onthethruway Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Here is my story. I am 46, 5'5" tall. I weigh approximately 125 - 130 pounds and I wear a size 8. I had a 10lb baby when I was 39. My husband is 37, 6' tall and extremely overweight (around 400lbs). He was nowhere that large when we met 12 years ago. We have been married 10 years. I love him very much, but I find having sex with him rather repulsive. He loves me very much and says he finds me very attractive. He feels that I'm not affectionate enough towards him and wants to make love constantly, but I am no longer attracted to him. I know nagging about losing weight doesn't work ( I've tried that). I wind up having to have a few drinks before sex. This is not good considering alchoholism runs in my family. He supposedly was very active when he was younger. I've tried (and so have his parents) to get him to eat better and exercise. His mom offered him to go to weight watchers. She even offered to pay for reconstructive surgery after weight lost surgery. He has done none of these things. More than than the sex thing, I am worried about his health. I just don't want to come home one day and tell my little girl that Daddy is gone. I'm really at my wits end. On top of all this, I'm worried my girl will take after him (junk food, lethargy, etc.). My apartment is a disaster (he's home full time and I work full time). He doesn't clean at all. He either goes out with his friends or sits in front of the computer. I really feel hopeless. I don't know if anything can be done. Anyway, I just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening.
amaysngrace Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 It would be hard to have sex with someone you feel sexually unattracted to, regardless if they are your spouse or not. I don't fault you there. But how do you approach the subject without hurting his feelings? Has he been to a doctor for a check-up recently? Maybe I'd go that route and let the doc be the bearer of bad news on what he's in for if he doesn't lose the weight. You know if he goes to the doctor the doc will surely bring up his weight issue. I would just wait for the opportunity to present itself and when it does get his ass to the doctors. Flu season's coming up.
Ladyjane14 Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 At 400 pounds... this guy is well on his way to MAJOR health problems. Have you considered marriage counseling? Perhaps a third party can help him understand that he's going to lose you. Emotional withdrawal on your part is almost inevitable. He's asking you to emotionally invest in a guy who's slowly committing suicide. Your "investment" isn't safe. Maybe he needs somebody to explain that to him.
Author onthethruway Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 Well on top of the obesity he has asthma ( can you say train wreck?). Maybe I'll make a subtle hint about him going to the doctor for a check up. The problem is he just lost his job (not his fault, the company closed) so we have no health insurance (no stress in this family, huh?).
Author onthethruway Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 Yeah god forbid he should listen to his wife, huh? Ever try talking to a brick wall? Any suggestions as to whom I should get him to talk to? Friends, family, the doctor? Should I conspire behind his back? The direct approach doesn't work. To be honest, he once lost 50lbs. That was when I was sort of fooling around with a 25 year old co-worker who was a complete stud. I'd rather not go down that road again. It was really ugly. I'm still carrying that guilt and probably will forever.
amaysngrace Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Did they offer him a cobra plan? Do they still make cobra plans? It's been so long since I've been employed I don't even know how the working world is anymore. Maybe he's overeating a lot lately because he feels bad about his situation? Maybe you can use his future employment as an inspiration for him to lose weight? Maybe if he feels that he won't get gainful employment at his current health status then maybe that will trigger him to get his butt in motion? Something to shoot for, you know?
Cobra_X30 Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 That sucks! He is probably got some emotional issues that he tries to fix with food! At 400#'s he could drop weight very fast if he started to make some changes.
Author onthethruway Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 Our financial situation is not the best. Cobra is a tremendous expense. I'm hoping to get insurance soon. Right now I'm a temp, but the company I'm working at loves me and wants to hire me. It's just a matter of time. The irony is we've applied to the state for assistance, but they say we make too much money! He's been overweight for a long time, so this losing the job thing is unrelated.
JamesM Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Yeah god forbid he should listen to his wife, huh? Ever try talking to a brick wall? Any suggestions as to whom I should get him to talk to? Friends, family, the doctor? Should I conspire behind his back? The direct approach doesn't work. To be honest, he once lost 50lbs. That was when I was sort of fooling around with a 25 year old co-worker who was a complete stud. I'd rather not go down that road again. It was really ugly. I'm still carrying that guilt and probably will forever. I am not sure what this "sort of fooling around" means, but did you do that BECAUSE he was overweight? How did the two of you reconcile? Did you have counseling? Did his weight get talked about at that time? Or was it his reaction? One thing I can say about everyone who gains weight...they have no energy. I can say that for me simply losing 20# has made a difference. So, if he is 400#, then he has no energy to clean and no motivation to do anything physical. And this in turn increases the depression...which in his case, probably increases the eating. And a computer is an esacpe route. He can be who he wants to be while ignoring his life problems. What does he do on the computer? Is he into gaming? Porn (sorry had to ask)? Is he looking for another job? I am guessing that he is well aware of how people look at him. This does not increase his self-esteem which in turn makes him appear an unlikely candidate for a job. My guess is that the best solution...and maybe the only solution...is that the two of you get counseling. This obesity factor will ruin your marriage if not dealt with. And then he will really have no incentive to lose weight.
