farfrmnormal Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 I am probably going to be the typical poster here and talk about my recent breakup, but hey thats what this forum is for. My boyfriend of 4 yrs recently told me he needed some time to think about things - he has a lot of frustrations surrounding our relationship (which I can accept and understand). Since our breakup 2 wks ago we have had some ups and downs - NC and then talking again and back to NC. This break up has caused me to recognize a lot of issues I need to resolve in myself and changes that need to occur - I sought professional help through a counselor. Anyhow, my question is - I don't want to wait around, but I honestly don't think I can move on right now. If NC continues up to a month (He said he would contact me when he has figured out how to get past his frustrations) should I contact him to see where he is at in his recovery? He told me he WANTS to fix his frustrations so we can be together - how long should I give him and can I suggest anything to him to help him get past his issues?
Curious139 Posted September 26, 2007 Posted September 26, 2007 That is a difficult question. At the moment you are holding your breath waiting to see what happens, so you can't move on yet. You need to reflect upon the relationship and decide whether it is right for the both of you. To be honest if he is essentially saying that he needs space, that is code for him sensing that the relationship isn't working for him anymore. That is sad for both of you. I'm pleased that you are seeing a counsellor. I suggest you contact him after a month of NC rather than not know how he is feeling. However you would be wise to start thinking right now that things just aren't meant to be. I wish it were otherwise but none of our ralationships are guaranteed. Hope this helps.
Author farfrmnormal Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 Thanks for your reply - fact is, when he said he wanted some time it wasn't that he didn't want to work on the relationship - he said he loves me very much, he just has some frustrations he needs to sort out and that his ultimate goal and want is to be with me. He just said that his frustrations are over shadowing his emotions right now and doesn't think its fair to me to be so distant with regards to his emotions. I suppose I should have typed the whole story, but it is quite long. Anyhow, all of our talks since the breakup have not been about us not being compatible or not being right for one another - they were amicable and very productive - we both have the same goal, which is to be together it just can't happen right now - I understand that - we both have things that need to be sorted out.
starlite Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 I do hope things work out in your favor...I really do. But to me this situation doesnt fully add up. I think what you need to focus on is you...without him. If in a month he wants to come back, that is his perogotive and either you will still be around emotionally for him or not. My bf of 2.5 years and I just broke up yesterday. He took all his clothes etc but hasnt taken his big stuff yet. We decided we need this, as devastating as it is. I thought I was going to marry this man. ( I am 25, he is 29). He said "we need to try this." To me...it is not trying, it is 'doing'. I think of him and I as OVER. If i sit there thinking there is still a chance etc it will prolong the hurt and raise expectations i cant guarantee and that will make this hurt much worse. If we decide at some point to try again, than we do...but that is not my goal. My goal is to cope, deal, let myself get past this as best i can....and the rest will happen if it happens. Not my focus. I think by keeping this hope in this you are not allowing yourself yet to begin to heal and get out of the denial. I understand he says it is so you two can get back together but a whole month? And this is all his call adn you cant guarantee it is going to be the way you want. It's so hard...but I think leaving that door as wide open as you want it is hurting you more than it is doing good. Also, my bf and I still love eachother VERY much. This isnt easy, but we just cant seem to be ok with eachother.
Author farfrmnormal Posted September 27, 2007 Author Posted September 27, 2007 Its one of those things that I feel like, Its not over till he tells me its over. I am not ready to walk away right now, however; I am finding out a lot about myself. I sought help and will continue to see the therapist until she tells me I no longer need to. I have learned the root of my problems and am currently working on them. I suppose this is hard for people to understand because I am moving forward and I am prepared for him to come and tell me we can't be together - I know things are toxic the way they are and that is what I am working on and he is doing the same. I know we can't be together right now and I accept that.
Recommended Posts