Obese husband

[onthethruway]

If I am coming off as nasty, I am sorry. I didn't think that I was. By the way Allina, are you married?

[JamesM]

If I am coming off as nasty, I am sorry. I didn't think that I was. By the way Allina, are you married?

 

As a guy, I don't think you are being nasty.

 

Jeeze, this guy has major issues!

 

Take the money away from him! Take his transportation too for the moment!

 

I dont know what to say. It sounds like he doesnt want to do anything about this. You cant fix Lazy!

 

Actually, the book you mentioned...I have it gathering dust on my shelf, too. And that is because it is an unreasonable diet plan for life. I have read the book and I have tried it, but for me, the thing that worked was tweaking my own diet. Cutting back portions, eliminating one snack at a time. When I started seeing results, then I became more motivated. Making a complete radical diet change is not usually practical for most people, nor does it usually last. Recently, I saw an article in People magazine about former winners on the Biggest Loser Show. Out of eight, only ONE had stayed the same or lost weight. All others had gained back 20# or more. Why? Because the diet on the show is not practical for real life.

 

Treating him like a child will not make him act like an adult.

 

You are right...he needs to do something about it. When he hits bottom, he will.

 

onthethruway, your goal is to "make" him see that he is on the bottom.

[onthethruway]

James you are the voice of reason in a sea of troubles. Believe me, I like junk food too. But I'm not constantly shoving it down my mouth. I just feel like I'm treading on egg shells. I don't want to treat him like a baby. I don't want to take away the car keys and ground him like a teenager. He's an adult. We are partners. I'm just trying to find a way to help the situation without making it worse. Maybe I just can't find the right words. I don't want to nag and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

 

He's tried Slimfast, Healthy Choice and Atkins. Big Zero. I think the key is moderation in all things. Eat healthier (that's the key - even small things can be cut out - I really don't think that's unreasonable). And some form of exercise, even if it's just a walk in the park.

[whichwayisup]

Well on top of the obesity he has asthma ( can you say train wreck?). Maybe I'll make a subtle hint about him going to the doctor for a check up. The problem is he just lost his job (not his fault, the company closed) so we have no health insurance (no stress in this family, huh?).

 

He sounds depressed. Stress, not being a productive part of society again, low self esteem....Hense his weight gain even more as the years go by.

 

I think you need to be completely honest with him. Tough love...

 

Tell him you love him, that he's your life but you are so scared he is going to die if he doesn't get off his ass and get help. Whether it be counselling, or seeing a nutritionist to get him started on a weight loss program, SOMETHING has to happen...If not, his weight gain and depression WILL get worse.

 

I know you are frustrated and hurt, but just know right now this isn't about you. HE is miserable with himself.

 

Going elsewhere, seeking attention from another man will only add to your problems...Even if it is online...It's betrayal.

 

Maybe you need to do a complete intervention with his closest friends, his family and you. It'll piss him off big time, but maybe, just maybe, it will open his eyes to realize he does need help badly.

[onthethruway]

yes, he has lots of friends. I think they are worried too. I think that's the way to go. Someone outside the family might make the difference.

[Kasan]

Dieting and eating better is not the simple fix for obesity. As noted, he has tried a few plans without any success.

 

So my question is what is driving his need to eat himself to death? That is the real issue here. He is stuffing his issues down with every bite that he takes.

 

I had a family member who went through the same issue as your husband so I know that talking, pleading, cajoling just doesn't work. Gastric bypass worked for her, but she traded in her food addiction for an alcohol addiction.

 

This weight issue is not going to be a simple fix of diet and exercise.

[whichwayisup]

This weight issue is not going to be a simple fix of diet and exercise.

 

I agree. He needs therapy because he's become accustomed to this sort of lifestyle. His mind, his habits, his choices...All lead to depression and self esteem issues.

[onthethruway]

so without being a jerk, how do I tell him he needs a shrink?

[Kasan]

so without being a jerk, how do I tell him he needs a shrink?

 

You get him to see the doctor for a physical because I think he probably has high blood pressure and borderline if not diabetes.

 

The doctor can recommend someone for him, but I would check in with unemployment about insurance because you don't have any right?

