kittensmittens Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 I have already posted a lot on here, but to recap, my ex bf and I broke up 3 months ago. We were together for 4 years and have known each other since we were 16 (we're 24 now). We broke up because I found out he was lying about stuff and when I confronted him, he dumped me. Then he went out right away and slept with our neighbor and posted about it in a blog post where he also trashed me and practically bragged about breaking up with me. Then, after that, he made a half assed attempt to come back but never apologized for anything. He even tried to blame it all on me. Up until 2 weeks before he tried to come back, I had been calling him up crying and begging. Then I realized I was obliterating my self-respect and dignity every time I picked up the phone and I resolved to stop calling--for two weeks I was really, really depressed, wanting him to call, hoping he would miss me, etc.....and so then he DID call and then I realized how incredibly LET DOWN I was when I got (almost) just what I had been hoping for. He called, yes....but he didn't apologize or anything. It left me feeling like I wasn't even worth the trouble to him, so I didn't go back and I haven't talked to him since. I decided that's it....he's not someone I can rely on, he's not someone who truly cares, truly feels remorse or empathy. That was a month and a half ago. I'm starting to get that itch again to call. I've been missing him A LOT. I was trying to work on a project the other night and I could barely get anything done b/c I couldn't stop crying my eyes out. I've been doing pretty good....there have been plenty of days where I feel there may be a teeny weeny bit of light at the end of the tunnle and I don't think of him as much, I don't cry, and I feel ok.....not great....but ok.....ish. But the more time that goes by, the more I'm aware that he's actually GONE. I realize it's just more time gone by for HIM to move on. I feel pretty certain he has found someone else already and it kills me. When he tried to come back a month and a 1/2 ago, he claimed I'm "the love of his life". How can he just move on already???? How can 4 years have NO impact on him?? How can he just forget me and feel no pain whatsoever?? Doesn't he miss me at all? My sense of humor? My personality? My likes/dislikes, ways of saying and doing things, etc? How can he just shove it all out like that? I mean, is this abnormal? Or just the way guys are? Or people?? Maybe it was me...I wasn't perfect. Maybe I caused this....I caused him to just stop caring....I didn't do enough of the right things and I did too many of the wrong things. I miss him so much I can hardly stand it. I'm wishing now that I had just gone back. I miss our apartment, my home. I miss our two cats that he now has. I miss his sense of humor and the conversations we had and the things we would do together. I don't have any friends in this town, and now I just have a bunch of crappy roommates. I've been working non-stop on school work and I've already pulled several all nighters on some projects. I'm feeling entirely burnt out and I find myself automatically thinking "we should go rent a movie toni..." and then stop myself b/c it hits me, REALLY hits me, that he's gone. I have no way to unwind anymore. When he would touch me, stress I didn't even know I had melted away. I would always play video games or watch a movie or go out to eat w/ him at the end of a long day. Doing those things by myself will only make me more depressed and doing those things with someone else just isn't the same. I miss our little world that we had together. I miss him. What the hell do you do for this?? I can't take anymore. I'm sure I have a good bit of PMS going on, but I can't stop crying. I cried through this entire post and I'm still crying right now. I can't even bring myself to sleep on "his" side of the bed or delete his name off of my phone. I have NO desire to be with anyone else. I've never even been w/ anyone else--in any way whatsoever. I miss him so much and it seems like time is only against me. Isn't it supposed to be healing this kind of ****?? I know you all are thinking "he's an ass, move on"....but it wasn't always so apparent. In a lot of ways he seemed absolutely wonderful. But that's how he seemed. I still question in my mind everything that has happened. 'Was he that bad? Did I cause this? Was he that wonderful?' On and on. I dunno....mostly I think I just need to vent. Everytime the bus takes me past our old street (his street, now) I feel a little like I want to throw up. I feel angry, depressed, and frantic when I think about him and the things that I've lost. No one can understand it because they're looking at him objectively and they see what an ass he was. They see what big lazy slob he was and how manipulative and selfish he was and how horrible he was at the very end. They didn't see all the little tender moments, or know what it was like to be able to come home to him and hold him and just sit next to him and watch tv and cuddle. They're not in love with him still and never have been. I don't know what to do and I feel like I'm going to explode from this heartache. Someone tell me something magic to make it go away. Sorry this is so long. Thanks.
fabulousgal Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Ah, when does it go away? I wish I had a secret pill for you, but I don't. Basically, you are going to grieve this loss at your own rate. Immersing yourself in positive, non destructive activities is important (I can speak from experience), and let yourself go through these motions of crying, anger, wanting to drive to his house and drop kick him.... You did date him for a long time, especially during some prime "figure yourself out" years...the early 20's. Why not take this time now to actually figure yourself out as a strong, independent woman who has her whole like in front of her You will, I believe in you. It will just come at it's own pace, when you get through the grief. I swear it does feel like someone dies when you breakup. Hugs.
