Screwed over, AGAIN! Many responses appreciated.

[LostChild]

I posted here before, I remember calling my ex "Adam" but I don't remember all the other names I used. So I am going to start over from the beginning, probably bringing in details I hadn't brought in before. I really need help, and while I know you don't have ALL the answers, even some kind of insight will help.

 

Caution: It is long.

 

I had been dating a guy named Adam for two and a half years (long distance). Things were GREAT the first year, we could talk out our problems and we basically just got each other. We pushed each other to do better for ourselves. When I met Adam, he was a smoker, did poorly in school (so bad that when he moved back to the US, he had to start all over again as a Freshman in high school when he should have been a senior in high school), and basically didn't care about life. He had been "in love" with me for about a year before we got back together. I had been weary of dating him, but I began to like him as well and I gave us a chance. He was SO much different than my last boyfriend, and I wanted to break the pattern before I started one. We got serious about each other, even going as far as to tell our parents how we each were "the one". Adam even told his mom about us getting engaged.

During the second year however, things between us started getting rocky. We would joke about breaking up but we knew it was just jokes. We were an odd couple in that sense. Adam used to always say how I could do better than him, but how he didn't want me to leave him either. I chaulked it up to just him having low self esteem. He quit high school and got his G.E.D. and got a job.

However, around the beginning of 2007, Adam began to get antsy. He didn't consider himself a man, and he wanted to join the Marines. I told him I was against the idea (I had always been supportive of him until this came around) because I didn't agree with the war and I did not want him to die. I also said that him joining the marines did not make him a man, it was how he treated others that made him a man. I am a person who has a wall up, and I let my wall down and told Adam how I really felt. With the wall down, he took a shot. Adam joined anyways, but did not make it through boot camp. We were already broken up, but by the time he got back home we were in the works of reconciling.

That spring break we were together again, but my feelings for him were beginning to wane. I told him about it, but I also said I wanted to work it out. We did, and we were good. Till July.

I just got into my dream school, and my mom kept talking about how much I was going to change and how many new men I was going to meet. I was still hooked on Adam, so I didn't really pay attention to it. Adam was in the works of getting his act together (he he hadn't gotten a job since he quit to join the Marines) and was preparing to take the SATs again so he too could get into school, move up to my area with me and we could be together.

Then, I met a guy online we'll call Duke. Duke was nice, spent six months getting over his ex and her sister (long story) and he was a video game addict. He seemed nice. I'm a person you can talk about sex with, and Adam knew this. I would tell Adam everything Duke and I would talk about because I didn't want Adam to think something was going on. I wanted him to also befriend Duke because Duke did not seem to have a lot of friends. Unfortunately, Duke got really into me, and I couldn't see it. Duke asked for a naked photo of me (this is when it begins to get bad folks) and I asked Adam if it was ok. Adam said sure, we weren't married, whats the issue, and he gave me a photo to give to Duke (my face wasn't in the photo). I didn't think much of it.

Then Adam said "Let's break up." and my world shattered. I thought he was joking and I asked if he was serious three times and he said yes. The next day he said he was just joking, but I was mad he would do that to me (we never played that joke longer than 24 hours) and I said no. Adam said he begged for me back for 2 weeks but I was still mad and said "No" each time.

The third week, he met a girl online we'll call Jena. She was 17, going on 18 in a couple of weeks, and played music. Not music good enough to get a record deal, but enough to just like. Adam told her how he liked her music, and Jena is always happy when someone likes her music. Adam drove five hours to meet Jena. While there, Jena's friend Brenda called and while on speaker phone asked if Jena was going to sleep with Adam. Adam was a virgin at this point. Later on, Jena kissed Adam, one thing led to another, and Adam was not a virgin. Jena told him how she already slept with four other people, three guys, one girl, and she made a remark about me after having sex with Adam saying I didn't know what I was missing. Adam, of course told me all of this (at this point, I figured I was ok with the break up so we could talk things out like good friends..I soooo over estimated myself). I later on got mad at Adam and told him I needed five months not to talk to him. I needed those five months to get over him so we could remain good friends because I was being overly emotional and it wasn't fair to him. I knew I was going to try to make him choose me over her (which he wouldn't because he didn't want to hurt her), and it wasn't right for me to do so. So these five months were for me to respect the relationship as well.