[onthethruway]

So he needs to call Unemployment to see if he can get insurance, then subtley hint that he should see the doctor. I once mentioned the diabetes possibility to him, but he didn't buy it. So you see what an uphill battle I have. Maybe I should just be blunt. Ask him why he's unhappy, why he eats too much. What I can do (besides tremendous amounts of sex) to get him motivated to take care of himself?

Would that be a bit harsh? Sorry if I sound stupid. I'm really at a loss.

[Kasan]

So he needs to call Unemployment to see if he can get insurance, then subtley hint that he should see the doctor. I once mentioned the diabetes possibility to him, but he didn't buy it. So you see what an uphill battle I have. Maybe I should just be blunt. Ask him why he's unhappy, why he eats too much. What I can do (besides tremendous amounts of sex) to get him motivated to take care of himself?

Would that be a bit harsh? Sorry if I sound stupid. I'm really at a loss.

 

 

Do you have a family doctor? If not, is there a clinic where you live? Why don't you google obesity and you will see that it is more complex and serious than having a conversation.

 

Maybe his parents would pay for him to go to a doctor, as they were receptive to paying for weigh watchers. You don't mess around with high blood pressure and/or diabetes. Blindness, stroke, kidney failure, well you get the picture.

 

He might get have to get a physical for his next job...so maybe any conditions could be picked up then. Worse case scenario he could fail his physical....

 

And your not stupid....why would you know?

[onthethruway]

BTW, he has many "fat" friends. Some were heavy and had the surgery to lose weight. We were looking into that , then his company closed. I doubt insurance from unemployment would cover the surgery. Besides, we find it scary. Some people die from that surgery. There is a "middle of the road" proceedure involving a rubber band. But again, without the insurance, none of these things are possible. And in addition, we are worried about not having my little girl covered, since her ADHD is severe and she needs medication. I'm also on medication for the "adult" version, but I guess I can sacrifice that and just try to deal without it.

 

I've read a study that exercise really makes you feel better mentally. The food issue may be the most difficult part. I'm going to try to get the whole family motivated to get up, go out and get some exercise. In a small way, that might help.

[onthethruway]

Sorry, I'm very sensitive. Allina's comments about me being disrepectful upset me.

[Kasan]

BTW, he has many "fat" friends. Some were heavy and had the surgery to lose weight. We were looking into that , then his company closed. I doubt insurance from unemployment would cover the surgery. Besides, we find it scary. Some people die from that surgery. There is a "middle of the road" proceedure involving a rubber band. But again, without the insurance, none of these things are possible. And in addition, we are worried about not having my little girl covered, since her ADHD is severe and she needs medication. I'm also on medication for the "adult" version, but I guess I can sacrifice that and just try to deal without it.

 

I've read a study that exercise really makes you feel better mentally. The food issue may be the most difficult part. I'm going to try to get the whole family motivated to get up, go out and get some exercise. In a small way, that might help.

 

Well, the most important thing right now is the doctor's visit for your husband to make sure he is okay other than being obese.

 

I believe Walmart has $4 prescription fees for common drugs. I am not familiar with this program, but if you are on medication, maybe your doctor can cre-write your prescriptions there if your meds are covered.

 

Really watch the processed foods as they are loaded with sodium which contributes to high blood pressure.

 

Exercise is great.... it releases endorphins which gives you a lift. Exercise is advised for depression. I really don't know that much about why exercise works the way it does, I am sure the men will explain it to you.

 

It is not my intention to scare you, but make you aware.

[Cobra_X30]

Sorry, I'm very sensitive. Allina's comments about me being disrepectful upset me.

 

Focus on the poeple who have good advice and care!

 

James, Kasan, and WWIU are all very wise and intuitive!

[JamesM]

What I can do (besides tremendous amounts of sex) to get him motivated to take care of himself?

 

I'm really at a loss.

 

I understand your frustration, but I do think you have some options yet. One that came to me as I was just now readind this post was...

 

How long before you will be hired? Did you say that you will get insurance through your company? When we have new insurance, we have to choose a doctor. This involves a physical. A physical can detect diabetes or any other possible problem. And if you have a doctor, is this not a good time to switch...so dear hubby needs to take a physical? And if you both have the same doctor, you can take the physical first and talk with the doctor. Although he cannot reveal anything to you about hubby, be can listen when you talk to him about hubby. And trust me...they listen. BTW, he probably won't tell your husband about your conversation either.

