A dead end...?

[ahr268]

Hello,

I am a mid-20s, 4-years-married woman with a kind, caring husband, same age as me, who has helped me through very difficult times - depression, panic attacks - and has demanded little in return. He is also very different from me - I am more of a "going out to a club" person, while he is working on his doctoral dissertation and prefers to stay home most weekends. We have little in common, but have managed to stay together this long because, until a year ago, we were both in graduate school. A year ago I started a new, prestigious job at a law firm, which I love, but which takes up more than 60-70hrs per week. I have seen little of my husband since I started working. At the same time, I met a man at work - my direct supervisor, older and successful at what he does. We have a good rapport - he is kind, patient with my mistakes, easy-going (in a job which isnt!) and not spoiled by money. 6 months after we started working together - I realised that I have feelings for this man, feelings which have progressed into a dependence, an obsession. Now, friday evenings are the worst part of my week, because I know I won't see him again until Monday. I am also physically attracted to him. My life has become defined by this person and, in the process, I have grown indifferent to my husband. He is lost, confused, hurt and I really don't want him to be. He doesn't deserve that! My supervisor - James - has not shown in any way that he either notices my feelings (though, I think, he might), or that he feels the same. He is professional, but also kind as ever. Perhaps he sees how miserable I am at his slightest criticism, how I follow him with my eyes when he leaves the room... This has been going on for a while now but, over the past month, my family life has become a horror and I am worried about jeopardizing my work by making an unnecessary admission of my feelings. At the same time, I cannot CANNOT imagine not being with this man. Ideally, I would want my husband to just fade away - not hurt, not touched in any way by what is happening to me. I want him to be happy. And, for me, to, somehow, find myself with James in a relationship (not a one night stand, not a fleeting kiss) a trusting, honest relationship where we could live together, work together and spend each moment of our day together. He has become as necessary to me as breathing. He is my pain, and he is what takes the pain away. Right now my husband has gone to visit his parents for 10 days and I have spent these evenings alone, agonizing, crying, praying - doing just about anything to find an answer. What should I do? Lately, James has been inviting me to join him for lunch - where we talk about work or innocuous subjects. I don't know whether that means anything. He is a friendly person in general, so perhaps not. Tomorrow is a corporate party where James will be. Should I make my feelings for him more clear (he knows taht I am married). Or should I wait and do nothing, just like I have been for the past months? Or should I separate from my husband first? I think even if James werent' in the picture - our marriage wouldn't last (though might drag on longer than it already has). Am I a coward, a traitor to my husband? All of the above? Please, please, help me. I don't know what to do and it's killing me!

[Cobra_X30]

It sucks but your just not in love with your husband! You better get a divorce before you cheat on him. I have a strong feeling that the reason you have all these emotions wrapped up in your supervisor is simply because you have no passion in your marriage!

 

So, here is my recommendation! File for a divorce... it doesnt matter whether you persue a relationship with James or not... your marriage isnt going forward anyway! Then if you feel bad because your husband stood by you while you were going through tough times... shoot pay him or something! It doesnt really matter. If you divorce him... fine, he will find someone else and eventually get over it. If you cheat on him... YOU will feel guilty the rest of your life, and your going to hurt your H x10!

 

Oh, and once you make a choice... please dont go back on it! Its just dumb to leave a guy and then figure out that he was the only one who will treat you well or whatever!

 

Anyway! Hope that helps some!

[ahr268]

Cobra, thank you. Your tag reads "established member" and it sounds like you know what you are talking about. I thought of that - divorce or at least a temporary separation. But what scares me is the thought of being alone. I know I'm not the first (or last) person to say this - but after 4 years I think I've forgotten how to be by myself, I rely on him. And what if I were to cheat (I know this will sound cynical but, practically speaking...) what if I were to have something with James and then realise that the whole excitement was in the unattainability of the object of desire. And, yes, as you warned - have second thoughts. My husband isn't the type of man who'd take me back.

 

But your reply does help. Maybe it's more obvious to a bystander what's happening. I don't really know what "in love" means but if it means sharing the pain and happiness of another person then, I think I am not in love. Woudl a temporary separation be better, though? Or is it just a prolongation of the same bog I've been in?

 

I'm sorry for these long, needy posts. I am in a new country and don't really have anyone to talk to about this. This forum is my channel to speak.

[whichwayisup]

Go back to the basics. Your husband supported you, loved you during your lowest times...The anxiety and depression. None of that was easy on him, yet he stood by you.

 

This new guy in your life has woken up some feelings inside you that you haven't felt in a long time...The crush like feelings...THAT is not love. Love isn't just a feeling, it's an action.