Adam and I have two mutual friends (they were my friends first, but Adam quickly warmed up to them as well) named Alex and Smith. Alex was talking to Adam about how I was the better choice, and how I love him and how I make him a better man. Adam agreed with this ALL ON HIS OWN, and then called me of his own free will. He called me up and told me how he didn't understand why he was doing this to himself. He knew he could have a happy ending with me, but he didn't know why he couldn't take it. I told him how I felt about him (again, letting down the wall) about how I knew I screwed up and I wanted to make things right. He told me he needed to think, but two hours later he said "No." I was understandably devastated.

Then, Smith and Adam met up at a restaurant (we'll say IHOP, but it wasn't IHOP). Adam talked about his girlfriend Jena, but only for five minutes. Then he talked about me for 45 minutes, and how he wanted to be financially stable for me, and how I needed to become emotionally stable (understandable, because I was screwed up as the photo thing shows). The only things he could say about Jena was she was fun, understood him, and that the sex was great. Any other time Smith would ask about Jena, Adam never said much, or he only brought her up in passing. He would always hint at wanting to talk about me, but Smith never wanted to go there.

Then at the beginning of Sept, Adam and Smith talked about me at last, and Adam said he had no feelings for me what so ever. Said though that he wouldn't rule out us getting together again, but that he didn't think of me ever. He also said I sounded like I had BPD (borderline personality disorder) which sounded weird, because at this point I had not talked to Adam for a month and a half. He said that what Jena and him had was a healthy relationship, and that again, she understood him, he didn't have to decipher her like an alien language and that things were good. He asked Smith to lie to me and tell me he didn't want us to get together again so that I could move on.

At this point, I'm like..."Ok...move on then."

Don't worry, I'm almost done. Thank you for stick this far.

So, no one talks to Adam for awhile. No email, not calls, no nothing. I have, at this point, found Jena's livejournal, and she talks about how great Adam is, but before this she was "engaged" to some guy she met online and how she wanted him to move into her house, and before that she was having sex with another guy but she couldn't figure out why she meant nothing to him. This girl sounded..unstable. Not because she said all of this, but because her bouncing between guy 1, guy 2 and then on to Adam happened all within weeks of each other. Sounded to me like she fell in and out of love easily. The only difference is that Adam is actually nice to her, takes her places, and drives up to see her.

Sept 11th rolls around, I for a SECOND stop thinking about Adam as I just got chatted up by a classmate, and all was good.

 

Then Smith calls.

 

Smith tells me he had an interesting conversation with someone I would be interested in knowing about, and begins to fill me in on the details. Apparently, Adam does not have the same feelings for Jena and Jena has for him, and he misses me. Hurrah right? Wrong. I was not ready for this. I was just beginning to calm down from everything and now this sprouted out of no where. Smith tells me that Adam is going to call later that night and talk to me. Unfortunately, Adam gets cold feet saying he thinks he's moving too fast, he doesn't want to play with my emotions or say the wrong thing. He said he'll call when he is ready. Again, we leave him alone. Yet he asked three times if I was over him, because he seemed worried.

Then last Monday, Adam calls me. I really should not have picked up that phone. The conversation began lightly enough. He asked how school was and I said it was great. He asked about the guys on campus and I said that there were some cute ones, but I wasn't interested at the moment in dating anyone. He asked if I had a boyfriend, I said no. I told him how I had grown in that I realized I was playing with his emotions but I wanted to stop doing that. I asked how Jena was and he said "She's great...fun..nice..yeah." and then I asked if there was something he wanted to get off his chest, and he said "No, you?" and I said "No." then he said "Man, I shouldn't tell you this.." and he began:

 