allina Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Your husband is probably struggling emotionally and food is his only outlet right now. The fact that you had an affair with a younger man and aren't attracted to him anymore can't be helping. What ever happened to your vows? That whole thing about "through sickness and healthy" did you forget about that one? You sound so resentful. How about showing YOUR HUSBAND some passion and love and telling him that you're worried because you don't want to be without him. At this point he may be feeling like it's not worth it or possible anymore. Also often people who are morbidly obese feel like they are too far to even change, sometimes you have to show them that no it isn't. A mutual friend of my bf's and mine was well over 300lbs and fairly short. When I met him he just didn't care, he believed he would never be able to fix his weight so he didn't bother trying. After finally seeing a great supportive doctor who made him see that weight loss was possible he dropped over 100lbs and is still losing.
Author onthethruway Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 I actually didn't even touch the guy. It was sort of like email/phone sex, but hubby found out, got really jealous and started losing weight. We reconciled without the help of a professional. Yes he plays video games and watches porn. It's not the content that bothers me. It's the time factor. He could go for a walk, right? Everyday he could get up and move around. He could cut out junk food too. Forget the house cleaning I hate it too so I understand his reluctance. No he is not looking for another job. He's getting unemployment. I'm going to look into free counseling services in our area. Can't really afford a shrink. There is so much going on right now in our lives. Money troubles and my daughter has ADHD. We are a mess. I have no idea how we have remained together for this long. Must be love!
Cobra_X30 Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 I actually didn't even touch the guy. It was sort of like email/phone sex, but hubby found out, got really jealous and started losing weight. We reconciled without the help of a professional. Yes he plays video games and watches porn. It's not the content that bothers me. It's the time factor. He could go for a walk, right? Everyday he could get up and move around. He could cut out junk food too. Forget the house cleaning I hate it too so I understand his reluctance. No he is not looking for another job. He's getting unemployment. I'm going to look into free counseling services in our area. Can't really afford a shrink. There is so much going on right now in our lives. Money troubles and my daughter has ADHD. We are a mess. I have no idea how we have remained together for this long. Must be love! Anyone in his family overweight? Where does he get the junkfood? Is he buying it himself, and is it fast food, or store bought stuff? Also, nothing is going to happen unless he get's motivated to do it! That motivation needs to be internal.
Author onthethruway Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 I have had long discussions with my husband about how I love him and that I wanted him to be around for a long time. That I didn't want him to die. That I didn't want him to break his little girls heart. We have been together for 12 years. He was well over 350lbs way before my "mistake." We actually have what you might describe as an "open" marriage, but for some reason my conversations with the young guy upset him. And yes, perhaps I am resentful. I'm 9 years his senior, in great shape, get compliments all the time and even get asked for ID when I go drinking. We always are stared at and I've even heard people make comments out loud. When we go to restaurants he has to sit at a table because he can't fit in a booth. He never wears a seatbelt while driving because it's too tight. He's constantly ripping holes in his pants. Yet I am always, neat, immaculate and well dressed. If you think I am a resentful, then go ahead. You are entitled to your opinion. It's a free country.
Author onthethruway Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 No, he's the only large person in the family. He buys the junk food himself.
Kasan Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 A lot of research has been done concerning depression and obesity. He is most likely a binge eater without the purging effect. Has he been checked for high blood pressure and diabetes? Look, he knows that he is obese and I guarantee you he feels like crap about it...compound this issue with losing his job...wow! Losing a job is one of the top stressful things in life for him and you. (This has been documented) On top of this add in a child with ADHD. Tough times for sure! I can hardly imagine what his self esteem is right now. Now, I am not making excuses for your husband, but maybe in the interest of peace as you are all in a stressful situation cut him some slack. The weight gain didn't happen overnight! You have other mountains to climb right now. As a suggestion....who does the grocery shopping for the household? If it's you, you can certainly limit the junk that you buy. If it's not in the house, he can't eat it. Right? Unemployment usually runs about 26 weeks, and I know that my state offers health insurance at a very inexpensive cost as part of unemployment. This might be a great time to have him meet with a career counselor at unemployment and discuss schooling. If he enrolls in an approved course (these are mostly the trades, ie cad drafting etc.) before the eighth week of unemployment, his benefits will be extended. In addition, unemployment offers a lot of workshops, resume writing, networking, so don't overlook this valuable resource. I say this in all kindness, perhaps right now the focus shouldn't be on his weight. Maybe the better time to address this might be when he has a job and is feeling better about this aspect of his life.
JamesM Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 If you think I am a resentful, then go ahead. You are entitled to your opinion. It's a free country. Yes, I do think you are resentful, and I think you are entitled to your opinion. And on top of it, I totally agree with you. I would feel the same way. I don't even like that my wife is 20 to 30# overweight. But at least she is working out and losing it. When she gains weight, it has a huge impact on her personality and moods. I wonder what his true reason is for obesity. I think it is depression...but why. You have not had counseling together yet, but I think it would be good for both of you. There may actually be some resentments that he has. Who decided the open marriage policy? When...before marriage or after? Why? Have you ever had sex with anyone else while married? Has he? When he watches porn, what kind does he watch...normal heterosexual porn? When he does online gaming, is it hours at a time? I think there is a reason that he has gained so much weight and basically given up on life. At his age, it is not normal. I still stick with the counseling solution.
