farfrmnormal Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 I've posted in a few sections on this forum - no replies - maybe someone can help me out here. My boyfriend of 4 yrs and I had quite a falling out about 3 weeks ago. He told me he was frustrated with some things surrounding the relationship and needed some time to sort them out. Let me tell you - this has really opened up my eyes to the issues. I have sought professional help to resolve the issues and figure out why they were there. I am more in touch with my emotions then ever (one of his issues, which really caused all the other ones) and now I don't know how to shut them off. Here is my question - how can I move on and heal if he hasn't told me its over? Many say "consider it to be over" - its not that easy, especially when neither of us want it to be - he just has to sort things out. I am not expecting that we will get back together because anything can happen - he may feel that he is too frustrated and can't get past his issues. On a side note we are currently doing NC Suggestions?
CaliGuy Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Are you seeking closure? Closure is what you make of it. Right now you aren't talking to each other and based on what he said, I would assume you are not getting back together. In the meantime what you should be doing is working out every day, diving into new hobbies, hanging out with friends and working on self improvement. This, in addition to time, will help you heal. Stick to NC and don't focus on the past. Put your time and energy into the present and future because that's all you have. The past is done and over with. You'll heal and move on about as fast as you want to, which will require you to be dedicated and true to yourself and not sulk in the past.
KittenMoon Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 I empathize with you. Well over a year after we broke up, my exbf STILL wouldn't outright say to me "it's over", despite minimal contact the whole time. And I literally demanded he say those exact words to me. But he wouldn't. I say this because you need to not expect him to tell you it's over. You could demand it, but like I said even that's not a guarantee of getting a real answer. If you can't get an answer, then you need to just walk away. He wants to follow, fine, but you've done your part. He needs to make an effort too, even if it's just to say "we're done forever". In the mean time, continue your life, build it anew, work on yourself, etc etc- but in short just live.
CaliGuy Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 I think she has an answer. Not saying it's over is a cowards way of avoiding an uncomfortable situation. Why wait for his answer??? GIVE HIM ONE. Tell HIM it's over!
Author farfrmnormal Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 I should have explained more - he told me that his main goal was for us to be together, and we couldn't be until he got over his issues. He told me he would not string me along and once everything was settled we would talk. I am giving myself a month - after that month I will contact him and see where he's at, if at that point he cannot give me an answer I feel I will be ready to walk away. But right now I am not ready to tell him its over. I am working out everyday and have taken up kick boxing. Its my time at work that is the hardest - after work I have no problem finding things to do. Odd? I know.
CaliGuy Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 I should have explained more - he told me that his main goal was for us to be together, and we couldn't be until he got over his issues. He told me he would not string me along and once everything was settled we would talk. I am giving myself a month - after that month I will contact him and see where he's at, if at that point he cannot give me an answer I feel I will be ready to walk away. But right now I am not ready to tell him its over. I am working out everyday and have taken up kick boxing. Its my time at work that is the hardest - after work I have no problem finding things to do. Odd? I know. So basically he's asked you to put your life on hold while he gets his act together. Sounds rather selfish, doesn't it?
Author farfrmnormal Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 He never once asked me to - I told him I couldn't wait for forever. He said "I completely understand that". Basically, I have set myself a timeline - 1 month. Simply because I am not ready to say its over yet. What I am hoping for is some words to push me in that direction.
CaliGuy Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 He never once asked me to - I told him I couldn't wait for forever. He said "I completely understand that". Basically, I have set myself a timeline - 1 month. Simply because I am not ready to say its over yet. What I am hoping for is some words to push me in that direction. I think he's given you everything you need to make that decision. You're NC right now. My point to you is the sooner YOU make the decision to end things and move on the sooner you can heal and move on with your life. If you need a push in that direction, here it is. *push* Don't wait on him.
Author farfrmnormal Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 I am giving myself a month because I feel like after that time I will be more apt to make a better decision.
CaliGuy Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 I am giving myself a month because I feel like after that time I will be more apt to make a better decision. Then when the 30 days are over be resilient in your decision to move on. Best of luck
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