farfrmnormal Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 I will TRY to keep my description short but informative so you all can get the important information - I am 25 and have been in two serious relationships - one from the ages of 18-21 and my most recent 21-25. My first relationship started off well and became toxic very quickly - I was young, it was my first relationship and didn't really know what a real relationship was - he didn't make time for me, was verbally abusive and often made me feel like I was not valued. During my first year of college I didn't bond with too many people because he didn't like me going to the bars (Like most college students do) and he definitely didn't like me having other male friends (Which was hard - I bond better with males then females). During my second year of college I started coming out of my shell a little more - I was in a new program with new people and decided I needed to live some of the college life. It was during this year that I met my most recent ex boyfriend. We didn’t really talk much – I knew his name and we were classmates, that’s about it. After the school year ended we all went our separate ways for the summer and that was that. I used to have a “Campus Kiss” page that allowed me to connect with friends from college etc. While browsing through the profiles one night I found the guy from my class. I sent him a message and he replied immediately – we added one another to our IM clients and started talking. We kept in touch over the summer. He continually asked me to hang out with him, but at the time I was in a relationship. School started that September and I knew the guy who I had been talking with all summer would not be going back – so I went on my daily dues – homework, work and spending what little time I could with my boyfriend. As I mentioned before, my relationship with him was toxic – but I didn’t know how to end it. Throughout all of my rough times the guy who I had met at school (I am going to refer to him as K from now on) was there talking me through things – he helped me cope and it was ultimately him that helped me end the relationship. For the first 3 weeks I was hurt, and didn’t know if I had done the right thing. Friends told me not to contact the ex and I did not. It was shortly after the break up I finally decided to hang out with K – we just went out and had fun. He kept my mind off of things and not once did he try to persue me. About 3 weeks after the breakup I decided it was time to move on and through my contact with K I felt a strong bond with him and we started dating. Things went slow – I was still hurt by my past relationship, but felt that K and I could have something good & we did. Lets skip ahead now – we’re now 1 year into the relationship (K and I) things are going great, but I got scared. At the time I had a lot going on – I was September and I was going into my last year of college. I had been accepted for a work contract for school and it was going to force me to move away from him and my family in the new year. It was that month (3 years ago) that I asked him for a break. After one month I had gathered myself together and we continued our relationship. Keep in mind that I had come from a very toxic relationship with a guy who really didn’t seem to give a rats behind about me or my feelings – now I was in a relationship with a very emotional guy. I was finding it hard to transcend into that world, I was not used to it. Fast forward again to while I was away on my work placement – I hated it. I was home sick and physically sick – I was extremely rude and withdrawn and I ultimately caused a lot of pain an suffering for a lot of people. Once my contract was up I moved back home – but I had been through so much that I felt the need to contact my Dr. for help with anxiety. This ultimately put me on anti-depressants – for a year and a half while on them I was a zombie – no emotions nothing phased me. Fast forward to now – 3 weeks ago my boyfriend of 4 years told me he was unhappy and needed some time to think. The issues he presented to me were: I am not affectionate enough He felt I was in a personal rut He didn’t like the tone of voice I used with him sometimes It wasn’t until he ended things that I realized that I am in a rut, I am not affectionate enough (This was also brought up in my previous relationship) and I do use tone sometimes. I was a complete mess the first week – I called him too much when he asked for space, but I felt like I had so much to tell him – about the things I was realizing and that I wanted to change them. He asked me “Why did it take THIS for you to finally see?”. I sought professional help and have been seeing a psychologist once a week ever since. Through my sessions my therapist has enlightened me as to WHY I am not affectionate. Every issue he ever had with me revolved around this one reason why – I was not brought up in an affectionate home and therefore found it awkward to apply my emotions and used my rational mind all of the time. Because of this I had kept my emotions inside, which caused the personal rut and often because I didn’t know how to convey my emotions I lashed out with tone. So I have been learning to become in touch with my emotions more and I feel so much better for it. So heres the story of the past 3 weeks – we went from attempting NC (I was a mess, first time I had ever been heart broken and didn’t know what to do with my emotions) – there were two days of full NC then we talked. Decided on NC for 10 days – then I heard some news from a friend that he felt pressured by our decision that he HAD to make up his mind by then (this was after 4 days of NC). Then we talked again, decided that NC might be a bad thing and he couldn’t see the progress in my sessions - how I was applying my new found emotions and changing the issues he had with me – so we were going to hang out, that didn’t work and now we’re back to NC. Each time we talked I was able to convey more and more to him - about what I was working on and how things were changing – the last time we talked he said he VERY much wanted to be in a relationship with me but has so much frustration right now that he can’t get in touch with his real emotions – he said he needs this time to get passed that. He said that he was going to talk to a professional to help him through things and that his ultimate goal was to get back together. He said he would call me when he felt ready. On a side note, I am still seeing my therapist and will be even if things between us don’t work out. Wow, that was longer then I had hoped – whats your take?
Author farfrmnormal Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 Anyone have an answer?
Aintayankee Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 You have some tough issues, but philosophy is hardcore, so try taking that in college. Go hiking, it will help you sleep at night from physical exertion, and will clear your head. I do not understand why a guy would do that. I wouldn't take a break to sort myself out. I'd like to think I wouldn't, cause having a gf must be very nice, and it is the end of all problems. It is a cure to everything, and like heaven.
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