 

Why not just tell your husband you miss the connection you shared with him and go to counselling...Have a weekend get away, bond again, remember what it was that brought you and your husband together. Tell him that you're tempted by another man...Allow your husband to change and meet your needs. Now, with that being said, I'm sure you are not meeting your husbands needs either...Especially since your focus in on someone else.

 

Is it fair? Ofcourse not. Selfish? YES.

 

Are you willing to throw away a man who loves you, who cares about you, who supports you and has been there for you - Good times and through the bad times for some guy who is giving you attention and making you feel good? IS that OM (other man) going to BE there for you when the times are rough? Is your history with your husband worth throwing away?

 

Take these 10 days your husband is away to figure out what you want to do. DO NOT see or talk to the OM. Tell him you need time to think long and hard what it is you're giving up. Friends, family, his parents....The life you two built together...The house, all that you have become accustomed to, all GONE because you have feelings for someone else...

 

My husband isn't the type of man who'd take me back.

 

Then there is your reason to decide who it is you want to be with. Your husband deserves to be with a woman who will love ONLY him, not cheat on him, or desire another man.

[ahr268]

Thank your for the reply. You've voiced what the other part of me is saying (the one that isn't mirroring Cobra's words)... But the husband (Dan, shall we say) doesn't seem to GET IT. I've told him I feel lonely, sad, depressed... told him everything short of "I am in love with another"... and he just gets upset, his heart starts bothering him (and he's only 28). When I tried rekindling that closeness that I used to feel - he brushes that off as nonsense. He worries about me, but doesn't know how to help, doesn't believe in counseling, and tells me to throw silliness out of my head. If I were to tell him I think of another man (all the time) - he would leave me. He is noncompromising in this respect. For him - if you are married, that's it. For good or bad, you are in it. Maybe it's the right approach, but why stay in a marriage when 2 people are not happy! History is the only thing holding us together. And fear of being lonely. I am terrified of becoming pregnant from him by mistake, because that would complicate things tenfold. I cant imagine growing old with him, seeing him every day, every single day. And now that he's away - it's better. Yes - I am agonizing over the situation, but at least I am agonizing in a calm environment, where no one makes demands on me. Is this what "not being in love" is?

[whichwayisup]

I've told him I feel lonely, sad, depressed... told him everything short of "I am in love with another"... and he just gets upset, his heart starts bothering him (and he's only 28)

 

Because he is scared to lose you. Most men have alot of trouble opening up and having intimate conversations. Keep trying! This is your marriage at stake.

 

Maybe you SHOULD tell him that you're about to make a big mistake and cheat on him with another man. That WILL wake him up, and force him into some sort of decision. Atleast if he knows the truth, what he is up against for real, he can do something about it.

 

You're miserable in your marriage, so it seems...Would you rather spend another 10+ years like this?

 

You can't stay in a marriage in fear that you'll be alone...Fear of loneliness. It's actually worse to stay IN a marriage and feel alone, especially if your husband isn't listening to you and seeing the red flags flapping.

 

Sit him down and talk to him. Write a letter, sit beside him while he reads it. Put down everything that you've said on here. TELL him either he has to try harder to make the marriage work, to make you feel loved and cared for, OR divorce is around the corner.

 

Involving another man into your life is NOT going to help, it will make it worse. Go read the threads in the OM/OW section, see what you're up against. Then, read more threads in the infidelity section so you can see what betrayed spouses go through...The pain and suffering, the loss of love, trust and faith in their partner. Cheating and betrayal is the most selfish and cruel thing you can do to your spouse! Don't do it.

 

Stop spending time with the OM, the more you see and talk to him, the more you feeding the feelings. You are married and it's wrong. The OM too probably is having feelings for you, so you're gonna hurt him as well. Sadly, he'll probably stick around and see what happens, putting his own life on hold for you. (Again, go read the OM/OW section.)

[whichwayisup]

I cant imagine growing old with him, seeing him every day, every single day. And now that he's away - it's better. Yes - I am agonizing over the situation, but at least I am agonizing in a calm environment, where no one makes demands on me. Is this what "not being in love" is?

 

OK, just saw this part of your post. In all fairness, as painful as it will be for your husband, if you truely feel this way, then DO divorce him. He deserves better and more, and if he stays married to you, you two are living a lie.

 

You also are scared to get pregnant by him, another reason to talk to him.

 

Seek some counselling to help you along with this decision.

