forgiving and revenge

[moredeborah]

I have the hardest time forgiving people, forgetting their wrong actions and wanting (and even sometimes acting on) revenge.

 

This applies to EVERYONE from old friends, old boyfriends, my mother, my father...

 

but mostly to my boyfriend.

 

How does everyone else cope with it?

[Trialbyfire]

Forgiving is a funny thing, in that organized religion believes that you must do this. Perhaps what's actually being said is, do you forgive yourself? Do you understand yourself and your motivations for being so upset or angry?

 

As for revenge, 99% of the time, it's not worth the waste of emotions. The other 1% can, IMO, be a valuable learning/teaching vehicle. Actions to consequences.

[CaliGuy]

I have the hardest time forgiving people, forgetting their wrong actions and wanting (and even sometimes acting on) revenge.

 

This applies to EVERYONE from old friends, old boyfriends, my mother, my father...

 

but mostly to my boyfriend.

 

How does everyone else cope with it?

 

With a simple proverb: "The best revenge is a life well lived."

 

You're taking energy away from making yourself happy by focusing in on the things other people have done to you. All that does is keep the negative emotions hanging around until your plot is complete. And in the end, you'll never totally be happy.

 

Forgiving people for the wrongs they have done to you is the quickest way to heal and move on. Forgive, but don't forget so that you are wary the next time the opportunity to take advantage of and/or hurt you presents itself.

[CaliGuy]

Forgiving is a funny thing, in that organized religion believes that you must do this.

 

Not sure how religions in general see forgiveness but it is indeed a staple of Christianity.

[Trialbyfire]

Not sure how religions in general see forgiveness but it is indeed a staple of Christianity.

Understood. Clarity is good.

[Kasan]

How does everyone else cope with it?

 

When you realize, that for the most part, people do the best they can at the time. We are all flawed, make horrible decisions sometimes, and we can be cruel.....and I know that have done these same things to others either in error or by choice. Not something I am proud of.

 

This knowledge keeps me humble.

[quankanne]

it's knowing the difference between being mired in unhappiness (because that's the root of revenge – you're unhappy by someone else's actions, and by golly, that person is gonna pay!) and choosing to make a conscious effort to learn from the incident by forgiving the one who transgressed and moving on.

 

what do you gain by hanging on to your anger or bitterness or hurt for so long that it becomes the way you function? Do you really want to be that kind of person at 25? At 35? At 75?

 

we say "forgive and forget," but it should be "forgive and move on, even as you remember." Because that's the only way you work through the hurt inflicted on you.

[CaliGuy]

If you want to see how seeking revenge can make one an unhappy, bitter person, look up a long thread started by "Darkzen."

 

The urge to seek revenge doesn't cure your pain. It only prolongs it.

[Kasan]

If you want to see how seeking revenge can make one an unhappy, bitter person, look up a thread by "Darkzen."

 

The urge to seek revenge doesn't cure your pain. It only prolongs it.

 

I was going to suggest that to her, but does he need anymore attention?

 

I was really hoping that everyone would give up posting on his thread and he would leave.

[CaliGuy]

I was going to suggest that to her, but does he need anymore attention?

 

I was really hoping that everyone would give up posting on his thread and he would leave.

 

I'm glad it's there. Hopefully it will teach people that forgiving, forgetting and moving on are far more fruitful than planning and executing revenge.

[moredeborah]

thanks everyone...

 

there is a lot of truth here.

i do get unhappy, i am very bitter, and i don't understand myself.

 

i feel as though i never have forgiven someone, and now i think i don't know how.

 

weird.

[CaliGuy]

thanks everyone...

 

there is a lot of truth here.

i do get unhappy, i am very bitter, and i don't understand myself.

 

i feel as though i never have forgiven someone, and now i think i don't know how.

 

weird.

 

Grab a copy of the Holy Bible and start reading. Lots of good examples of how to forgive.

[jcster]

I spent a lot of years mired in resentments, and I've found that the common denominator for all of them was my refusal to put the past behind me and move on. Resentment is nothing more than anger that you've allowed to accumulate and fester.

 

I've since learned a few things about resentment and forgiveness:

 

1. Resentment, it's been said, is a burning coal that we refuse to let go of - it hurts no one but ourselves. If we want it to stop hurting we have to let it go.

 

2. Forgiving someone does not mean that we somehow approve or disregard what was done to us and it doesn't mean that it was OK that we were hurt. What it means is that we no longer want to hold onto the hurt - that it's in the past, and even if it's not forgotten, it's no longer a powerful force in our lives.

 

3. Gratitude is the best antidote for resentment. If you're busy looking at what you have, rather than what you've lost, then you will have no time or energy to be resentful.

 

4. It takes time and practice to forgive. It's hard to let go of those favorite resentments - but it's worth it. Start small, learn to train your thoughts away from the negative and onto the positive. Try writing a list of what you're grateful for, and everytime you find yourself dwelling on the past, take it out, read it, and add something to it.

 

You've done the hard part, you've recognized that resentment is not working for you, now you just need to put that energy into moving forward rather than looking backward.