JCD Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Stay in NC and go thru these emotions until you'll heal. You need to realize that he doesn't like you anymore. Suppose someone you don't like has a crush on you. Would you really care about how they're feeling? Do you care that they want to pour their heart out to you? No. You probably would just hope they would go away and leave you alone. Well, that's where he is right now. So while you are thinking of telling him everything, don't. Let it pass. Eventually you'll think of him less and less and then you start feeling free and ready to date someone else.
Trialbyfire Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Right now you're stressed, at your lowest point and feeling horrible. It takes awhile but it will go away. Each week you stay away, will be one more week for you to regain your internal strength. I do know what you're feeling, that sense of hopelessness, after my 5 year marriage went down the tubes. You have to pick yourself back up and keep on going. When I was going through the worst time, it had gotten to the point where I didn't care if I ate or not. When I realized what I was doing to myself, I increased my exercise routine, started eating healthy again and found I had the energy to socialize and care about other things again. It took awhile though. Just don't get to the point that I did. I look back now and it's as if it was another lifetime, even though it was earlier this year. So many things have happened since then, with most of it good, and parts of it bad but never bad enough that I wanted to give up with moving forward. There's a big, wonderful world out there, with so many men who can and will appreciate you.
AriaIncognito Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 The short answer is, it'll go away when you let it. Once you're willing to let it go. Willing to do your damnedest to not see/speak/think of him. It takes time. I'm at 4 months NC and I still think of my ex pretty much daily. Except now, it's not all day every day. It's once in a while. You'll get there. You accepting that it's over, and you deciding that you are going to move on, are probably the biggest hurdles to lessening the pain. I'll be honest, I was in a situation similar to yours. I was with a guy 4 years. We lived together. We broke and within a month he was with his now wife. It killed me. He never seemed sad never seemed to mourn losing me. It did happen, believe me, we were just still with them when it was occurring so they were more easily able to ween themselves. Now, 7 years later, he and I are still in touch, he talks to me about his life (and his wife) and I'm OK with that. You will eventually get better. I've had 2 significant relationships since the 4 year. I took a long break from dating after him (3 years) from age 27 to 30, but it was what i needed to do. I just focused on myself until my heart was ready.
serendip Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 When does this pain go away It doesn't...it will minimize where you can move on with your life the pain will always be apart of you and that's what makes us grow nothing wrong with it
Trialbyfire Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 When does this pain go away It doesn't...it will minimize where you can move on with your life the pain will always be apart of you and that's what makes us grow nothing wrong with it It does go away but you have to make a conscious effort to want to move on. Once you've gotten to the point where you've truly moved on, the emotions become distant memories, thus impact you not at all. This is the place to be.
Sanslatete Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 When does this pain go away It doesn't...it will minimize where you can move on with your life the pain will always be apart of you and that's what makes us grow nothing wrong with it I know you're probably right, but it's not that pleasant to be in this crappy place, and thinking I will be in a place where it matters less eventually isn't a comforting thought yet. I can sympathise with Kittens completely, I still miss my ex-GF of 6 and a half years very much after 3 months and I'm still trying to get through the days without cracking up. I know it's a process I have to go through but it's a nightmare.
KittenMoon Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 Pain takes a long time to fade. It's been over 18 months for me- it's still there, still comes back more often than I'd like. I try to remind myself of the other times I've been hurt- sure, they weren't relationships, but there were painful friendships that are now just distant memories- I can remember being upset, but I don't feel the pain anymore.