[Cobra_X30]

Thank your for the reply. You've voiced what the other part of me is saying (the one that isn't mirroring Cobra's words)... But the husband (Dan, shall we say) doesn't seem to GET IT. I've told him I feel lonely, sad, depressed... told him everything short of "I am in love with another"... and he just gets upset, his heart starts bothering him (and he's only 28). When I tried rekindling that closeness that I used to feel - he brushes that off as nonsense. He worries about me, but doesn't know how to help, doesn't believe in counseling, and tells me to throw silliness out of my head. If I were to tell him I think of another man (all the time) - he would leave me.

 

I did get the feeling from your initial post that you had pretty much given up on your husband! Look, some guys are just dense as bricks. He really sounds like a good guy, maybe you need to take the nuclear option to him! Hit him with a seperation or divorce and see how he responds.

 

Just like WWIU says, you cant be afraid to be alone... shoot your already lonely... so it shouldnt be that big of a step. Trust that if it comes to divorce you absolutely will find somebody else! Maybe someone that fits you better!

 

Make sure you take the correct steps for YOU!! If you are not happy your husband will not be happy! So this is in his best interest too! Sometimes you got to splash cold water in his face to wake him up!

[ahr268]

WWIU, Cobra, I never imagined that I would get such quick replies. It's a huge help, especially since I think I might make an irreparable mistake tomorrow if I were to go ahead with my idea of making my feelings for James (OM) clear to him. WWIU, what you wrote is probably true - my husband does not deserve someone like me (which makes me think that he might be the best thing that happened to me). But, yes, we are both miserable, both of our lives are in some sort of a limbo. And I am probably a coward for having waited this long. And, Cobra, I never looked at it this way - but the loneliness I feel now is probably not much worse than it will be if husband and I were to separate.

 

I'l write to him, I think. Tell him what I wrote about the difficulties (though I don't think I can bring myself to mention the other man, I can't even speak of him to my friends - his name has become almost sacred and I can't put it in the context of "cheating" and "lust"). I'll ask Dan for a temporary separation. That, I hope, will let me figure things out. Maybe give it a try with James (I'll make it clear to Dan that during the separation we are both free - hopefully he'll agree). And if not - then he has every right not to. It's asking a lot of a man who has agreed to move to another country with you so that you can have the job of your dreams.

 

Either way, seems pretty clear to me that the one thing I have already done wrong was to wait for this long.

 

But one more thing I was thinking - if something were to happen tomorrow between James and me - yes, I would feel guilty but I would fully deserve that guilt and maybe it's something I need to experience, a punishment I have aready earned by being unfaithful to my husband in my mind.

 

I will post an update tomorrow or the day after. In the meantime - will be checking this thread for more replies. I think I need as much advice as I can get at this point.

[Cobra_X30]

Oh that sounds like a bad idea!

 

Dont ask for a seperation and then give the other guy a try! Thats going to literally put you in the middle of two men! No bad, bad, bad! It's going to make you feel horrible in the end... Serious! You need a clean break and then some time before you are in a mental state to go after this James guy... otherwise your going to go into that relationship not right in the head!!! Does James deserve to just be some rebound guy? Personally I'd be PO'd if I were him!

[ahr268]

PS: maybe this is not at all about the OM, but about what to do when you fall out of love with someone. Never thought it's this painful. I thought the other person - the one who stops being loved - suffers most. But at least he has the anger, or the knowledge of his own righteousness to carry him through. The one who stops loving has nothing but guilt. I sometimes wish it were the other way around - that it was he who stopped loving me.

[ahr268]

Cobra, just saw your reply. But what about people who leave their significant others because they fell in love with another person? What if that were the only reason to leave in the first place ( I know I am contradicting my previous post, but theoretically...), what is wrong with that? I've worked with james 12 hours a day for the past year. He is not a rebound guy, for all I know he might be the One. I know how pathetically romantic this sounds, and maybe I just don't have enough experience, but why would one wait if calm and happiness migtht be just around the corner? Agh, now I am even more confused. Well, one thing I can promise - I won't do anything tomorrow. Well, I'll try not to... I just need this man's attention, his touch, his closeness. I need it very much and I don't know if I am capable of waiting to let closure from a separation (which hasn't happened yet) set in.

 

but your words are noted. And I'll be rereading all these posts for a while now - much as been said here which I never considered.

[norajane]

But one more thing I was thinking - if something were to happen tomorrow between James and me - yes, I would feel guilty but I would fully deserve that guilt and maybe it's something I need to experience, a punishment I have aready earned by being unfaithful to my husband in my mind.