Author onthethruway Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 Kasan, that's great advice. Actually, he wants to go back to school and has talked about doing that through Unemployment. I didn't know about the insurance. We'll look into that. Now we share the grocery shopping, so that's a big problem. If he goes, I can't stop him from buying junk. I guess I just need to take a deep breath and gently suggest we try to to eat healthy as a family (and shop together) and not point any fingers or blame each other for our shortcomings.
JamesM Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 I guess I just need to take a deep breath and gently suggest we try to to eat healthy as a family (and shop together) and not point any fingers or blame each other for our shortcomings. I am not sure that this is a good idea. As a guy who has dealt with a wife with food issues, the best thing is NOT to focus on what is being eaten. If you begin choosing his food, you are not only going to be the focus of his anger, you will have taken the responsibility out of his hands. My experience has shown that then it becomes all about ME being the food dictator. It has never been a positive encouraging motivator. She then became resentful at ME for telling her as an adult what she can eat. "You are NOT my father!" So, Kasan has a good idea to actually focus away from the food issue. Still counseling is needed, I think, to discover why the weight gain and depression.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 No, he's the only large person in the family. He buys the junk food himself. Well the fact that he is the only one in his family means there is some strong hope! The fact that he buys the crap food himself... thats not good. Have him look up the book body for life! I guarantee he will lose weight if he does that! It is very truthful and explains diet and nutrition extremely well. It's also not some dumb fad diet. I've seen poeple lose hundreds of pounds using this diet and excersize plan! Simple carbohydrates are the enemy! If he cuts them out for one month... the craving for them diminishes signifigantly! Hope that helps!
Author onthethruway Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 This is going to sound weird. I actually had self esteem problems even though I am far from being overweight. My husband (who looks at porn, but nothing too scary) suggested he "share" me with his friends. This started around 2004, 8 years into our marriage. We have both ( on a few occassions) had sex with other people. It's ok, I'm not tremendously turned on by it. But my hubby is actually turned on by seeing me have sex with his friends. I'm not being forced to do this. If I don't want to, I simply say no, and that's that. The truth is, I'd rather have sex with him because I love him, but the weight issue is killing me. The gaming isn't so much the problem. I spend too much time on the internet as well. I'm just saying he should spend at least an hour a day doing something physical. He could go to the local park everyday and walk at his own pace. I'm not asking him to run a marathon. I don't go to the gym. I skateboard occassionally. I get my exercise from housework. Sometimes I get ticked off because he'll tell me my thighs and butt are getting "chunky." So that's why I'm feeling depressed. My plate is full. I've just got to find a way to help him to help himself without me being a nagging bitch.
Author onthethruway Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 We have that book. It's gathering dust on the shelf. So what do I do about the junk food? I don't want it in the house. I don't want my kid eating it. I can't stop him from buying it if he goes out on his own.
Author onthethruway Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 Anyway, I'm heading for lunch (speaking of food). I'll check in later. Thanks to everyone, it really helps me feel better reading your advice.
Kasan Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Now we share the grocery shopping, so that's a big problem. If he goes, I can't stop him from buying junk. So who handles the finances in your house? If it's you then it will be a simple matter to say we can't afford it. (Junk foods costs much more) Better yet, tell him you will go to the store on your way home.....cuts him right out of it...no need for the discussion about eating healthy. Would it be possible to cook together? Great way to bond! You are going to have to tread very lightly right now I am afraid. The psychology of obesity is extremely complex. I am sure that it is obvious to you that what you are doing isn't working, even thought it is his problem. If it were me, I would not discuss his weight with him right now, but I would do what I could to insure that he is successful with losing weight or supporting him in getting schooling, and finding a new job. You have the ability to take control and make a lot of decisions right now, as I am sure he is in some kind of fog or escapism. (games) ? I really don't think that tough love right now is the way to go. Maybe later when the dust has settled. His obesity is a family issue. Counseling for him is imperative as well as a doctor exam. I am sure that you are under tremendous pressure right now and scared of what the future brings, but as hard as it is right now, things really do usually work out for the best. Pick your battles wisely and know that it will be okay. I was laid off from my job ten years ago and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It changed my life!!!
allina Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Okay, but you sound like you have zero respect for your husband, do you treat him like a worthless, lazy blob at home or does it just come off this way on here? I'm not meaning to be harsh but with everything going on plus the way you feel about him he's probably too depressed to do anything. Not caring about yourself (bad food choices, sloppy appearance) are major signs of depression and giving up.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 We have that book. It's gathering dust on the shelf. So what do I do about the junk food? I don't want it in the house. I don't want my kid eating it. I can't stop him from buying it if he goes out on his own. Jeeze, this guy has major issues! Take the money away from him! Take his transportation too for the moment! I dont know what to say. It sounds like he doesnt want to do anything about this. You cant fix Lazy!
Recommended Posts