xxkiwihoneyxx Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 I am deeply in love with my boyfriend of two years. He recently told me he wanted a break and then after a few weeks of mixed messages and a rollercoaster back and forth he ended our relationship and I am devastated. We were very much in love with each other, it seemed like we had everything and I felt I could trust him absolutely. But I'm not sure why or how but something inside him clicked months ago and he started becoming increasingly self-destructive and depressed. He seemed confused and tortured. He started really drinking and drugging etc a lot and staying out all night. I was helpless to do anything except urge him to get help and considered leaving because of the drinking. I did not know at the time but he admitted that six months ago he had a one night stand with another woman, and since then he had pursued several others by sending flirty emails, texts etc. I still love him, despite the terrible things he has done. I also know the beautiful side to him and believe human beings are complex and they can change if they want to, so I have told him that if he got help and was able to take responsibility for what he has done then its possible that I would forgive him and it wouldn't be too late to fix things if he acted now. Of course I haven't been strong at all though and I'm embarassed to admit but I have also sobbed, begged, pleaded and tried convicing him not to break up with me and to stay together and go to counselling together. I was begging yesterday morning and it just made him adamant that he really wanted a break up. He said our relationship wasn't good enough, he wasn't happy, he just feels so relieved to be free, was happier without me around and said he didn't love me anymore and it was finished. I needed to be out of his life and concentrating on getting on with my own and finding a new boyfriend. Sounds pretty FINAL to me! But then just like the mixed messages during our break he called me back half an hour later to say he did love me and that I am beautiful and special, but he is not sure if he loves me enough, is just very confused and in any event doesn't think if is capable of loving me and needs to be on his own. he said it just wasn't right to be together because he can't keep hurting me and was just going to keep on being a b&stard until he sorted himself out. He started crying on the phone and said he has realised he needs to do a lot of work on himself and is going to see a psychotherapist. He has said this several times recently, I think he is serious...but then again he has not acted on it yet just talked about it. I am so very sad but also understand that the best thing I can do is just let him go and if he sorts himself out and wants to come back then he will. I have told him that I told him that I am going to go away on a trip overseas for a few months to help heal my heart and that he could meet me at the beach in a few months time if he changed his mind. He has said several times that he is really thinking about it. What I am now wondering is whether I should hold out any hope. All his positive messages during our break turned out to be false. And it would take a huge personal effort and financial expense to really get into serious counselling and decide to change.. and then come and find me somewhere overseas! Is it all just talk? Just a way to make himself feel better and less scared about the break up? Holding out false hope will be true torture for me, but I don't think I'm capable of not hoping. Given all the above do you think he will come back to me?
beau_cauchemar Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Did the drugs and drinking start for the first time toward the end of your relationship or were they a problem other times as well? Perhaps his friends have somthing to do with those choices. In terms of him coming back to you it sounds as though dispite whatever drugs he may do, drinks he may drink, or girls he may sleep with, he is only going to REALLY hit the lonely bottom only after you've stopped steady contact with him. Time without you will probably start to have him consider his actions. "Are all these drugs, drinks, and loveless girls really what I want?" "Am I happier this way?" I can't think of one reason that he should feel that these vices are worth throwing out a LTR in order to figure things out. Not to mention that love aside, the party lifestyle gets old very quick even for most young people. He probably is having difficulty expressing how he feels and leaving him will only amplify the emptiness that he is already feeling. And its that un-igorable emptiness that triggers change.
sb129 Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 KiwiHoney (nice name by the way!), what you need to do now is to focus on YOU. As difficult as it may be for you, you need to look after yourself, and forget about your exBF for now. I can't possible say whether he will come back to you or not. But I can tell you that the best way to prepare for either situation (him coming back or not) is to get on with your life. Pining away for him or waiting by the phone won;t make him change his mind, and it won't do you any good. The best thing for you now is to have NO CONTACT with him. Its very difficult, but its the best way for you to heal. You need to fill the spaces left by him with friends and family. Get active, go to the gym or go for a walk (if you are in NZ you have no excuse, its lovely to walk there). Take up a new hobby. The key is- keep busy. Its OK to cry. Its OK to feel as if your world has ended. it hasn't, and it WILL feel better with time, I promise. Look after yourself, and forget him for now. He is the only person who can deal with his issues, and you don't deserve to be hurt over and over again while he works them out. Maybe you are right for eachother, maybe not. The only way you will know is for you to be happy on your own, and for him to sort out his sh** alone. Sorry if this sounds harsh- you will get thru this KiwiHoney.
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