 

As for counseling, does husband realize that you feel that there are troubles in the marriage? If so, then couples counseling may help him motivate his own thinking. And it may also help YOU deal with his problems without enabling him or resenting him.

 

Remember, any progress is good. Miracles happen, but usually it is only when we look back at them that we realize they occurred. In other words, small steps lead to big changes.

 

I've read a study that exercise really makes you feel better mentally. The food issue may be the most difficult part. I'm going to try to get the whole family motivated to get up, go out and get some exercise. In a small way, that might help.

 

Exercise IS a great motivator. And walks with family help communication and bring members closer together. Do you as a family have time to walk each night? This will give you both time to talk and listen. My wife and I did it many times in the past, and for her, it was a great way to talk through her work issues at the time. By talking and listening, we both felt closer as friends.

 

You want him to lose weight.

 

He wants more sex with you.

 

You feel "repulsed" by his weight. Hence, you probably feel less like a friend to him.

 

He walks with you and loses weight.

 

You talk with him and get him to open up...you understand him, he understands you. You both become friends again.

 

You feel closer to him again. You feel more attracted to him.

 

He gets sex. You get a slimmer husband.

 

Win-Win. This could be a help in a small way that leads to big changes.

[onthethruway]

I've heard about the Walmart plan. We should check that out. I just know the drugs are really expensive without insurance. My doctor visits are astronomical without it as well. I've been aware of the problem for a long time and so has he. He's probably scared and doesn't know what to do. I've got my work cut out for me.

 

Thanks for your advice!

[onthethruway]

Thank you James, I'm feeling better already.

[onthethruway]

He really likes our doctor. Just need to get him there somehow.....

[Kasan]

I've heard about the Walmart plan. We should check that out. I just know the drugs are really expensive without insurance. My doctor visits are astronomical without it as well. I've been aware of the problem for a long time and so has he. He's probably scared and doesn't know what to do. I've got my work cut out for me.

 

Thanks for your advice!

 

Does your doctor have a nurse practitioner? They are usually a lot cheaper and I think listen a lot better. They are also willing to spend a little bit longer with you.

 

If your husband was willing to look at surgery alternatives, then he is very aware of his issue. That is truly a good sign. The fact that he has overweight friends that have lost significant amounts of weight is even better. I am sure that he is thinking about this more than you will ever know.

 

I would talk to some of his friends and find out some of things they are now doing ...maybe you could incorporate some of these things in your family's lifestyle.

 

Depression will make it hard if not difficult for him to reach out. You will have to be pro-active on this. I am sorry that you have reached the "for better or worse" part of your marriage right now....but know that you both can come through this as a stronger couple. :)

[onthethruway]

My doctor does not have a nurse practioner. Perhaps we could look into the health insurance from the temp agency ( I am still with them for now). That's usually a big chunk out of the paycheck. I'm not sure if I can cover the whole family. To make matters worse, there is something fishy about my job; can't explain it..just a weird feeling. Nice people, but I think they are in financial trouble....Perhaps it's time to look into some sort of family service for help other than the state. I guess you have to be living on the street to get help from the government.......but that's a subject for a different thread.

[Kasan]

My doctor does not have a nurse practioner. Perhaps we could look into the health insurance from the temp agency ( I am still with them for now). That's usually a big chunk out of the paycheck. I'm not sure if I can cover the whole family. To make matters worse, there is something fishy about my job; can't explain it..just a weird feeling. Nice people, but I think they are in financial trouble....Perhaps it's time to look into some sort of family service for help other than the state. I guess you have to be living on the street to get help from the government.......but that's a subject for a different thread.

 

Go back to unemployment, they have many resources and can point you in the right direction. Each state varies what unemployment provides. I live in a pretty affluent and socially responsible state....maybe you do too.

 

I am sorry to hear about your current job. Keep your chin up!!!!

[onthethruway]

I definitely need to look back at these threads and write a few things down. Thanks again everyone for your help.

[va bene]

Okay, but you sound like you have zero respect for your husband, do you treat him like a worthless, lazy blob at home or does it just come off this way on here?

 

Allina, frankly I think your comments are missing the ball. I think the OP's posts and feelings are very consistent to how a normal, responsible and loving person would feel given the circumstances.

[onthethruway]

thanks va bene for you comment.