He said that Jena was great and all, smart, she understood him, but that he didn't have feelings for her. When I asked what he meant by she understood him he said "We finish each other's sentences, know what's on each other's minds, don't have to decipher her like an alien language." But that while at the beginning he had feelings for her, during the course of their month and a half relationship he just began to lose feelings for her. I said that when you find someone has feelings for you and you don't for them, you normally look for a way out. He said he was at that point. I said "I don't want to say anything that is going to persuade you to break up with Jena." and he said "In order for you to persuade me, would mean that I didn't want to do this in the first place." I said that if he really felt this way he should get out before he ended up proposing to her or something. He said that she had been talking about it a lot, them getting engaged, but he didn't want to do it. He said that they didn't fight or anything, but I pointed out that its only been a month and a half. I told him that breaking up would not be easy, and he said he knew that because he's already tried TWICE to break up with her. The first time he tried he used a really lame reason but he wanted out. He used their musical differences. The second time he used the fact she told him how she loved some guy after only dating him for 2 days and how could he know if she really loved him. She said it was different because she did love him and he was the only person who has even been this nice to her before. Each time she would cry, and he would back off. He tried being mean to her (by saying he loved her like a brother) and he would try to not tell her he loved her, but if he didn't say "I love you" back to her she would wonder why he wasn't saying it. He then told me that the night I told him how I really felt about him he realized he had screwed up. He said he almost left her in that moment, but because he wanted to make everyone happy, he decided to stay with her and give me the chance to date other people. He said he was settling for her.

So I told him "Why don't you just ditch her?" and he said "Because the last four guys did that to her and she didn't like it." and he wanted to be honest with her. I said "What about you moving? Tell her you're moving and it wouldn't work out." but he still stuck to wanting to be honest. I said to do it some weeks after her birthday because to do it soon after her birthday would be rude. He said her birthday past already this weekend, he really wanted out now, if he waited longer then it would just get harder. He was 100% positive he wanted to break up with her. He then said that when he was with her, his head was foggy but when he wasn't with her he knew he had to break up with her for sure. He said that the sex wasn't that good, you can have sex in a bunch of wild places, but the connection wasn't there. He also called her fat. He said that make out sessions we had were better than the sex he had with her. He asked me when I wanted to get back together, like would I be willing to go 1 to 2 years and I said "One to two years? How about a couple of months" and he said ok.

 

The next night, Tuesday night, he calls me up and tells me he broke up with her. He felt bad, and that he expected her to be emotional but he said she tried to be sensible (she was still emotional though). He used the excuse of his moving. She said that should could move with him and go to school there, or he could move into her parents house with her so that they could work (Does that sound sensible?) and he told her no. He then asked if I thought I had changed and I said "Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything? That's not why you broke up with her, right?" and he said "No." He said he had to keep reminding himself why he broke up with her, and I told him what he said the night before. He said it was all true. He said that if he had the money to marry me right now he would, but he wouldn't do that with her. But then he said "Yeah, I was only with her for a month, I don't know we could have lasted longer than that." and I said "Yeah, but your feelings for her diminished, so that wouldn't have worked." and he said "True." He then said "I'm leaving a good thing because I believe you've changed." Which sounded like he was trying to shift the blame on to me. He said he was at a cross road with wondering who he wanted to be with, and then again he said he didn't want to be with her a long time. He admitted it was a mistake into getting into a relationship with her, and if he had to pick between ever meeting her or staying with me, he would pick me. He said he was trying to make himself happy, and not everyone else, and he said before he picked her because he was trying to make everyone happy. Again he began to bad mouth her, that while they understood each other, she didn't "get" some of the things he enjoyed. He couldn't have deep conversations with her like he could with me. How I was easier to shower with because I wasn't so big how I was better sexually than her and I did seem to get him and the things that he loved. And then we began to talk about things we didn't and did like about each other. How we could fix the things we didn't like about each other as well. Things felt good, minus that sentence about leaving a good thing for me. It sounded like he was certain it wasn't a good thing the day before. Especially with the way he kept trying to break up with her and bad mouth her behind her back.

 

Then he hung up. I hadn't heard from him in days. I left him emails. Nothing. Instant Messages. Nothing. Called his cell, was told that it was temporarily out of service.Then Sunday came, I read Jena's lj and it said "Adam broke up with me, and I left school. Then he (Adam) did a very smart thing and decided that what we have is too precious to give up. For my birthday I got boots and this here laptop. I named her Mammy because she is black and helpful. It IS fittin'" (that last part pissed me off because it sounded racist and Adam does not like racists).