 

You wouldn't be punishing yourself - you'd be punishing your HUSBAND if you cheat on him. I know you're all wrapped up in your fantasy of James, but you owe your husband some respect, if for nothing else than for sticking with you through your depressions and for moving to another country with you so you could have YOUR dream job.

 

Betraying a spouse is the WORST pain you can inflict. Doing so with forethought makes you selfish and self-centered. Believing that your guilt would be punishment for you without considering the incredible ANGUISH your husband will feel knowing that his wife was cheating and having sex with another man behind his back is just DELUSIONAL.

 

The rule of common decency is ONE RELATIONSHIP AT A TIME.

 

You end your marriage before throwing yourself at James. Otherwise, you will destroy your husband, and really, what are you offering James - the 'opportunity' to get involved with a lying, cheating woman? You think James is going to respect you after that? If you truly want a real, honest relationship with James, you wait until you have something to offer him besides a husband in the wings.

[Cobra_X30]

Cobra, just saw your reply. But what about people who leave their significant others because they fell in love with another person? What if that were the only reason to leave in the first place ( I know I am contradicting my previous post, but theoretically...), what is wrong with that? I've worked with james 12 hours a day for the past year. He is not a rebound guy, for all I know he might be the One. I know how pathetically romantic this sounds, and maybe I just don't have enough experience, but why would one wait if calm and happiness migtht be just around the corner? Agh, now I am even more confused. Well, one thing I can promise - I won't do anything tomorrow. Well, I'll try not to... I just need this man's attention, his touch, his closeness. I need it very much and I don't know if I am capable of waiting to let closure from a separation (which hasn't happened yet) set in.

 

but your words are noted. And I'll be rereading all these posts for a while now - much as been said here which I never considered.

 

You need to be decisive on this! Do not try to walk that tightrope or you just going to confuse everyone around you!! I've seen girls do this time and again. There have been a couple of times where I was in Jame's shoes. He needs to know before you start anything up with him that you are 100% available. Not just testing the waters. Otherwise he will be confused, and no matter what you say your motives will be in doubt!

 

If its the risk of bieng rejected and having neither... Is that what you fear?

 

You cant use your husband as a fall back guy! If you really need to get this thing going with James... tell you husband that you want a divorce... Be Absolute and Resolute! No going back on that!

 

I dont buy into the hollywood version of love anymore! Maybe I'm jaded, but I believe that it's not "the one" so much as a best fit scenario...

Love is an action, not a feeling! Thus we choose who we love! We wake up every day and choose to love that person! Sometimes that choice is harder than others... but we make it anyway! Is that less romantic?

[norajane]

PS: maybe this is not at all about the OM, but about what to do when you fall out of love with someone. Never thought it's this painful. I thought the other person - the one who stops being loved - suffers most. But at least he has the anger, or the knowledge of his own righteousness to carry him through. The one who stops loving has nothing but guilt. I sometimes wish it were the other way around - that it was he who stopped loving me.

 

This guilt of yours is NOTHING compared to what your husband will feel once he knows what's going on with you. Don't make the mistake of thinking your guilt can possibly outweigh the pain he will feel. He doesn't know that you are planning separation and divorce, and he doesn't know you are allowing yourself to fantasize about another man to the point where you could act on it at any moment.

 

If he knew the full reality of your state of mind, you'd see the pain that he feels...but you won't feel it, so you probably won't understand how devastating it is.

[reboot]

If you really feel so little for your husband that you're willing to rip his soul right out of his body (and that's exactly what it feels like), you seriously need to go ahead and divorce him. Let him find someone that actually loves him. A seperation just so you can go bang some other man and not feel guilty about it is just trashy, wake up.

[ahr268]

I don't want to get all defensive here - I deserve this, probably. But what if the husband never finds out? Actually, it's not a "what if" it's a "definitely". If something were to happen, I would take it to my grave with me. The last thing I want to do is cause him more pain, I'll come up with excuses, do whatever it takes. It's just that, sometimes, it seems that I need to get the reality straight and that, in turn, would put things into perspective for me. So, I guess the question is, really, what if I knew for certain that he would never find out about the cheating?

 

I am sorry for sounding cynical and, again, maybe I just don't know what I am talking about and maybe I won't be able to keep the fact of having cheated on him to myself. But what if (another "what if") the event itself is all I need to realise that this marriage is worth working on for more time? (I have, as I mentioned before, tried working on it for almost a year).

[reboot]

If you're looking to us for approval for you cheating on your husband, you're not going to get it.

 

Go ahead and do it. You want to know what's funny? He will know. And you'll be the one to tell him. And it probably won't be with words.