Author kittensmittens Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 Thank you all very much for your posts, I really appreciate them. I feel like I was at that point where I felt ready to move on. I was more or less objectively aware....finally, after 4 years.....of what a truly callous, vengeful, manipulative person he can be. I still missed him, he was still in the back of my mind, but I knew I was better off w/out him and it was time to let go and move. I did WANT to move on b/c I knew it wouldn't work and I wanted the pain GONE. Now, I still want the pain gone....but want it to be gone b/c I have him back. I just feel like I don't care about any of it, I don't care anymore about what he did/didn't do, or if I lose everyone's respect in going back, or if he's said stupid crap behind my back, or slept with whoever.....I just miss him horribly and I want him back. And I know it's pathetic too. I just don't have the capacity to care anymore, I miss him that much. I was with a guy 4 years. We lived together. We broke and within a month he was with his now wife. It killed me. He never seemed sad never seemed to mourn losing me. It did happen, believe me, we were just still with them when it was occurring so they were more easily able to ween themselves. Now, 7 years later, he and I are still in touch, he talks to me about his life (and his wife) and I'm OK with that. You're a stronger person than I am. There's no way I could ever talk to him about a life he leads w/out me. That's probably selfish and immature, but I just know I would never be able to do that. I'm not so sure that he was onto the next girl before he was through w/ me....but I strongly suspect that someone caught his eye only two weeks after trying to come back to me and telling me I'm "the love of his life". I still just keep asking "how?". How how how???? FOUR YEARS. We have a history together, a connection.....love, tears, laughter, drama....nostalgia. How do they just let it go without even blinking or looking back? Again, is this the nature of men? Is this just how people are? I can't even relate. I know you're probably right, but it's not that pleasant to be in this crappy place, and thinking I will be in a place where it matters less eventually isn't a comforting thought yet. I felt this same way exactly and I think I'm now in this weird place where I want that, AND I don't want it. I think the only reason I want that is b/c I know he already has that. I'm treasuring the memory and mourning the loss of someone who probably could care less that I even exist and it's not fair. I try to remind myself of the other times I've been hurt- sure, they weren't relationships, but there were painful friendships that are now just distant memories- I can remember being upset, but I don't feel the pain anymore. See, this I think is my problem. Remembering all the past hurts and losses and the fact that I STILL DO miss pretty much all of the friends I've lost through the years makes me scared I'll never, ever get over him. He had a far bigger impact/significance than any of them...so is this pain only going to get more unbearable as he grows farther and farther from reach over time? I sometimes feel a sad ache for the times in the past that I shared w/ friends who are long gone. I'm really worried about this. I actually have to run out the door right now, but thank you again for all of your posts. I feel a little less alone right now.
AriaIncognito Posted September 28, 2007 Posted September 28, 2007 You're a stronger person than I am. There's no way I could ever talk to him about a life he leads w/out me. That's probably selfish and immature, but I just know I would never be able to do that. No, I'm not. I've just been removed for the situation for SEVEN years. It took me a good 4-5 years to really be able to talk to him his life. I'll admit, I still get jealous now, but in my mind and my heart (see they do synch up) I know he wasn't the one for me. He admitted to me just recently that it is weird to see me in person (we never do, but might sometime soon) because we have so much history. I guess when you spend this significant amount of time with someone, it doesn't matter what happens in life, it's always a part of you. You'll get to where I am in terms of this guy with your guy eventually. It takes time and moving onto other men and such. I think it took me so much longer because I didn't date again until 3 years later. I dont know my reasons for that, guess it just wasn't a priority at the time. Though, I guess I'm doing the same thing now, it's been almost 4 months and I've not had a date lol. Time heals. Just let it.
Curious139 Posted September 29, 2007 Posted September 29, 2007 You need to be kind to yourself. You are grieving for a deep loss, shattered dreams, lost companionship, all the wonderful things of a relationship. It hurts so much and you don't have to get over it and move on immediately. What you are feeling is part of the human condition and it is necessary to help you to grow and be a better person for the next relationship. Don't beat yourself up, you are in good company here, we all know the raw endless bewilderment of losing our love. There is no formula for getting to the acceptance stage. Some people seem to be able to jump from devastation to shrugging shoulders in 2 weeks - others 2 years. I'd guess that 4 - 6 months would be normal to reach the point where there isn't too much sadness. However it depends entirely upon you and the depth of the loss, so take your own time. Hugs
Sanslatete Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I've been trying to be kind to myself, eating properly, keeping myself busy...etc, but I'm into my 3rd month and am still tearing my hair out. It's the worst thing in the world to invest so much time and love in someone, only to get your heart torn out and stomped on. I don't see myself getting this involved with anyone else again as the spoils aren't worth the effort.
lexi29 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I feel your pain and am asking myself the same question. Your post actually made me start crying because you articulated your feelings so clearly and it hit so close to home because I feel the same way right now. Even though everyone says I can do better, even though in my heart I know it will never work out- I just can't believe he could wake up one day and stop caring for me, that all our time together and our closeness and the fun we had can just be gone so completely and he doesn't even care. And yes, i have the same feeling you do, that I just want him back, i want him to complete my life again, just to be there to get rid of all this pain. So all I can say is hang in there. It has to get better and what you are feeling must be totally normal.
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