 

So I was ditched for nothing. He came back into my life, for nothing. They hadn't had an argument so thats not why he said those things. He wanted to leave her all on his own with no help from anyone. He is still moving and he said he didn't want her to move with him or him move in with her because he wanted to do his own thing and he wanted her to do her own thing. So I'm assuming they probably will still break up. I wrote him and her telling her everything he said about her and telling him to EXPLAIN himself. She said she won't believe me because I'm wacko, trying to sabotage their relationship and she will not be persuaded to break up with Adam nor fight with Adam. I told her I wasn't writing to break them up, but to tell her to watch her back because if can say these things about her then she shouldn't get so heavily involved.

 

So my question is:

 

Why go back to someone you don't have feelings for (not just telling your ex this, but also your friend)? Was it guilt or what?

Why just ditch me for no reason when things seemed to be going well?

Does their relationship sound like something that could last, or is it a trainwreck waiting to happen?

What do I do if he contacts me again?

 

 

I'm really at a loss here. If you can give some insight and mostly answer those four questions, much would be appreciated. I know a lot of you are going to chide me not only for length but for the photo thing, and yes I know I did a stupid stupid thing. I must now live with that and learn from it. I'm trying to work on why I did that myself, but it is his actions I cannot seem to figure out. Men, I would really love some insight from you, women as well. Adam is 19, going on 20 if that helps.

 

I don't know if I left anything out, but this post is long enough as it is. You can pm me or ask me questions on the thread, and I will answer them. His tone for the first conversation sounded certain and sure of himself (especially considering no one was talking to him and he did this all himself) but for the second conversation he sounded unsure, and sad if that helps.

[whichwayisup]

He is the unstable one and honestly, don't get involved with him anymore. He bounces between women and loses the feelings for each of you so easily.

 

Be glad he hasn't contacted you. He is young and immature, he needs to grow up before settling into a serious, committed relationship.

[Msblueyes]

I know we can always give others better advice then ourselves taking our own.

 

Let him go!

[LostChild]

Well, he said he didn't stop having feelings for me, thought about me all the time and even talked about me to Jena (he said in a good way).

 

Does their relationship seem long lasting? I know most wonder why I wonder, and I just do, so any answers would be nice.

 

I'm trying to appreciate the fact he hasn't contacted me. Its just hard. We knew each other for five years, dated for two and a half. It just hurts.

[LostChild]

Any other takers? I'm really curious on that one question of them lasting.

 

also tips to help heal myself after being in touch with this person for 5 years would help.

 

But mostly if Jena/Adam sound like a lasting relationship, especially with all he has done in regards to talking about her behind her back, and trying to break up with her three times already..

[LostChild]

Any other comments? Answers to my questions? Much help would really be appreciated. I don't want this to just fall off. I want more in-depth insight or something.

[Spinderella]

Really, he just sounds as though he will keep going back and forth. He cant make his mind up. Who knows what he tells her about you. Probably similar things to what he's told you about her.

Perhaps when he was feeling unsure of her, he did want a way out as you said, and his way out was you. He sounds like he is too scared to be alone, so made sure you were lined up ready and waiting for when he left her.

You sound like you have your head pretty much screwed on. Dont let him drag you down.

Date one of those cute guys in school, and forget about Adam.

[LostChild]

Really, he just sounds as though he will keep going back and forth. He cant make his mind up. Who knows what he tells her about you. Probably similar things to what he's told you about her.

Perhaps when he was feeling unsure of her, he did want a way out as you said, and his way out was you. He sounds like he is too scared to be alone, so made sure you were lined up ready and waiting for when he left her.

You sound like you have your head pretty much screwed on. Dont let him drag you down.

Date one of those cute guys in school, and forget about Adam.

 

So do you think he ran back to her because I didn't give him a definite answer on us getting back together, and he doesn't want to be alone? Cause he sounded positive he wanted to break up with her on Monday, and by him trying to break up with her during the entire time they've been together (he tried twice). And him not only telling me he didn't have feelings for her, but Smith as well.

 

I just don't know how he would be able to suddenly get feelings for her, so I'm thinking he's with her so he won't be single. Like he said he felt strongly about her at the beginning, but that he lost feelings as it continued. When they broke up he was bitching about being single and then questioning if he did the right thing.

 

So is it more likely he's with her because he doesn't want to be alone, I guess is what I'm getting at..and still the question on my mind is if that is a relationship that will last (as in I know it can last for a few months, but are they going to be a couple to run into the sunset type deal)?