[reboot]

By the way, marriages aren't worked on "one more time", marriages are worked on "all the time". Every day. The key word being "work". Magical happy endings don't just happen.

[ahr268]

I was thinking of deleting my previous post at first, but some people probably read it already, so I am leaving it though I now (after having read some of your later replies) I feel absolutely like a selfish bitch. There is too much experience here speaking in one voice with, essentially, the same message. Although I've always thought that it's better to learn from one's own mistakes - maybe this is a situation where you take others' words. Maybe I AM too wrapped up in myself. Maybe I am an "emotion junkie". But I am not a bad person and I dont want to hurt him. That's one of the reasons I havent cheated so far.

 

Maybe I need to read more of this forum to figure things out. I've been wrapped up into a feeling of euphoria since husband has been gone in the sense that I could spend all my time and energy thinking about the OM. But you all have dragged me back to the much grayer reality. But I guess one can't live in a dreamworld for long.

[Cobra_X30]

I don't want to get all defensive here - I deserve this, probably. But what if the husband never finds out? Actually, it's not a "what if" it's a "definitely". If something were to happen, I would take it to my grave with me. The last thing I want to do is cause him more pain, I'll come up with excuses, do whatever it takes. It's just that, sometimes, it seems that I need to get the reality straight and that, in turn, would put things into perspective for me. So, I guess the question is, really, what if I knew for certain that he would never find out about the cheating?

 

I am sorry for sounding cynical and, again, maybe I just don't know what I am talking about and maybe I won't be able to keep the fact of having cheated on him to myself. But what if (another "what if") the event itself is all I need to realise that this marriage is worth working on for more time? (I have, as I mentioned before, tried working on it for almost a year).

 

No the problem is that it even if you never tell your husband or ex at that point... It will eat you up! It's going to affect the way you look in the mirror. Believe me! Suddenly when you watch movies on lifetime, you will start identifying yourself with the evil cheating spouse! It's not worth it!

[ahr268]

Cobra, I already am identifying myself with them...

[reboot]

Sorry if I (we) came off harshly. If you read enough posts here you'll understand that those of us that have been betrayed are just bitter, bitter people that no one likes anyway.

[norajane]

I don't want to get all defensive here - I deserve this, probably. But what if the husband never finds out? Actually, it's not a "what if" it's a "definitely". If something were to happen, I would take it to my grave with me. The last thing I want to do is cause him more pain, I'll come up with excuses, do whatever it takes. It's just that, sometimes, it seems that I need to get the reality straight and that, in turn, would put things into perspective for me. So, I guess the question is, really, what if I knew for certain that he would never find out about the cheating?

 

So, you're thinking of LYING YOUR ASS OFF every day to your husband while you carry on an affair? And how long do you think you can keep that up?

 

Even if you were to manage to keep it a secret - for a while - the time and energy you would put into the affair would take away from what you put into your marriage. It's a losing game because your marriage will just become worse and worse. An affair only ADDS problems to your marriage.

 

And what would be your plan then, say, a year into your affair? Are you going to stay married forever and keep James on the side? What makes you think James would even want that? Don't you have any respect for James, either, to offer him to be your little piece of nookie on the side indefinitely?

 

Believe me, you cannot know for certain that your husband will never find out. Once he gets suspicious of it, he will find out, sooner or later.

 

But what if (another "what if") the event itself is all I need to realise that this marriage is worth working on for more time?

Now you're thinking of cheating on your husband as a test of whether you still want to work on your marriage?

 

Look, reverse this. Imagine that your husband is in your shoes, and vice versa. Imagine that he's got a cute little grad student that he's had his eye on for, oh, about a year, and he is contemplating shagging her without telling you. Imagine he comes home every day and LIES, LIES, LIES to you about his day and what he did, when really, he spent the afernoon having sex with the hot grad student. Imagine he's considering whether to leave you or not, making all these decisions and choices about YOUR marriage without your knowledge. Imagine he goes off to a "conference" for a few days with his hot little grad student and lies to you about it. Imagine having sex with your husband right after he's had sex with his other girl...for weeks, months, years. Imagine he offers that you separate so he can bang his hot little grad student and see if it's worth dumping you completely. Imagine it. How would you feel about being the betrayed wife who knows absolutely nothing about who her very own husband is having sex with?

[Cobra_X30]

There is no judgment here.... I'm just warning you that this can and will eat you! If you have this in your past it can make you doubt who you are! If I felt you were some cold sociopathic type I would be saying something different... but I think cheating on a break would eat at the edges of your soul! Especially if you decided your marriage was worth working on!