Any thoughts on this one?

[bichin]

I’m looking for some feedback on a situation that I am currently dealing with.

 

I am currently engaged to a woman that I have been seeing for 10 months. We have been engaged for 5 months now. We both have two children from our previous marriages. I got divorced 2 and a half years ago and she was going through her divorce when we met.

 

Next month she is going on vacation and taking her kids with her. She is driving out of state and the drive should be about five hours. She is worried about driving such a distance by herself with the kids as she has never done it before.

 

She told me the other day that her ex husband has offered to let her use his truck for her trip if she wanted to swap cars since his truck is newer. She brought this to me to let me know she was considering the idea. She is uncomfortable letting me help her by letting her use my car or paying for a rental because she says I do so much for her already.

 

I do not think it is appropriate that she would swap cars with him in a non-emergency situation for a few reasons. Here are my thoughts on this…

 

As recently as six months ago, he was tapping her phone lines and only very recently have they started to get along. While their relationship is less destructive than the relationship I have with my ex, it is very recently starting to improve. He also does not know about the engagement yet, because they are still trying to sell the house they jointly owned during the marriage and she doesn’t want him to freak out over that and start being difficult. He still sends her text messages and tells her on the phone that he knows what he did wrong in their marriage and he wishes he has another chance. I wonder if he would be so willing to help out if he knew that we were already engaged. Also, I feel in any divorce there needs to be a boundary on the things that you turn to your ex for assistance with. To me, given the circumstances this is not the sort of thing she should be turning to him for.

 

I feel that at this point in our relationship, we need to begin working together to find solutions to these sorts of issues. She has a number of alternatives available to her (her car is not in bad shape although it is 5 years old, my car is brand new, or I offered to get her a rental), yet she is most comfortable driving his truck over the alternatives. It bothers me that she tells me she is uncomfortable in letting me provide things that she cannot afford. Despite the fact that she has been telling me for months that she knows what she wants and was ready to be engaged, this causes me to doubt the timing of us actually getting engaged. I feel like I am ready and she is not. We should be looking forward for solutions to today’s issues, not backwards.

 

She has had problems in the past with car troubles and has been unable to even change a tire on her own. I have offered to show her how to change a tire on my car or hers, yet on his truck, I doubt she could even physically dismount the spare on her own.

 

I have expressed to her that it also bothers me on an emotional level for her to drive his truck. It bothers me deeply enough that the day she told me about this I lost my appetite and barely slept that night. Her reaction was that she feels I will always be uncomfortable with her working with him to provide things that the kids need. I have told her that his is not the case and I feel this instance goes above and beyond a need for the kids.

 

Anyone have any thoughts on this?

[Krytie TV]

I guess I would say that I'm sorry it bothers you. It sounds to me like she has an ex-husband that is willing to do the right thing for her and her kids, regardless of the past. That's really hard to come by nowadays. I also don't blame her for not wanting to borrow your car. In her shoes, I would feel the same way. I would never accept help from someone on that level that I was not currently or previously married to. Let her be responsible in this matter. And yes, I think she's being very responsible.

 

I say let it go. Whatever your feelings for the ex, he is the father of her children and he will hopefully ALWAYS be around. You can try to guess his motivation all you want, but it's not your place to. The sooner you accept that, the happier you'll be. If you make this a competition for attention, you will lose, and rightly so. Why not be happy that she will have reliable transportaion for her and the kids and that you didn't have to put yourself out for it?

[LoveLace]

Have to say I agree with Krytie. It was decent of the Ex to offer his truck for the trip with his kids. It does sound a bit like he would like to have her back, but it doesn't sound at all like she would do so. She otherwise sounds devoted to you, and is just trying not to rely on you for too much especially when it comes to her kids. It SHOULD be the father assisting her sometimes. I think you just don't enjoy the thought of her driving the man's truck instead of your vehicle; as though the truck has more meaning to it than it really does; as though the truck symbolizes him instead of you as being part of her family. If you worry of any chance that she might consider going back to him, she needs to know about your worries, so that she has the chance to reassure you.

 

When it comes to 2nd marriages that involve children, we have to accept that the Ex's will always be involved in some way or another, and it shouldn't be mistakened for deeper feelings....you'd need a much better reason than borrowing a vehicle to suspect such a thing. If they are calling each other and talking dirty or something, get back to us! Hopefully your mind will feel more put at ease soon.

[Aussie65]

I see no problem with it if she is gaining from the swap.Maybe he has realised he needs to think of the kids?.I can see where you are coming from having had him tap her phones...that's insane!I just cannot see the big deal about swapping cars.

I loaned my ex my car so he could run my daughter around one night from work to friends etc so I could go out with my man,MY MAN was the one gaining from it yet he has told me now I am NOT allowed to loan my car to my ex.You know my response?...I work...I pay the loan off so I will do what I want with my car and if its benifitting 'us' then why make a big deal?I had two kids to this man...it's great to see two people get along when their are children involved...beats fighting huh?

[bichin]

Thanks for the feedback guys (gals more appropriately I suppose)

 

We talked some more this afternoon. Reading your comments helped me to better understand what my issues were with this situation.

