peace_pipe Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 This girl and I have been casually "dating" for over a month now. We have a good many things in common, and generally get along really well. The very first day we met - she mentioned that she wanted to be friends. I said that was cool, but I wasn't intenting to be only "friends". She responded well to that, stating that most guys would "pretend" to want friends only to try to get in her pants later. So she said she respected me for this, and continued. Fast forward a few weeks. A week ago, we had a big argument because we brought up the "where is this going" talk. Then she threw the friends thing at me again. I told her I loved being her friend but that I knew I would want more eventually. During this time we made out A LOT - but no sex. So we didn't talk for a week. I missed her so I sent her some flowers.... She came over to discuss things and now it's back to the same ol' same ol'. We discussed that good relationships start with a goodfriendship. We are both in agreement there. She also split up with her ex only a few months ago (of 4 years). I told her I would show compassion for that and take things slow. She claimed that she is very attracted to me, enjoys my company and is impressed with what I have accomplished in my life. So we decided that essentially we would date and see where it goes. This is perfectly fine by me, this is all I ever wanted to begin with. Good, right? Well, a few days ago she came over, I made drinks and we made out heavily. Yesterday she comes over and proclaims that what we did the night before was "wrong" and she didn't want to lead me on. Then, 2 hours later, we are in my bed doing the same thing again! I am a bit confused... ya think???
jj2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 get some chicken and a blunt and maybe she will want some sex:rolleyes: sounds like she's a little too "high maintenance" for you
spookie Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 I'd be careful if I were you. I think when someone tells you they do not want a relationship with you, it's best to take them at their word. It sounds like she's attracted to you but doesn't feel like you guys are compatible enough to be together. I've been in her shoes before and I know my actions ended up damaging, even if I never lied.
hindsfeet Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 dude, i know full well the feeling you have right now man. been dating a girl for past few months in exact same situation. what recently has really helped us was just trying to address why sh wanted to be 'just' friends by title and more by actions. ultimately what came out was that she was deeply hurt by last relationship and is scared of really allowing herself to get to that point again. by realising the problem, we have been able to establish more than just friends and are taking it slowly. until she realises where she is at though, just be patient and try to be aware of her feeling and sensitive to the fact that she is still healing. starting a new relationship means letting go of one. she may or may not be at that point.
Author peace_pipe Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 dude, i know full well the feeling you have right now man. been dating a girl for past few months in exact same situation. what recently has really helped us was just trying to address why sh wanted to be 'just' friends by title and more by actions. ultimately what came out was that she was deeply hurt by last relationship and is scared of really allowing herself to get to that point again. by realising the problem, we have been able to establish more than just friends and are taking it slowly. until she realises where she is at though, just be patient and try to be aware of her feeling and sensitive to the fact that she is still healing. starting a new relationship means letting go of one. she may or may not be at that point. I think this is a really good post. It was very helpful to hear another person’s similar experience. Thank you. I am really liking this girl which does not happen often for me!! However, I am caught between that and doubting her true intentions because of emotional state. Her ex did her bad in many ways of which I can relate because my last girlfriend did the same to me. I must admit, with some girls, I would just walk in this situation. With this girl, for some reason I feel I able to stick around until her emotions settle down. We have a connection when we are together that is not easy to overlook. I see her nearly everyday anyway. I’m just afraid of getting sucked in and getting hurt, but I suppose that’s the chance we take in the game called love.
Star Gazer Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 I'd be careful if I were you. I think when someone tells you they do not want a relationship with you, it's best to take them at their word. It sounds like she's attracted to you but doesn't feel like you guys are compatible enough to be together. Sooooo true.
Author peace_pipe Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 Sooooo true. I don't see it.
Author peace_pipe Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 I'd be careful if I were you. I think when someone tells you they do not want a relationship with you, it's best to take them at their word. It sounds like she's attracted to you but doesn't feel like you guys are compatible enough to be together. I've been in her shoes before and I know my actions ended up damaging, even if I never lied. She didn't say that she didn't want a relationship with me specifically. She says that she is not ready for a relationship with anyone, but she really enjoys the time we spend together.
oppath Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 It doesn't matter peace pipe. There are times when I have not wanted a relationship and no girl would have changed that, true, but most of the times I haven't wanted a relationship, the right woman could definitely change my mind. Even if she doesn't want a relationship with anybody right now, well, you are anybody. You have to take it to mean "I don't want a relationship with you." Now, she is sending some mixed signals. You are making out but not dating? All I can say is: flirt if not date other women. Don't make her an option. I once dated a girl for 5 months in your situation, and it devastated my self esteem. She'd assure me she thought we were right for each other but she didn't want a relationship. What she meant, in reality, was "I do like you, I am attracted to you, but I'm too curious what else is out there to be your girlfriend because you don't compare to my ex." Tread with caution. This is one of the few situations I'd actually advice being more of a "jerk" or trying to get a FWB situation. Don't be her friend. Don't take her on dates or buy her things. Only see her once every 10 days. Make it clear you have a sexual and romantic interest in her but you are not going to take her on dates until she severs with her past, etc. Now, that doesn't mean be a manipulative ass, it means don't be her shoulder to lean on. It means distance yourself enough that she needs to chase you if she misses you.
Author peace_pipe Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 Even if she doesn't want a relationship with anybody right now, well, you are anybody. You have to take it to mean "I don't want a relationship with you." I know what you are saying here and I generally agree with you! I actually asked her this - straight up - if what she really means is that she does specifically not want a relationship with me, and she claims this is not the case at all!
oppath Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Well PeacePipe, my ex girlfriend broke up with me claiming she wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship -- this is after telling me she loved me and thought I was the guy she was going to marry -- and I called her out on it. I said "if you're feelings have changed or they aren't progressing, just tell me that, but when someone says 'I'm not ready for a relationship' what they mean is 'I no longer want a relationship with YOU.' If that is how you feel, just be honest." All I got was "of course that's not how I feel. If I wanted a relationship with anybody it would be with you? It has nothing to do with a lack of feelings; all the chemistry, romance, and passion are there." Later that night she is telling mutual friends "he's a good guy, fun to hang out with, and the sex is awesome, but I'm over it and have been for a while." Never trust a woman to be 100% truthful with her words unless you've spend enough time with her to determine if she is the blunt, honest type, or if she is the type who acts passively when it comes to potentially hurting someone's feelings. With my ex, I knew she was the 2nd type of person, and I was pissed. Of course months later...I wonder "what if" I had handled things differently and sought clarification. What it comes down to, is regardless of how someone justifies something, I deserve someone who WANTS TO BE WITH ME and is clear on that. This new girl, you haven't invested that much time. Be her friend, but be distant too. Make it clear to her that you have a sexual and romantic interest -- that those are your intentions -- but you respect her position, and don't hang out with her very often. Make her chase you down. She is giving mixed signals and all you can do is be on her periphery and allow her to come to you.
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