to see a therapist who, basically, said I must make a choice. Once and for all. And stick to it. I've already made up my mind to set things right with my husband. With my mind I understand that it's the right thing to do. We've been talking on the phone, the two of us, and I think I can mend things if I try. He is sweet, kind, and I feel safe and loved with him. In 3 weeks we've made plans to go on vacation together and I hope this should also help. The other man - my work colleague - he's been nothing but kind to me throughout the whole debacle. We never spoke about my personal life, but he probably saw I was going through hell and was patient with my mistakes at work. Since I've seen the therapist, I've tried to think of him only as a friend, a kind mentor maybe. Sometimes it works, most of the time (especially once I leave work in the evening) I feel lonely, depressed, and find myself on the verge of launching back into the comfort of my fantasies/self-delusions about how things might turn out with him. Sorry for the long post, I guess my point is that I could really use some advice on what to do to get through this initial period (I'm hoping it will get better soon). Have any of you been in my shoes? What did you say to yourselves? Were there books that were helpful? I find that listening to "empowering" music helps a bit (the Gloria Gaynor "I will survive" types of songs). This is sort of like quitting smoking or drinking... basically, how does one keep from slipping back into old habits?
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Hello everyone, I posted here first almost 3 months ago and found a community with honest (if sometimes painful to read) advice. I wanted to post a small update but the main reason I'm writing is because I'm finally taking steps to set things right in my marriage and find it very difficult...! The time since my last post has been horrible, I continued to be torn between two people - my husband and the other man, my colleague. I didn't step back slowly from the latter as many of you said I should. A couple of months ago, I started becoming sick - getting insomnia, anxiety. My husband moved out because I kept being rude to him (the move is temporarily, for now), and my work has been substandard because I couldn't concentrate on anything. Finally, 4 days ago, I went to see a therapist who, basically, said I must make a choice. Once and for all. And stick to it. I've already made up my mind to set things right with my husband. With my mind I understand that it's the right thing to do. We've been talking on the phone, the two of us, and I think I can mend things if I try. He is sweet, kind, and I feel safe and loved with him. In 3 weeks we've made plans to go on vacation together and I hope this should also help. The other man - my work colleague - he's been nothing but kind to me throughout the whole debacle. We never spoke about my personal life, but he probably saw I was going through hell and was patient with my mistakes at work. Since I've seen the therapist, I've tried to think of him only as a friend, a kind mentor maybe. Sometimes it works, most of the time (especially once I leave work in the evening) I feel lonely, depressed, and find myself on the verge of launching back into the comfort of my fantasies/self-delusions about how things might turn out with him. Sorry for the long post, I guess my point is that I could really use some advice on what to do to get through this initial period (I'm hoping it will get better soon). Have any of you been in my shoes? What did you say to yourselves? Were there books that were helpful? I find that listening to "empowering" music helps a bit (the Gloria Gaynor "I will survive" types of songs). This is sort of like quitting smoking or drinking... basically, how does one keep from slipping back into old habits? That's great!!! But from now on your should stay away from the OM at all costs, if you truly want this marriage to work!!!
Author ahr268 Posted June 11, 2008 Author Posted June 11, 2008 Hello, My last post was at the end of December and, for those who dont feel like reading from the beginning of the thread, the jist of it is that I am a married woman with a very good husband whom I value and care about but also with strong feelings toward an older, very kind and intelligent colleague at work (just feelings on my part, nothing else). Six months ago, when I posted last,I was determined to stop tearing myself apart between these two men, I've seen a shrink even and, for a while, things became easier. The shrink told me that I have to choose, right there and then, one of the two men. I chose my husband and, then, went through a whole period where I "said goodbye" to the OM, I acknowledged feelings of anger toward him, forgave him, asked for his forgiveness (all in my mind). I thought I was done. Married life became better, I started enjoying my husband's company again. But, somehow, that only lasted for a month or so. Now, six months later, I am in the same hell as I was back in September-December: I can't get the OM out of my head, I wake up thinking of him, I fall asleep thinking of him, everything I do - I have this thought in the back of my mind: "would he like what I'm wearing, what I'm saying", etc. On weekends I go to places where I imagine he might be, I cry several times a day, when my husband does not see me, sometimes when I'm alone I'd start calling out the OM's name. It's been almost two years altogether and I feel like it's slowly driving me insane. In addition to everything else, there is this feeling of hopelessness, of being in a situation from which there is no painless exit. I keep asking myself the question: maybe this painful, ugly, tortured state of mind is haunting me to let me know that I need to make a radical change in my life. Get a divorce? Admit my feelings to the colleague? What the hell am I supposed to do??? I can't even go see the shrink anymore because I've recently changed jobs (he - the OM - moved to a different job and offered to take me with him, and I accepted) and the new insurance isnt starting for another few months. So, please help me. Please, any advice would be appreciated.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 Why would anyone here want to help you??? ...You just dont get it! Your the only one making this pain for yourself! Why dont you tell your husband the whole truth instead of playing games with his life. is this what a marriage is? Is this what you wanted when you got married? You need to go NC with the OM. but if you can't then it's just as good that your husband does leave you. You dont deserve him if you cant be faithful.
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