 

1. I feel that we have different sets of expectations at this point regarding our relationship. This is something we need to talk about in the near future and get on the same page with. I have it in my head that we should be working toward getting closer together, while she is needing a period of independence as she moves on from her divorce. It's hard for me because that means I need to step back and not do the type of things I would normally do, but at the same time, I can relate to what she is going through having just gone through a divorce myself a few years ago.

 

2. I will admit that I have the stereotypical male reaction of "I don't want to see my woman driving her ex's vehicle" going on here. However, if there was a logical reason as to why, it would make sense. In this case, I don't logically see how it's justified. Her own car is running fine, she is just over worrying. Also, I really do feel that if something happens in the middle of nowhere, she will be less able to help herself in that truck than she would in her own car.

 

3. I think she is putting too much trust in him too fast. Like I said before, less than a year ago this guy was treating her like total trash. He is a police officer and she basically had to threaten to report him to his supervisor to get him to stop harassing her. He's not really vying for father of the year either. He has the kkids every other weekend and typically sleeps or works most of the time they are with him, pawning them off on his mom or brother. Last year for Christmas he didn't help do anything for either of them for Christmas and for his son's birthday he didn't do anything for him. I can see this playing out already, he'll be driving around in her car for a week, digging into every little thing that she leaves in the car trying to pry into her life. He's displayed very typical behgavior of a control freak during the time that I have known her and I don't think he is that trust worthy yet.

 

Obviously, we have some things to talk about that will not be so easy, but it is the fact that we can talk about these things openly until we work through them that gives me confidence in this relationship.

 

I appreciate the feedback so far, please feel free to keep it coming! Reading it does help me think and sort through the source of my feelings.

[katyplease]

So I see where your issue is with whole matter. What I find interesting is how she says you already spend so much on her already and doesnt want you to spend anymore. You two are supposed to get married and share everything anyways, since you have already made that commitment she should not have a problem accepting gifts from you or help for that matter. It kind of sounds like she wants to string the ex along, like you mentioned to keep things running smoothly with him. After knowing how upset you were about this whole situation with her borrowing his car that should have ended her resistance to spare you any expense. Seems like you have made it pretty obvious that it is not a problem for you to help her out. Also starting your relationship out with dishonestly or failure to disclose...in her case not telling the ex...is not a very good start to any relationship. Love should not be a covert operation. She needs to be honest and up front with both of you. Maybe she has put herself in a situation with him, who doesnt know how close you two are. Maybe if she tells him she wont need his truck..then he will start asking questions like what car are you going to use then? Any and all lies will catch up to you in the end. You need to start over from scratch with this one. This time starting with the truth.

[Krytie TV]

So I see where your issue is with whole matter. What I find interesting is how she says you already spend so much on her already and doesnt want you to spend anymore. You two are supposed to get married and share everything anyways, since you have already made that commitment she should not have a problem accepting gifts from you or help for that matter.

 

No offense Katy, but that's the attitude of a "taker". Not everyone is a taker and it should be no surprise that someone just learning to live life on her own again (though in the context of a LTR, which is concerning) after a divorce would want to do for herself. I wouldn't offer that kind of help from someone I was dating, but you could argue that I'm also a male and there's other dynamics at work there.

 

It's different with her ex because he is obligated to the welfare of the children. She likely does not see that being the case with the OP.

[Cobra_X30]

No offense Katy, but that's the attitude of a "taker". Not everyone is a taker and it should be no surprise that someone just learning to live life on her own again (though in the context of a LTR, which is concerning) after a divorce would want to do for herself. I wouldn't offer that kind of help from someone I was dating, but you could argue that I'm also a male and there's other dynamics at work there.

 

It's different with her ex because he is obligated to the welfare of the children. She likely does not see that being the case with the OP.

 

No Katy is correct on this one. My gut feeling is that she wants to borrow the truck because the ex is pushing her to borrow it, and she wants to hide her current relationship from him.

 

This is overall a bad situation. There is a strong possibility that the relationship is going too far too fast. Step back and re-assess the situation objectively.

 

Doesnt this sound like a rebound situation to you?

[bichin]

It's definitely not a thing where she is hiding things from him. He knows about me all too well. I have grown very close to her kids and they tell him about me. She has held off on relaying the engagement info because their house from their marriage is still on the market, and she is trying to keep him from being difficult with her regarding the house.

 

She has been completely honest from the beginning. Most of the things that I do for her to help out, I do on my own without asking her first. She's still in a tight financial situation, and although she doesn't want to ask, she needs the help. She did identify that before we get married, she wants to spend six months to a year on her own with no financial help so that she can prove to herself that she can support her kids on her own and make it. While I may not think that is something that would be necessary, I completely understand that after a divorce, there are just some things that you have to go through to get back to being you. I think ultimately, we'll need to compromise on her still allowing me to do some of the things that I just tend to do in a relationship without stepping on the toes of her needs.

 

She certainly has been a unique find for me. I've never known the level of honesty and understanding that we have shared thus far. I think it's just growing pains due to the timing of when we met and the relationship progressing to another level.

 

As far as the truck thing goes, I realize that sometimes you have to agree to disagree. It's not going to help anything to keep complaining about it. I've explained how I feel about it and why, and that is all I can do. She still is making the decision that she feels is best for herself and I respect that, even if I do not agree with it or like it.